To smoke or not to smoke?

[Gayla]

Originally Posted by Outlaw

I don't believe in scare tactics. WhyQuit.com can save their graphic photos. I drove and walked and sat and cleaned and kept cancer company until I watched and listened to it suffocate the truest love I had ever known. That didn't stop me, I stood up from his bedside, said my goodbyes and walked outside, I had a friend out there, she knew what I needed, she was always available and didn't need much in return. She never left me feeling alone or needy, unless we were apart, so I smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked, until one day, I didn't anymore, when I was ready and on my terms.

For me, it was my mom, although smoking took both of my parents and my grandfather, it was my mom whom I took care of through the last 3 months of her struggle with lung cancer. I'd push her wheelchair into the chemo room, make sure she was settled and then go back downstairs and out front to smoke.

I've been smoking since I was 13. That's 31 years. Up until last January, the longest I had gone without one was a little more than 24 hours. I've had periods where I cut back, got down to a pack a week a few times but never actually quit. I've read the scare tactics. I've taken the guilt trips and listened to years of nagging. I've tried the patches and the gum and the medications. Nothing worked because I didn't really want to quit.

January 5, 2010, I had major surgery. It wasn't supposed to be as major as it turned out to be but my 1.5 hour procedure took more than 5 hours and during that time I managed to lose about a third of the blood in my body. When I came to in the PACU, I had six IV's, a damn Foley and was too weak to even lift my arm up to scratch my nose. I also lost my voice and couldn't speak above a whisper. But, my lungs were clear and I was breathing better than I had in years! They can't tell me for sure, but most of the complications were probably related to smoking.

Less than a month later, I was back to a pack a day.

I'm not ready to let go of my friend. I don't know who I am as a non-smoker and I'm not ready to find out yet. When the time is right, it will happen. Until then, I do not kid myself into thinking this is anything other than a choice. I do not justify it. I do not lie. I'm smoking because, today, I choose to, knowing, more than most, what the consequences really will be.