The Art of Online Communication

[Linus]

Online conversations have sometimes been a challenge for me. I'm often a visual person and picking up facial/body clues from others often helped me determine if something I said was wrong, funny or misunderstood. In the past I've played an online text-based game that involved a lot of heated discussions about how things were understood and interpreted, particularly online. How "the reader" understood things is very different than perhaps what "the poster" intended. And sometimes there is a huge difference between the two (or more).

On "the poster's" side, life's challenges may seep through the writing and present a post that normally would be neutral as being hostile ("YOU said ..." vs "It was once said.."). On "the reader's" side, a similar situation can result in a "knee-jerk" response. We believe that whatever was written was directed solely towards us rather than it being towards the "royal you" (meaning everyone) and we take it personally. We end up with a variety of posts that over-emphasize the idea of "IMO" (In My opinion). "The reader" may have forgotten that this is someone's opinion and could be wrong but is just as valid as other opinions (opinions don't have to be based in fact; they just are a point of view based on different experiences).

Add to that the style of writing. Some like posting in caps (historically on the internet this is an indication of "yelling" or "strong point of view"), some post entirely in lower case and without punctuations. Some write entirely in phone text (it cn B hrd 2 read) while others english is a second language and a challenge even for those where it's the first. Sarcasm can, at times, be hard to convey and while smilies help convey a feeling or image, there isn't enough of them to truly get the whole point across.

We cannot deny that there are online relationships made. A friend recently commented how his interactions online with people made the readers of his blog feel like they knew him personally. He was surprised and got rather shy when he'd go to conferences where people would spot him, go up to him and ask him how he was doing. Even in a forum like this one (and others), connections are made and we've invested a part of ourselves into the community at large. We feel a connection.

So how do we resolve this challenge between "the reader" and "the poster" when things truly go awry? I know it's happened to me and it's always puzzled me that when something I've posted, entirely innocently intending one thing and it's interpreted as something different, is taking way in a different light. Do I ignore, dig my heels in or.. ?

Thoughts? Opinions? Rants? ?

[Pixie]

I think one way to always be sure is to ask. Lay out how you understood the statement and ask if that's right. Give the poster a chance to look over again what was said and what was perceived and that way no underlining miss communication. I know alot of times my perception or opinion on things can be confusing or easily misunderstood, because I look at it and describe it from my pov which may not always make sense to others. I like to ask questions and questions to be asked because then we know that we are all heard and understood.

[Diva]

I love this thread, Linus, thank You!

My personal style of 'speaking on~line' is to ~basically ~ type what I'm thinking...and how I would say it to You if You were sitting right here in r/t. "Shy" is not a word folks would use to describe me. I live out loud for sure! I have made a bunch of friends on~line.....I am blessed.

I feel like when I say something, I'm not typing just to hear myself talk. I'm not posturing. Not my style. I appreciate good grammar and spelling and am VERY thankful to The Planet that we have no time limit on editing....as sometimes, my keys stick and sometimes, my "of" looks like "o" or my 5 brains cells do not coordinate....stuff like that. I use caps sometimes to emphasize a word, not to yell, so I find ALL caps inappropriate.

I use these ".............." a lot. When I type <giggle/giggling> more than likely, I really AM. I laugh a lot and love to laugh a lot.

In serious threads, I try to formulate my thoughts in a very careful way, so as not to offend. I don't post when I'm angry. That being said, if I am passionate about something, sometimes YOU hear it when I do.....usually I will preface what I say with "Oh I have something to say about THIS!" so get ready....<giggle>

This is my style of on~line conversation.....

[Boots13]

I like this thread. I have to start getting ready for work, but I'll be back to post soon !

[Jess]

I have been on both sides of "misunderstood" and "misunderstanding". I have also been guilty of the knee jerk reaction when I felt something I posted was misinterpreted . I don't like that in myself and am trying to "hear" better.

Sometimes I get a bit worked up when I think someone is "picking apart" my words and looking for a different meaning. Sometimes, they may be.. sometimes they may be simply assisting me in looking at things differently.

The art of communication takes a great deal of practice and this old dog has been trying a lot of new tricks in the past couple of years. I will continue trying to be better at not " over reading the words" or personalizing them too much.

Thanks to any and everyone who has helped me grow in this!

Great thread Linus!

[Linus]

Originally Posted by PixieStars

I think one way to always be sure is to ask. Lay out how you understood the statement and ask if that's right. Give the poster a chance to look over again what was said and what was perceived and that way no underlining miss communication. I know alot of times my perception or opinion on things can be confusing or easily misunderstood, because I look at it and describe it from my pov which may not always make sense to others. I like to ask questions and questions to be asked because then we know that we are all heard and understood.

That is good advice and something that I've tried on a couple of occasions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes... well, I've been told once that it should have been obvious what their intention was with the past as is.

Originally Posted by Diva

I love this thread, Linus, thank You!

My personal style of 'speaking on~line' is to ~basically ~ type what I'm thinking...and how I would say it to You if You were sitting right here in r/t. "Shy" is not a word folks would use to describe me. I live out loud for sure! I have made a bunch of friends on~line.....I am blessed.

I feel like when I say something, I'm not typing just to hear myself talk. I'm not posturing. Not my style. I appreciate good grammar and spelling and am VERY thankful to The Planet that we have no time limit on editing....as sometimes, my keys stick and sometimes, my "of" looks like "o" or my 5 brains cells do not coordinate....stuff like that. I use caps sometimes to emphasize a word, not to yell, so I find ALL caps inappropriate.

I use these ".............." a lot. When I type <giggle/giggling> more than likely, I really AM. I laugh a lot and love to laugh a lot.

In serious threads, I try to formulate my thoughts in a very careful way, so as not to offend. I don't post when I'm angry. That being said, if I am passionate about something, sometimes YOU hear it when I do.....usually I will preface what I say with "Oh I have something to say about THIS!" so get ready....<giggle>

This is my style of on~line conversation.....

For some reason, when I read your posts I get that idea. As I read this, I looked at your avatar and this made me wonder about something. A question to all reading: do you judge or perceive a post a certain way because of the avatar that the user has? For example, a personal avatar that is smiling, fun or humourous versus one that is dark, depressing or violent.

Originally Posted by Boots13

I like this thread. I have to start getting ready for work, but I'll be back to post soon !

Look forward to seeing what you have to offer.

Originally Posted by Jess

I have been on both sides of "misunderstood" and "misunderstanding". I have also been guilty of the knee jerk reaction when I felt something I posted was misinterpreted . I don't like that in myself and am trying to "hear" better.

Sometimes I get a bit worked up when I think someone is "picking apart" my words and looking for a different meaning. Sometimes, they may be.. sometimes they may be simply assisting me in looking at things differently.

The art of communication takes a great deal of practice and this old dog has been trying a lot of new tricks in the past couple of years. I will continue trying to be better at not " over reading the words" or personalizing them too much.

Thanks to any and everyone who has helped me grow in this!

Great thread Linus!

I think the "picking apart" feeling has happened to me. Usually, I find, it's in threads that are heated and somewhat political or have sides that are entrenched in their view (their "ears" are "closed"). Have others had this? If so, how did you deal with the "picking apart" of your post? Did you feel that it was necessary or did you feel it was a personal attack?

And speaking of which, how do you distinguish between personal attacks versus attacks of ideology? And how do you get threads back on track (on the issue/discussion) rather than about the person?

Many thanks to all of you for participating. Makes me feel all warm all over to have a good discussion.

And since I'm listening to it as I type, I invite you to listen to some holiday music while you ponder the question:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1CR4DjTTjo"]YouTube- The Jackson 5 - Frosty The Snowman[/ame]

[Kenna]

One of my first "hard-core" exprieriences with online discussion forums was with the University of Phoenix/Axia [online] College. One of our first classes/subjects was online ediquette and how we present our discussion or convey our thoughts to our readers (aka, our audience). I learned many things during this assignment. It drove home a few good points, one in particular being that before computers, we were taught penmenship and would often spend more effort in the proper manners or ediquette of conversing or communication. In the computer age, we are more apt to quickly jot out an email or text message (often without proof reading)...without giving much considersation to how our "tone of voice" sounds in that medium. That assignment taught me a great deal about my "Tone" in any form of communication. Grade schools no longer teach penmenship nor spend much time on pubic speaking/addressing your audience or various forms of communication and ediquette.

I used that assignment to improve upon my communication skills at work: Until recently, I worked for the State in the Health Care Policy/Legislative Analysis unit. (...I am certainly ENJOYING my sebatical after resigning :-) ) I was "high up" in management and had to deal with many diverse, sometimes difficult or hostile personalities and audiences. One workgroup that I coordinated had several members, that no matter what "tone" you used with them, always had an argument or misunderstanding of your intentions...or their emails would always convey a very hostile attitude or tone. All the workgroup members worked out of different offices and we spent TOO MUCH time coordinating assignments/duties and very difficult, tedious projects over email. Many times, things would get "lost in translation" because someone fired off an email before thinking of their tone or the person(s) they were addressing. At that job, I also drafted responses to various audiences such as the Secretary of Public Welfare, House/Senate Reps or a mother or 3 who questioned why her benefits didn't pay. I had to be hyper aware of my tone, "passive versus active voice" and who I was addressing.

During my online college classes, I tried to develop a more "gentle or appropriate" tone to my responses to our discussion groups and always kept in mind that I was addressing the class as a whole... At work, it was more difficult because I had to be hyper aware of various personalities and how they may read and misinterpret my email and my tone. Not to mention, my email to our Director would contain more ediquette in my tone, than say to my co-worker/best friend.

Here, at BFP, (or other online forums) I am mindful of my audience and try to make sure I don't "fire off a post" like I would fire off an email without proofreading or respecting my reader. Before college, I had a tendency to fire off emails without thinking. At work, I had one lovely individual that preferred I keep things simple and fire off email instructions like "Please proofread/comment on this Design Document and respond by COB Friday. Thanks" But lordy forbid I do that with a particular other coworker... she would rip my head off!! In all online communications with this person, I had to bend over backwards to "be polite" and address her as if she were the Queen of the Moon. And if she didn't like what you had to say, she would hit the "reply to all" button and fire off back at the whole workgroup in a very "accusitory and angry" tone. She would often be hot tempered and misinterpret your intentions and tone, without asking questions or for clarification. Yet she would never keep her tone or audience in mind.

And..while working there I learned a great deal about not emailing my "opinion" on things or being too vague in my descriptions of scenarios. When I first took that workgroup over, we had no "communication plan" or specific responsible parties for certain tasks... I learned while desiging our communication plan, that I should covey things in "concepts" rather than opinions or scenarios. "What if we were to go with concept A, versus concept B or C?" or "I beleive that concept C is the better choice, but I'd like to hear your views before we decide." If I came over as too strong in my opinion, I would get instant hostility from certain people...because they took me as "ordering them around" or "that idea just can't be done". When I conveyed concepts or ideas through more detailed explinations... (I may understand the scenario in "simple terms", but someone else not familar with the problem or acronyms/"techie talk" may need a broken down version of my discussion??) my coworkers were more responsive and many who were threatened by that hostile person would be more apt to speak up and chime-in on the discussion and give very valid points. That hostile persons tone used in email and R/T would often stop others from participating in the discussion. When I took over that workgroup, I worked very hard to get the non-responsive individuals more comfortable about chiming in... it was all a well spent effort in improving my personal communication and ediquette to others...mostly over online mediums.

LOL...where can I get in line for my:

[Boots13]

Originally Posted by Linus

Online conversations have sometimes been a challenge for me. I'm often a visual person and picking up facial/body clues from others often helped me determine if something I said was wrong, funny or misunderstood. So how do we resolve this challenge between "the reader" and "the poster" when things truly go awry?

Thoughts? Opinions? Rants? ?

So many lessons learned ! And I'm still learning. I too am visual !

I have limited my knee-jerk reactions and have tried to be much more deliberate in my answers...and I use exclamation points and smilies to try to convey an image of lightheartedness. But I was truly surprised to learn, from a dear friend, that I have a snarky rep(or at the least a snarky sense of humor) online !!! I gathered that the abruptness of my posts, or perhaps a dry sense of humor would garner that impression.

I try to operate from a "me" place...how I feel and what Ithink so that my opinions aren't projected onto a poster that provoked a thought or a desire to share an experience.

But I am also at the ready to apologize if I feel I've offended anyone. And because it can go sideways in a matter of a post or two..I try to be on top of a conversation that I've engaged in and I try to be objective and not subjective over my emotional responses to some subjects.

Also, sometimes my work hours are daunting and I'm away from the computer - which I'm afraid lends to an air of inaccessability..when in actuality it is my career obligation that has taken precedence over my ability to remain in a conversation.

So, with all this in mind, I try to be kind and I want to be supportive in my responses. Rather than inflammatory and overtly opinionated...

I love the wide array of smilies that we can chose from!

[julieisafemme]

What a great thread!! I have been picked apart and it did hurt. I learned that there are certain subjects where it is better to keep my thoughts to myself.

I tend to be quite literal both in my posting and interpreting other's posts. I loathe snark. Sometimes I ask questions and that makes me appear to be stupid. That is my literal self. I need plainspeak sometimes to understand. I also am heavily dependent on tone of voice and body language to understand. I am learning how to do that online more and more. This makes me much less reactionary.

Another aspect of this is the persona one takes on in an online environment. Am I the same person online as I am offline? If I am talking the talk here am I walking the walk in real time? This, for me, would make if very difficult to engage in an online relationship.

ETA that I don't like that there is unlimited editing on posts!!!!

[Linus]

Sweet&Content: very interesting. Did you ever figure out why some thought you were ordering them around (that is, what the cause was)?

Boots13: I agree about the me-place. I'm curious if you've written from the me-place and whether others took it to be a general statement (it's an odd thing I've noticed that happens more online). How do you identify that your opinion should be interpreted as just yours and not speaking for others? Do you explicitly say that?

Also, sometimes my work hours are daunting and I'm away from the computer - which I'm afraid lends to an air of inaccessability..when in actuality it is my career obligation that has taken precedence over my ability to remain in a conversation.

This is something I'm very familar with. It's, I believe, a side-effect of our information age and the speed up of getting response NOW (NOW! NOW! NOW! ) With the advent of social networking mechanisms, like twitter, I believe this is accelerating the desire for instantaneous response to a query or post. Almost as if life is only online and not anywhere else. (am I understanding this the same way?)

juliaisafemme: that is a challenge. And then, if I can guess, you wonder whether others are true as the person they are or is it a face? (We all have various faces we show -- different towards friends, family, lovers, etc.) Personally, I am the same in person as I am online (I have no concept of how to hide myself; must be the naive Canadian in me )

Why do you dislike snark? What is it that turns you off? Do you feel the same way about sarcasm or dry humor?

And ya. We left the edit option to unlimited. Since the system records when someone makes a change, it's pretty obvious. We kinda also believe y'all are adults.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sweet&Content: very interesting. Did you ever figure out why some thought you were ordering them around (that is, what the cause was)?

Boots13: I agree about the me-place. I'm curious if you've written from the me-place and whether others took it to be a general statement (it's an odd thing I've noticed that happens more online). How do you identify that your opinion should be interpreted as just yours and not speaking for others? Do you explicitly say that?




This is something I'm very familar with. It's, I believe, a side-effect of our information age and the speed up of getting response NOW (NOW! NOW! NOW! ) With the advent of social networking mechanisms, like twitter, I believe this is accelerating the desire for instantaneous response to a query or post. Almost as if life is only online and not anywhere else. (am I understanding this the same way?)

juliaisafemme: that is a challenge. And then, if I can guess, you wonder whether others are true as the person they are or is it a face? (We all have various faces we show -- different towards friends, family, lovers, etc.) Personally, I am the same in person as I am online (I have no concept of how to hide myself; must be the naive Canadian in me )

Why do you dislike snark? What is it that turns you off? Do you feel the same way about sarcasm or dry humor?

And ya. We left the edit option to unlimited. Since the system records when someone makes a change, it's pretty obvious. We kinda also believe y'all are adults.

Well I had thought I was the same person too! Apparently I am not. I think it is more that we share certain aspects of ourselves and not others. It is easier here to be your best self. It is a very public persona but also allows for intimate disclosures that create an image of transparency or a sense of knowing someone that is not entirely real. Like someone posted about the person with the blog who was shocked when it seemed like people knew him.

Snark to me is lazy. It seems sometimes people are more interested in writing something clever and zingy then in contributing to a conversation. It feels mean spirited. Sarcasm can be ok and dry humor is the best. But all three are very different things to me.

[Boots13]

Originally Posted by Linus

Boots13: I agree about the me-place. I'm curious if you've written from the me-place and whether others took it to be a general statement (it's an odd thing I've noticed that happens more online). How do you identify that your opinion should be interpreted as just yours and not speaking for others? Do you explicitly say that?

Well, I guess I preface or introduce statements with how it made me feel or how it reminds me of something I've done, or how a statement elicits my opinion or provokes my emotion, or MY perceived conduct of another.

I try not to say You (You did, you need to, you are)...I cant own YOU or how YOU made me feel...I can own ME and how I interpret or react to information.

I hope this makes sense.

But I'm also aware that upon seeing a post full of me, me, me, I, me, I, me, can appear to be ego-centric...that I'm trying to make something all about me...I'm not, but its always such a juggle.

And usually tread a neutral line because my day is full of conflict resolution, diffusing disturbances, intervening in highly emotional confrontations...so I enjoy my online time, but often I'm just too tired to really dig into hot topics.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sweet&Content: very interesting. Did you ever figure out why some thought you were ordering them around (that is, what the cause was?)

My apologies for my delayed response Linus... no disrespect intended, been away for a bit..

Did I figure the cause out? Yeah, kinda... and maybe that's why I resigned in September after feeling like things would never change? I'll try to explain... It was the people at work (only, not those I converse with online) that sometimes felt like I was ordering them around. But, then again, I WAS the only Manager and Project/Program Consultant (wearing many hats) in the whole State for a state-funded preventive health program for children. With my communications to my friends or my support of online forums such as BFP, I handle myself entirely different... here, I am a valued member of the Community... with a voice and a unique personality, that is respected for who I am. At work, I was a Boss that had to FIGHT to get things done...and often times had to deal with hostile personalities in a professional but abrupt manner. Sometimes I got fed-up with fighting and my emotions would show through during my communications...

I had to take an "authoritative tone of voice" and send many online communications to follow-up on project progress...often times I had to take this tone too strongly and show a "kick-ass attitude" far too often...that tone may set the stage for others to be offended, even if they were in the wrong to begin with? I had to learn to be very careful with my online communications. I wanted to foster a work environment where everyone felt as if they were a valuable member, and where their views would be listened to and addressed APPROPRIATELY and RESPECTFULLY... even if the answer was No.

Several individuals on our team felt threatened by me in an authority role and with my "tone" both online and in person because I had to be the boss...other individuals were afraid to speak up because of hostility & intimidation they felt from workgroup members which always acted like they ran the show and had the "right" to talk to others in a hostile manner. (on a side note...there are specific online discussion forums that I am afraid -sometimes very afraid - to speak up or share my views because of the hostile manner in which I am addressed in their return online communications and their "attacking tone", even from the administration of that particular forum. I have left that discussion forum/online community - or rarely ever participate - because I felt things would never change. ) The hostile individuals I had to deal with at work especially didn't like it when I took over the job and proceeded to work out long-standing issues with their personality conflicts and lack of proper communication skills. Not to mention, they shared very little respect for me when they learned I was hired as an authority figure...with no true formal college education. (my education or lack thereof does not make me a less or better person... or my views or work less important....)

Like you just said, Linus, "y'all are adults"... my question is, why couldn't they ACT like adults with their communication to others? I believe, after much thought on the issue, that they thought I was ordering them around because they wanted to "get on their soap-box" about issues, but didn't want to take or share personal responsibility for their work, actions or proper communications and could care less about respecting or accepting others. Taking and sharing responsibility, especially for one's own actions (instead of bullying or intimidating others through verbal or written communication, or forcing your views/opinions on your workgroup members without being open-minded to respect or other possible views, or being nasty to someone just so you can stand your ground..etc.) is very much a part of responsible, respectful adult communication...rather online or in person.

(sorry for the ramble...when you're as tired as I am, it's harder to form thoughts...)

Now... it's time to go make Naked Snow Angels in our new, fresh snow! Who wants to take pictures? LOL

[Gemme]

In response to the question about one's perceptions based on another's avatar, I'd say that I do do that. Our avatars are a way to express ourselves. Now, some don't have paid memberships and so, are limited in their avi options, but still....we choose what suits us best out of the options we have.

So, if someone puts up an ominous looking one (and if I haven't had any communication with them to suggest otherwise), I'm going to assume that that person is not necessarily morbid or pessimistic or has a tiny black heart but I will deduce that s/he is not the bright, light, fluffy type. Sometimes what we don't see tells us more than what we do see.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Gemme

In response to the question about one's perceptions based on another's avatar, I'd say that I do do that. Our avatars are a way to express ourselves. Now, some don't have paid memberships and so, are limited in their avi options, but still....we choose what suits us best out of the options we have.

So, if someone puts up an ominous looking one (and if I haven't had any communication with them to suggest otherwise), I'm going to assume that that person is not necessarily morbid or pessimistic or has a tiny black heart but I will deduce that s/he is not the bright, light, fluffy type. Sometimes what we don't see tells us more than what we do see.

I agree... avatars and signature lines sometimes give me a feeling of "should I or shouldn't I address this person?" I don't mean anything negative or disrespectful by that... It's just if I see a really "dark" or "brooding" avi or signature picture/quote, I will avoid conversing with that person until I know more about them.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Linus,

This is another great thread! I am like you are - visual. Words clog me up. I struggle all the time.

I have no clue if someone is joking with me or not, when I am being honest and sincere in a thread. Then I get set-up to be laughed at. I am used to it. That is just how it was for me in school. I am very quiet, and reserved.

I have to trust certain folks to lean on, like yourself, to explain things to me. Without that trust and help, I know I would not be here.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Linus,

This is another great thread! I am like you are - visual. Words clog me up. I struggle all the time.

I have no clue if someone is joking with me or not, when I am being honest and sincere in a thread. Then I get set-up to be laughed at. I am used to it. That is just how it was for me in school. I am very quiet, and reserved.

I have to trust certain folks to lean on, like yourself, to explain things to me. Without that trust and help, I know I would not be here.

Hi Andrew, Jr.,
I just wanted to share, if I may? ... You are not alone and I support you. School/childhood was misery for me, especially when I just couldn't get it when other kids were being sarcastic or joking...or making a joke out of me. I often would "walk right into" it and end up being tormented and laughed at because I couldn't pick up on cues. Online banter, sarcasm, jokes or a situation where the communication is too vague or ambiguous leaves me wondering "are they joking? are they serious? what did I miss here? If I don't get it, will they think I'm a duntz and laugh AT me?"...etc... I, too, tend to be quite and reserved...preferring to observe rather than participate in the conversation...
Enjoy your evening and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
S&C

Ps.. I would rather read a person's body and facial language so I can get a clue as to their real intentions or emotions, than reading their words or second-guess at their intended communication efforts. I can tell more from their face if they are joking with me, than I can from their written words.

[Linus]

Sigh. I had a huge response to a variety of posts and Firefox crashed on me. I'll have to come back later today (lunch time perhaps) and respond then. Sorry.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sigh. I had a huge response to a variety of posts and Firefox crashed on me. I'll have to come back later today (lunch time perhaps) and respond then. Sorry.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Sweet & Content,

I agree. School for me was nothing short of hell. I had tutors, teachers, and I went year round to just keep up because I failed most everything.