Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

[Strappie]

I know what people say about me. It's not nice.. I think there are way too many people that are quick to judge and haven't a CLUE as to what they are talking about. In my case, if they "really knew me" they would know I'm far from it.

I try my best not to say a whole lot for the fact that if the two people start dating and if I said horrible stuff about the person and then those two people stay together for a long time WHO LOOKS LIKE THE FOOL? That would be me because you know the person I said it to will eventually tell them. So I try to stay out of it as much as I can.

[Kobi]

Whenever asked such a thing, I am always on guard....even if it is a trusted friend asking.

I always want to know 3 things. 1. what do they really want to know? 2. why do they want to know it? 3. why are they asking me in particular?

Their answers help me decide how to answer them or avoid answering them. Anything I choose to share is based on my own personal experience with someone and always with a positive spin (karma stuff ya know).

This, to me, is just sharing facts of my own experience. I dont consider this gossiping.

[Gemme]

I would answer honestly but as kind as I could.

For example, let's say I have a friend John and my other friend Regina asked me about John. I might say he's a good writer, funny and nice but he does like to drink.

*Note* I'm making these people and issues up for the sole sake of the question.

Why would I tell someone something like that? Well, maybe Regina has been in an alcohol-fueled violent relationship before and maybe John gets mean when he drinks. I would be doing what I felt was in the best interest of Regina by mentioning that to her. Did I say he's a raging alcoholic? No. I was referencing something that I knew would be a major trigger for her if that were the case.

Is it gossiping? Yes. Every time anyone says anything about anyone else, it's gossip. We all gossip. I think the intention plays heavily in situations like this.

[pajama]

I am usually very particular about who/how I make my own opinions of people. I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.

But I openly admit I am a HUGE gossip.

A

[Tawse]

Having been in both positions. (really is there a person who has NEVER asked another persons opinion about someone??? really????)


I like Gemma's approach - both in giving and receiving.

I've had my best friend have an all out feud with someone and yet I befriended that person despite that.

I'll listen to what you have to say - and then I'll use MY brain to see what I think. But I do appreciate being warned that XYZ enjoys smoking pot... because I have issues with that and would probably wonder why a friend failed to mention that fact to me if they knew my issues with the subject matter.

[*Anya*]

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

[Chancie]

I wouldn't be having this conversation at all with someone I did not know very well, and who did not know me very well.

I would share information about someone I knew well, but not someone with whom I had merely interacted a few times online.

I would share my impressions of someone I interacted with online, but I would be clear that I had never met the person and that I was just relating what I knew of them superficially.

I would not filter what I shared based on my personal interpretation of what I thought that person needed to hear. That's none of my business.

In most cases, if someone wants to know something specific, I usually encourage them to ask the other person directly.

But, if I have concrete first hand knowledge of behavior which I believe to be dangerous to others, I would certainly take the risk of sharing that information, regardless of whether I had been asked, and regardless of the potential fall out.

[Shadownthemind]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

I agree with you. When asked what I think of someone I only speak what I know from first hand experiance not from what others have told me

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

Most of the time, I think it is a set-up, too. Yes, the "telephone game" remains!

If I have actual, personal information about something like a person being dangerous (physically or emotionally), I would disclose it. But, the thing that I am more interested in with this whole matter is the "motovation" behind the question(s).

Even when I have had a falling-out with someone, I still keep whatever we may have shared confidential. It's called having honor and integrity.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by pajara2

I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.


A

This is me to a T! I take each person on their own merit....should the gossip turn out to be true, then I at least know this from my own experiences.

I don't always get this courtesy back and some have admitted they were wrong about me and apologised.

[Glenn]

Sweet; Slowly, with time, You actually will achieve that zenlike feeling of existence that is of the utmost importance: YOU TRULY WON'T GIVE A ****.

[LaneyDoll]

My answer would depend on the parties involved. If a close, trusted friend were to ask the question, they are more likely to get an in-depth answer. If the asker was someone I barely knew or someone I am unsure of, they are going to get factual answers only.

Most of the people I interact with are in my lifestyle community. Since I am probably considered to be a leader in this community, I have to often stay neutral/unbiased etc. My reputation took years to earn and I will not throw it away on anything that could be perceived as gossip.

[JustJo]

I've been one who asked.

Honestly, I would like to know if there is something serious I should be aware of....and I'd also like to know if the "reference" is a good one too.

I recently asked about someone....not randomly or haphazardly or in general...but someone that I knew actually KNEW the person I was asking about...and someone whose opinion I trusted.

I'm very glad I did.

Now....would I reach out and offer my opinion without being asked? No. My feeling is that, if someone wants to know, they will ask me.

Would I give an opinion about someone I didn't know well? No, I'd decline.

Would I give an honest, factual account of someone that I did know well? Yep.