Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[CherylNYC]

I hope it isn't too far off topic for me to congratulate myself for recognising the warning signs and getting out of a recent emotionally abusive dating situation relatively quickly. While I wish I had gotten out even faster, I keep reminding myself that I haven't been nearly as savvy about reading the signs in the past. Had I met this abusive personality in the past I'm certain I would have stuck around a lot longer.

I only had one emotionally abusive adult relationship in my past. I was much younger then, and I stayed with her for eight years! When I look back at that situation, I have to admit that I knew it was wrong many years before I left. I stayed with her partly because I had never been in a committed partnership before, and I didn't want to have failed. Whenever I feel tempted to give myself a hard time for staying with someone who treated me badly I just say to myself the same thing that I say to my friends who have struggled to leave emotional abusers. "It must have felt like home." Yup. It sure did.

My most recent experience was an eye opener for me because I've never felt physically unsafe in a dating situation with a woman before. I feel as if I dodged a bullet by getting out quickly, but I have deep concerns for her new girlfriend!

[JustLovelyJenn]

When I opened this thread, I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. I dealt with all of this a long time ago, and I am usually pretty good about taking a deep breath and moving forward...

... That being said...

... I was married to a very abusive person. He never hit me, never physically intimidated me in any way. In obvious ways he wasnt even really verbally abusive, we got in fights, but I was very good at yelling back. But he was extrememly emotionally abusive. I didn't see it at first, I didn't understand how much I was withdrawing, or how much I was affected. As I processed everything after the fact, I found things that I always thought I would see...

• He was extremely determined to get things his way. He even asked me to marry him every day for a month before I agreed.
  
• He was very quick to point out his needs and insist on having them filled.
  
• Things I needed or wanted could be explained away, there wasnt enough time, or money, or whatever... it could wait for now.

These things were there very early on. Things I just said ok to. Compromised about, and they just continued to grow. Until I was isolated from friends, without general needs such as new underware or bras, or even clothes that fit. I didn't thnk they were important in the beginning. It was easy enough to just give in to those little demands.

Now, my ex is in a new relationship, with a new woman, who just had a baby... and I am seeing the same things begin to develop. I guess watching it happen again has made it all feel a little fresh in my mind.

[pajama]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Someone who cries victim a lot is sometimes the abuser. Huge Red Flag. The rest of the red flags, there's just so many that are so different.

Originally Posted by always2late

I think that the most insidious form of abuse is the one that is not overt, because it is seldom recognized AS abuse while it is occurring. Emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm or suicide, the abuser claiming that they are being victimized or even claiming to suffer some form of abuse at the hands of the person they are abusing....these can often be overlooked as the truly abusive acts that they are...and can be more damaging because they are, at times, tolerated or excused for far longer than physical abuse would be.

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

• He was extremely determined to get things his way. He even asked me to marry him every day for a month before I agreed.
  
• He was very quick to point out his needs and insist on having them filled.
  
• Things I needed or wanted could be explained away, there wasnt enough time, or money, or whatever... it could wait for now.

I came in here to read and learn. I have been blessed to never have been in an abusive relationship. In my 20s I would say I was the abuser, for the above reasons. Traits I learned from a lifetime of watching my aunt abuse my Mother and our family is such ways. I'm glad others on here were able to point out better than I, this form of manipulation and control IS ABUSE!

Peace to all of you and thank you for sharing your stories and insights.
A

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by pajama

I came in here to read and learn. I have been blessed to never have been in an abusive relationship. In my 20s I would say I was the abuser, for the above reasons. Traits I learned from a lifetime of watching my aunt abuse my Mother and our family is such ways. I'm glad others on here were able to point out better than I, this form of manipulation and control IS ABUSE!

Peace to all of you and thank you for sharing your stories and insights.
A

It takes a strong person to change these behaviours congrats for doing so

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

It takes a strong person to change these behaviours congrats for doing so

I wanted to commend you as well Pajama... It does take a strong person to first admit it and also to take the steps to fix it

[iamkeri1]

Abuse comes in many many forms. For me, the key sign was alcohol abuse. Not daily alcohol, I would not have put up with that, but the inability on my partner's part to stop drinking once started. The alcohol allowed her to move from verbal and emotional abuse into physical abuse.

One warning I will give others is that the physical abuse does not always start small and build up. For me it came down in a big way the very first time she laid a hand on me. We were cleaning our apartment after having moved into a larger place. We were really tired and were resting on a mattress on the floor, the only remaining furniture in the place. I don't remember the trigger at this point, but it was nothing much. The alcohol set her free to exercise her frustration by beating me up. She leapt on top off me, throwing me down half off the mattress with my head on the hardwood floor. She punched me in the face and shoulders and flung me around like a madwoman landing punches on my back as well. She grabbed my hair and started pounding my head into the floor, over and over again. I felt sure in that moment that she was going to kill me. The only thing that saved me was the telephone ringing. Somehow the ringing allowed her to realize what she was doing. She backed off me and answered the phone. It was my parents, god bless them. I was still laying on my back on the floor when she handed me the phone. They were coming from Ohio to visit me (in California) in two days. I did not tell them what they had interrupted, nor did I ask for their help. I was still bruised when they arrived, but like a typical abused woman I was embarrassed and did my best to cover it up. I know my mother saw the bruises on my shoulder, but somehow she kept quiet as well.

What was most stupid was that I stayed in that relationship for another six years. She quit drinking eventually (after an incident in which she put herself in great danger), and I threatened to tell her parents (whom I had spoiled with kindness, and whose love I had worked hard to earn) what she was doing to me. So the physical abuse stopped. The attempts to isolate, the put downs, the degradation, all continued.

Again I was saved, this time in a very ironic way. She saved me herself - by cheating on me over and over. Many nights she came home very late or not at all. This gave me time alone to think, and oddly enough, more time to spend with my friends, time to realize what an idiot I was.

It took a while, and there were many steps, but eventually I ended the relationship. Recovery was slow and overlapped with the time I entered into a new relationship with the person who would become the husband I speak of so lovingly, now passed. He gave me 25 years of love and support. He welcomed my family and friends, and was loved in return. I was lucky to have had all that time with him. He treated me with respect and valued me as a person.

I hope those of you who are still in abusive relationships are able to open your eyes to your own value, and that you can figure out a way to end the abuse.

Smooches,
Keri

[Sweet Bliss]

Keep in mind that there are many great resources available.

Here are some that helped me.

books:

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense by Suzette Elgin

all her books are helpful

Controlling People by Patricia Evans

Her books are great.

ordering books online is great for those of us trapped at home. Provided you are able to access mailbox.

Some therapists are able to counsel over the phone.

Suicide hotlines are great resources for hooking up with local assistance.

Spiritual Teachers are available on youtube. Byron Katie has wonderful way of exposing our faulty thinking. She has website with videos etc.

Always treat yourself like the gift that you are intrinsically. You are the Love you seek.

[Soft*Silver]

I am going to premise what i am about to say with the following:
not every alcoholic/addict is abusive
not every abuser is an alcoholic/addict


but....

many situations/relationships that are abusive often have alcohol or other addictions within them.

I spoke at a convention and again at a professional workshop on alcohol involvement in DV relationships. Not only can it be with the abuser, but also with the victim.

I know personally, when i was engaged to a fella many many years ago, I stayed in that horribly abusive relationship because it was safer for me to deal with it, than to confront my sexuality. To cope with the violence, and the closet, I drank. It was perfectly accepted because it helped him with his addiction, which also fueled his anger issues. we were a dysfunctional symbiotic pair where you couldn't tell who was the host and who was the parasite because at different angles, it looked like the other was to blame.


It took everything in me to break it off with him, quit drinking and come out of the closet.

I was pretty healthy for a long time and then a few decades later, I decided to do the almost exact same thing all over again.

Flash ahead many years and lots of therapy and AA meetings... My DV issues and PTSD are checked, and My spirituality is in gear.

I work hard at myself. I learned the hard way, recovering from abuse doesnt end, even when you cant feel it anymore. If you dont work at it FOREVER, you repeat it.

[RockOn]

Soft*Silver,
Hooray for you for empowering yourself and getting you back. I loved reading your post where you stated you were able to turn it around. Back in the late 80s, turning that corner was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted in my life but after I put the beer down and got a good firm hold, all I could see was 6 lanes of wide open, clean freeway ahead. No more ruddy pig trails. Easy to get lost going down those paths and pretty scary sometimes too. I am talking about some of the people I came into contact with.

Yes, it takes a great deal of work untangling some of the totally wrecked emotions and nothing happened overnight but so worth all the work. I am far from perfect today and issues will always arise now and then but my life is a bazillion times better than before recovery.

Thanks a whole lot for sharing with us.
Best wishes

[Rockinonahigh]

I was married to my X for several years at this point he hadn't shown any kind of abuse,one day we were packing the trailer to go to a horse show when I didn't agree with something he said then out of the blue he threw a heavy glass mug at me.I got out of the way so he missed,he got even more mad and came after me wich was the wrong thing to do cause I stepped up and and popped him right in the mouth as hard as I could dropping him like an felled ox.He was drinking beer but wasn't drunk he only had a couple at that point,I took him to the doctor to see about the bloody nose he had cause he was bleeding pretty bad,turned out I broke his nose when I hit him defending myself.I told the doctor what happened,he reported it to the police.When they picked him up at the doctors' office he swore he didn't remember what happened , I filed charges cause I wasn't going to let him get away with it.The courts ended up calling it a domestic dispute so he got 90 days in the parish jail,while he was there he had to go through anger management (didn't do any good) by time he got out I already had divorce papers served to him.All I wanted was no contest just get the "F" out of my life no spousal support, just go.Fast forward a year,I had gone on one of my long horse show runs,when I came back my mother had moved him back into her home cause she felt sorry for him.this was a move she would be sorry for cause he did the same thing to her a few months later.This time my son was home on leave,I was changing clothes when he wen't nuts kicked moms bedroom door open then started on her screaming and hitting her(she was 70 at the time) It took both me and my son to get him off her wrestling him to the floor.Again he was
doing time but for a longer time of 5 years.When I finely got her to file charges and we both got an order of protection from the courts,mom didn't want to file charges cause she didn't want anyone to know what happened but finely she saw reason and did file charges.I know he got out on good behavior along with an early release program,I have no idea where he is and don't want to know...last I herd he moved out of state.good riddence is all I can say.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I have been in a couple of abusive relationships in my past. Relationships I do not usually talk about outside of the trauma work I have done on them.
I have also witnessed abuse by others and a lot of the warning signs mentioned can be applied across the board when it comes to DV; straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, ect ect men, women, MtF, FtM, ect ect even vanilla and BDSM folks dominant, submissive, ect ect ect each can be an abuser and/or victim.
One thing I always had to keep in mind was while there were warning signs that could be applied across the board there are some that are specific to that person whomever they are.
If you ever fear for your life in any way for any reason no matter who you are you are most likely in an abusive relationship. This was always the hardest warning sign for me to swallow and to acknowledge that I felt whenever I felt it in the past. A lot of that has to do with the myths mentioned in some earlier posts about male or masculine identities and what society and sometimes our own families can teach us about pride and self worth. I know for me as a FtM it was always hard if not impossible to admit when I was being abused especially if it involved physical abuse or I feared for my life. I always felt "less then" at these times which would be why reporting the abuse did not happen, seeking help in the DV community did not happen, and I think was the one thing that always played into the going back to them over and over even when I knew better.
Still though that is the one behavior of mine that I will never understand no matter how much therapy I have around the trauma why did I always go back over and over even times asking them back hell begging them to come back. It is a red flag or for me it is especially when added to the other ones mentioned.
My biggest advice is listen to the people that know you and better yet if you are in therapy listen to your therapist if they suggest you examine something...examine it.
Also for the guys out there she doesn't have to hit you for you to fear for your life.
Kuddos to everyone that has posted either about recognizing their warning signs or changing their behavior. Both are big...

[*Anya*]

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

What surprises me is that mom just wouldn't press charges at first,she had always been one of the most possitive women I knew,for he to just say "let it be" was so off the wall I was taken by surprise.One of my aunts said in it was common for men to rule over women in her generation that it was a common for this to happen in families for this to happen,I never could understand it.
My X should have known better to have started on me with his crap knowing I would not just take it then walk away,come to find out his father did the same thing to his wife and kids.What I just don't get was they thought the guy hung the moon no matter what he did.I told my X very early on if he ever laid a hand on me in anger he was a dead man cause I would fight him till my last breath,I don't start fights but if people insist in this I sure will finish it defending myself.Another thing I know is it has only been somewhat recent that a woman could defend her self against abuse or end up killing someone in self defence with out ending up in jail,i'm glad things are difrent now.

[Soft*Silver]

boy, did I feel a gut reaction reading Anya's father's words..."You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

I cant tell you how many times I have heard those words. Yes, I am a fiesty wild mouth bitch if you get my dander up...but nothing deserves a slap in the face, a shove, a fist, a hair pulling, a pummeling. You dont like what I say? FUCKING WALK AWAY OR LEAVE.

Saying it, is far more easier than doing it. The relationship is based on dysfunction so doing something smart or self preserving, well, probably wont happen alot..not until you really do walk away.

[Soft*Silver]

you asked for signs...

a remarkable sign that most people miss, or disregard, is their account of their exes. If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well), was a dog; screwed everyone; ran to someone else; didnt take care of the house, the kids; was mouthy and disrespected him in front of his family and friends; etc....if the exes were ALWAYS the problem, we have transference going on here.

There is relatively new theory of transference called AMT...Abusive Multiple Transference, where the abuser not only transfer negative feelings of their abuser to their victims, but also transfers the power and dominance of their own abuser to themselves.*

In simple-ese?
... if the abuser felt they were always shit on, they will always believe they will get shit on, and they themselves will also always shit on others....


(*I found a really good explaination of transference and projection that relates it to domestic violence! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_tr...ection#slide72)

[Bard]

when I was young and in my fist lesbian relationship it was abusive not at first but when she drank well it got bad started when she thought I was cheating on her she punched me in the nose breaking it then slammed me on the ground stomping on my hand saying she would be sure I never touched another woman. eventually I caught her her cheating and a fight ensued with me and the other girl to separate us Trish kicked me in the temple as we wrestled on the ground I have been told my eyes rolled back in my head. but we got back together a few months later we were back together for 2 weeks when she came to pick me up after work and she had been drinking I tried to take the keys but all the while I was thinking she is going to brake my nose again long story short I did not get in the car with her that night and she ended up getting into a accident and dieing I swore no one would ever hit me again I had enough of that as a child it took me a long time to not feel guilty that perhaps I caused her anger I had to see that I was worth being loved for me and that not everyone was going to leave me when I made ME whole I found my love and was able to say .. it was NOT my fault .. yes I have a temper yes I am a mouthy ass but I deserve to be treated well and to be loved loved like I am with desd

[Words]

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well),

Sorry, but I have a bit of an issue with this. Why use 'he'? Given that this is a queer website and that the majority of the members here identify as women, wouldn't 'she' be more appropriate (or, better still, the non-gender specific 'they')?

I appreciate that this probably wasn't your intention, but it just feels to me like men, butches, and FtMs always get a bid of a raw deal when it comes to the language we default to when discussing abuse.

Words

[The_Lady_Snow]

AABL: Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians: An excellent resource for battered lesbians.


Equality Colorado: Advocacy services available 24 hours a day for GLBT victims of crime: hate
crimes, domestic violence, sexual assault,and random violence


Rainbow Coalition Against DomesticViolence: Describes the dynamics of domestic violence, and includes the power and control wheel for same-sex couples.


Community United Against Violence Same Sex DV Bibliography: A list of recommended reading regarding same-sex domestic violence.


Annual Report on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Domestic Violence: A report from the Department of Justice regarding same-sex domestic violence.


Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships: A page devoted to lesbian victims of domestic violence.


Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: Providing community education and direct services to gay,
bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence.


LAMBDA Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project: : Lambda's pages about same-sex domestic violence.


What Recovering Batterers Want You To Know About Abuse and Violence: Good information about their behavior from recovering batterers.


Wolf-Island: A Magical and Protected Place: Support for gay male victims of domestic violence. Includes poetry, music, bibliography, personal stories and links.


DOVES: Gay and Lesbian Battering: Services for same sex victims of domestic violence. Shelter, counseling, support and legal assistance. Spanish speaking staff available.

[girl_dee]

Warning signs, Red flags etc....

Take note on how the person has behaved with past relationships. Even more, watch how they handled the break up.

Abuse can happen even after the break up. Don't think for a second that they won't do the same to you.

[Ginger]

I was in a big hurry to leave my parents' house and married as a teenager to a young man with a huge collection of exotic reptiles, including venomous snakes. He put a cobra on the couch next to me once, and it reared up while I sat absolutely still, and then he free-handed it and put it back in its cage, to give one example. I left suddenly and with only the clothes on my back and made my way, having done well in school no matter what was going on or how many minimum wage jobs I was holding down. I was having my period when I left, and he wouldn't let me take my purse or any pads, and I walked down the highway bleeding through my pants, and felt totally energized and unafraid. He also hit me a lot, but I always fought back. I do that, fight back, until I suddenly leave and don't look back.

I've had some very kind, very generous and good-hearted partners since then, but I've also had a couple bad eggs in the bunch, like everyone else. My downfall is that I wait too long to leave a bad relationship. I don't stay in a bad relationship and let the person grind me down; I stay in the bad relationship and try to use my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then I suddenly leave, having sustained and caused more damage than was necessary. It's such a relief to be alone now.