only another butch would understand

[I'mOneToo]

sorry, don't know how to multi quote but wanted to get both of these in. this is really long but i'll try to edit some thoughts.

Jet and Stoney, I'm really hearing the discussion that you're having between the tissues, laundry, and poodles.

People say and do crazy shit during breakups. We've all done it, we've all had it done to us.

If someone's switch flips off whether it's a direct attack on your ID or indirectly by choosing someone else the complete opposite of the way you ID, it's always going to hurt to lose that person. Because once she flips, she's as gone as a girl can get, as the song says. There's nothing you can do to change her course in life. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it doesn't want yours any more, and that's painful.

At that point, you *don't* know her any more. You can try to figure out where you went wrong, but there are too many factors out of your control to really know. The unpredictability of another's soul is an unknown. I think it's just pure stupid luck if people are compatible and can stay together forever. It takes a lot of work and if both can't meet each other halfway, it's never going to work. People think it should be easy, that love shouldn't be work or it's not really love. I believe the opposite. No one flips a switch in an instant, it happens over time. All the little things that weren't dealt with at the time it happened, move it infinitesimably downward and then *boom* out go the lights. Did it get suddenly dark? No, usually both parties ignored the obvious signs that the sun was setting on their relationship.

You're going to mourn the loss. And grieve over it, and gnash your teeth and shake your fist at god, the fates, or whatever. And one day you'll wake up and see that it's really her loss. She lost you, and you lost her but YOU haven't lost *yourself*. It's not you who changed so fundamentally. That is the day you can wake up and begin to move forward in life. You take stock of yourself and in doing so, you may realize she actually did you a favor because now you have an opportunity to choose a new life. And instead of having blind faith and trust in someone new, you've got these experiences that have tempered you and made you stronger. You can live now with your eyes wide open and ask the right questions and if you get the wrong answers you can trust YOURSELF to know that if it isn't right, then don't pursue it.

One of the greatest gifts is having enough life experience to know that you don't have to try to fit a square peg into a round hole any more. Nothing has to be forced any more. You're gonna be 53 whether its alone and angry or with a little bit of trust in yourself that you can use your wisdom to contain something besides mistrust and anger for the rest of your days.

Time is a friend, and an enemy. It's a friend when you've got lots of it on your hands and you can use it to allow your heart to heal. To pave the way to loving yourself enough to be able to love someone else eventually. It's an enemy when you make demands on your heart. Telling it that it's not getting you where you want it to go fast enough. That is how we end up rushing into things that are just wrong for us.

And so often, we confuse infatuation with true love. One or the other of us, or both. That's a malady of immaturity; that 13-year old crush we get. But we're not kids any more. That feeling may be what starts us up but can it get us through the long haul? That's where the work comes in. But before we're ready for crushes or anything serious, we have to grieve and heal.

I've been doing that for several months and now I'm taking some steps --well i took a giant step forward and then had to take a little step back and say, "you know, i'm not ready for a commitment." and that's okay. it is with her too. I've learned when I need to establish a boundary for myself and if the other person is not willing to respect that, then it's good to learn that right from the start. I have to value their boundaries in kind. I will never again compromise on my values, and boundaries are one of my most valued gifts that i give to myself and to others. If they don't want it, then they don't want me.

Guess in a long-winded way, I'm saying learn what your values are, and the ones you gained from your experience (no matter how shitty it was) may end up being some of the highest values you'll possess. That is a gift. She's never going to hand you a medal. You get that from inside yourself. It's your purple heart, earned the hard way -- that gift is yours. And it is enfolded in the petals of a long-stemmed red rose. That is what you will give to another, someday. That is, if you choose. Some may choose a solitary existence for the rest of their lives but going down a bitter and angry road will not bring any peace. Be at peace, at least, with yourself.

/end sermon

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ol' Jet
I am so sorry you experienced this, Stoney. I don't know what causes some people to flip the switch like this. I will never get it after building up a trust, and thinking there is a very clear understanding about sexual-orientation and IDs. For me, the blow was that someone I loved, and who I never thought would stoop so low, did very much the same thing as we were breaking up. In that moment, it was as though I didn't even know her. Even though I went through this, it hasn't changed who i am. What has changed now is my complete lack of trust in getting involved. I will never—and i mean never—put trust in anyone again. The prospect of going it alone at 53, is not fun. But it is what it is.
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Originally Posted by Stoney

Thanks for your comment and kind words on my post. I had a feeling you would get where I was coming from.
I am not sorry though that that happened, dont get me wrong, It f*cked with me for a while, but there were other factors in that relationship that really made me step back and say WTF am I doing here ?? why do I keep playing these games with people , I mean I knew she was playing it and I still didnt stop its like two people in a room looking at a huge purple girrafe but no one ever says anything they just keep acting , acting like they think everything is normal, just part of the script or something....


well The biggest reason I am glad that all that happened because it made me look at who I was compared to who I thought I was expected to be, The entire relationship basically was one lie after another, her lying to me and me lying to myself. Before finding a butch femme site I really didnt know there were " specific" types of butches, actually I didnt even know much about the whole B-F dynamic, cause most of the Gay folks I know arent really definable, I called em granola dykes, sporty dykes, kiki's tweeners, and they didnt have a clue, I mean I have alot of gay friends but virtually no self defined " butch - Femme" couples. jus' me... and that makes me weird, (just a little) around other couples. My friends when the rare ocassion arises they skirt around actually using the word. But when they do, it is always with an apology , like it is an insultlike " damn look at that , geez she is realllllllly butch and then look at me and say "no offense"?????????!!!......and its never like damn she's hot its more like ewwwwww, ya know what I mean?

Right before I got in that relationship I realized I wasnt
as weird as I thought , that other butches were like me , those who didnt want the same things reciprocated during love making. I remember reading about other butches who didnt want to take off all their clothes, who didnt want sex in the same way they gave it. I realized I was " stone".

That day changed my life, and so did the day she said those things to me, it took a little time and finally I realized that I was Trying to squeeze my self into a generic Butch definition and act in a way that I felt would reflect who I was.

I understand trust issues Ol' jet, yes I definately do,
but I honestly can say now I am no longer afraid to get involved, or "fall" in love anymore. I will not allow myself to be powerless over my heart, I have learned that I can make the decision within myself to love , or trust, or not.

I dont trust others to care for my heart, I dont trust them to make my life more meaningful, I dont trust the promises of Ill love you forever no matter what "(( NO MATTER WHAT???? )))) ( come on) I dont trust them to tell me what kind of person I need to be to keep ( or nurture) their feelings for me... actually I barely think about people Im with breaking my heart or cheating etc......or leaving me. I dont like liars, but......

Im glad that situation and others involving my heart and feelings have taken place because now..... I truly am free to be who I am , decide who I love , experience my bliss.

Not because I can trust others; because now... after all these years, I finally trust myself.

Create the life you want Ol' jet, we all play the game , act the part or whatever , but once we all realize we have the ability to pick and choose the characters or players, it is pretty darn hard game to lose. If you dont want to be alone, dont be, I mean, take that step, not with a huge futuristic plan in mind, not to look for a forever person, look for someone to share the day with maybe even decide to love em for a day..., then maybe the next and then maybe the next. one day at a time, you can love some one for a minute...not all love has to last forever .. (who the hell would want it to really?) someone who relies on another for their happiness......thats who.

Dont trust your heart with anyone but yourself.They have to worry 'bout their own, yours will always come in second. But love them the way you want to, for as short or as long as you want to.I never just " fall in love anymore..." I "step" into it stand with both eyes wide open, enjoy as much as I can for as long as I can . when its not fun anymore.....I can walk away.It is a good feeling to know you are the one in charge of your own happiness.

Much peace to you, Stoney