StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

jelli · 07-31-2011, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv2luvgirls

wow a great thread...now for my two cents

im a stepmonster have been for for so long now it feels like forever....ok here goes...might be TMI but I feel so comfortable on here you all have really made me feel welcome and I need threads like this, other perpectives and experiences if you will

I had a best bud met at work we were co workers,he had a son that was about 14 or 15 at the time..just trying to find his place in his dads life as they had just met. well the kid came to work with us and attached to me..when I hit 28 29ish I made a choice I wanted a child so I asked my best bud and he agreed to it,so as a result his son calls me his step parent we have a great relationship,after my friend passed,I was the only family my stepson had so he asked to move up here with me and his lil sister...he is about 30 now just got married and has a kid on the way...yeah I think im now going in the grandparent role soon

now on the other side of it I have been my childs only parent...she knew who her "father" was of course because of my stepson,and Dave and I (that was his name) had an understanding...im the only parent listed on her long story,but my choice.I didnt want to have all kinds of people in and out of her life...so I didnt date or do a thing the whole time...now im kinda ready to want to find someone who makes me happy and is a good fit in my life but im worried about the whole process,you know having to get to know them what if it doesnt work out ...I really dont want to show my child a crazy life at the age she is ...she is almost 10 now. any tips out there?

First of all I hope nobody, not saying you, feels like they have to justify how their family came to be. I have met many people that always feel compelled to explain as if there might be consequences if their family came about in any one way shape or form versus another. I, for one, was married to a man and had 5 children. I have no shame in that fact. I have been looked down upon for that fact. I still have no shame.Hope that made sense.

Grandparent? Me, too. Welcome to a whole new world. Do you get along with your daughter-in-law? My relationship with my DIL has been VERY tricky(even though she has lesbian aunts).

You don't want to bring craziness into your daughter's life? Ha! Good luck. We all have a bit of crazy in us. But as far as dating... so don't bring crazy around. I dated Cruel for months before she was allowed to even meet my kids. She knew of them(hell, I tried to convince her to run away from mine and my kids craziness...haha). She saw them on webcam running back and forth behind me while we talked. but we didn't do the sleep over, picnic date, "this is my friend so & so". You need time to get to know someone face to face not via the internet because if they are loons(you know we've all met a few of those) they can't hide it long. Set yourself a time line for dating etc such as 3mths. I know that might sound like ages in the lesbian life for some, but if you meet someone and they try to push that boundary - red flag.

luv2luvgirls · 07-31-2011, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jelli

First of all I hope nobody, not saying you, feels like they have to justify how their family came to be. I have met many people that always feel compelled to explain as if there might be consequences if their family came about in any one way shape or form versus another. I, for one, was married to a man and had 5 children. I have no shame in that fact. I have been looked down upon for that fact. I still have no shame.Hope that made sense.

Grandparent? Me, too. Welcome to a whole new world. Do you get along with your daughter-in-law? My relationship with my DIL has been VERY tricky(even though she has lesbian aunts).

You don't want to bring craziness into your daughter's life? Ha! Good luck. We all have a bit of crazy in us. But as far as dating... so don't bring crazy around. I dated Cruel for months before she was allowed to even meet my kids. She knew of them(hell, I tried to convince her to run away from mine and my kids craziness...haha). She saw them on webcam running back and forth behind me while we talked. but we didn't do the sleep over, picnic date, "this is my friend so & so". You need time to get to know someone face to face not via the internet because if they are loons(you know we've all met a few of those) they can't hide it long. Set yourself a time line for dating etc such as 3mths. I know that might sound like ages in the lesbian life for some, but if you meet someone and they try to push that boundary - red flag.

It did and you gave me food for thought...I hadnt looked at it like that.

my DIL is a good person we get along well,her sister even added me on FB and likes to talk w/ me. They are all ok w/ who I am,after my stepson got his first place here he had a roomate that is lesbian,that was where he met his wife thru her.

lol yeah i know what you mean...we are crazy,funny you say that about ages in lesbian life lol.
im the one who might get crazy lol thats what im worried about

jelli · 08-01-2011, 12:30 PM

The foundational understanding on which the entire parent-child relationship rests is found in a careful balance between love and discipline. The interaction of those two variables is critical and is as close as we can get to a formula for successful parenting. (Dr. James Dobson, The New Dare to Discipline, p. 48)

luv2luvgirls · 08-01-2011, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jelli

The foundational understanding on which the entire parent-child relationship rests is found in a careful balance between love and discipline. The interaction of those two variables is critical and is as close as we can get to a formula for successful parenting. (Dr. James Dobson, The New Dare to Discipline, p. 48)

Nice! thanks for sharing it jelli

Ginger · 03-11-2012, 05:12 PM

I hope it's okay that I'm cross posting this; I just posted it in a thread about dating someone with a kid, then I saw this thread and started reading it, and realized my post really should have been placed here.

That said...

I'm the live-in girlfriend of a single mom, and here's what I've learned. Every situation is different but here's what works in mine:

1) Avoid ever taking a parental or disciplinary role. If safety is involved, of course, step up to the plate, and quickly. Otherwise, wait and report the behavior to the mom--but only if you think she'd want to hear it! And save your silver bullets. Don't go running to her all the time with troubling shit the kid did.

What I found works best in my situation is, that even if it's something little, like setting the table, I now ask the mom to ask the kid. I made the mistake in the beginning, of assuming I would be some kind of co-parent, or step-mom, and that caused all kinds of problems. So, I took it way, way down. Result? Peace. The kid is nicer to me, and the mom isn't bent out of shape at what she sees as my interference in her parenting.

2) Never fight in front of the kid. Did your parents fight in front of you? Mine did, all the time--and it felt awful. I don't want to put another kid in that situation. Besides, even if your partner is being an asshole, if the kid sees you fight, you're the bad guy, and that feels ever worse than the fight.

3) Accept, and don't take it personally, that you will never come first with your partner. Well, maybe on a very rare basis you'll feel like you're the priority, but if you need a lot of that, you're in for a lot of disappointment. The kid comes first, and if you can't handle that, find a partner without a kid and stop torturing her with your whining--she will only resent you for it.

4) Hold on to your sense of self; don't abandon your own hobbies and beloved "grownup" activities; don't lose touch with your friends and things that aren't "kid friendly." Gradually, in an organic way, you might gel as a "family" with your partner and her kid/s, but then again, she might not have that as a goal (mine doesn't--and she tried to tell me as much, but I didn't hear it at first). Besides being clear about expectations before you move in, be flexible; once you do move in, go with the flow. It's not a predictable process and meanwhile, it's incredibly important to make sure you have your own life, that your own identify is intact and not dependent on fitting into some fantasy you thought would happen and isn't going to.

5) I guess last of all I want to reiterate something from that last point--be clear about your expectations, before you move in.

These aren't things I learned easily, and they aren't appropriate for everyone, so please don't take offense if they aren't right for you. Honestly if they spare one person the heartache I experienced, living under some very misguided expectations, it's worth the trouble posting it.

08-01-2011, 12:30 PM	#3
jelli Member How Do You Identify?: Femmilicious Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: And you said I wasn’t your type!!! Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: SC Posts: 836 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,758 Thanked 1,079 Times in 377 Posts Rep Power: 16588549	Quote The foundational understanding on which the entire parent-child relationship rests is found in a careful balance between love and discipline. The interaction of those two variables is critical and is as close as we can get to a formula for successful parenting. (Dr. James Dobson, The New Dare to Discipline, p. 48) __________________ “Sometimes we make the right decision; sometimes we make the decision right.” “Every conflict is a lesson in self-discovery for both of us. Sometimes it's only hindsight that makes it worth it. For you, I would do it all again.“

03-11-2012, 05:12 PM	#5
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,298 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I hope it's okay that I'm cross posting this; I just posted it in a thread about dating someone with a kid, then I saw this thread and started reading it, and realized my post really should have been placed here. That said... I'm the live-in girlfriend of a single mom, and here's what I've learned. Every situation is different but here's what works in mine: 1) Avoid ever taking a parental or disciplinary role. If safety is involved, of course, step up to the plate, and quickly. Otherwise, wait and report the behavior to the mom--but only if you think she'd want to hear it! And save your silver bullets. Don't go running to her all the time with troubling shit the kid did. What I found works best in my situation is, that even if it's something little, like setting the table, I now ask the mom to ask the kid. I made the mistake in the beginning, of assuming I would be some kind of co-parent, or step-mom, and that caused all kinds of problems. So, I took it way, way down. Result? Peace. The kid is nicer to me, and the mom isn't bent out of shape at what she sees as my interference in her parenting. 2) Never fight in front of the kid. Did your parents fight in front of you? Mine did, all the time--and it felt awful. I don't want to put another kid in that situation. Besides, even if your partner is being an asshole, if the kid sees you fight, you're the bad guy, and that feels ever worse than the fight. 3) Accept, and don't take it personally, that you will never come first with your partner. Well, maybe on a very rare basis you'll feel like you're the priority, but if you need a lot of that, you're in for a lot of disappointment. The kid comes first, and if you can't handle that, find a partner without a kid and stop torturing her with your whining--she will only resent you for it. 4) Hold on to your sense of self; don't abandon your own hobbies and beloved "grownup" activities; don't lose touch with your friends and things that aren't "kid friendly." Gradually, in an organic way, you might gel as a "family" with your partner and her kid/s, but then again, she might not have that as a goal (mine doesn't--and she tried to tell me as much, but I didn't hear it at first). Besides being clear about expectations before you move in, be flexible; once you do move in, go with the flow. It's not a predictable process and meanwhile, it's incredibly important to make sure you have your own life, that your own identify is intact and not dependent on fitting into some fantasy you thought would happen and isn't going to. 5) I guess last of all I want to reiterate something from that last point--be clear about your expectations, before you move in. These aren't things I learned easily, and they aren't appropriate for everyone, so please don't take offense if they aren't right for you. Honestly if they spare one person the heartache I experienced, living under some very misguided expectations, it's worth the trouble posting it.