Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

Daisy Chain · 08-20-2015, 03:54 AM

Truthfully I know I am quite damaged through many experiences in life. But I can also say I have grown and healed a great deal in recent years, not least through the unconditional love and understanding from my loved one.

I few I can think of straight off are....gifts: I used struggle to allow Hym to send me things.....in my crazy childhood I always had to `pay` in some way if I received anything, either material or a nice experience, attention etc....so I have a default emotion of fear when I am blessed or happy about something...I have come a long way in this. Hy has finally taught me that Hys attentions and generosity do not have a price tag.

Another would be feeling `not good enough`....in many ways but one example would be that when we first found each other despite mailing and speaking on the phone for...wait for it.....maybe 6 months....it was only then I felt confident enough to send Hym my photo. It was all credit to Hym that despite asking a couple of times, when I stalled Hy would laugh and say it didnt matter as Hy adored me anyhow no matter what I looked like.

There are quite a few more but to be honest I dont really want to visit that head space for long so I`ll leave it there....

I would happily say that I am far more whole and healed now than I was few years ago.

Daisy

Zimmeh · 08-20-2015, 05:16 AM

I have been through a lot of emotional and physical abuse as a child. There are times, when I'm afraid to allow someone to love me. This type of insecurity is something that I continue to work on. As a result, it can end a relationship and then I become depressed. Being a Capricorn, I love to help people out and this helpfulness has been taking advantage of by former partners. I am learning on a daily basis, how to be there for people but not give 100% of my help to only one person.

I am afraid of rejection and having my heart broke. That's why it takes me so long to trust my next partner.

Zimmeh

Karysma · 08-20-2015, 07:52 AM

Intresting topic. I have been thinking alot about this lately.

I think my experience reflects alot of those here... a fear of rejection that stems from a feeling of not 'being enough'. I don't know how this can be avoided when you have been through the end of a relationship which in fact PROVED that you weren't enough and were summarily rejected. Unless you are the one who always done the leaving I don't know how this can be avoided.

My last partner made me feel like I was made for her and that what we had was special and unshakable. I am now left trying to internalize that it wasn't special - and was like so many others that have blown up was just a made up illusion that was based on fundamental lies. This is the only thing that has helped me come to terms with something I never thought I would be able to live without.

I have become acutely aware of my shortcomings as an intimate partner and am currently trying to address some of these things. This apears to walk the fine line of being the person you are, verses changing yourself into something else in order to sustain a relationship. I don't want to be what I'm not but I do want to be the best version of what I am in order to maximize the happiness in my life. The difficulty is determining the difference...

Tuff Stuff · 08-24-2015, 06:17 PM

You know what hurts and left a huge hole in my heart...a Femme saying she's your soul mate and during some of the hardest times in your life she leaves you..not even a letter,a phone call,nothing...u just never hear from her,again.

I haven't moved on from loving her...i'm still here if she ever wants to come back.

JDeere · 08-25-2015, 09:03 PM

Dating is easier when it is just dating, but when it reaches more than dating, that is when all things that could go wrong, go wrong. I say stupid shit or do something stupid and not realize it and it causes issues.

TruTexan · 08-26-2015, 02:03 PM

I've already faced 1 of my fears: was told my ptsd and anxiety was a deal breaker for a relationship. OUCH!! that really hurt me deeply. I can't help that I have it. It's not like I went out and said that I wanted to have PTSD and anxiety and I got it. GEEZE

I've always been afraid of someone rejecting me because of my disability status and I was rejected. I can't work anymore because of physical disablement with my lower back and then there's my ptsd, anxiety, and depression that goes along with my back injury. I already feel less than, I surely didn't need to be rejected and told that.

I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know. Sometimes I just can't seem to feel any other way.

homoe · 08-26-2015, 04:30 PM

Being totally waylaid once again

Shystonefem · 08-26-2015, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I've always been afraid of someone rejecting me because of my disability status and I was rejected.

I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know. Sometimes I just can't seem to feel any other way.

I truly believe that you attract the things you focus on. I know so many people that can't work for one reason or another, it doesn't make them less of a person. Try to stop focusing on things you don't want and "not being good enough" and try to focus in what you want.

Where thoughts go, energy flows.

Just my unsolicited advice.......

Tuff Stuff · 09-28-2015, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuff Stuff

You know what hurts and left a huge hole in my heart...a Femme saying she's your soul mate and during some of the hardest times in your life she leaves you..not even a letter,a phone call,nothing...u just never hear from her,again.

I haven't moved on from loving her...i'm still here if she ever wants to come back.

No,i'm not here anymore.

RockOn · 09-28-2015, 07:59 PM

My biggest fear of all is to fall for another active alcoholic/addict. I turned 59 years old this past summer and I am totally "relationshipped out!" Did that make sense? I mean I am finished with that portion of my life and do not miss it. I will not get involved ever again. I am quite content with this posture. When I am 80, old and gray, chewing a wad of tobacco and spitting it off the side of the porch, their will be probably a half dozen or so dogs under my porch snoozing. Sitting there just thinking of my pack, the love I have for them will be more happiness than I could ever dream of.

socialjustice_fsu · 09-28-2015, 08:27 PM

Investing time, energy, money into a "relationship" only months later it's met with "I guess there is no chemistry." Being misled. Hopes and dreams being dismantled. Perhaps I don't need to have even one. single. expectation.
It is the road to heart-ache and resentment.

08-20-2015, 05:16 AM	#2
Zimmeh Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Me Relationship Status: I am a human and not a possession Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southern Volusia County, FL Posts: 6,746 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 23,549 Thanked 13,442 Times in 4,317 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I have been through a lot of emotional and physical abuse as a child. There are times, when I'm afraid to allow someone to love me. This type of insecurity is something that I continue to work on. As a result, it can end a relationship and then I become depressed. Being a Capricorn, I love to help people out and this helpfulness has been taking advantage of by former partners. I am learning on a daily basis, how to be there for people but not give 100% of my help to only one person. I am afraid of rejection and having my heart broke. That's why it takes me so long to trust my next partner. Zimmeh __________________ "A loving heart is the truest wisdom" -Chinua Achebe

08-20-2015, 07:52 AM	#3
Karysma Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: she,her Relationship Status: Post Apocolyptic Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Atlanta Posts: 172 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 850 Thanked 769 Times in 148 Posts Rep Power: 13174978	Intresting topic. I have been thinking alot about this lately. I think my experience reflects alot of those here... a fear of rejection that stems from a feeling of not 'being enough'. I don't know how this can be avoided when you have been through the end of a relationship which in fact PROVED that you weren't enough and were summarily rejected. Unless you are the one who always done the leaving I don't know how this can be avoided. My last partner made me feel like I was made for her and that what we had was special and unshakable. I am now left trying to internalize that it wasn't special - and was like so many others that have blown up was just a made up illusion that was based on fundamental lies. This is the only thing that has helped me come to terms with something I never thought I would be able to live without. I have become acutely aware of my shortcomings as an intimate partner and am currently trying to address some of these things. This apears to walk the fine line of being the person you are, verses changing yourself into something else in order to sustain a relationship. I don't want to be what I'm not but I do want to be the best version of what I am in order to maximize the happiness in my life. The difficulty is determining the difference... __________________ Karysma

08-25-2015, 09:03 PM	#5
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,836 Times in 9,708 Posts Rep Power: 21474865	Dating is easier when it is just dating, but when it reaches more than dating, that is when all things that could go wrong, go wrong. I say stupid shit or do something stupid and not realize it and it causes issues. __________________ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

08-26-2015, 02:03 PM	#6
TruTexan Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: in a one horse town in a large state, in the U.S. Posts: 3,952 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 5,266 Times in 1,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I've already faced 1 of my fears: was told my ptsd and anxiety was a deal breaker for a relationship. OUCH!! that really hurt me deeply. I can't help that I have it. It's not like I went out and said that I wanted to have PTSD and anxiety and I got it. GEEZE I've always been afraid of someone rejecting me because of my disability status and I was rejected. I can't work anymore because of physical disablement with my lower back and then there's my ptsd, anxiety, and depression that goes along with my back injury. I already feel less than, I surely didn't need to be rejected and told that. I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know. Sometimes I just can't seem to feel any other way. __________________

09-28-2015, 08:27 PM	#11
socialjustice_fsu Member How Do You Identify?: Feminine Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: It’s all good. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The gulf waters are sapphire blue and the beach sand is white as snow. Posts: 607 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,866 Thanked 2,155 Times in 439 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	My biggest relationship fear.... Investing time, energy, money into a "relationship" only months later it's met with "I guess there is no chemistry." Being misled. Hopes and dreams being dismantled. Perhaps I don't need to have even one. single. expectation. It is the road to heart-ache and resentment. __________________ If you are going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

08-20-2015, 03:54 AM	#1
Daisy Chain Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Hy calls me Hys Kitten Join Date: May 2015 Location: 2nd star to the right and straight on til morning Posts: 729 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,814 Thanked 1,809 Times in 447 Posts Rep Power: 0	Truthfully I know I am quite damaged through many experiences in life. But I can also say I have grown and healed a great deal in recent years, not least through the unconditional love and understanding from my loved one. I few I can think of straight off are....gifts: I used struggle to allow Hym to send me things.....in my crazy childhood I always had to `pay` in some way if I received anything, either material or a nice experience, attention etc....so I have a default emotion of fear when I am blessed or happy about something...I have come a long way in this. Hy has finally taught me that Hys attentions and generosity do not have a price tag. Another would be feeling `not good enough`....in many ways but one example would be that when we first found each other despite mailing and speaking on the phone for...wait for it.....maybe 6 months....it was only then I felt confident enough to send Hym my photo. It was all credit to Hym that despite asking a couple of times, when I stalled Hy would laugh and say it didnt matter as Hy adored me anyhow no matter what I looked like. There are quite a few more but to be honest I dont really want to visit that head space for long so I`ll leave it there.... I would happily say that I am far more whole and healed now than I was few years ago. Daisy

08-24-2015, 06:17 PM	#4
Tuff Stuff Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: May 2013 Location: California Posts: 695 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 904 Thanked 1,315 Times in 505 Posts Rep Power: 9408454	You know what hurts and left a huge hole in my heart...a Femme saying she's your soul mate and during some of the hardest times in your life she leaves you..not even a letter,a phone call,nothing...u just never hear from her,again. I haven't moved on from loving her...i'm still here if she ever wants to come back.

08-26-2015, 04:30 PM	#7
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,549 Times in 14,914 Posts Rep Power: 21474889	Being totally waylaid once again

09-28-2015, 07:59 PM	#10
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	My biggest fear of all is to fall for another active alcoholic/addict. I turned 59 years old this past summer and I am totally "relationshipped out!" Did that make sense? I mean I am finished with that portion of my life and do not miss it. I will not get involved ever again. I am quite content with this posture. When I am 80, old and gray, chewing a wad of tobacco and spitting it off the side of the porch, their will be probably a half dozen or so dogs under my porch snoozing. Sitting there just thinking of my pack, the love I have for them will be more happiness than I could ever dream of.