Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

[girl_dee]

way too many variables to answer this. It's a case by case thing but mostly it sounds like gossip to me.

[Jett]

My thing is if person A wants person B to know something about themselves (or not) they will tell them... they only way I would share any significant personal info is if I knew for sure someone was about to put themselves in a harmful situation.

I figure if it's somebody else's business it's really not mine to tell...

[Jett]

Like decades ago a group of clique-y uptight lesbians told a woman who I was dating I was bad news because I was a wild one, party, rock & roll, black leather etc.... thankfully she listened to her heart about me because now that's she's older and has some health issues I'm the ONLY one out to her house helping her, making sure she still has gardens every year, fixing her house for her even know they are all still around and friends with her... I'm like just stop w/ the holier than thou talk peoples (not you peoples ; ) and walk the walk...

[MsMerrick]

Originally Posted by Sweet

(let's see if I can get a poll started without any phone pad typos or foot -in-mouth statements)..... If you were approached by a friend and asked "what do you know about [this person]?..... Would you answer? ...Do you feel obligated to answer a trusted friend? .....Are you quick to answer or do you refrain from getting "in the middle"?...... disclaimer: over the last few months, I've been asked that question by several different people about several other different persons, all non-related situations. I struggle answering because I feel it's gossiping.

Assuming that it is a trusted friend, and they have some good reason to know..ie they are considering dating them, lending them money, whatever ..because I am not interested in discussing people simply to amuse someone..here is how i answer
1... Here are the things i know about the person ( and of course good and bad ) because I have observed this behavior , interacted with them, and seen specific things.
2.. These are things i have heard about them , from people, that I don't consider to be drama queens or people that make stuff up just to make themselves feel important !
3.. Depending on a lot of factors, I may get into general speculation that I have heard, but I'll stress, the lack of reliability.. Whereas with #1 , I consider that information fairly reliable, and #2, again, I can usually attach a percentage of how likely I think the information is.

And btw, I try always, to stick to behavior vs ..general statements about character.

[WolfyOne]

I got a story once from someone that knew one of my exes and she told me, you're nothing like your ex described you to me. I'm glad I finally got to meet you and am able to draw my own conclusion of you as a person. She went on to say, btw, your ex must have told this to others, if she was able to tell it to me.

So, I never judge anyone because I despise being judged by others
I tell you what I know or what I may have heard, but will tell you it is hearsay
I don't care for those that instigate because they need to see the outcome

I'm very much open with my words, so if you don't want to hear my truth, don't ask me

[amiyesiam]

THis is interesting. Because how people treat you and react to you has a lot to do with how You yourself act and behave and what your own boundaries are.

I rarely have problems with people, even people who seem to cause others problems.

I would never give my opinion about another human being that I did not actually know in real life and then only in certain circumstances.

There are always at least 2 sides to stories/situations. And behaviors can be triggered by both sides, sometimes it is just 2 people together and alone they are much better people.

ways to handle such questions:
1. I don't know that person well enough to feel comfortable answering that question.
2. Please understand that I am close to the person you are asking about and you understand I don't feel comfortable discussing them without their knowing. You know I would do the same for you.

3. If you really don't know anything bad about that person: I only know that person at (work/school/on line/church) and I have not had any negative experiences with them.

4. If you think the person being asked about might actually want you to provide some info (such as 2 friends liking each other) Well, if you really want me to answer you honestly, I will ask (so and so) if they would mind me providing some info. (then actually ask if it is ok to share)

5. If you actually know the good/bad/ugly about someone first hand and know the person asking has no real reason to be asking. Ask them why do you want to know and I find that asking a person directly is always best. You understand that I would do the same for you also. (this has the amazing effect of shutting people up fast)

6. You have heard stories but have no first hand info or you know what happened and know that person does not want others to know (things like write ups at work, miscarriages, marital issues etc) Honestly I will bold face lie (I hate nosy people) so I say things like: I don't know. They have not discussed that with me. I had not heard anything about that.

7. and sometimes you just have to tell people: Would you want people talking about you? and I don't think it is fair to discuss so and so when they are not here to defend themselves.


Now there are consequences to implementing any/all of the above. People will stop asking you about things that are none of their business and people will stop telling you everyone else's business and you will find that there is very little drama in your life, and you will actually be clueless about what is going on around you in other peoples lives unless they themselves tell you directly. You will find that some people come to you to vent cause they know you understand that it is venting and know you won't repeat it. Also your telephone time will drop dramatically and you will have more time to do the actual things you enjoy in life.

And lastly: To people who ask others for their opinions about others, please realize that you may be putting the person you are asking in a very uncomfortable position, especially if the person you are asking is close to you and the person you are asking about or if you know the person you are asking does know confidential information and you ask anyway or if the person you are asking has heard stuff but wasn't actually involved.
Honestly, you are being ballsy and rude and not nice to do this to others. At least have the curtesy to tell the person you are asking that it is ok if they don't feel comfortable answering.

[Soft*Silver]

I had an ex (from another site, long ago) who would bait the new people in her exes life to talk to her about the ex. Behind the scenes, talk to them about her ex and give them the "scoop" on what she put them through. (Knowing this about her behaviors in the past, I assume she did this with me too when we broke up.) You have to wonder what the agenda really is for someone to do this. It was obvious she wasnt over the ex. And that she had to clear her own name.

so sometimes when people hunker up next to you to ask what you know about so and so, its not to protect you, its to deflower a new start. Sour grapes, so to speak.

Two really good people can get involved and have a disastrous relationship. Until I got honest with myself and acknowledged that I was getting into one disastrous relationship after another with people who also were doing that, i kept repeating the same relationship. I have broken the cycle by not getting involved that way.

so if anyone wants to know something about me, they can just ask me themselves. I will be honest. As honest as I can see it currently. Honesty is like an onion with layers of truth mixed with tears.

but what if people dont have the gumption to ask me directly but want to ask someone else about me?

I would expect people to tell others about me that I am a difficult person and not easy to have a relationship with and that I am in recovery and cant handle being around active addiction and that by my own words, I am more off center than not. and that I can be vicious when cornered (but who isnt) and am OCD about horses. And can be oversensitive as well as insensitive and that I can start shit as well as end it, depending on where I am in my mental health continuum.

feel free to add whatever you wish, if people ask you about me. I have learned that we all carry chapters around with us, about the people we meet. I think Dorothy would be a whiny little bitch or a strong independent young blossoming woman instead of a lost little girl if she were put in different novels. The story is as its told by those who read it, as much as it its told by the one who writes it...

[Martina]

i also wouldn't offer much to a casual acquaintance unless i thought they were at risk, which is fairly unlikely. If someone i know and trust asks me how i feel about someone, i will be honest. i have grown more discreet over the years. So i am not going to confide in relative strangers. i used to. It hasn't worked out that well for me in recent years. i like people who are open like that though. People who just lay it out there.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Jett

Like decades ago a group of clique-y uptight lesbians told a woman who I was dating I was bad news because I was a wild one, party, rock & roll, black leather etc.... thankfully she listened to her heart about me because now that's she's older and has some health issues I'm the ONLY one out to her house helping her, making sure she still has gardens every year, fixing her house for her even know they are all still around and friends with her... I'm like just stop w/ the holier than thou talk peoples (not you peoples ; ) and walk the walk...

Things are not always as they appear. I have a little 23 year old, tattooed, piercings everywhere, purple haired, maybe 90 pound little baby dyke who pulled up for a job. A few people looked at me like I was crazy but I believe in giving everyone a chance, at least once. She out worked any man out here and people twice her age. I enjoy doing things for her- maybe buying her a shirt, a jacket, extra gas money, etc. Her roommate, who I also know, made a comment that I was a dirty old woman coming onto her. Needless to say it was gossip and the furthest thing on my mind. I like them younger but not younger then my son! I enjoy helping her because she deserves someone to give her a chance. People would rather talk about her.

You know I hear so much shit about me from third parties. I even hear gossip stemming from people I don't even know. I am convinced that it is driven by jealousy and insecurity. All things I am not, therefore I refuse to contribute. The best proof of this is that the people that talk the most do the least and within a reasonable amount of time vanish. I've learned that its best just to let the natural order of things play out. If someone needs to know something that bad, (or know me for that matter) they will invest the time and not listen to others.

Sometimes I wish someone would have warned me about a few people I could have done without in my life, however in hindsight I see how necessary the journey. Even if they had said something I probably would have still checked it out for myself.

[Blade]

For me it would depend on many variables.
Safety being of the utmost importance. If I knew someones safety was at risk I'd say so.


It would also depend on how well I knew the fisherman and the fish. I don't know many people online well enough to share information with them that I know about someone else I only know from online. Unless it were someone of great integrity. Simply because knowing someone online is way different than knowing someone in RT and having RT knowledge of who this person/s are.

The thing is it seems the fisherman, especially online, isn't really looking for the good things about the catch, they already know many good things. They are fishing for the other stuff. The stuff that might send up a red flag.


In RT yep I'd spill the beans if I knew something that was important enough to bring to the surface. I know this person beats women, uses drugs, is a sex offender, has a criminal past, is a snake in the grass etc. I'd mention the good stuff to.
I would only share info I knew to be factual. Witnessed info, or something with proof or continual bad behavior or behaviors I had seen first hand.

[Vlasta]

as far I am concerned it depends on the situation . When two people are already involved no matter what do you say on the end you will end as a bad guy .

From my experience when a gun was waived in my face , I would definitely warn a person since I was frozen and didn't know what will happened next . On the other occasion when my so call butch was bisexual I would warn you too for your safety and leave it up to you what you will choose to do , even if I would ended as a bad guy .

otherwise , when my partners confined to me about a sexual abuse or other traumatic events in they life , I wouldn't never reveal that to nobody . It's up to them who they choose to tell .

Gossip it's just a gossip , unless you lived with me and things didn't work out between us , because I am demanding on personal hygiene , clean house , please shot your mouth .

[Ciaran]

Clearly it is different where there's a potential physical safety issue (emotional abuse is something of a greyer area, in my opinion, as the label of "emotionally abusive" is one that too many people can attach to ex-partners for a whole host of reasons, some of which may not reflect actual emotional abuse), but, otherwise, I find that many people are all too willing and enthusiastic to interfere under the pretence of trying to be helpful or supportive, when it's nothing of the case.


Also, I'd like to think that if someone asked an opinion on someone else from that person's ex-partner that they would have the common sense to treat these views with an appropriate level of caution given that, as an ex-partner, their viewpoint will potentially be rather biased and slanted.

[Ben]

hahahahaha I'm so out of the loop.. I didn't know what "quoin" meant ...*still chuckling*

[softheart]

I for one. don't feel it's gossip, if you tell what you know about someone as long as it's a fact. For example , I might say, oh I know she was looking to change jobs recently, because she asked if my company was hiring. And she dated so and so for about 3 years and has been single for awhile.
Now if it's a real close friend I would tell them what I know and also what I have heard. Stressing that I have heard other people say this and I don't know how true it is, but keep it in the back of your mind.
If someone asks , and you know something about this person and it's not good, I think you would be doing an injustice to them not to say so.
I would want to know the truth. Who wants to invest their time and energy, and yes heart, only to be crushed by a cheater, a player or worse.
Then while dealing with the pain and heartache, a friend tells you , I couldn't believe you were dating them anyway, as much as they have cheated and lied in the past, I thought everybody knew blah blah blah.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Also, I'd like to think that if someone asked an opinion on someone else from that person's ex-partner that they would have the common sense to treat these views with an appropriate level of caution given that, as an ex-partner, their viewpoint will potentially be rather biased and slanted.

I think this is an important distinction. I would never ask an ex-partner for a perspective...too many other things can be at play.

Also...it's perfectly possible for two good people to bring out the worst in each other. Any feedback from that ex-partner is going to be tainted by that experience.

So....I would also never give an opinion about an ex-partner of mine either. Someone who brought out the worst in me may bring out the best in someone else....and should be given that chance without interference.

If I'm asking for input, it's going to be from someone who has known that person, in real life, for an extended period of time....someone whose judgment I trust....and someone who has not been romantically involved with them.

[Shadownthemind]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

I agree with you. When asked what I think of someone I only speak what I know from first hand experiance not from what others have told me

[Mr Nice Guy]

I would be honest and refrain from saying anything negative. I would hope someone would do that for me.

[Legendryder]

If a friend of mine asked me directly what I knew about someone, the first thing out of my mouth would be "my personal experience with this person is..........". Unless I had never met the person, then I would say, "I do not know this person" regardless of what I have heard someone else say about them. I put no merit in second hand information. I do not care about gossip, never have. I tend to get a bit rude when someone begins to talk smack about anyone else. Honestly, it is none of my business. I also do not care what is said about me. I learned a long time ago, what someone else thinks about me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!! I am an adult. At least I try to be an adult. As long as Bob thinks I am great, the rest is gravy.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

Most of the time, I think it is a set-up, too. Yes, the "telephone game" remains!

If I have actual, personal information about something like a person being dangerous (physically or emotionally), I would disclose it. But, the thing that I am more interested in with this whole matter is the "motovation" behind the question(s).

Even when I have had a falling-out with someone, I still keep whatever we may have shared confidential. It's called having honor and integrity.

[Unndunn]

apparently I'm really out of the game because I have no idea what a qoin is. Can someone please help a butch out?