How do you communicate when you're angry?

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Sue

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue

I think we all have at least one or two successful parts of our lives to focus on, when a bad relationship or some situation with a lot of destructive anger is threatening our state of mind.

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded. When I'm spiraling into depression because of anger I either can't express or feel (wrongly, of course), that I can't escape, I go back to my writing, and put myself in places where it will be validated, which makes ME feel validated.

So no, I guess I've never been in the situation you describe of not being able to find a healthy place in which to find validation, when stuck in an unhealthy dynamic of some sort. At least not in the last several years. In fact I literally write my way out of most crises.

[~ocean]

there so many ways and situations we can become angry in ..in work or a buisness situation i become very porfessional and articulate every word, at home w/ family i sat what i have to say and walk away .. w. my grandson i talk to him .. w. a lover . i get a bit fresh then I refrain .. till i'm not mad anymore.

[Girl_On_Fire]

My reaction to anger depends on the situation. I can get hurt very easily. I also have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal instructions and certain social cues so I get confused and frustrated a lot. This can make communication difficult. I'm definitely a screamer if I get triggered so if I really want to help resolve an issue, I need to write down how I feel and communicate via letter or nothing I say will make sense and I won't understand anything the other person is saying either.

[imperfect_cupcake]

irritation, etc I keep my calm. Actual anger? I get defensive, upset, and more than likely cry. I don't do anger well. It's not something I experience much and never for long. but when I do feel pushed into anger, it's usually from feeling cornered, misunderstood and ignored. then I freak out usually by speaking very loudly and crying. I panic.

If it's really bad anger I go absolutely quiet.

If my brain explodes into a rage I either shriek at them incomprehensively or I turn and leave.

It really depends on who is making me angry though. My detached wife gets the defensive snot tone... then the icy silence... then the crying... then I lose it and start shrieking. She's finally learning to leave me alone at the icy silence stage, five years on...

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded.

OMG I sound so pompous LOL I'm really not.

Wow, I was in such a bad place when I wrote that post. I've moved since then, gotten out of a situation that was destroying me. I really was fighting for my self esteem and sense of value and hope back then. Now I realize it was there all along.

[imperfect_cupcake]

There is one person that can actually yell at me, while angry, upset me to the point of crying yet still some how eventually make me laugh while she is yelling.

OHMYGODBARB SHUT.UP.!!!! NO! SHUT.IT!... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME AND IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK I WILL PUSH MY FIST UP YOUR ARSE!!!! (Previously getting wobbly lipped as soon as she says "I will push my fist up your arse", I know she's frustrated rather than freak out angry and I calm down and sometimes even smile)

When I yell back OHMYGOD YOU ARE FUCKING IRRITATING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO YELL AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A FOUR YEAR OLD AND YOU WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME BUT IF I ACT RESPECTFUL YOU TURN INTO A COMPLETE DICKHEAD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she: whatevvvvverrrrrrrrrr

me: stop that. I fucking hate that word. You say that one more time -

she: whateverrrrrrrrrrrrr!

me: (hey name in explatives)!!!!! STOP IT!!!!

she: whaaaat.ever.

and suddenly I'm smirking and calling her a shithead and giggling. Anyone else I'd go mental. Sometimes I really do see a trickster god prancing about in hooves teaching me a lesson about my own tolerances. And for some reason, I always feel really greatful for that, even when I want to throw her off a bridge.

[Kätzchen]

I can relate to the idea of HoneyBarbara's - the one about throwing someone off a bridge! When I was younger, 20's to late thirties, I seemed to be more on the reactionary side in an argument; whether the argument was with someone like a stranger or someone I knew but didn't know really well to people I'd be in an argument with - like someone in my family.

I got so angry with a persistent condition in my own family that my anger led me to stop talking to all of them for a rather long period of time - like ten years or better.

I'd have to say that lately, like over the past ten years or so, the way I handle my own anger or my own behavior when involved in an argument, mostly has been shaped by obtaining a formal education and learning to harness my own actions or reactions or inactions in a less agressive kind of way. And it didn't happen overnight but rather it took the better part of the last ten years to figure out how to leash my own anger and try to not be so reactive. I am not totally healed of my former abilities - I doubt I ever will be...

But, I guess the way I handle being angry now is primarily managed by a 'booby-trap' system of my own making in that I know what my triggers are, what causes me to be angry and what I do, which has taken me quite a bit of time and practice to nail it down, is to go into quite commando trance (for lack of a better way to describe it) and sit quietly as possible or even take myself out of the whole scenario and ask myself some really intense questions and map out a way to be as sweetly and unpredictably as disarming as possible, when solving why I am so angry.