Communication 101: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Just_G

I have always cowered and apologized for things I have said...when deep down inside, I knew that my input was neither right or wrong, it was just a discussion, but I felt beat down and that what I had to say didn't matter. Well, what I have to say DOES matter, and I am trying to break out of that shell. Before if she would have asked me which style of communication she used, I would have answered with what she wanted to hear. That would have been sugar coating or worse yet, letting her control how I answered the question. When I think back to some of the heated discussions we got into, I really did feel whipped and she would dominate me and the conversation.

I am starting to say how I think and feel. Perhaps she feels she is losing that control that I KNOW she had over me. I am by no means trying to "win" or "get back" at her by any means. I want to be able to go back and have some of the discussions we had in the past. I think rather than sitting back and not saying anything, or just agreeing with her, I would actually be able to better engage without my thoughts causing a log jam between my mind and my mouth because I feel intimidated.

Hi Just G

Not sure how I missed this post until today, but amen! This is exactly what I have done (and still do, and did again last night). And, your image of the log jam between mind and mouth is spot on....except for me the log jam is between heart and mind. I can keep talking....I just stop feeling. Once I start feeling intimidated, shut out, ignored or controlled....I stop being emotionally engaged. In a relationship, whether friendship or more intimate, that's deadly.

I totally hear you...and wish I had better answers. If you find some, please share them with me, okay?

I'm dealing with a situation right now in which I feel like a function rather than an appreciated person that counts...and it's killing the emotional connection in the process.

Here's what I'm facing...I'm told to say what I want, what I feel, what I think...and when I do the result is that I'm either ignored or showered with anger. If I don't say what I want/feel/think....then it's my fault that I don't get what I need. If I do say what I need....it doesn't happen anyway and I get the deluge of fury as well.

For me, this isn't about communication....it's about control. As long as I stay in my appointed role and don't express any needs or desires...then all is well. If I express unhappiness, need, insecurity, fear, hurt, dissatisfaction, frustration...anything that is difficult for the other to deal with...then it is suddenly all my fault. Meanwhile....the others in the situation are allowed to express their needs/wants and have them met.

I end up in the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation in which I cannot get my needs met, and I do not count. It's a trap....an emotional one rather than a physical one....but still a trap.

Here's the irony...all of that can be going on underneath a mantra of "you're my dearest friend" or "I love you" or "I'm saying this because I care about you" or "fill in the blank." But the subtext is "shut up about what you need/want/feel."

And...I do shut up. I also shut down.