How we grieve

Tiffany Aching · 11-07-2016, 06:03 PM

I visited this site only once on a whim, ages ago. And tonight, I thought of it, and out of curiosity and having something to do, I came again.

Interestingly, one of the trending topics is this. And it just jumped out.

I have lost my mother 2 weeks ago. She has been struggling with health, and its possible that if doctors reacted in timely manner that she would be still here (and this was admitted to me by professionals). I am wrecked with guilt for not being more assertive and finding the right help at the time.

She was my best friend, the person whom I admired the most, who unfortunately had a very hard life and was suffering terrible chronic pain most of her life that couldnt be helped due to various reasons.

I keep thinking every day " I should call mum" and that sudden realization that I can't hits me in the gut and I am not able to breathe.

I didn't cry at the funeral. It was like I wasn't even there, cuz I knew SHE wasn't there, just her body.

I even managed to sing, pitch perfect, I have no idea how, at her funeral. And that was because, 5 days before she died, she told me, the lovely spirit she was, even in all that pain "hey darling why dont you sing for me" and I told her I wasn't in the mood and didn't. And now I curse my self for it.

This grief is so all-consuming and at the same time I feel like its not real, like this is some parallel universe, and I am stuck in one where the doctors didn't help, and there is the other, where everything was sorted, like it should have been.

Noone ever loved me like she did, and nobody ever had such zest for life, despite everything that happened to them, and I feel she was ultimately betrayed, her hope, optimism, yearn for knowledge, everything she wanted and could have done.

I keep thinking of everything I will not be able to share with her.

She wanted to live so much, and she coped with so much, and at the end, all the hope was just gone due to incompetence and lack of interest for someone who is over 65. I wish there was no hope and that she couldn't have been helped, that would at least give me some solace.

This way, I am just left with emptiness and lost chances.

Mind how you go, mum.

deeds · 11-07-2016, 10:06 PM

Tiffany-This is only one reason I advocate for G-d and marijuana instead of doctors and pills..Many elderly people have gone this way over the past 32 years I know of.

All I can say to you is..We never, ever die..Think quantum and energy..I bet your mama suffers still to feel you hurting so bad..That's why I eventually learned truth about life after death..I didnt want my dad and brother see me in so much pain..

I do hope you feel better soon..

RockOn · 11-09-2016, 01:10 PM

Your loss is so open and fresh.

I am so sorry.

~ocean · 11-09-2016, 02:51 PM

(((((( tiffany )))))) so sry u had to deal with incompetent doctors ~ we r conditioned to trust their judgement ~ don't blame yourself for their negligence ~ carrying that unjustified guilt will ruin your chances to be truly happy in your life ~ your mom would not want that. (tears in heaven comes to mind ) from what u have said you both were close to one another

your a good daughter special to her in many ways ~ celebrate that love by passing it on ~ it takes time.

11-07-2016, 10:06 PM	#2
deeds Senior Member How Do You Identify?: G-d made Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,588 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 711 Thanked 403 Times in 255 Posts Rep Power: 7194440	Tiffany-This is only one reason I advocate for G-d and marijuana instead of doctors and pills..Many elderly people have gone this way over the past 32 years I know of. All I can say to you is..We never, ever die..Think quantum and energy..I bet your mama suffers still to feel you hurting so bad..That's why I eventually learned truth about life after death..I didnt want my dad and brother see me in so much pain.. I do hope you feel better soon.. __________________

11-09-2016, 01:10 PM	#3
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	reply to Tiffany Aching Your loss is so open and fresh. I am so sorry.

11-09-2016, 02:51 PM	#4
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,017 Times in 4,724 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	~ (((((( tiffany )))))) so sry u had to deal with incompetent doctors ~ we r conditioned to trust their judgement ~ don't blame yourself for their negligence ~ carrying that unjustified guilt will ruin your chances to be truly happy in your life ~ your mom would not want that. (tears in heaven comes to mind ) from what u have said you both were close to one another your a good daughter special to her in many ways ~ celebrate that love by passing it on ~ it takes time. __________________ ~ Always, ocean

11-07-2016, 06:03 PM	#1
Tiffany Aching Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Ankh-Morpork Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1 Thanked 25 Times in 5 Posts Rep Power: 0	I visited this site only once on a whim, ages ago. And tonight, I thought of it, and out of curiosity and having something to do, I came again. Interestingly, one of the trending topics is this. And it just jumped out. I have lost my mother 2 weeks ago. She has been struggling with health, and its possible that if doctors reacted in timely manner that she would be still here (and this was admitted to me by professionals). I am wrecked with guilt for not being more assertive and finding the right help at the time. She was my best friend, the person whom I admired the most, who unfortunately had a very hard life and was suffering terrible chronic pain most of her life that couldnt be helped due to various reasons. I keep thinking every day " I should call mum" and that sudden realization that I can't hits me in the gut and I am not able to breathe. I didn't cry at the funeral. It was like I wasn't even there, cuz I knew SHE wasn't there, just her body. I even managed to sing, pitch perfect, I have no idea how, at her funeral. And that was because, 5 days before she died, she told me, the lovely spirit she was, even in all that pain "hey darling why dont you sing for me" and I told her I wasn't in the mood and didn't. And now I curse my self for it. This grief is so all-consuming and at the same time I feel like its not real, like this is some parallel universe, and I am stuck in one where the doctors didn't help, and there is the other, where everything was sorted, like it should have been. Noone ever loved me like she did, and nobody ever had such zest for life, despite everything that happened to them, and I feel she was ultimately betrayed, her hope, optimism, yearn for knowledge, everything she wanted and could have done. I keep thinking of everything I will not be able to share with her. She wanted to live so much, and she coped with so much, and at the end, all the hope was just gone due to incompetence and lack of interest for someone who is over 65. I wish there was no hope and that she couldn't have been helped, that would at least give me some solace. This way, I am just left with emptiness and lost chances. Mind how you go, mum.