Is there a space for women like me?

dreadgeek · 04-04-2016, 01:29 AM

This is the first time I've spoken about this publicly. Twenty years ago, I met this butch who rang my little power-femme bell six ways from Sunday. Sam was magnificent. A little taller than me, thick and healthy, short hair, and very very smart. He was moving to Berkeley to attend seminary there.

Right around the end of our first year, he started making noises about transition. I didn't want him to but, of course, given that I had done my own transition only four years prior to meeting him, I couldn't stand in his way. But lesbian was then (and still is) a core identity for me and I couldn't tell myself that we weren't really a heterosexual couple. Being part of what we euphemistically called the women's community was a very important thing for me in my late twenties and early thirties. I wanted my butch, I didn't want a man!

So I broke up with him. I felt guilty for a few years. Then I had the last two women I got interested in while still in SF say that we're I post operative than my being a trans woman wouldn't matter but lesbian meant a lot to them, and while they saw me as a woman they saw my body--well one very specific part--as not. They both said they would probably regret it at some point but I hope not. It's flattering that they said it, but I wish them no ill. How could I? Hadn't I just done the same thing a few years before to Sam? Yes.

I haven't spoken about this because, for the first decade or so, I was ashamed and for the last decade I was afraid of being labeled transphobic. But having finally come out publicly as trans because surgery is so close, I feel I can say this. Leaving Sam, taking him at his word that he is every bit a man as I am a woman was the least transphobic thing I could do. It meant I took him as a man not as a 'man'. If nature hadn't given me the mother-of-all-birth-defects, and I had married a man and then realized I was a lesbian we'd have divorced for the same reason that I had to leave Sean.

It was the only way I could be true to myself, honor Sam being true to himself, and not advocating a position that does violence to the language.

bright_arrow · 05-17-2017, 11:24 PM

I am bumping this because I feel like it is an important thread.

girl_dee · 05-18-2017, 05:40 AM

It is important!!

I am one femme who loves her butches just the way they were born.

I love them for where they came, who they are now, and the long road in between.

Femminator · 05-19-2017, 07:05 PM

I am glad this thread exists. I am married to a handsome MOC Butch, who recently(last year) brought up that they "don't know where they fit on the Butch spectrum" That son turned to "I don't like my breasts" and "I don't feel female, but not male either". They have settled on Nonbinary Butch. I am struggling with the possible T usage coming up and the body hair sure to follow, but I love my Butches masculinity and want them to be happy with who they are. I worry all the time because they don't look female 100% but they don't pass for the males bathroom either. I love them for who they are an always will.

girl_dee · 05-19-2017, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Femminator

I am glad this thread exists. I am married to a handsome MOC Butch, who recently(last year) brought up that they "don't know where they fit on the Butch spectrum" That son turned to "I don't like my breasts" and "I don't feel female, but not male either". They have settled on Nonbinary Butch. I am struggling with the possible T usage coming up and the body hair sure to follow, but I love my Butches masculinity and want them to be happy with who they are. I worry all the time because they don't look female 100% but they don't pass for the males bathroom either. I love them for who they are an always will.

i get this, i would struggle too.

04-04-2016, 01:29 AM	#1
dreadgeek Power Femme How Do You Identify?: Cinnamon spiced, caramel colored, power-femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to a wonderful horse girl Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Lat: 45.60 Lon: -122.60 Posts: 1,733 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,132 Thanked 6,841 Times in 1,493 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	A Femme and Her Butch This is the first time I've spoken about this publicly. Twenty years ago, I met this butch who rang my little power-femme bell six ways from Sunday. Sam was magnificent. A little taller than me, thick and healthy, short hair, and very very smart. He was moving to Berkeley to attend seminary there. Right around the end of our first year, he started making noises about transition. I didn't want him to but, of course, given that I had done my own transition only four years prior to meeting him, I couldn't stand in his way. But lesbian was then (and still is) a core identity for me and I couldn't tell myself that we weren't really a heterosexual couple. Being part of what we euphemistically called the women's community was a very important thing for me in my late twenties and early thirties. I wanted my butch, I didn't want a man! So I broke up with him. I felt guilty for a few years. Then I had the last two women I got interested in while still in SF say that we're I post operative than my being a trans woman wouldn't matter but lesbian meant a lot to them, and while they saw me as a woman they saw my body--well one very specific part--as not. They both said they would probably regret it at some point but I hope not. It's flattering that they said it, but I wish them no ill. How could I? Hadn't I just done the same thing a few years before to Sam? Yes. I haven't spoken about this because, for the first decade or so, I was ashamed and for the last decade I was afraid of being labeled transphobic. But having finally come out publicly as trans because surgery is so close, I feel I can say this. Leaving Sam, taking him at his word that he is every bit a man as I am a woman was the least transphobic thing I could do. It meant I took him as a man not as a 'man'. If nature hadn't given me the mother-of-all-birth-defects, and I had married a man and then realized I was a lesbian we'd have divorced for the same reason that I had to leave Sean. It was the only way I could be true to myself, honor Sam being true to himself, and not advocating a position that does violence to the language. __________________ Proud member of the reality-based community. "People on the side of The People always ended up disappointed, in any case. They found that The People tended not to be grateful or appreciative or forward-thinking or obedient. The People tended to be small-minded and conservative and not very clever and were even distrustful of cleverness. And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn’t that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people. As soon as you saw people as things to be measured, they didn’t measure up." (Terry Pratchett)

05-19-2017, 07:05 PM	#4
Femminator Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Preferred Pronoun?: feminine pronouns Relationship Status: Married, but not legally in my state! Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Michigan Posts: 99 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 288 Thanked 444 Times in 91 Posts Rep Power: 2084268	I am glad this thread exists. I am married to a handsome MOC Butch, who recently(last year) brought up that they "don't know where they fit on the Butch spectrum" That son turned to "I don't like my breasts" and "I don't feel female, but not male either". They have settled on Nonbinary Butch. I am struggling with the possible T usage coming up and the body hair sure to follow, but I love my Butches masculinity and want them to be happy with who they are. I worry all the time because they don't look female 100% but they don't pass for the males bathroom either. I love them for who they are an always will. __________________ Be the change you wish to see in the world - Ghandi

05-17-2017, 11:24 PM	#2
bright_arrow ☆ the stars are aligned ☆ How Do You Identify?: one queer mama Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: married to my Boo Daddy <3 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: nor cal Posts: 2,910 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,644 Thanked 9,363 Times in 2,296 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I am bumping this because I feel like it is an important thread.

05-18-2017, 05:40 AM	#3
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	It is important!! I am one femme who loves her butches just the way they were born. I love them for where they came, who they are now, and the long road in between.