Breaking the Spell: Rethinking queer community

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Toughy

Assimilation is not equality. Those of us who live in the burbs, white picket fence, either furry or non-furry kids are accepted (for the most part) ONLY because we look and act like our neighbors. As long as we look and act like our neighbors it's all good in the 'hood. They will even tolerate a suit and tie wearing butch to our faces, but inside that home they still think we are different and will do the 'why don't you get a real man' and 'she would be so pretty if she would just wear a dress and make-up' stuff. I doubt they would be so tolerant if they saw me come out in full leather, packing a big stiffy, with whips and chains attached to my chaps..........it would scare the bejesus out of them and they would clutch their children to their legs. They only tolerate us when we look and act like them on the surface.

And don't ever be fooled into thinking tolerance is a good thing. It's not. The good thing is acceptance. I'm not interested in being tolerated. I am interested in being recognized and accepted because I am a human being.

Tolerance is a false equality. Acceptance is full equality.

I often agree with what you just wrote, Toughy. Sometimes I even say exactly this thing out loud. But then I think of my friends T and L. They run a track school where I instruct in exchange for free track time. T and L live in rural/suburban New Hampshire, are very devout Christians who homeschool their child, and they believe that the earth is a certain number of thousands of years old. (I'm not sure which ridiculous number that crowd settled upon.) I haven't replaced my own track bike yet, so T just supplied me with some of the most awesome machinery ever built so that I could have fun at the last two track days. He even let me ride his fire breathing Ducati 919 race bike. L wasn't there. She was busy volounteering in Uganda with an organisation that helps women that have been captured and used in all the usual ways in the war. She doesn't EVER proselytize. Neither does her husband. She does the work because she thinks it's the right thing to do. Let me repeat that. They NEVER proselytize.

When one half of the lesbian couple that always takes their track days came out to her as a transwoman, L merely squealed in astonishment and admiration, asking her how she got those amazing breasts! My late gf Caren used to drive me up to track day and hang out watching the fun. If you looked up bulldyke in the dictionary you would have found a picture of Caren, complete with flat top and plenty of tats. Caren was Ms NJ Leather, and we looked a LOT like leatherdykes to anyone who was paying attention. Plus, no Christian could miss the large Pentagram I always wear. They didn't care. No one cared. Everyone was too busy having fun riding bikes on the track. Really. T and L have always been as welcoming as if we were their fellow church members.

After Caren died everyone, including and especially T and L, were just as supportive as they would have been had we been anyone else. Later that year L asked me if she could do something that nearly made me burst into tears, and whenever I tell this story I'm in danger of misting up all over again. L asked me if she could pray for me to find a new girlfriend.

We're so sure, and with good reason, that those who fit T and L's profile would doubtless be deeply hostile to us. They homeschool their child, for Pete's sake! Those people couldn't possibly want me to find a new girlfriend, much less pray for such a thing to happen! Even though what Toughy wrote has been true in the past, and is usually still true, I think we need to make room for the idea that just as Aj's family changed her neighbours' outlook, we can do the same. And we can do it looking exactly as we look, and being ourselves even when that's not mainstream.