Caregivers and Stress

Zimmeh · 10-28-2015, 07:41 PM

I started caring for family members when I was 18 years old. A month after my 19th birthday, my grandma lost her battle with lung cancer. After I graduated from high school, my dad was diagnosed with heart problems. I took care of him until I was 28 years old, when he passed away from heart and respiratory failure. Nearly thirteen years later, I still have an issue with his death. It has caused me to suffer from depression and anxiety.

Zimmeh

ksrainbow · 10-28-2015, 07:57 PM

https://caregiver.org/taking-care-yo...ily-caregivers

ks-

Kelt · 01-04-2016, 03:43 PM

Things have actually been going along okay for a few months now. Mom really likes the place she is living and the people there. I'm relived to know that she has a car and driver (so she's off the road) is eating well, and has social support.

I've hired a couple of periodic "helpers" for things that her lack of short term memory impacts, and that is going well; also we are figuring out how to have a relationship with each other.

I am getting her caught up on deferred maintenance with all the medical folks and part of that was a mammogram that she'd forgotten about for four years. That led to them wanting more images because of tissue changes. No surprise, she's 84 after all but they wanted to be careful because she had breast cancer about 25 years ago.

Well, this morning they called to say they want a biopsy too so I set it up. I told Mom it was probably just old scar tissue or something so that she won't worry too much until we know what is what, but between you and I; I really hope it isn't back. This is a family that doesn't question that we die of cancer, just which variety.

2015 already had way too many "events", neither she nor I need to have anymore for a while.

I hope she's okay, we'll know more in a few days...

clay · 01-04-2016, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelt

<snip>

Well, this morning they called to say they want a biopsy too so I set it up. I told Mom it was probably just old scar tissue or something so that she won't worry too much until we know what is what, but between you and I; I really hope it isn't back. This is a family that doesn't question that we die of cancer, just which variety.

2015 already had way too many "events", neither she nor I need to have anymore for a while.

I hope she's okay, we'll know more in a few days...

(((((((((((((((((((((Kelt & Mom)))))))))))))))))))
I totally agree on "no more events for you two this year!!!

Please keep us posted and know you & she are in my thoughts. Will offer you both up to Universe for good news. Hang in there buddy!

TruTexan · 01-04-2016, 07:31 PM

Hey Kelt,
I hope and pray your mom's biopsy is normal. I know she and you both have had a rough going of things already. Please keep us informed, I'll keep your mom and you in my prayers.

Kelt · 01-12-2016, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelt

Things have actually been going along okay for a few months now. Mom really likes the place she is living and the people there. I'm relived to know that she has a car and driver (so she's off the road) is eating well, and has social support.

I've hired a couple of periodic "helpers" for things that her lack of short term memory impacts, and that is going well; also we are figuring out how to have a relationship with each other.

I am getting her caught up on deferred maintenance with all the medical folks and part of that was a mammogram that she'd forgotten about for four years. That led to them wanting more images because of tissue changes. No surprise, she's 84 after all but they wanted to be careful because she had breast cancer about 25 years ago.

Well, this morning they called to say they want a biopsy too so I set it up. I told Mom it was probably just old scar tissue or something so that she won't worry too much until we know what is what, but between you and I; I really hope it isn't back. This is a family that doesn't question that we die of cancer, just which variety.

2015 already had way too many "events", neither she nor I need to have anymore for a while.

I hope she's okay, we'll know more in a few days...

And the hits just keep on coming....

My mother has two tumors, both malignant, grade 3. The "cancer navigator" (team coordinator) just told me I WILL be there for a surgical meeting on the 21st.

I presume surgery in the next week during which I'm also scheduled for jury duty in my own state.

Obviously I will be there for whatever she needs. I just hope to find the reserves within myself that I thought were all used up to be at my best for her.

I'm still doing the paperwork on my fathers death as executor, the estate tax return is due this Friday, the nine month mark.

I just got her back after 30 years, I can't lose her now.

TruTexan · 01-12-2016, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelt

And the hits just keep on coming....

My mother has two tumors, both malignant, grade 3. The "cancer navigator" (team coordinator) just told me I WILL be there for a surgical meeting on the 21st.

I presume surgery in the next week during which I'm also scheduled for jury duty in my own state.

Obviously I will be there for whatever she needs. I just hope to find the reserves within myself that I thought were all used up to be at my best for her.

I'm still doing the paperwork on my fathers death as executor, the estate tax return is due this Friday, the nine month mark.

I just got her back after 30 years, I can't lose her now.

I'm truly sorry to hear this Kelt. I wish there was more I could say or do. I'll definitely keep you and your mom in my prayers. Hang in there.

DapperButch · 01-12-2016, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelt

And the hits just keep on coming....

My mother has two tumors, both malignant, grade 3. The "cancer navigator" (team coordinator) just told me I WILL be there for a surgical meeting on the 21st.

I presume surgery in the next week during which I'm also scheduled for jury duty in my own state.

Obviously I will be there for whatever she needs. I just hope to find the reserves within myself that I thought were all used up to be at my best for her.

I'm still doing the paperwork on my fathers death as executor, the estate tax return is due this Friday, the nine month mark.

I just got her back after 30 years, I can't lose her now.

Oh, my friend, I'm so sorry. Day at a time. All you can do is what you can do. One foot in front of the other. Repeat.

I'm here for you, pal.

clay · 01-12-2016, 10:11 PM

Kelt....I am so sorry you are having to endure this on top of all else and am sending you & mom both hugs. I will keep you both close in my heart & wishes for a good outcome. Take care my friend!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelt

And the hits just keep on coming....

My mother has two tumors, both malignant, grade 3. The "cancer navigator" (team coordinator) just told me I WILL be there for a surgical meeting on the 21st.

I presume surgery in the next week during which I'm also scheduled for jury duty in my own state.

Obviously I will be there for whatever she needs. I just hope to find the reserves within myself that I thought were all used up to be at my best for her.

I'm still doing the paperwork on my fathers death as executor, the estate tax return is due this Friday, the nine month mark.

I just got her back after 30 years, I can't lose her now.

Kätzchen · 01-19-2016, 11:24 PM

It seems like I have been a caregiver since as far back as I can remember. I've cared and given care not only to both my sons, who've both had they're own sets of challenging issues, but was caregiver and chief overseer of my siblings, at such a very young age -- up until the time I just couldn't do it anymore.

This year marks another time in my life where I've got my mother who's got herself painted into a proverbial corner, she's elderly, can't take it anymore the caregiver role she's held actively all her life, both professionally as a nurse and as chief overseer of three siblings of mine who have had challenges most all their lives, much like the scenarios both my son's face, except stark racial differences in the case of my sons, rather than as not so visible in the case of my three siblings.

I hate secrets. I'm not good at keeping secrets. My mom told me something tonight and told me to not say a word...to the person, my sibling who is culpable of what she's said to me.

I guess where I'm going with this is that care giving isn't always a physical concept. That care giving roles can wander into the non-physical realm. Which is a tricky place to be, when faced with not wanting to keep secrets....which in the case of my mother, keeping secrets is valued highly. I can't keep secrets. To me, that's allowing unhealthy cycles of behaviors the latitude to become more entrenched in abuse based behaviors and in styles of communication.

I can't be a party to keeping secrets. It's not okay. To me, it's not healthy. It's a toxic part of cycles of abuse and in order to break the cycle of both abuse and it's more silent role in care giving, as it's been in roles of care giving for both my mother and I, then I have to find a way to effectively not be party to this kind of behavior, which finds a comfortable home in the way care giving has always been practiced between my mother and I and with my siblings and my sons.

I feel so incredibly stressed out. I've got my mom's dire situation on one side, my son's dire situations on another side, then there's me. My own dire situation which based in physical and mental health, my own emotional well being is at stake.

And all I can do right now, is make sure I'm taking care of me FIRST by getting enough food to eat, enough rest and deep sleep, and being as thoughtful as I can where my own sanity is at stake.

I've been shoring up my boundaries because it takes a lot of energy to make sure I give myself the level of care I deserve and need to remain healthy and cognizant of all that is before me, each day of life I am grateful to have.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but today I did my very best at caring for me.

One day at a time.

Some days, it's one breath at a time.

Living moment by moment, believing in my ability to care precisely for me, is probably one of the best things I've done for myself since I came to realize how important it is for me to take care of me.

Gayandgray · 01-20-2016, 08:42 AM

Hey there, I can relate to your situation as I'm a caregiver to my spouse, plus work fulltime as a caregiver. Finding ME time can be hard! I'm on a caregiver support group online that has really helped me a lot. There are good days and bad days. Like you said, take one day at a time and some days (like today) one breath at a time, too! If we don't take care of ourselves then we will get burnt out.

10-28-2015, 07:41 PM	#1
Zimmeh Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Me Relationship Status: I am a human and not a possession Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southern Volusia County, FL Posts: 6,746 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 23,549 Thanked 13,441 Times in 4,317 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I started caring for family members when I was 18 years old. A month after my 19th birthday, my grandma lost her battle with lung cancer. After I graduated from high school, my dad was diagnosed with heart problems. I took care of him until I was 28 years old, when he passed away from heart and respiratory failure. Nearly thirteen years later, I still have an issue with his death. It has caused me to suffer from depression and anxiety. Zimmeh __________________ "A loving heart is the truest wisdom" -Chinua Achebe

10-28-2015, 07:57 PM	#2
ksrainbow Member How Do You Identify?: Valued Relationship Status: UNO Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Kansas Posts: 774 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,759 Thanked 2,193 Times in 574 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	an insightful link: https://caregiver.org/taking-care-yo...ily-caregivers ks-

01-04-2016, 07:31 PM	#5
TruTexan Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: in a one horse town in a large state, in the U.S. Posts: 3,952 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 5,268 Times in 1,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Hey Kelt, I hope and pray your mom's biopsy is normal. I know she and you both have had a rough going of things already. Please keep us informed, I'll keep your mom and you in my prayers. __________________

01-19-2016, 11:24 PM	#10
Kätzchen Member How Do You Identify?: As a very feminine woman. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Sailing in a wooden shoe with Wynken, Blinkyn, and Nod. Posts: 16,250 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,404 Thanked 33,625 Times in 10,718 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	It seems like I have been a caregiver since as far back as I can remember. I've cared and given care not only to both my sons, who've both had they're own sets of challenging issues, but was caregiver and chief overseer of my siblings, at such a very young age -- up until the time I just couldn't do it anymore. This year marks another time in my life where I've got my mother who's got herself painted into a proverbial corner, she's elderly, can't take it anymore the caregiver role she's held actively all her life, both professionally as a nurse and as chief overseer of three siblings of mine who have had challenges most all their lives, much like the scenarios both my son's face, except stark racial differences in the case of my sons, rather than as not so visible in the case of my three siblings. I hate secrets. I'm not good at keeping secrets. My mom told me something tonight and told me to not say a word...to the person, my sibling who is culpable of what she's said to me. I guess where I'm going with this is that care giving isn't always a physical concept. That care giving roles can wander into the non-physical realm. Which is a tricky place to be, when faced with not wanting to keep secrets....which in the case of my mother, keeping secrets is valued highly. I can't keep secrets. To me, that's allowing unhealthy cycles of behaviors the latitude to become more entrenched in abuse based behaviors and in styles of communication. I can't be a party to keeping secrets. It's not okay. To me, it's not healthy. It's a toxic part of cycles of abuse and in order to break the cycle of both abuse and it's more silent role in care giving, as it's been in roles of care giving for both my mother and I, then I have to find a way to effectively not be party to this kind of behavior, which finds a comfortable home in the way care giving has always been practiced between my mother and I and with my siblings and my sons. I feel so incredibly stressed out. I've got my mom's dire situation on one side, my son's dire situations on another side, then there's me. My own dire situation which based in physical and mental health, my own emotional well being is at stake. And all I can do right now, is make sure I'm taking care of me FIRST by getting enough food to eat, enough rest and deep sleep, and being as thoughtful as I can where my own sanity is at stake. I've been shoring up my boundaries because it takes a lot of energy to make sure I give myself the level of care I deserve and need to remain healthy and cognizant of all that is before me, each day of life I am grateful to have. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but today I did my very best at caring for me. One day at a time. Some days, it's one breath at a time. Living moment by moment, believing in my ability to care precisely for me, is probably one of the best things I've done for myself since I came to realize how important it is for me to take care of me. __________________ “The way someone treats you is not a reflection of your worth: It’s a reflection of their emotional capacity,” — Jillian Turecki.

01-20-2016, 08:42 AM	#11
Gayandgray Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme-ish, tomboy lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Together a really long time Join Date: Jan 2016 Location: In my mind? On a tropical island Posts: 4,862 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,584 Thanked 12,885 Times in 3,081 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Hey there, I can relate to your situation as I'm a caregiver to my spouse, plus work fulltime as a caregiver. Finding ME time can be hard! I'm on a caregiver support group online that has really helped me a lot. There are good days and bad days. Like you said, take one day at a time and some days (like today) one breath at a time, too! If we don't take care of ourselves then we will get burnt out. __________________

01-04-2016, 03:43 PM	#3
Kelt Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Beach Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: SoCal Posts: 2,751 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,765 Thanked 15,274 Times in 2,538 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Things have actually been going along okay for a few months now. Mom really likes the place she is living and the people there. I'm relived to know that she has a car and driver (so she's off the road) is eating well, and has social support. I've hired a couple of periodic "helpers" for things that her lack of short term memory impacts, and that is going well; also we are figuring out how to have a relationship with each other. I am getting her caught up on deferred maintenance with all the medical folks and part of that was a mammogram that she'd forgotten about for four years. That led to them wanting more images because of tissue changes. No surprise, she's 84 after all but they wanted to be careful because she had breast cancer about 25 years ago. Well, this morning they called to say they want a biopsy too so I set it up. I told Mom it was probably just old scar tissue or something so that she won't worry too much until we know what is what, but between you and I; I really hope it isn't back. This is a family that doesn't question that we die of cancer, just which variety. 2015 already had way too many "events", neither she nor I need to have anymore for a while. I hope she's okay, we'll know more in a few days...