Question to butches and how they deal with differences in dating

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Kelt

I’ve learned that romance is a spectrum just like everything else and that part of learning about someone new is to figure out this bit too. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only older butch that has that wired up wrong. I still love to do the OS rituals, but I can now see that not all will appreciate it and it’s not personal, just a different view.

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I think understanding that people have different ideas about what is intimate and what is romantic (like the five love languages test, for example) is a good thing. I like people who like touch and quality time, because I'm good at giving that. I love getting acts of service the most. So fixing my bike will be seen as far more swoony and romantic than a gift or a love poem.

But that's also what dating is for, right? Finding these things out to see if you are suited for a relationship!

Kinda why I like taking things slow in the beginning, to find these things out....!

Both snipped.

I am going to weigh in on the romance thing: I LOVE ROMANCE. I love grand gesture, sweeping, formal romance and I also love the romantic times together being silly and doing little things. Some of the most romantic times in my life happened very spontaneously. You might not deduce from my other posts about having really strong emotional boundaries with people that I love romance, but I do. I love traditional, old school romance. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT IF I DON'T KNOW YOU.

If my partner gives me flowers and takes me out on an expensive date to a fancy restaurant and we dress up and shit, it makes me totally giddy. (Not that we need to do it all the time.) But for a first date? With someone I'm just getting to know? If you show up at my door in a suit with flowers I will be freaked the fuck out. Coffee seems like a more reasonable first date, I'm trying to get to know you kind of thing.

imperfect_cupcake: I'm so glad you brought up the five love languages thing. I found it very enlightening when I found out what my top love languages were, and like to know to know the people I am dating's are. Mine are words of affirmation and gifts, almost in equal measure. I *LOVE* (genuine) compliments and to be fawned all over, and reassurances, and to be told how much someone loves me. I need that. (Again--NOT if I've known you for like two weeks.) The gifts part I used to feel weird about--but I love being given things. It doesn't have to be expensive or even cost any money at all.

I just love physical, tangible tokens that show me someone was thinking of me. That they picked up throughout the day, just because. I love being made things. I'm a very tactile person and I love to hold things and run my hands over them, so getting something like a stone or a shell is always wonderful. I like wacky little gifts. A game. A book. A magazine. Fun stickers, a pen, cute socks, a notebook. Seriously, some of the gifts I've been most pleased with over the years cost like a dollar.

But all things in moderation until I know you. That is the key.

Speaking of which--I WANT A KINDER EGG!!!!! I would totally squee to get ones of those as a gift.

Link to the five love languages test: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Not that this whole thread needs to be become about that, but now I am developing a theory about how what a person's love language is might influence how they date and try to get to know people. I have found mostly people do things for others that they would see as loving and would want done for themselves and it doesn't always mean the same thing to another person. Because you're speaking a different language.

Ok, I'm rambling and suspecting I have lost total point of what I am doing in this post but am gonna hit click anyways...