Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

Great thread, Jen....thank You for this!

I was adopted and taken from the hospital on the day I was born. They gave me a good life in comparison to what I would have had had I not been given up for adoption.

My biological mother had been abandoned by my birth father when he found out she was pregnant with me. So her sister (my 'aunt') convinced her that I should be given up. She already had another child by her first husband who had died. The sister is 12 years older than I.

I can't remember being told I was adopted; I've just always known. There were times that I felt being adopted was a curse. But now, having met my birth mother and half~sister, having been adopted was the best thing that could have happened.

My birth mother went on to divorce my father, and married 2 more times. I met her when I was 22. She was never forthcoming about my birth father and I guess I will always be a little bitter about that.

My 1/2 sister is unstable at best. She called me in May to tell me that our mother had died......in March of 2008. She said she had been "advised" not to tell me because I might come after the property. So I'm a little bitter with her too, as I would have wanted to go to her funeral. That's neither here nor there.

In the last few months, I have made contact with my 'niece' and will be visiting soon.

I love the story of my adoption... My adoptive Mom's name was Sybil. My birth mother's name was Sibyl. My name is Janey. My 1/2~sister's name is Janet.

Crazy, huh?

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by Diva

Great thread, Jen....thank You for this!

I was adopted and taken from the hospital on the day I was born. They gave me a good life in comparison to what I would have had had I not been given up for adoption.

My biological mother had been abandoned by my birth father when he found out she was pregnant with me. So her sister (my 'aunt') convinced her that I should be given up. She already had another child by her first husband who had died. The sister is 12 years older than I.

I can't remember being told I was adopted; I've just always known. There were times that I felt being adopted was a curse. But now, having met my birth mother and half~sister, having been adopted was the best thing that could have happened.

My birth mother went on to divorce my father, and married 2 more times. I met her when I was 22. She was never forthcoming about my birth father and I guess I will always be a little bitter about that.

My 1/2 sister is unstable at best. She called me in May to tell me that our mother had died......in March of 2008. She said she had been "advised" not to tell me because I might come after the property. So I'm a little bitter with her too, as I would have wanted to go to her funeral. That's neither here nor there.

In the last few months, I have made contact with my 'niece' and will be visiting soon.

I love the story of my adoption... My adoptive Mom's name was Sybil. My birth mother's name was Sibyl. My name is Janey. My 1/2~sister's name is Janet.

Crazy, huh?

diva, did we come from the same family

*wink*

[Diva]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

diva, did we come from the same family

*wink*

Scary for YOU!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

HAHAHAH *winks*

I was born in Oklahoma and it is hella hard to get any court papers opened, most of the time they won't do it at all and that sucks.

[Apocalipstic]

Thanks so much for participating!

I also was born in Oklahoma and adopted at 11 days. At the time I was born, 1963, Oklahoma had the highest rate of unwed mothers in the US and was the only state where you adopt a child and immediately take them out of the country.

I have met my birth parents, but after the original Ophah moment it was disappointing. I needed them to be sorry for discarding me, and they aren't. They gave me away because they loved me so much into a very very abusive situation. Logically I know they did the best they could.

When I met them I had what is called "the bastard moment" when you go from an upstanding member of society back to where you have to lie about who you are or have relatives who wont even look at you because you ruined their mother's life and so forth. It's not always or even often a happy daytime TV moment.

I was always told I was adopted, and at first thought all children were chosen. I later learned chosen as a replacement for the child my adopted parents dreamed they could have on their own. An impostor.

My birth certificate (the one made after the adoption, the one that does not have illegitimate stamped on it) says I am Scots Irish and that my adopted parents gave birth to me. Actually I am Irish and Cherokee. Not even the race they wanted.

I am no fan of the closed adoption system. Lies and secrets abound.

More later.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Where in Oklahoma?

My real mother has lied to me so much about why I was given up and who she thinks my father is, that I have no clue where to start on searching for him.

I agree, closed adoptions are abound with lies and secrets.


On my birth certificate as well, I am listed as Cherokee and French, my adopted family is actually Swedish, Dutch and Kanza.

[christie]

Great thread idea!!

As an adoptee, I know much of what you have gone through.

I'm at work... busy busy day for us chief bean counters! I will be back to post my story...

In the meantime, have any of you ever read anything about "The Primal Wound?" It was very eye-opening to me...

Christie

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thanks so much for participating!

I also was born in Oklahoma and adopted at 11 days. At the time I was born, 1963, Oklahoma had the highest rate of unwed mothers in the US and was the only state where you adopt a child and immediately take them out of the country.

I have met my birth parents, but after the original Ophah moment it was disappointing. I needed them to be sorry for discarding me, and they aren't. They gave me away because they loved me so much into a very very abusive situation. Logically I know they did the best they could.

When I met them I had what is called "the bastard moment" when you go from an upstanding member of society back to where you have to lie about who you are or have relatives who wont even look at you because you ruined their mother's life and so forth. It's not always or even often a happy daytime TV moment.

I was always told I was adopted, and at first thought all children were chosen. I later learned chosen as a replacement for the child my adopted parents dreamed they could have on their own. An impostor.

My birth certificate (the one made after the adoption, the one that does not have illegitimate stamped on it) says I am Scots Irish and that my adopted parents gave birth to me. Actually I am Irish and Cherokee. Not even the race they wanted.

I am no fan of the closed adoption system. Lies and secrets abound.

More later.

I too was adopted. My mother proceeded to abuse me until I was 14 and taken out of the home. After she had kicked me in the chest repeatedly while wearing clogs. She collapsed my mitral valve and left me in the driveway because she was angry that my father had gone to NM for his brothers funeral.

I knew I was adopted from early on, in fact I was reminded of it almost every day by Mom, who said I was her debt to society not a family member.

I don't reveal all this in a poor me manner. It is what it is and I've had years of therapy. Here is an interesting fact that is not loudly talked about:

It has long been documented that former foster kids are overrepresented in America's prisons....Example: "69% on inmates in California State Prisons were former foster children; 60% in Massachusetts were foster children" according to testimony on the Congressional Record. The same appears to be true of adoptees.... Example: According to FBI stats: "16% of 500 serial killers are adoptees." http://foia.fbi.gov/foiaindex/foiaindex_s.htm and according to Dr. Mike Aamodt, Radford University, "14% of 225 serial killers are adoptees."
Therefore, it begs the question as to WHY, if adoption (instead of foster care or permanent guardianship) is truly in the adoptees' "best interests," does "an over-representation of adoptees" end up in prison --

• regardless whether adopted as newborns or later in childhood,
• regardless whether placed with abusive or loving adopters,
• regardless whether they inherited "good genes" or "bad" genes from loving or abusive biological parents,
• regardless whether of one race/nationality or another,

[Note that AmFOR includes as noteworthy not only adoptees whose behaviors since childhood have escalated to felony crimes but also some truly "wrongfully convicted" adoptees who have been easily coerced into admitting guilt or accepting plea bargains for crimes they did NOT commit from lifelong acquiescence regarding their unnatural status.]
While many factors result in criminal behaviors, the fact of the adoption, how it was handled in the adoptive home, and "Adopted Child Syndrome" is often purposely overlooked at trial because it is "politically incorrect" to explore adoption's negative effects on the adoptee. Savvy profilers, forensic psychologists, attorneys, writers and other researchers, factor in adoption's abuse, not as an "excuse" but as a contributory "reason" (the "WHY") for criminal behavior in these individuals.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Adele, I often wondered this about the inmates in our system but I don't see anything Politically Incorrect about bringing up the negative side of adoption.


Is it the anger the adoptee has that leads them to a life of violence or is it truly "bad genes"

Rockin,

I am so sorry that you and some of the other posters had to experience these horrid actions of your adopted parents, I grew up in a great home with lots of love yet today I am an angry adult who has tons of questions and no answers.

[Rockinonahigh]

Man dose this hit a sore spot big time.I wish I had just been raised on an orpanage not knowing a thing about my family conections..ever,yes it would have been so much easyer to deal with.My grandparents were always my grannie and popa,they were the rock I had in my life till they passed.My aunt who I always thought of as my mom,really wasnt,talk about slap in the face when a 6yro finds out that the mom u thought u had wasnt at all.Mom was always distant with me,worked a lot..even when she was home.Over the years i took lots of bs about my bio parents abandoning me...he left then she handed me off to my aunt then hit the road just like the old man did.Both remarried adopted other peoples kids,raised them very well indeed,never a good word or thought about the kid they threw out.My bio mother,was the family wild child,daddio was a hot shot ladys man who loved then and left them.After a time they finaly hooked up with someone settled down with family and a life.I herd from so many aunts,uncles,cousins and ppl in general about how I was a wothless missbegotten child who would turn out like them cause it is preordained in me,how could I ever be any less.When my grand parents passed I was 10 when pops went and 16 when grannie passed.I had already become quite a rebel.then all hell broke loose after grannie went...if I wasnt bad ass enough befor I shure made up for it then.If anyone had ever cared to find out how the meanness of ppl can hurt a child,I would be a poster kid for the issue.The sence of being abandoned,unloved,put up with cause what else can u do with something u just have to deal with but dont remotely care about.They tryed to beat it out of me,ignore me.send me off to a catholic bordeing school to get rid of the prob...If I was pissed before u have no idea how pissed I really became.They didnt break me.what they did was give me a life of distrust feeling of not being able to trust what ppl say to me.To shorten the story I will say this...I servived...lots of tharapy...knowing my son loves me no mater what...my fur kids keep me grounded...finaly all the ppl involved in this mess (except me) passed away.Recently I got rid of the toxic ppl in my life(talk about feeling great) and I am moveing on in rebuilding my life one step at the time.
Rockin