StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

Originally Posted by Arwen

I'm starting this for those of us who have or will step into the role of "the next parental unit". It's not easy. It can feel like you are stepping into a live mine field full of "so and so didn't do that" and "you're not my mom/dad" and "those are my kids!".

How do you navigate that? What are the rules/tips/tricks you've found for being a good stepparent?

Let's talk about the wins and the losses. I've had both.

One of my wins is my beloved son, KC. He's not mine by birth, but he's mine by love. He's 21 now and we are very close.

One of my losses is his eldest sister, Dv. We talk a bit but the relationship will never be more than that of casual acquaintances. KC is our link to one another.

Their mom and I do not speak except about the kids. We do not have a friendship at all due to choices we both made and behaviours we both exhibited. I regret that on many levels.

So, how about you? Who's a step-monster out there?

*KC introduces me as his step-monster. I love it.

The whole idea of being in a relationship with someone who had kids in the home always used to be a huge, "NO!" to me, and yet, something in me shifted shortly before I had my hysterectomy. Not sure what that was, but it did and here I am happily partnered with a woman who has a 11 (will be 12 in the next few months) year old. I was so afraid of being the "step monster" because we have all seen and heard the horror stories. And really, when I sat down with my partner and talked about my fears, and how I felt, we worked through much of the anxiety and reticence about it all and worked out a game plan.

What has been crucial in making a healthy and strong bond with my step-daughter has been the following tips, tricks and ground rules:

1. Assure her that I am not here to replace ANYONE in her life. Let her know that I am merely another addition to the family, like an extra parent, or a new uncle. And that with that I will never ask to be called Dad, Papa, or anything like that.

2. Even if I don't agree with kiddo's mom (or dad) on their parenting style, or discipline techniques; as long as they are not abusive, I must stand as a united front with them. Any disagreements about parenting style/discipline techniques can be discussed behind closed doors where the kiddo can't hear them, because believe-you-me, kiddo will exploit that divide like nobody's business.

3. Never, and I repeat NEVER badmouth her father (or mother) in front of her. This also extends to dad's (or mom's) partner/spouse.

4. If in doubt on how to proceed when kiddo acts out, make a note of it (if mom or dad isn't around) by calling their attention to the fact that it wasn't appropriate, and inform them that a conversation will happen when their mom (or dad) gets home where you ALL will sit down and discuss what was done and how to resolve it.

5. ALWAYS make the punishment fit the deed. You should be firm, fair, and consistent...but never be excessive in your punishment.




These have been what works for me and my partner as well as kiddo's dad and his new wife.

Hope they may be of help to any of you.