PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Jet]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band.

I'm a music collector, I have 80 years of music, Big band, swing and jazz being most of it. Music is everything. And much of the time, has got me through many hours.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Good morning fellow PTSDers.




I am on meds now and they do make me even more overweight than I used to be, but I have reached a certain peace with that. So damn what? I am fat. My father and grandmother would always tell me I was "bigger than a barn" or to not wear red cause I "looked like a barn", all for my own good of course...not sure what the barn fixation was about either?

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.

The nice messages in this post are bigger than a barn...and that's a pretty big deal... *tippin' my hat as always*

[Jason]

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Jason

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

And then there are the exaggerated or increased startle responses.... ARGH, never know if I am going to scare innocent people!!! Yes, soft ....

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

And then there are the exaggerated or increased startle responses.... ARGH, never know if I am going to scare innocent people!!! Yes, soft ....

OMG yes...i used to have friends who thought it was funny to see me jump when the phone rang or someone knocked on the door..or they would pretend to hit me....and watch me jump and raise my arms to defend myself..it was a big game to them...but to me it was normal...it was all i knew. I thought that everyone had that reaction to noises or fast reactions. Then when i was in the psychologists office getting tested for learning disorders...his phone rang and he noticed my reaction...that is when i was diagnosed w PTSD. That was over 20 years ago, and nothing has changed...well except i dont have those same friends anymore...

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Hi Everyone!

Just thought I'd stop in real quick before I go to bed, and say hello...I have been running around all day, praise God! The pneumonia doesn't know what hit it! lol...It's been downgraded to acute bronchitis but it might as well go on now, cuz I got too many things to do this weekend!

Also, I spent the day running errands with my daughters, reconnected with an old friend, shopped and shopped some more...had dinner with the hunny and the kids...(kids, 23 and 17)...my girlie chihuahua is in heat, my daughter's miniature pinscher is also a girlie and also in heat...(Oh Lord) we have these poor lil girls taking turns humping each other and trying to do something and not really knowing what...lol...I figured I would share this with you all, since well, it's kinda funny haha and funny strange at the same time...and I'm mortified one moment and laughing and screaming the next...lol...just thought I'd get ya to laugh with me...oh my goodness...lol...

That's most of my day...will be back soon....sorry for the derail...

Love and many blessings to all!

Shug

Thanks for the funny moment Shug lol

I remember an ex of Mine from like 6 yrs back had a little dog named Bear, and when he was in heat he would get on top of his rolled up brown blanket and hump he hell out of it lol it was disturbing sometimes but others it as funny as hell

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

I'm a music collector, I have 80 years of music, Big band, swing and jazz being most of it. Music is everything. And much of the time, has got me through many hours.

With limited funds right now, I'm not able to expand My music collection as much as I would like to but I'm glad there are sites out there like YouTube where I can find old videos and favorite songs from the past

I also have used music to get Me through some of the harder times in My life, and its done wonders for Me ........ thank goodness for music

Originally Posted by Jason

Thanks for posting this. It caught my attention right away. I know a lot about PTSD...not bragging that is for sure because I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think it is highly misunderstood and possibly not treated properly. It often leaves the people that suffer with PTSD symptoms feeling isolated and alone because of the lack of understanding....just think of the people returning home from war...vietnam. There are a lot of different ways a person can experience trauma, but the symptoms of PTSD are all the same...the flashbacks and visualizations that occur are just of whatever experiences each individual had that caused the severe trauma.

Good post Jason, thanks for including it

[Dragonfly]

Muddy Waters can always bring a happy haze over my brain if the panic attack isn't too severe. It will Block out whatever thoughts are there and bring me back down heart rate and breathing too. I dont really hear the lyrics as words or think of the blues as depressing. It is something beyond that, it's my association with it and how his music is so tied to a Huge positive thing to me personally.

There are other artists and other genres that can do the same thing for me, so it's not just "the blues" making me feel happy in general as is usual. I think music therapy is a miracle all by itself. Finding the songs that work for you is the hardest part. Association was what I think helped me, I associate certain songs with memories or moods. Then Make the mixed cd's and keep them around to try, dont expect it to work every time... just throw it in there with the other things you already do to combat the ptsd symptoms you have.

I just rented yoga dvd's that are for beginners (or "out of shape") to use without doing the complete yoga thing. Relaxation techniques and breathing and stretches that reduce stress depression and related issues. One of them is candlelight yoga, cant wait to try em out. I got them under the guise of "for" my daughter since she is yoga newbie totally and uninterested since birth lol. But I confess I am really excited to participate in yoga structured exercises geared to help with both of our ptsd, not just as an exercise geared for fitness, and doing it together is another bonus. Just passin on the ideas...

[atomiczombie]

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do.

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

[Princess4u]

Dear A,
I am sorry to hear your family has been under such stress. I hope your dad is healing well. Caridac surgery can be a long recovery depending upon the health and ability of the person. The stress it can bring to the caregiver is seemingly limitless. You want to let your dad do what he can within his limitations set by the doctor. Dont "baby" him, as some pple tend to do, and some men tend to allow their family to do for them. When in reality it lengthens the rehab time. Take a deep breath, just breath, do something good for you too. If its a walk alone or reading a book, going to the movies w friends, just something. If you have any questions please feel free to email me anytime, my speciality is post cardiac surgery. Take care my dear.....and take care of you!!!

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do.

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

[Jet]

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

No one is ever the same after confronting their PTSD, at least that is what I think and feel, but perhaps we become a better person, more compassionate, more loving, more helpful to others in distress. I think become more humble and willing to accept things that we once shunned away from ourselves. Perhaps seeing the beauty beyond the outter shell of ppl and things. Admiring the beauty GOD has granted us with each and everyday. With each new season, a thunderstorm. Because we realize how fragile life can be, we realize how precious ppl can be and that the truest of blessings are the most simplest of things inside of ourselves and around us. We may never know that person we once were, but imagine the person you can become once you are complete and whole again. Dream big and lift yourself out of the darkness to become the man you want to be!

[Gemme]

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Everything changes from that moment on and you have to work exceptionally hard to not only get back to where you were (as best as possible, anyway), but you've new obstacles to overcome. You have to find a way to gain the strength to give yourself life and to remain present in it.

[Princess4u]

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

I dont know if this will help, but one of my dearest friends, who is a psychologist, said we have to feel the feelings when a memory arises. You can't be afraid to feel; fear of feeling or reliving keeps us imprisoned. My goal has been to move through the feelings and the memories. It's very difficult, but try not to be afraid to feel the event.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Princess4U.

I believe you have to figure it out internally. You have to find that place of inner peace. It is a coping mechanism. Let me give you an example, every now and then I have to come in contact with my bio-father. Now remember he has a razor sharp tongue that will cut anyone down in size in a second. He finds joy in that. I am just to the point that I try with all my might to ignore him. I pity him. He has nothing really. He has no friends. The only family he has is the one he bought with a new home, cars, etc. And he throws that in my face whenever he lays eyes on me. I guess it makes him feel better for being such an ass. So when he starts using the derrogatory name calling, and berrating me head to toe, I put my hand up like a stop sign, and I leave. There is only so much I can take. When I get the phone calls of why don't you call, I tell him and my mother that I am always insulted and offended when I come by. Why should I drive three hours to be offended and insulted? I just need one reason other than my mother. It is so not worth it.

Gemme's quote by Dr. Boyce Watkins is so relevent to us. I think when folks are verbally abused like we have been, it hits home. I am not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel like everyone is playing the big homecoming football game, and I am the waterboy on the sidelines. I am always on the sidelines. Always. So, I get what you are saying.

ox,
Andrew

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Muddy Waters can always bring a happy haze over my brain if the panic attack isn't too severe. It will Block out whatever thoughts are there and bring me back down heart rate and breathing too. I dont really hear the lyrics as words or think of the blues as depressing. It is something beyond that, it's my association with it and how his music is so tied to a Huge positive thing to me personally.

There are other artists and other genres that can do the same thing for me, so it's not just "the blues" making me feel happy in general as is usual. I think music therapy is a miracle all by itself. Finding the songs that work for you is the hardest part. Association was what I think helped me, I associate certain songs with memories or moods. Then Make the mixed cd's and keep them around to try, dont expect it to work every time... just throw it in there with the other things you already do to combat the ptsd symptoms you have.

Music has gotten Me through some of the toughest of times, and I find that it helps to calm Me down when nothing else can. I can turn on the music, plug in My ear phones to turn it up as loud as I want, and just enjoy. I don't have mixed CD's but I thank goodness that I have YouTube, cuz I can find all of My current and most of My old fave songs and that helps combat being in a bad mood or feeling down

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Quick update on me:

My Dad started having heart trouble in the beginning of January and was in the hospital for a week. He was short of breath and weak. His heart was in atrial fibrolation (or however it is spelled lol). At that time the cardiologist told him he needed a new aortic valve. He had aortic stenosis, where the valve doesn't open wide enough to let all the blood flow like it should, and he got congestive heart failure as a result.

On Feb 9th he went in to have the open heart surgery. They replaced his valve with a cow valve (moooo). He had some complications after his surgery and was in the ICU for 10 days (bleeding out, tachycardia, etc). He finally was able to go home after 12 days in the hospital. We were told before the surgery that he would be in the hospital for 5-7 days, so it was very stressful when he didn't get to leave until quite a bit later.

Since he has been home, I have been his main caregiver during the days while my mom works. I feed him and help him walk and make sure he takes his medicines, things like that. He had some lingering complications at home, which are now getting ironed out, thankfully. He is going to be ok.

All of this put a lot of stress on me and I slipped back into having panic attacks, stuttering and stammering, tics, etc. When I get like that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. That is why I haven't been posting for a while. Everything was overwhelming, worrying about my dad and all, so I shut everyone out like I usually do.

I am wishing you all well and glad we have this space to come together and talk about our struggles and victories. Hang in there everyone, and thanks for the support.

Drew

(((((((((((Drew)))))))))))

Wow man, you've gone through alot over the last say two months. I remember back when My dad had a heart attack, and how much pressure it put on Me as well as My mom to take care of him once he got home (not to mention dealing with caring for My autistic sister). The thing that made it hard on us with him is that he was always demanding things to be done for him, expecting us to do things for him because of his "heart problem". He had been through alot no doubt, but he milked it for all it was worth and that put a huge strain on us because we had to deal with that day in and day out.

I'm glad that he is going to be okay, and that your helping to take care of him while he recovers. I really do hope that things improve for you, and that you get to feeling emotionally better very soon ........ I know it's been alot for you to deal with, but I know that ultimately you will come out of this strong and capable of facing anything you have to

Originally Posted by Princess4u

Dear A,
I am sorry to hear your family has been under such stress. I hope your dad is healing well. Caridac surgery can be a long recovery depending upon the health and ability of the person. The stress it can bring to the caregiver is seemingly limitless. You want to let your dad do what he can within his limitations set by the doctor. Dont "baby" him, as some pple tend to do, and some men tend to allow their family to do for them. When in reality it lengthens the rehab time. Take a deep breath, just breath, do something good for you too. If its a walk alone or reading a book, going to the movies w friends, just something. If you have any questions please feel free to email me anytime, my speciality is post cardiac surgery. Take care my dear.....and take care of you!!!

The stress can seriously weigh down on others, and can take away time from the caregiver because they have to give it all to the patient. Its a big deal and can take alot out of all parties involved, but thats what you do when something happens to someone you love ~ you help out as best as you can

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

Always good to see you Jet, and I hope that things with you will be well as time goes on ~ your an inspiration to Me, for working just to get past all that you've been through and still being true to yourself

Originally Posted by Gemme

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Wow Gemme, I'm amazed at how much that one quote hits home hard for Me. I could sit here for hours talking about how much that quote describes My entire life, but I wouldn't wanna get into all that. Thank you for sharing that with us hun, I will have to write this one down!!!!

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I believe you have to figure it out internally. You have to find that place of inner peace. It is a coping mechanism. Let me give you an example, every now and then I have to come in contact with my bio-father. Now remember he has a razor sharp tongue that will cut anyone down in size in a second. He finds joy in that. I am just to the point that I try with all my might to ignore him. I pity him. He has nothing really. He has no friends. The only family he has is the one he bought with a new home, cars, etc. And he throws that in my face whenever he lays eyes on me. I guess it makes him feel better for being such an ass. So when he starts using the derrogatory name calling, and berrating me head to toe, I put my hand up like a stop sign, and I leave. There is only so much I can take. When I get the phone calls of why don't you call, I tell him and my mother that I am always insulted and offended when I come by. Why should I drive three hours to be offended and insulted? I just need one reason other than my mother. It is so not worth it.

Gemme's quote by Dr. Boyce Watkins is so relevent to us. I think when folks are verbally abused like we have been, it hits home. I am not sure of anyone else, but there are times when I feel like everyone is playing the big homecoming football game, and I am the waterboy on the sidelines. I am always on the sidelines. Always. So, I get what you are saying.

ox,
Andrew

Andrew,

Sometimes I wonder if we were brothers meant to meet after being separated before birth (hell, even before conception). I can't eve begin to say how much, in many ways, your life mimicks Mine and how things with My father are this exact same way. My whole problem right now is that I live at home with him, so there is no getting away from his condescending attitude and accusatory glances. He has no problem with telling Me whats wrong with Me, or what I don't do and how I'm a lazy ass and won't amount to anything worthwhile. My father will also throw into My face anything that he can, even if its nothing at all if its something that cane make him feel like a big man he will not hesitate to open his lips and start flapping them.

All of the years that he has spent abusing Me emotionally and verbally, I have lost so much of My life because of feeling worthless and not good enough for anyone or anything. I haven't been able to keep a job or a decent relationship for very long, I dropped out of school before finishing (but I did get My GED in 2006), I don't have a degree or any post secondary schooling, I still live at home because I have a problem being alone etc. There are so many things that his abuse has screwed up, so many times that I've wondered if I'll ever be able to have a life and separate Myself from the picture of Myself that he's painted of Me thats so engrained into My head its like thats who I am.

I'm not used to opening up like this at all, not to anyone be it online or in person so while I'm not used to being this honest with people I think its good to get things off of My chest. I'm glad that I have a space where I can come and be with others like Me, where I can be an open book and not be judged ~ I have a little family here, and I love it

[Andrew, Jr.]

Braedon,

It is an honor and priviledge to be your brother. It doesn't matter if we are blood brothers or not. We ARE brothers.

Love ya man,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day!

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...

It is a big move. I totally relate to where you're coming from. I had to let my family catch up with where I was coming from. IT took many years. But my motivation was definitely to break he cycle for my kids and nieces and nephews. I can see that healing in their children. So even though I still ride the waves of dysfunction I feel like I was able to do some good for my family. Blessings to you.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I hope everyone had a good weekend!


My therapist also says you have to allow yourself to have the memories, pain and anger and process them and see where they take you.

I have shut away so many memories over the years and am having to deal with them now. In a way, it's good beacsue I know I survived what all happened, but it would be nice to be well and not have all this hellish pain to process.

Bottom line is we are alive and today is a new day!

Hugs...Hugs...Hugs
Getting through the pain ain't pretty....but it is pretty great. Keep your optimism... You're on the right track ... You're exactly right you are a survivor and you just need to shake the pain. I don't think you ever forget, but for me it more like just a memory without the emotional (at least for the most part)... evry once in a while it creeps back but it stays for shorter times now... Blessing to you on your journey.