What Cracked You Up Today?

[Blade]

This actually happened Friday evening. On the way home from going out to eat Daddy told Moma to drive. It is his van and she has never driven it. About half way home
Him: turn the lights on

Her: why don't they come on automatically, mine do

Him: well this aint your's it's mine.

Her: where is the light switch

Him: on the dash

OK at this point she turns a knob on the left of the steering column. This gosh awful noise comes from the back of the van I think the transmission is falling out. Then the windshield wipers on the front glass come on. I start dying laughing.

Him: turn the wipers off and for God sake turn the back one off that is a $40 blade.

Her: I don't know how I turned it on, where's the lights?

mean while this terrible grinding is still going on in the back and it is the back windshield wiper dragging across a dry windshield. By now we are all cracked up and dying laughing. Moma is making hen sounds like she is laying eggs, Daddy is laughing and cussing enough to give a preacher goose bumps and I am laughing so hard by now tears are running down my face.

Him: pull over down here, you don't know how to drive you gonna tear my van up. THE DASH THE DASH, the light switch is on the DASH.

Her: OK OK and finally pulls the light switch

Still the wipers are back and forth across that back windsheild. Finally she pulled over and I went around and turned them off. Yes there is never a dull moment with them.

[pajama]

What I can remember of last night.

[Queerasfck]

apretty watching Mildred Pierce. Oy.

[CrankyOldGuy]

Watching Betty White on SNL!

[UofMfan]

A story I just heard on the phone

[always2late]

A friend forwarded this to me:

This is brilliant! We need more Prof's with a sense of humor like this one.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

[AzDesertRunner]

Thanks for sharing this! I used to listen to Dr Laura years ago, not because I agreed with her but because you just never knew what kind of non sense she would come up with!
This brought back memories and once again made me laugh!

[Enchantress]

While speaking with my grandmother she referred to me as "Butch" in a sentence. It's something that my grandpa used to say. As in:

You know it butch! It was funny on a couple of different levels (for obvious reasons). It also brought back memories of fun with my grandmpa Jim.

[Lillie]

watching one of my residents try to eat her bingo chips as she always does on Tuesday Bingo day..but was SHOCKED when I secretly replaced them with ritz crackers!...

mwahahahahah


I love you stella and your face was priceless today!


Lillie

[JustBeingMe]

Reading some of the posts in the TMI Thread that was started today.

[Lady Pamela]

My two 3 year old grandsons were playing a game,

WHO COULD STUFF THE MOST POPCORN KERNELS IN EACH NOSTRAL!!!

This of course resulted in an er trip to make sure they were all out.

But they were trying to originally put em in..hold the one side of the nose,
Then blow em out...the game was who could do it further.....sheeesh!

Never a dull moment!...lol

[Blade]

ICE in the hot tub

[Kenna]

How Funny Is This?
I was cleaning out ANOTHER box..this one had red letters on the outside that said "My Dresser"... I found some "girly girl" stuff from years ago, a PART of my dresser (wood that needs glued back on), a couple candles.... AND.... A "New & Improved TruGrip Oil Filter Wrench".

Typical me... what can I say?

[Blade]

THAT DAMN SNAKE IS BACK, he thinks he actually lives here. Maybe I should put him a mailbox up outside.