PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Gemme]

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Everything changes from that moment on and you have to work exceptionally hard to not only get back to where you were (as best as possible, anyway), but you've new obstacles to overcome. You have to find a way to gain the strength to give yourself life and to remain present in it.

[Princess4u]

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

I dont know if this will help, but one of my dearest friends, who is a psychologist, said we have to feel the feelings when a memory arises. You can't be afraid to feel; fear of feeling or reliving keeps us imprisoned. My goal has been to move through the feelings and the memories. It's very difficult, but try not to be afraid to feel the event.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Princess4U.

I believe you have to figure it out internally. You have to find that place of inner peace. It is a coping mechanism. Let me give you an example, every now and then I have to come in contact with my bio-father. Now remember he has a razor sharp tongue that will cut anyone down in size in a second. He finds joy in that. I am just to the point that I try with all my might to ignore him. I pity him. He has nothing really. He has no friends. The only family he has is the one he bought with a new home, cars, etc. And he throws that in my face whenever he lays eyes on me. I guess it makes him feel better for being such an ass. So when he starts using the derrogatory name calling, and berrating me head to toe, I put my hand up like a stop sign, and I leave. There is only so much I can take. When I get the phone calls of why don't you call, I tell him and my mother that I am always insulted and offended when I come by. Why should I drive three hours to be offended and insulted? I just need one reason other than my mother. It is so not worth it.

Gemme's quote by Dr. Boyce Watkins is so relevent to us. I think when folks are verbally abused like we have been, it hits home. I am not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel like everyone is playing the big homecoming football game, and I am the waterboy on the sidelines. I am always on the sidelines. Always. So, I get what you are saying.

ox,
Andrew

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Muddy Waters can always bring a happy haze over my brain if the panic attack isn't too severe. It will Block out whatever thoughts are there and bring me back down heart rate and breathing too. I dont really hear the lyrics as words or think of the blues as depressing. It is something beyond that, it's my association with it and how his music is so tied to a Huge positive thing to me personally.

There are other artists and other genres that can do the same thing for me, so it's not just "the blues" making me feel happy in general as is usual. I think music therapy is a miracle all by itself. Finding the songs that work for you is the hardest part. Association was what I think helped me, I associate certain songs with memories or moods. Then Make the mixed cd's and keep them around to try, dont expect it to work every time... just throw it in there with the other things you already do to combat the ptsd symptoms you have.

Music has gotten Me through some of the toughest of times, and I find that it helps to calm Me down when nothing else can. I can turn on the music, plug in My ear phones to turn it up as loud as I want, and just enjoy. I don't have mixed CD's but I thank goodness that I have YouTube, cuz I can find all of My current and most of My old fave songs and that helps combat being in a bad mood or feeling down

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do.

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

(((((((((((Drew)))))))))))

Wow man, you've gone through alot over the last say two months. I remember back when My dad had a heart attack, and how much pressure it put on Me as well as My mom to take care of him once he got home (not to mention dealing with caring for My autistic sister). The thing that made it hard on us with him is that he was always demanding things to be done for him, expecting us to do things for him because of his "heart problem". He had been through alot no doubt, but he milked it for all it was worth and that put a huge strain on us because we had to deal with that day in and day out.

I'm glad that he is going to be okay, and that your helping to take care of him while he recovers. I really do hope that things improve for you, and that you get to feeling emotionally better very soon ........ I know it's been alot for you to deal with, but I know that ultimately you will come out of this strong and capable of facing anything you have to

Originally Posted by Princess4u

Dear A,
I am sorry to hear your family has been under such stress. I hope your dad is healing well. Caridac surgery can be a long recovery depending upon the health and ability of the person. The stress it can bring to the caregiver is seemingly limitless. You want to let your dad do what he can within his limitations set by the doctor. Dont "baby" him, as some pple tend to do, and some men tend to allow their family to do for them. When in reality it lengthens the rehab time. Take a deep breath, just breath, do something good for you too. If its a walk alone or reading a book, going to the movies w friends, just something. If you have any questions please feel free to email me anytime, my speciality is post cardiac surgery. Take care my dear.....and take care of you!!!

The stress can seriously weigh down on others, and can take away time from the caregiver because they have to give it all to the patient. Its a big deal and can take alot out of all parties involved, but thats what you do when something happens to someone you love ~ you help out as best as you can

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

Always good to see you Jet, and I hope that things with you will be well as time goes on ~ your an inspiration to Me, for working just to get past all that you've been through and still being true to yourself

Originally Posted by Gemme

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Wow Gemme, I'm amazed at how much that one quote hits home hard for Me. I could sit here for hours talking about how much that quote describes My entire life, but I wouldn't wanna get into all that. Thank you for sharing that with us hun, I will have to write this one down!!!!

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I believe you have to figure it out internally. You have to find that place of inner peace. It is a coping mechanism. Let me give you an example, every now and then I have to come in contact with my bio-father. Now remember he has a razor sharp tongue that will cut anyone down in size in a second. He finds joy in that. I am just to the point that I try with all my might to ignore him. I pity him. He has nothing really. He has no friends. The only family he has is the one he bought with a new home, cars, etc. And he throws that in my face whenever he lays eyes on me. I guess it makes him feel better for being such an ass. So when he starts using the derrogatory name calling, and berrating me head to toe, I put my hand up like a stop sign, and I leave. There is only so much I can take. When I get the phone calls of why don't you call, I tell him and my mother that I am always insulted and offended when I come by. Why should I drive three hours to be offended and insulted? I just need one reason other than my mother. It is so not worth it.

Gemme's quote by Dr. Boyce Watkins is so relevent to us. I think when folks are verbally abused like we have been, it hits home. I am not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel like everyone is playing the big homecoming football game, and I am the waterboy on the sidelines. I am always on the sidelines. Always. So, I get what you are saying.

ox,
Andrew

Andrew,

Sometimes I wonder if we were brothers meant to meet after being separated before birth (hell, even before conception). I can't eve begin to say how much, in many ways, your life mimicks Mine and how things with My father are this exact same way. My whole problem right now is that I live at home with him, so there is no getting away from his condescending attitude and accusatory glances. He has no problem with telling Me whats wrong with Me, or what I don't do and how I'm a lazy ass and won't amount to anything worthwhile. My father will also throw into My face anything that he can, even if its nothing at all if its something that cane make him feel like a big man he will not hesitate to open his lips and start flapping them.

All of the years that he has spent abusing Me emotionally and verbally, I have lost so much of My life because of feeling worthless and not good enough for anyone or anything. I haven't been able to keep a job or a decent relationship for very long, I dropped out of school before finishing (but I did get My GED in 2006), I don't have a degree or any post secondary schooling, I still live at home because I have a problem being alone etc. There are so many things that his abuse has screwed up, so many times that I've wondered if I'll ever be able to have a life and separate Myself from the picture of Myself that he's painted of Me thats so engrained into My head its like thats who I am.

I'm not used to opening up like this at all, not to anyone be it online or in person so while I'm not used to being this honest with people I think its good to get things off of My chest. I'm glad that I have a space where I can come and be with others like Me, where I can be an open book and not be judged ~ I have a little family here, and I love it

[Andrew, Jr.]

Braedon,

It is an honor and priviledge to be your brother. It doesn't matter if we are blood brothers or not. We ARE brothers.

Love ya man,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day!

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day!

Hugs...Hugs...Hugs
Getting through the pain ain't pretty....but it is pretty great. Keep your optimism... You're on the right track ... You're exactly right you are a survivor and you just need to shake the pain. I don't think you ever forget, but for me it more like just a memory without the emotional (at least for the most part)... evry once in a while it creeps back but it stays for shorter times now... Blessing to you on your journey.