Negotiating Silence

[Linus]

Very interesting thread. There is a lot I want to add but trying to organize it into the best words possible is a challenge right now.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel that the above quote is appropriate as a starting point for a discussion I'd like to have.

In all the years I have been a part of online communities the subject of being silenced keeps coming around. I am conflicted on the subject. I want to understand more.

I understand that in a forum, ones post can be deemed *silencing*. In the verb form of the word. The second verb is the act of *being silent* and I wonder if that is not something we must consent to for some reason.

What makes a person *be silent*? Is it the fear of an unpopular opinion? Not liking conflict? Wanting to be liked? Afraid of breaking the rules?

I think the thing that silences me is when I've been told that I'm unwelcomed (not because of a safe space but because I'm a trans guy, a Canadian, a <insert characteristic here>). The most silencing statement was one that said that because I was verbose and took a lot to state something, that a person wouldn't respond because I couldn't keep things more concise and into a sentence or two. I've also been "silenced" because of how I write. It's been suggested that I "talk down" to others. I try to avoid doing this or coming off like this but this silences me to change my language from what I'm used to talking like (I write much like I talk).

Now, does that mean I'm not willing to take constructive criticism and that if I've stated something incorrectly or offensively, I wouldn't apologize or try to learn a new behaviour (vis-a-vis writing style)? No. I'm always willing to learn and do believe that we never stop learning. I do not believe that my opinion is above others; neither do I believe it doesn't have value.

How can we negotiate better with ourselves and each other as a community?

This is a challenge as we are asking for behaviours to be adjusted and minds to open (we all have prejudices, privileges, lack of privilege, etc.). I believe that it is an individual desire to adjust and see where we may be hindering or how we can help avoid silencing or silencing behaviour. Humans, IMO (In My Opinion), are rather stubborn about learning new behaviour, especially stuff related to cooperation. We have been ingrained with competition for so long that it is part of our language and how we talk.

Can we relearn things we did in Kindergarten and how to share better between each other as adults?




**note: I will not be held responsible for typos and such. Caffeine wasn't fully available at time of writing. Any misunderstandings, misquotes, confusion or similar experiences are due entirely to a slow coffee pot. **

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Linus

Very interesting thread. There is a lot I want to add but trying to organize it into the best words possible is a challenge right now.



I think the thing that silences me is when I've been told that I'm unwelcomed (not because of a safe space but because I'm a trans guy, a Canadian, a <insert characteristic here>). The most silencing statement was one that said that because I was verbose and took a lot to state something, that a person wouldn't respond because I couldn't keep things more concise and into a sentence or two. I've also been "silenced" because of how I write. It's been suggested that I "talk down" to others. I try to avoid doing this or coming off like this but this silences me to change my language from what I'm used to talking like (I write much like I talk).

Now, does that mean I'm not willing to take constructive criticism and that if I've stated something incorrectly or offensively, I wouldn't apologize or try to learn a new behaviour (vis-a-vis writing style)? No. I'm always willing to learn and do believe that we never stop learning. I do not believe that my opinion is above others; neither do I believe it doesn't have value.
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This is a challenge as we are asking for behaviours to be adjusted and minds to open (we all have prejudices, privileges, lack of privilege, etc.). I believe that it is an individual desire to adjust and see where we may be hindering or how we can help avoid silencing or silencing behaviour. Humans, IMO (In My Opinion), are rather stubborn about learning new behaviour, especially stuff related to cooperation. We have been ingrained with competition for so long that it is part of our language and how we talk.

Can we relearn things we did in Kindergarten and how to share better between each other as adults?




**note: I will not be held responsible for typos and such. Caffeine wasn't fully available at time of writing. Any misunderstandings, misquotes, confusion or similar experiences are due entirely to a slow coffee pot. **

Great points Linus! You bring up something that just made a light bulb go off for me. People criticizing writing styles and spelling/grammar usage.

I have seen this many times and it just seems mean spirited to tell another poster they are being skipped over because they write too much or can't spell. It is painful to read those kinds of exchanges.

Basic human kindness tells me that even *if* one is skipping over posts or doesn't find them easy to read it doesn't need to be said in public. For goodness sake! I see the ways we shame each other and I can't stand it. Shame = Silence = Alienation.

[christie]

Great thread idea!

For me, I chose to be silent quite a bit of the time because I see a lot of "interpretation" of others' words. A great deal of reading between the lines and putting a personal spin on them; rather than taking the words at face value.

I'm a say what I mean and mean what I say kinda woman. My words have often been interpreted incorrectly, and in as such, their meaning/intent completely disregarded.

I also think that when we try to be more concrete in our words, citing personal experiences/situations, those words are often used as "ammunition" against us. I have seen people post real issues... making themselves very vulnerable... and instead of the responders being supportive and uplifting, the OP has been raked over the proverbial coals and judged.

What can we do to change the issues I see? Its pretty simple to me... stop interpreting and be more open minded that not all our journeys are alike. Learn to agree to disagree, respectfully. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Stop reading more into things than what is stated. Try to put ourselves in another's shoes and that whole "Do unto others."

Just my nickel's worth... That and $6 will get you a latte.

Christie