What Cracked You Up Today?

[UofMfan]

A story I just heard on the phone

[always2late]

A friend forwarded this to me:

This is brilliant! We need more Prof's with a sense of humor like this one.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

[Enchantress]

While speaking with my grandmother she referred to me as "Butch" in a sentence. It's something that my grandpa used to say. As in:

You know it butch! It was funny on a couple of different levels (for obvious reasons). It also brought back memories of fun with my grandmpa Jim.

[AzDesertRunner]

Thanks for sharing this! I used to listen to Dr Laura years ago, not because I agreed with her but because you just never knew what kind of non sense she would come up with!
This brought back memories and once again made me laugh!

[Shadowboi2010]

Watching a YouTube video of people falling! Love it!

[Lillie]

watching one of my residents try to eat her bingo chips as she always does on Tuesday Bingo day..but was SHOCKED when I secretly replaced them with ritz crackers!...

mwahahahahah


I love you stella and your face was priceless today!


Lillie

[Kenna]

I was trying to set an appointment for a particular customer today...

in her really REALLY shrill voice (that I first thought was my boss playing a trick) she tells me - make that YELLS at me- that Tuesdays and Wednesdays wouldn't work for her because she's "over 90 years old and still goes golfing on Tuesday and Wednesday, but it is just too damn cold to go today... I'm 90 years old, I can't be out in this 40 degree weather, it's just too damn cold today!!!! But next Tuesday you bet I will be at the Country Club!!"

When I asked her what day would work for her other than Tuesday or Wednesday, she yelled in an ear piercing shrill voice "Honey, I TOLD you I was hard of hearing, are you too? I said Tuesday and Wednesdays wouldn't work for me! I just have to have someone clean those whirly gigs out of my gutters!! I can't have my grandson do it, he's worthless!! Can you come on another day OTHER than Tuesday or Wednesday? I might be 90 years old, but I still get out and golf EVERY week!!" by this time, I'm sitting at my desk with the phone in one hand OUT from my ear...and my forehead in my other hand wondering when she was gonna hush so I could approach this from a different angle.


What cracked me up even more....was when I told the entire, full story complete with animations and mimics of her shrill voice to Mom... watching Mom crack up so hard she had tears!! I had her reaching for the tissues and holding her ribs!!

"But I just got to get to the Country Club honey!! Come get those whirly giggs out of my gutters! I can't stand whirly giggs! Hey honey, have you ever gone golfing before? I tell ya, it's good for the blood and old knees!"

OMG!! I better NOT find out that was the boss playing a trick!!

[SuperFemme]

Just about everything, but high up on the list was my overuse of the word PieHole today.

I may have used it in therapy.

[UofMfan]

I stole this joke from a guy who posted it on TPM's FB page:


Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini." ... See More

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says,

"What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 60."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, you people still happy you voted for Palin?"

[SuperFemme]

UofMans post just made me spit water. Thanks for that.

[UofMfan]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

UofMans post just made me spit water. Thanks for that.

I aim to please.

BTW, just like June you are missing an F in my nick. Can you just call me "U"? I mean, we are tight right?

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by UofMfan

I aim to please.

BTW, just like June you are missing an F in my nick. Can you just call me "U"? I mean, we are tight right?

Oh. My. Gay. Now I just died a thousand deaths. Somebody hold me.

[UofMfan]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Oh. My. Gay. Now I just died a thousand deaths. Somebody hold me.

I have that effect on women

[adorable]

Istambabwe

Peanut butter

15 minute windows

Being sick in bed

A meanie pirate

[KayCee]

[Soon]

[Diva]

My daughter ~ who hasn't quite learned how to cook/bake yet (having a step-mother who calls "good ol' home cookin' " STOUFFER'S) is learning now.....I'm enabling her to fail if she has to do that....

But right now, she's decided she wants to try her hand at chocolate chip cookies and has never used a mixer. I have a big ol' KitchenAide and she's afraid of it....

She can't hear me laughing....she is SOOOOOOO cute!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Diva

My daughter ~ who hasn't quite learned how to cook/bake yet (having a step-mother who calls "good ol' home cookin' " STOUFFER'S) is learning now.....I'm enabling her to fail if she has to do that....

But right now, she's decided she wants to try her hand at chocolate chip cookies and has never used a mixer. I have a big ol' KitchenAide and she's afraid of it....

She can't hear me laughing....she is SOOOOOOO cute!

Well, it's a big hunka burnin' food love machiney thingy you got there, missy miss.

Nobody makes cc cookies like you do, but I won't tell her that.

[PinkieLee]

Talking with my honey about the Reunion and what she wants to do while she is in Little Rock. Her answer.... go see the Duggars (from 19 kids and counting).

OH MY GAY ~ too much reality tv.

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Talking with my honey about the Reunion and what she wants to do while she is in Little Rock. Her answer.... go see the Duggars (from 19 kids and counting).

OH MY GAY ~ too much reality tv.

They are actually renting a house that is about 4 miles from the hotel

Wanna go on a widdle field trip?!