Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

Sometimes it is hard to walk away. If only it were that simple.

In my case I didn't understand that I was being verbally/mentally abused. I had always thought abuse was physical and not mental. I was with someone who was very controlling to the point were it was her pushing her OCD on me and getting mad when I didn't do things right and treating me poorly for it.

As for physical violence I have only been slapped once by a girlfriend. I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to but I didn't know what. I should have walked out then and there but I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't do anything about it.

Thirdly I would like to point out something I learned recently. All my life when I saw abusive relationships I wondered why the abused didn't just leave or fight back or something. One of my friends pointed out to me that often that isn't an option because abusers can be crazy and try to go after and "punish" the abused for trying to resist. Its a fucked up situation all together.

Originally Posted by Teddybear

SB

I have hoped someone else would have addressed this but since no one did I will. I hope I don't offend anyone.

Not all abusers r motivated by anger. Just like rape ISN'T about sec. Its power over someone else. They thrive in it. Some will build u up one minute just to brutality tear u down the next.

Some set u up. Some have u b responsible for xyz and when u do if they all over u because u did it. Your always in a dammed if u do dammed if u don't situation.

Walking away is SO easy to say. The prey is trapped all they can see is the cage that they have/are in. It takes a lot of COURAGE to break free and do the work on yourself to NIT repeat the cycle.

OK I want to say more but I have to get back to work.

The anger is only part of the cycle of violence. Power and control is also part of the cycle of violence.

Just leave?

If only it were that easy.

I was physically abused by my ex-husband before, during and after my two pregnancies.

Where do you go if you have no family or friends close by? Have babies? I know that I went to the police and they did not arrest him.

Even today, with stricter laws about domestic violence and shelters for women and children-the psychological after-effects make many women (and men) almost paralyzed emotionally. Because I was tied in with him financially and emotionally and because of my children-when the making up and calm stage happened: I wanted to believe-needed to believe; that it would never happen again.

But, of course, it always did.

This cycle below simplifies a very complex pattern of behavior:

"Cycle of Violence

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear."

http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.