Grieving

[DomnNC]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I lost my partner in an accident in 2003. I still miss her, and I still catch myself thinking about how much better everything was when she was here. I was so overwhelmed with grief for the first few years that it seemed like it would never get better. It did, but I was changed in many ways.

I lost my next girlfriend in Dec of '08. We had 8 1/2 days notice this time. I spent all of '09 crashing every vehicle I could get my hands on, some of them multiple times. I walked away from all of them. I spent all of this year getting moving violations, but I'm no longer crashing.

My friends are nervously waiting for me to find some other way to grieve. I stay very, very busy. I've been funneling my energy into a motorcycle advocacy organisation that I started in the spring of '08. All my time is now occupied doing useful work, which was my goal. I may be a bit too busy and stressed out, though. I recently developed shingles. Ach!

I'm approaching the second anniversary of my gf's passing, and this May will be my late partner's ninth anniversary. It still feels raw and fresh. I wish I could tell everyone how easy it becomes, but that would be a lie. It may not become easy, but eventually the grief becomes a part of your life, rather than your whole life.

Take care of yourselves this Holiday season.

I can totally relate to your losses. I lost my wife as well, it will be 3 years this November 26th, tho it seems like yesterday, God how I hate this flippin' month. I can vividly recall that night and all the events that transpired. I can almost feel my hands on her chest doing chest compressions and screaming at her not to leave me this way, begging her to come back. I can feel my lips against hers as I tried to breathe life back into her, all to no avail. I can remember standing in the door way pleading with her to come back as the medics worked on her, then them finally pulling me from the door way and walking me to the living room. I knew she was gone before I ever started CPR but I had to try. I begged God to take me instead, he wouldn't. My heart and soul were ripped out that night as well, I don't know that they will ever be back. Not only did I lose my wife, I lost my best friend and I lost my soul mate. I carried a lot of guilt for the first year of her passing, I had done CPR on quite a few people in my lifetime and they all made it, hell I even did CPR on a dog before and he made it, she didn't. I went over and over in my mind if I did something wrong during CPR, if I had just done something different. I was her Dominant, her Master and I had failed to protect her somehow, the guilt consumed me for the first year.
I take a little solace and peace in knowing that the last 3 words from her lips to me were "I love you" and the last 3 words she heard before she died from me, "I love you". We never went to sleep or left the other to go somewhere without telling each other that just because you never know what will happen.
We were watching a football game, she decided to go to sleep, laid down and reached for the trashcan and threw up a little. I asked her if she was alright, no response, I asked again, no response. Our dog jumped up and ran toward her head barking and I jumped out of bed and ran around to her side of the bed, lifted her back on the bed, checked for a pulse, none, she wasn't breathing. She had a pulmonary embolism which broke loose in her lung and hit her heart, she died instantly. The Dr's tell me she suffered no pain and there was nothing anyone could have done to save her, even them.
We were friends for 10 years before we got together, we were together for almost 17 years, that's 27 years total yet it was not enough.
People will say it gets better, that's b/s. I will never forget her or stop loving her. I visit her grave, as she is buried in my hometown and I've since moved back here, sit and talk to her. Yes, I apologize to her for not protecting her and keeping her safe.
We did have talks back when I had to have my first neck surgery and the risks were high that if something ever happened to one of us that the other would find happiness and someone to love them again. I know it would take someone special as they would have to accept her as being part of my life as well.

To all of those dealing with loss, don't let anyone push you or tell you that you should be "over" it by now or some other type of bull. Heal in your own time, there is no set time limit on grief. We all deal with it and handle it in many different ways. Remember, you can keep them alive always within your heart.