How we grieve

MsTinkerbelly · 11-06-2016, 11:34 PM

For those of us who grieve...posted before in this thread

Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love.

Author unknown

RockOn · 11-07-2016, 03:03 AM

I was told back in the late 80s by a counselor that I did not know how to grieve. Even after all these years, I still think she is right.

My mom passed in '84. I took care of her, spent all but one night in the hospital with her the last year when she would check in for a treatment. When she died, I did not know what to do with myself. I worked ( of course ) while she was sick ... so I worked harder after ahe passed. And not just at my job but I pressed my limits in hard outdoor physical work. I always do that outdoor extra hard work when I hurt. If I can wear myself out, I flop into bed and fall asleep immediately.

Charlie (father) passed in summer of 2011. I did not know about his death until a month or so afterwards. I did not care one way or the other. I know that sounds callous but he was always on a regular basis an extremely physically abusive person. Never sexually, only with beatings. Here was the best I could conjure up about him. I hoped he did not linger and suffer alone. To this day, I do not know his cause of death. I could get a copy of his death certificate if I wanted that information but I don't see any need to inquire.

When I lose a dog, that is the most prolonged sadness I have ever dealt with ... it never ever goes away. Each one leaves a pawprint on my heart. When I moved last summer, I found some of my beloved Kelly's belongings, some of her baby toys. When I saw them, I felt like I had been mowed down by a sixteen wheeler. I had to work physically so hard for awhile but I cannot shake that type of loss of kinship pain E-V-E-R! A dog's love is forever. Their actions and demonstrations of love are sincere. You can always depend on them.

Hugs to all who struggle with grief.

Tiffany Aching · 11-07-2016, 06:03 PM

I visited this site only once on a whim, ages ago. And tonight, I thought of it, and out of curiosity and having something to do, I came again.

Interestingly, one of the trending topics is this. And it just jumped out.

I have lost my mother 2 weeks ago. She has been struggling with health, and its possible that if doctors reacted in timely manner that she would be still here (and this was admitted to me by professionals). I am wrecked with guilt for not being more assertive and finding the right help at the time.

She was my best friend, the person whom I admired the most, who unfortunately had a very hard life and was suffering terrible chronic pain most of her life that couldnt be helped due to various reasons.

I keep thinking every day " I should call mum" and that sudden realization that I can't hits me in the gut and I am not able to breathe.

I didn't cry at the funeral. It was like I wasn't even there, cuz I knew SHE wasn't there, just her body.

I even managed to sing, pitch perfect, I have no idea how, at her funeral. And that was because, 5 days before she died, she told me, the lovely spirit she was, even in all that pain "hey darling why dont you sing for me" and I told her I wasn't in the mood and didn't. And now I curse my self for it.

This grief is so all-consuming and at the same time I feel like its not real, like this is some parallel universe, and I am stuck in one where the doctors didn't help, and there is the other, where everything was sorted, like it should have been.

Noone ever loved me like she did, and nobody ever had such zest for life, despite everything that happened to them, and I feel she was ultimately betrayed, her hope, optimism, yearn for knowledge, everything she wanted and could have done.

I keep thinking of everything I will not be able to share with her.

She wanted to live so much, and she coped with so much, and at the end, all the hope was just gone due to incompetence and lack of interest for someone who is over 65. I wish there was no hope and that she couldn't have been helped, that would at least give me some solace.

This way, I am just left with emptiness and lost chances.

Mind how you go, mum.

deeds · 11-07-2016, 10:06 PM

Tiffany-This is only one reason I advocate for G-d and marijuana instead of doctors and pills..Many elderly people have gone this way over the past 32 years I know of.

All I can say to you is..We never, ever die..Think quantum and energy..I bet your mama suffers still to feel you hurting so bad..That's why I eventually learned truth about life after death..I didnt want my dad and brother see me in so much pain..

I do hope you feel better soon..

RockOn · 11-09-2016, 01:10 PM

Your loss is so open and fresh.

I am so sorry.

~ocean · 11-09-2016, 02:51 PM

(((((( tiffany )))))) so sry u had to deal with incompetent doctors ~ we r conditioned to trust their judgement ~ don't blame yourself for their negligence ~ carrying that unjustified guilt will ruin your chances to be truly happy in your life ~ your mom would not want that. (tears in heaven comes to mind ) from what u have said you both were close to one another

your a good daughter special to her in many ways ~ celebrate that love by passing it on ~ it takes time.

11-07-2016, 10:06 PM	#4
deeds Senior Member How Do You Identify?: G-d made Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,588 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 711 Thanked 403 Times in 255 Posts Rep Power: 7194440	Tiffany-This is only one reason I advocate for G-d and marijuana instead of doctors and pills..Many elderly people have gone this way over the past 32 years I know of. All I can say to you is..We never, ever die..Think quantum and energy..I bet your mama suffers still to feel you hurting so bad..That's why I eventually learned truth about life after death..I didnt want my dad and brother see me in so much pain.. I do hope you feel better soon.. __________________

11-09-2016, 01:10 PM	#5
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	reply to Tiffany Aching Your loss is so open and fresh. I am so sorry.

11-09-2016, 02:51 PM	#6
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,012 Times in 4,723 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	~ (((((( tiffany )))))) so sry u had to deal with incompetent doctors ~ we r conditioned to trust their judgement ~ don't blame yourself for their negligence ~ carrying that unjustified guilt will ruin your chances to be truly happy in your life ~ your mom would not want that. (tears in heaven comes to mind ) from what u have said you both were close to one another your a good daughter special to her in many ways ~ celebrate that love by passing it on ~ it takes time. __________________ ~ Always, ocean

11-06-2016, 11:34 PM	#1
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,897 Times in 5,017 Posts Rep Power: 0	For those of us who grieve...posted before in this thread Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love. Author unknown

11-07-2016, 03:03 AM	#2
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I was told back in the late 80s by a counselor that I did not know how to grieve. Even after all these years, I still think she is right. My mom passed in '84. I took care of her, spent all but one night in the hospital with her the last year when she would check in for a treatment. When she died, I did not know what to do with myself. I worked ( of course ) while she was sick ... so I worked harder after ahe passed. And not just at my job but I pressed my limits in hard outdoor physical work. I always do that outdoor extra hard work when I hurt. If I can wear myself out, I flop into bed and fall asleep immediately. Charlie (father) passed in summer of 2011. I did not know about his death until a month or so afterwards. I did not care one way or the other. I know that sounds callous but he was always on a regular basis an extremely physically abusive person. Never sexually, only with beatings. Here was the best I could conjure up about him. I hoped he did not linger and suffer alone. To this day, I do not know his cause of death. I could get a copy of his death certificate if I wanted that information but I don't see any need to inquire. When I lose a dog, that is the most prolonged sadness I have ever dealt with ... it never ever goes away. Each one leaves a pawprint on my heart. When I moved last summer, I found some of my beloved Kelly's belongings, some of her baby toys. When I saw them, I felt like I had been mowed down by a sixteen wheeler. I had to work physically so hard for awhile but I cannot shake that type of loss of kinship pain E-V-E-R! A dog's love is forever. Their actions and demonstrations of love are sincere. You can always depend on them. Hugs to all who struggle with grief.

11-07-2016, 06:03 PM	#3
Tiffany Aching Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Ankh-Morpork Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1 Thanked 25 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 0	I visited this site only once on a whim, ages ago. And tonight, I thought of it, and out of curiosity and having something to do, I came again. Interestingly, one of the trending topics is this. And it just jumped out. I have lost my mother 2 weeks ago. She has been struggling with health, and its possible that if doctors reacted in timely manner that she would be still here (and this was admitted to me by professionals). I am wrecked with guilt for not being more assertive and finding the right help at the time. She was my best friend, the person whom I admired the most, who unfortunately had a very hard life and was suffering terrible chronic pain most of her life that couldnt be helped due to various reasons. I keep thinking every day " I should call mum" and that sudden realization that I can't hits me in the gut and I am not able to breathe. I didn't cry at the funeral. It was like I wasn't even there, cuz I knew SHE wasn't there, just her body. I even managed to sing, pitch perfect, I have no idea how, at her funeral. And that was because, 5 days before she died, she told me, the lovely spirit she was, even in all that pain "hey darling why dont you sing for me" and I told her I wasn't in the mood and didn't. And now I curse my self for it. This grief is so all-consuming and at the same time I feel like its not real, like this is some parallel universe, and I am stuck in one where the doctors didn't help, and there is the other, where everything was sorted, like it should have been. Noone ever loved me like she did, and nobody ever had such zest for life, despite everything that happened to them, and I feel she was ultimately betrayed, her hope, optimism, yearn for knowledge, everything she wanted and could have done. I keep thinking of everything I will not be able to share with her. She wanted to live so much, and she coped with so much, and at the end, all the hope was just gone due to incompetence and lack of interest for someone who is over 65. I wish there was no hope and that she couldn't have been helped, that would at least give me some solace. This way, I am just left with emptiness and lost chances. Mind how you go, mum.