Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by betruetoyoursoul

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Here is a new film, a documentary, being made by a friend of a friend.
It's called "Apartners" which I believe is also a new term for it. She says on her film site that 25% of all couples in North America have their own room (common) and that 10% of all couples in North America prefer to live apart (that's the old gayer stats no? Maybe more will come out!)

Anyway, here's a link to her film website

http://apartnersthemovie.com/HOME.html

[C0LLETTE]

I wonder how many "apartners" have children, particularly young ones.

Living apart is sometimes a choice for those with children because they realise how difficult or disruptive introducing an "outsider" (with or without their own children ) can be...so they choose to wait.

Also, I have found that partners without children of their own often have difficulty finding their place in such a "family" . My own experience is that successful "step parenting" is a very particular and somewhat rare skill and can be far more difficult than parenting. and the introduction of the new partner often leads to the parent finding themselves in the middle of an unhappy series of conflicts which they sometimes resolve by splitting up or simply living apartnered till the children are no longer dependants.

Without generalising too too much:

When you're Young there can be many choices: if not this one, maybe the next one...you don't have that much stuff to move anyway.

In the Middle there can be many complexities and you better hope you've figured out who you are and, equally, who that other person is...particularly if you have responsibilities beyond yourself; or one day you lost your mind and opened a joint bank account, and, more importantly, you lost the allen key for your Ikea furniture.

In the Older Years, you are far better off partnering up even if it isn't made in Heaven cause there's nothing worse than lying on the kitchen floor just out of reach of your Panic Bracelet with your hungry Chihuahua starting to chew your leg off.

Personally, I'd pick a live-in partner with a sense of humour over the kids any day.

Mommy's joking, Honey xoxoxoxoxoxo

[easygoingfemme]

My last relationship was like this. We were together for three years. Living in different towns, each of us with our kids at home. We shared a house most weekends, and went our own way during the week. In many ways, it worked for us- like each of us liking/needing to have our own space for our own personalities, too many kids to merge and no desire to uproot them either, and in other ways it was hard. We didn't live close enough to each other to be able to meet up mid-week or something if one of us was in need- having a hard time. That kind of thing.

[girlin2une]

I have always made my kids priority while considering dating, because they are just that... my priority.
That being said, I am open to what the universe has for me... if that means a long distance relationship, then so be it. I am pretty flexible. I am femme () I would want to co-habitate (when/if the time came). It would be more consistent for any child involved, thus giving everyone involved more stability.
My children will always be part of the package and my potential partner will have to accept it. Hopefully a potential partner will want to incorporate parenting into the mix... because its not always easy being a single parent.

this has been a bit of a ramble... my thoughts were all over the place.

[betruetoyoursoul]

.... My humble apologies...

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[MysticOceansFL]

I prefer living with my partner but while your dating rather it be the same town or Ldr's living apart is fine but at some point both people will want to take it to the next level at some point and living together just seems natural too me.

[Gráinne]

I definitely fit 40+, kids almost grown stage and will only consider a LAT. For one thing, I travel a lot, prefer to travel alone, and so from my partner's perspective, it would be like a LAT even if we did live together.

I love having my home reflect who I am, and don't want to "blend".

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

One advantage to getting older is that you just don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about your relationship, so I (if I were in one) wouldn't care what it looks like, booty call or not. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business.

As for the scenario of injuring myself far from a phone, there are little necklaces with a panic button on them that alerts 911.

As a side note, what interests me on a sociological level is how quickly lesbian or gay couples move in together vs. heterosexual couples. I know there are a lot of variables, but while I personally don't know of many unmarried yet committed heterosexual couples who live together, it seems to be a "goal" for many in same-sex relationships.

[nycfem]

Hi folks, this is a support thread for LATs and those that are interested, not a place for people to post that they don't want LAT. We will be changing the title of the thread so that it is more clear.

Jennifer, Mod

[imperfect_cupcake]

Thanks

I should have been clearer.

So, what things have you done in previous LATs or one you are in now, or things you will take forward into the next one to help it run smoothly? There are oodles of tips on how to live together, lots on ldrs, but not quite much out there for LATs.

I guess the main point for me has been how much stuff of you partner's/spouse do you want at your space and vice versa? And how many days together to spend in a row?

[imperfect_cupcake]

As for partner's/spouse's things... I generally have no issue and feel just fine with giving them a night table, one drawer in the dresser, a section of the bedroom closet, and a shelf in the medicine cabinet and keeping some of their favourite snack foods on hand in the cupboard - if they need that much space.

I personally prefer to keep very little of my stuff at theirs. A drawer for relaxed about the house clothes, pjs, travel make up, a change of shoes. And a place in the bathroom for travel toiletry bag to be hung when there (otherwise zipped and in drawer). I like their place to feel like a little holiday place for me with them, rather than another home I have to look after.

[Orema]

Like Gráinne, I really like my home and don't want to blend with someone else. It takes me a long time to fully decorate a home. I've been here for years and still have a bare wall or two because I haven't found or created what I want. Whatever the case, I'd rather have a bare wall than to have something there that isn't what I really want. That's a small quirk, but I dont' want to compromise my small quirks if I don't have to. And I don't have to when I live on my own.

Like ICC, I don't want to be "responsible" for another in a living situation; I might walk your dog or empty your dishwasher, but it's nothing I'm required or expected to do. But more than that, I like living by myself. I like having a space that I don't have to compromise with anyone.

Apart from now, the last time I lived on my own was in the early 1980s for three years. It was great. I openly dated many people. Sometimes I stayed at their place and sometimes we'd stay at mine. Eventually I started seeing one of those people exclusively and we got married and moved in together.

I'd consider getting married again, maybe, but I won't live with anyone again.

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Orema

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

I've thought about that. I'd love to have a community of tiny houses with about 8-12 people in their own single dwelling abodes. I'd happily partner with someone in that community. But I'd need it to be urban. Hard to find land for that in an urban landscape.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Gráinne

...

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

....

I've used similar examples when explaining why I prefer to live alone, but mine include: if I want to drink a pot of coffee at 2am, I can, and I don't have to explain it or defend it to anyone. If I want to eat toast for dinner, I don't have to worry about, or be involved in whatever the other person is going to eat. If I want to turn on the air conditioner when it's 60 degrees outside, I can. Essentially, I want my living space to be my own, and I don't want to have to justify simple actions (like drinking an entire pot of coffee) to anyone, or compromise on having the curtains open or closed, or having a pet or not, or eating breakfast or not, etc. etc. etc. etc..

I enjoy my own company, and I'm extremely self-sufficient, so I'm sure that factors into it. Most people don't get it. Most of us are socialized to find a partner, get married, live together, have kids, etc. I've not big on following social norms, so I'm sure that factors into it as well.

[Chad]

I actually think this plan would work well for me. I love my alone time. I have been in long relationships that were very successful living apart for years but when we moved in together things seem to fall apart.

I am giving this idea two thumbs up.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

I'm totally ready for a new LTR, and though I've had a few really nice ones over the years, I've never felt compelled to live with anyone since the early 90's.
I'm so busy with projects, work, friends and community stuff, I think having someone live with me at my house would make me feel neglectful, like I'd have to give up something I enjoy so I could spend time just hanging out with her, then wind up feeling conflicted.
To me, being in a monogamous LTR while living in different homes would be like dating, and that would be exciting. When we'd choose to be together, it would be fun to give each other our undivided attention, and when we'd ask what's new, we'd actually have new stuff to talk about.
At her place, I would never throw my shoes in 'the wrong place' or shave my legs in the living room so I could watch TV. At my place, she would be less likely to go into my studio and use my delicate pens that are only for certain media, then leave the caps off once she finished writing a to do list on some scratchy, pen demolishing paper (Horrors!).
It's not selfish to want alone time, IMHO. In a LTR, I'm sure I'd want to be with her often, especially overnight, but there is something to be said for, "letting the winds of heaven dance between us" at regular intervals.
Great topic!