The Art of Online Communication

[Andrew, Jr.]

Linus,

This is another great thread! I am like you are - visual. Words clog me up. I struggle all the time.

I have no clue if someone is joking with me or not, when I am being honest and sincere in a thread. Then I get set-up to be laughed at. I am used to it. That is just how it was for me in school. I am very quiet, and reserved.

I have to trust certain folks to lean on, like yourself, to explain things to me. Without that trust and help, I know I would not be here.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Linus,

This is another great thread! I am like you are - visual. Words clog me up. I struggle all the time.

I have no clue if someone is joking with me or not, when I am being honest and sincere in a thread. Then I get set-up to be laughed at. I am used to it. That is just how it was for me in school. I am very quiet, and reserved.

I have to trust certain folks to lean on, like yourself, to explain things to me. Without that trust and help, I know I would not be here.

Hi Andrew, Jr.,
I just wanted to share, if I may? ... You are not alone and I support you. School/childhood was misery for me, especially when I just couldn't get it when other kids were being sarcastic or joking...or making a joke out of me. I often would "walk right into" it and end up being tormented and laughed at because I couldn't pick up on cues. Online banter, sarcasm, jokes or a situation where the communication is too vague or ambiguous leaves me wondering "are they joking? are they serious? what did I miss here? If I don't get it, will they think I'm a duntz and laugh AT me?"...etc... I, too, tend to be quite and reserved...preferring to observe rather than participate in the conversation...
Enjoy your evening and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
S&C

Ps.. I would rather read a person's body and facial language so I can get a clue as to their real intentions or emotions, than reading their words or second-guess at their intended communication efforts. I can tell more from their face if they are joking with me, than I can from their written words.

[Linus]

Sigh. I had a huge response to a variety of posts and Firefox crashed on me. I'll have to come back later today (lunch time perhaps) and respond then. Sorry.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sigh. I had a huge response to a variety of posts and Firefox crashed on me. I'll have to come back later today (lunch time perhaps) and respond then. Sorry.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Sweet & Content,

I agree. School for me was nothing short of hell. I had tutors, teachers, and I went year round to just keep up because I failed most everything.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Sweet&Content

I agree... avatars and signature lines sometimes give me a feeling of "should I or shouldn't I address this person?" I don't mean anything negative or disrespectful by that... It's just if I see a really "dark" or "brooding" avi or signature picture/quote, I will avoid conversing with that person until I know more about them.

I won't avoid that person, necessarily, but you are right (as I draw a line between what you actually said and I'm thinking now) in that our responses to another's choice in avatars will help dictate our connection with that person. If I see another foo foo-ey avi, I'm tickled pink. I fully believe in spreading the love, joy, glitter and sparklies. But there are plenty of avatars that might be construed as "dark" but someone else sees it as "artistic" or the like. Our perceptions definitely lead us to those we interact with and help outline how we may (or may not) approach them initially.

[Linus]

I clip all the quotes out to add a little brevity to my verbose posting:

Boots13: First, let me thank you for participating. Knowing how busy a life can be and taking the time to be in a deep thread it does mean a lot to me.

It does make sense. I think, however, that sometimes readers don't see that. (and even some posters). They feel that you own yourself and what you've said means that you are responsible for how they feel. I suppose, as a complete fictional example, if I said that Wryly had no style sense and I knew that she was sensitive to those kinds of comments, then I am partially responsible for how Wryly feels.

But therein lies the rub: the reader sometimes believes that the poster knows EVERYTHING (and in some cases, it's truly EVERYTHING) about them. This gets back to this extra feeling of knowing each other more than we really do. One of my students said it yesterday that I was to have "ESPN and know everything that they do" (entirely in a joking manner based on tone of voice -- I teach online so I can't see faces but I can hear it). We forget, I suspect, that we really know far less about each other (the amount is probably the equivalent of dust on the head of a fairy on top of a small sewing needle).

And I definitely hear you on the "ME! ME! ME!" concept when posting. I too feel that wonderment of whether people interpret that as egotistical or not. It's not. I can't speak to your or Sweet&Content or Andrew's or other people's experience or PoV. I could share what I've understood to be through my PoV but I could never state that it is my experience. Then again, why do we really need to preface nearly ever post in those hot topic areas as "from my point of view" or "this is just how I understand it..". I mean, the virtue that it's my "voice" speaking, wouldn't it be my point of view? Who else would it be? It's not like I'm channeling George Burns or Marilyn.

Sweet&Content: Totally understand about work and life interferring with online. No worries.

Oh! Oh! I have a great camera! LOL..

It sounds like a common internet phenomena where people post as if they are truly anonymous, even when at work or with people they know. It is almost as if we can post without any consideration for what might happen. Now, I'm not saying that we are responsible if someone posts something politely that it's interpreted incorrectly. For example, I discovered recently that saying to the receptionist that she looks lovely could be taken in an offensive manner rather than in politeness and respect it was intended. So I have to change my language to be more respectful and neutral to comply with the corporate policy. Now, I respect the policy because I know and understand the reasoning behind why it's there. That's part of the adult in me (I'm still apt to get into a nerf gun war with colleagues when visiting the Canadian office, however, to allow the kid in me to "bond" and "relax" with friends).

But in places like here, there isn't a strict policy like that and people seem to post without any awareness of responsibility of their post. It goes beyond Boots13 comment about "ME! ME! ME!". This is more a true heightened egocentric view and totally ignores impact of what one posts (e.g., someone posting something that could trigger and knows it could trigger for someone).

Gemme/Sweet&Content: This re-enforces my belief that we do truly judge a book by it's cover (I'll admit it -- I buy books based on how much the cover appeals to me or the blurb on the back does). Is this bad? Well, in some ways it denies us interaction with others who may actually be nice and interesting but have an interest in "dark" and "brooding" avatars/pictures.

Do either of you use the ignore feature or your own mental ignore feature on such persons so you never see their posts? if not, after reading their posts do you change your mind? if you choose to ignore, do you ever change your mind when you see others who quote them in posts?

Andrew, Jr. : It can be hard to read joking or sarcasm. I've misread it a few times and feel extremely horribly when I do. I think it's good that we try to be honest as to the face we present. Sometimes people don't realize that we present ourselves as we are with the information and experiences we've had thus far.

I think (and if I may say this, Andrew) it's good that you are open for constructive criticism. This isn't something that we're always open for (sometimes, I think, we don't want to hear that right away and need to vent first before we get that criticism) and sometimes we raise our "hackles" when someone offers genuine and honest criticisms.

Sweet&Content: Much like you and Andrew, I faced similar issues as child (moving 9 times between kindergarten and before I graduated high school certainly didn't help either). Body language and facial expressions make it easier to understand what else may be going on. It's hard because it puts the onus on the reader to ask if what is written is that or if there was more to it (if we think that there may be more to it).

I think I got exposed, however, to some positive stuff (a balance to the challenges of school and having not a single friend until age 17) thanks to my aunts and uncles. From a young age, most of my interactions were with them and it shaped how I understood language (both french and english). But that has hindered me a bit online in that some view how I "talk" is "talking down". K used to comment about how I'd do this until she met my aunts and uncles. And then understood that this was a learned language I had picked up from them (debating is a family pastime during the holidays and at family events -- the Freethinkers thread is the kind of thing we'd debate regularly).

Gemme: Agreed. It is that, as I mentioned, "judging a book by it's cover" concept. Whether this is bad or not, I dunno. Part of it I can see as a protective thing and as a feeling connected with those of like-minded viewpoints (I like some sparkle but I do like the brooding stuff too -- yes, I'm weird that way). At the same time, it makes me think that we limit our experience when we limit our interaction (the exception to this is when we have to limit our exposure for our own good or to avoid conflict with those we know we don't "play well with").

I do want to thank everyone who is participating in this thread (whether just reading or actively writing in it). It's been awesome and it's been opening my eyes up to more and more concepts. And more questions (always a good thing in my book).