Long Distance Relationships

[Heavenleahangel]

I think, like some others on this thread, LDR's are do-able to a certain extint. If two people are interested in each other and want to commit in the beginning to give it a go, then there has to be an understanding that when the time comes, one or the other is ready, willing and able to relocate.
Of course communication and honesty are both key factors in the early stages of getting to know each other. I *thought* I knew someone before from our communication and they truly fooled me during our visits, but like my mama always said, "You can't hide crazy long!" and unfortunately I found out too late that they were not being honest and I had indeed been fooled.
I am still not against another LDR and I know I am fortunate to be in the position to relocate should Jacob and I be blessed to find someone and desire to be a family. Not everyone can do this.

[GraffitiBoi]

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

I agree with a lot of what you said but I do have to disagree that "it's not possible end of story". I think it all depends on the individual and how they view relationships and love. My reply is based only on what works for me and I am in no way speaking for anyone else, or saying that you are wrong. I am only saying that I disagree.

I tend to avoid falling in love and do not long to fall in love. That being said, for ME to fall in love there needs to be an intellectual connection and spiritual connection that exists outside of the physical. This has a lot to do with my past and my life experiences. I do admit that I am a bit on the unconventional side when it comes to love and relationships.

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did. Granted, I was already in the relationship before I took the job, but having the forced online relationship actually brought us closer together. Since we couldn't be physically close we spent a lot of time talking about our hopes, dreams, fears, etc. It made for a much deeper connection than we were able to get being physically close (not referring to sex) during the previous 3 years. Like I said above, I need that intellectual and spiritual connection. If I do not fall in love with your mind and personality I will not fall in love with you. Physical proximity and closeness are needed, yes. But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

I do agree that physically meeting someone has a lot of value and merit and I know what you mean about looking into someone's eyes. But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person. But again, let me reiterate that I am speaking for myself only and I know not everyone feels the same.

I do thank you for your views and I look forward to hearing others' views as well. And I welcome any dissenting opinions to my own. Disagreeing and discussing it is how we learn and grow.

[Sachita]

Everyone has their own definition of what real love is. My idea of relationship is different from someone else. We all require something different. But I do believe in order for a relationship to fully mature you must be in the same space. You can build, learn and nurture long distance.

That one episode of Catfish where she had been doing it for 10 years was sad and ridiculous. Personally if someone can't see me within 3 months then they aren't trying hard enough. I'm just not going to invest a year of my life hoping something comes of it. I know that some people have declined dating me because I could not ever consider relocating- I have the farm, my business and my granddaughter. But the right circumstances could present and the reality is I could. I could move my business and hopefully relocate my family. Tho this is pretty unlikely.

But if we met and spent time together and all the magic is there then you make things happen.

[Ginger]

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

I could easily do this type of LDR. I'm so busy during the week anyhow. I'm dating now and they visit me 3 days a month and longer on holidays. This is because of distance and work. Its 8 hours. If it was only a few hours I'd want to see them every weekend.

[Metro]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night.

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own.

[GPS]

i think that LDR work if both parties are involved at the same level. Trust, commitment, friendship. Rare findings in a small little package.

i believe that if you work hard, play nice and enjoy the scenery together that it will all work it self out.

there are times when eye contact is immediate, but on an all in all basis keep your trust level high.

set your goals evenly and love genuinely.

[*Anya*]

My girlfriend lives about 18 miles from me.

It takes about 20-25 minutes to her house (or her to mine).

In the greater LA area, that's what we call living around the block.

I like it.

[kittygrrl]

I'm afraid all advice is such things will not be heard or forgotten, the heart demands all our attention in such matters

[SleepyButch]

There is no right or wrong way... what works for someone else may or may not work for me. All I know is what I have gone through in the past and how I feel about LDRs. I would never force my opinions on anyone else and I would hope they would not do that to me.

I have fallen for someone before we even met.. the physical part of it.. seeing if we connect in person.. are attracted to each other physically.. have great sex.. etc.. adds to that. I don't deny that I need to know if I connect in person but that does not negate any feelings I may have had before that point. Sometimes it works out.. and sometimes it doesn't.

It is true that many people lie about who they are, what they look like or what they do. That is the unfortunate part about starting online. I think if you pay attention at all, you can see that those things don't add up before you let your feelings get into it... although I know that a lot get hurt because of this very thing. I've had my share of experiences so I guess maybe if someone was new to this "game" they may not realize they are being tricked.

And... If I fall for someone.. I will support them whether or not they are having stress with bills, the queen of england, or work in a circus. Relationships are about give and take. I am not going to stop having feelings for someone because they have stress in their life. I would want them to be supportive of me in the same situations.

Also.. I could meet someone online who looks like a super model in person. We may have great sex but if she can't keep my attention in conversation or make me laugh.. really what good is all that other stuff for long term? That's where the learning about someone through talking whether it be on the phone or skype or email or what have you.. comes in handy.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did.

Easily confused or playing semantics I'm not sure which.

However, by real life, I mean experienced some time together in close physical proximity (that doesn't mean sex, just in case you are confused again).

A working relationship is vastly different to an emotional, one-on-one relationship. Your question surely wasn't about maintaining communication? Rather, it was about falling in love. Those attributes are vastly different to functional workplace communication.

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

So can I i.e. I loved my young nephew from the day he was born and I first saw his photo, even if I didn't meet him for some months. However, that's not falling in live.

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person.

That's fine and I agree with this. However, I equally maintain that no one can fall in love, at least not in a healthy manner, with someone they haven't met.

Might be a strong crush or an obsession but I don't see it as love.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

i wholeheartedly agree with this. i did the long distance thing before Katrina but there was no way i could have made any sort of commitment until we met. We dated for a long while before the storm and i was displaced. No amount of long distance dating could have prepared me for who she really was. Too much can be hidden over the limited access that is LDR.

i believe it's way too easy for people to just omit the hard stuff while online and all you are left with is honeymoon visits and limited access, which is not real life, IMO

[starryeyes]

I don't mix well with LDR. I need to be with the person I am seeing, go out on dates, watch movies together, snuggle together, etc. I have had one LDR in the past, and knowing this about myself, I realize in retrospect it wasn't fair to the person who was ok with it. I learned alot about myself from this experience.

I live with my partner, now so no issues there. We only lived a few hours apart when we met, so it wasn't too bad. But, we Uhauled (not really, we rented a huge SUV, lol) after being together for about a year, and it's been happily ever after. We even bought a puppy together! Haha

[grenade]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by grenade

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

[gotoseagrl]

tough subject. i could go on forever about this. i learned the hardest way that i can't spend years only talking about the "whens" and "ifs" without anything really happening. the only way i could do it again and last is if there would be real goals and happenings that come true soon enough, even if they were just short visits, instead of just words and talking empty promises. the bottom line for me is that the efforts have to be mutual. and i believe they are, naturally, when the desires are the same and both people are on the same page. i also believe it depends on different types of people. i am the type who knows that nothing would keep me from the one i loved & i take opportunities more than making excuses. so i dont do well with someone who thinks and behaves differently and would rather spend forever planning the perfect moment for everything ~ even something as essential as meeting face to face the first time. how many consecutive days can you survive telling each other how badly "i wish you were here" before something gives? it is truly bittersweet.

[SleepyButch]

I do not know if I could do another LDR, meaning someone I could not see several times a month at least or had to fly on a plane to see. It's a lot of work both physically and emotionally. I am not saying that it's not worth it with some people or that others shouldn't try doing it. I think if you like/love someone, go for it. I am an advocate for finding love and if that love is a thousand miles away, make it happen. I am just not sure I can do that anymore although rules are always made to be broken I suppose.

As far as falling in love by chatting/texting/skyping/etc... I believe that is possible. It has happened to me before and I cannot say it won't happen again even if I try to make it not happen like that. The heart does what the heart wants. So do I think I can fall in love with you, your personality, your interactions, your mannerisms, your life, your history before I meet the physical you... yes I do. It's those things that keep people in relationships. I know you have to be physically attracted to someone to a point as well but that's what Skype is for if you cannot meet right away.

I will always be supportive of those who want to try LDRs.. but I agree with some of the others in saying that you cannot have broken promises of being together. You have to mean what you say. That's an essential part of what can make it work.

[Deborah]

LDR's now if you had asked me a few years ago I would have said sure anything can be done if you really want it...then if you had asked me again a couple years later I would have said not really a good idea...

but then today after a almost 2 year LDR (10 hours apart) I would say it can be done and it can be done successfully. Of course as with any relationship you have to be compatible and all the usual stuff that goes into a successful relationship. But we are talking specifically LDR's...the number one thing TRUST...pow that is the start. Self confidence and a true relationship with yourself because you are gonna be alone a lot. For us, there had to be the ability to see each other often enough to get to know each other in real time...at least 3-4 days a month sometimes more....a few week to two week visits. And a commitment and agreement that someday someone would relocate. This was a hard one for me in the beginning because I didn't honestly think I could ever leave my home....but I also knew this was going to come down to me or nothing. Once we saw where we were headed and how well things were going and I had enough visits to love where he lives and to make friends the decision was made.

The getting from we enjoy each others company to I want a life with you involves...being REALLY present in the relationship. I think that MTN and Sylvie have the epitome of a working LDR. I marvel at them because they are so far away from each other....but they do all the right things and TIME...getting to know someone takes TRUST, HONESTY, time and commitment.