How did you know?

[Gemme]

Kassy, just as you mentioned in your post, it's more of a feeling. You said butch didn't always mean dressing boylike but you knew you aren't one. It's the same with femme. If you feel it, then it is so.

There are tons of 'types' of femmes in this world of ours. Tomboy femmes, high femmes, lipstick femmes, and the list goes on. You should define yourself as YOU see yourself; no one else. After all, you have to live with you and the decisions you make for yourself.

For myself, I am femme because I am. I've known it since I first admitted (not realized...ADMITTED) that I wasn't straight. In the most simplistic view, I saw GLBTQ relationships as having a more feminine partner and a more masculine partner. I knew I was the more feminine partner from the beginning. Of course, as I've grown more comfortable with myself, I've realized that our kind of relationships are anything BUT simple. But I am still femme.

Some days, I like to get dressed up and do the heels and make up and whatnot. Some days I am very low key. It depends on what I feel like doing that day. I like to be pampered but I'm not going to get a mani or pedi every week (unless I win the lottery and then I'll have more time and funds to devote to stuff like that and then it still wouldn't be EVERY week).

So, don't worry about how others see you or if you are defining yourself 'right'. It's your label, if you choose to use one. You need to be okay with it before anyone else, after all, it's YOUR label.

[Apocalipstic]

Cool thread subject!

At first, when I came out in the early 80's, it was so not cool to be Femme and to be honest I fought being Femme. I was told I had to be submissive and a bottom to be Femme. Of course now I know that is not true.

I definitely have a guy side. I wear makeup sometimes, but not always. I love to watch cartoons with my hand in my pants like Al Bundy and burp aloud. I know way more about cars than my Butch G/F who used to work in a car factory.

I also had a childhood that made me want to hide my femininity and also did the Goth thing, though in college, not high school. I still tend to wear black a lot. Regular makeup is the same as Goth, just less harsh colors. Not sure what your coloring is, but I wear brown liner instead of black and so forth now. I would still do the Goth thing, but at 46, it does not seem like an option any more...I save it for parties from time to time.

No matter what I wear, or what I am doing I am girly, so I finally decided to accept it and go with being Femme.

There are all types of Femme, just enjoy being YOU!

That was kinda rambling, but I hope it helps.

[kassykit]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Cool thread subject!

At first, when I came out in the early 80's, it was so not cool to be Femme and to be honest I fought being Femme. I was told I had to be submissive and a bottom to be Femme. Of course now I know that is not true.

I definitely have a guy side. I wear makeup sometimes, but not always. I love to watch cartoons with my hand in my pants like Al Bundy and burp aloud. I know way more about cars than my Butch G/F who used to work in a car factory.

I also had a childhood that made me want to hide my femininity and also did the Goth thing, though in college, not high school. I still tend to wear black a lot. Regular makeup is the same as Goth, just less harsh colors. Not sure what your coloring is, but I wear brown liner instead of black and so forth now. I would still do the Goth thing, but at 46, it does not seem like an option any more...I save it for parties from time to time.

No matter what I wear, or what I am doing I am girly, so I finally decided to accept it and go with being Femme.

There are all types of Femme, just enjoy being YOU!

That was kinda rambling, but I hope it helps.

Goth = not so dark makeup

So i can draw designs on my cheeks? -giggles-

And yes at 29 i've decided (well i decided at 25) that i needed to "grow" up and act more mainstream in order to succeed in this world!

And i enjoy rambling

[kassykit]

So in other words, stop worrying so much about it?

Shoot i joke around and say i'm a manly man etc.......always makes my friends laugh.

I guess to me that's important, the laughter.

So can we have another labeL?

that of clown?

thank you for your post hun, i'll read it, digest it (after more coffee) an do up a replay with more questions if i fee its needed, thank you for being poliet! Now can soemone just hand me a book, or a program where i enter in my personality and it gives me answers? all this searchign mysef is at times painful and frustraiting!

Originally Posted by Gemme

Kassy, just as you mentioned in your post, it's more of a feeling. You said butch didn't always mean dressing boylike but you knew you aren't one. It's the same with femme. If you feel it, then it is so.

[NJFemmie]

Yes, stop worrying so much about it.
Be whoever it is you feel you are and let the rest of the world deal with it.

[kassykit]

Ok first off i LOVE the piccy!! -points to dah kitty making the puppies sleep-



sometimes it's hard tojust be yourself, or at least it is for me!! which i suppose is why i'm soul searching

am hunting for answers, inside and outside......

thank you for your input

Originally Posted by NJFemmie

Yes, stop worrying so much about it.
Be whoever it is you feel you are and let the rest of the world deal with it.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by kassykit

Goth = not so dark makeup

So i can draw designs on my cheeks? -giggles-

And yes at 29 i've decided (well i decided at 25) that i needed to "grow" up and act more mainstream in order to succeed in this world!

And i enjoy rambling

If the designs are in a nice taupe and not for work! Laughhhhhhhhh!

[kassykit]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

If the designs are in a nice taupe and not for work! Laughhhhhhhhh!

but but butttt i buttt!!!

ok that enough buts?

and yeah, ohh btw, pink hair - much as i love pink hair- doesn't go over well at work either!!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by kassykit

but but butttt i buttt!!!

ok that enough buts?

and yeah, ohh btw, pink hair - much as i love pink hair- doesn't go over well at work either!!

Depends on where you work, but for interviews I would go with something more mainstream.

Pink hair is lovely I agree.

[Sweet_Pea]

I dont like all the labels either, I am a really girly girl, I get manicures and pedicures, love makeup, and can spend hours on my hair. . .HOWEVERRRR... I dont like dresses, or high heels (i prefer comfort and high heels are torchure devices to me.). I wear flip flops in the freezing cold and love vans and tennis shoes. I know how to fish and can rig and bait my own hook (though i will NOT touch worms) and i dont mind getting my hands dirty, I drink beer, play texas hold em and cuss with my brothers. I am a single mother trying to teach my girls to be young ladies and my son to be a man.

I think if i had to label myself id just be a strong woman. . .Period.

[kassykit]

WOnder if people would get pissy if when asked i just say i'm a Mishy (my r/t nickname btw :P )

Guess i kind of just want to find where i fit..........but perhaps i should stop looking for where i fit, and make me a spot! ahh that is easier said then done...

Originally Posted by Sweet_Pea

I dont like all the labels either, I am a really girly girl, I get manicures and pedicures, love makeup, and can spend hours on my hair. . .HOWEVERRRR... I dont like dresses, or high heels (i prefer comfort and high heels are torchure devices to me.). I wear flip flops in the freezing cold and love vans and tennis shoes. I know how to fish and can rig and bait my own hook (though i will NOT touch worms) and i dont mind getting my hands dirty, I drink beer, play texas hold em and cuss with my brothers. I am a single mother trying to teach my girls to be young ladies and my son to be a man.

I think if i had to label myself id just be a strong woman. . .Period.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by kassykit

......sometimes it's hard to just be yourself, or at least it is for me!! which i suppose is why i'm soul searching

am hunting for answers, inside and outside......

thank you for your input

Dearest Mishy, you certainly are not alone.

I won't give my long life story to describe how I relate to you...I won't turn this subject into "all about me"... but I will support you with open arms and a warm understanding heart in your soul searching and hunting for answers....

My story shortened, my childhood was filled with much the same thing and MANY times I hid in the mountains and countryside, arriving home well after dark willing to take the whipping for missing dinner rather than be at home... I am also a Rape Survivor. I came out several years ago and have, until very recently, struggled very much with my femme/lesbian identity and "how do I fit in". One of my accomplishments in life was turning my feelings as a rape victim, into becoming a Survivor (in all senses of the word, and becoming a Domestic Violence Advocate). Being a Survivor (to me) does not allow my abusers or my rapist to re-victimize me or continue to abuse me, in any form...especially my mental/physical health state. I do not intend to down play anyone who is a victim (absolutely no insult intended)...after my abuse, I HAD to see myself as a Survivor, or lose my mind...

My struggle with "am I Femme?", came from not being confident of myself, not having much of a community here or mentors, my lack of knowledge of various identities and dynamics and my misconception that "Femme" meant my outside appearances only ...how I dressed, etc. I have many hobbies that are related to masculine activities/stereotypes (including all things mechanical)... at work, I am very much a "High Power Priss" in my "kick ass femmie clothes and sexy boots" (sometimes even wearing a beautiful corset & thigh highs under my black "stuffy" business suit)... but for the longest time, I questioned "Am I Femme?, what does Femme mean to me?... I'm not Top? I'm not always submissive so I didn't consider myself entirely bottom... am I Butch because I like to fix cars and am very aggressive in the boardroom at work?... etc, etc...does Femme mean just how I dress?"

Very recently I entered into a wonderful, very promising relationship with an AMAZING StoneButch...someone I took my time getting to know and respect. Someone who has gently and patiently guided me and stood beside me during my "identity crisis" and my journey to find what Femme means to me... after reading one of her posts on "the other site" and talking with her more, I suddenly and with much delight realized that I AM FEMME because Femme is what I am inside, not my outside appearances and I am NOT a "confused straight woman" (as I had been accused of being by a heartless person, I pass for straight and to the het world, am an "invisible Femme" because I'm not recognized or accepted as a lesbian or Femme..."they just don't get me".) ... I AM Femme because I am a Survivor and I AM PROUD of Surviving my hardships and PROUD of who I am... I am Femme while in my bluejeans and baseball cap with pony tail looped out the back when I go outside to bust my knuckles on the manifold of my car... I AM a FEISTY Femme as I stand in my boardroom and tell them how it is, my way or the highway... I am Femme when I come home and take my "boss hat" off, kick my boots off and proceed to kiss and greet my partner and turn into a Sweet, Loving, Content, Gentle, Cute, Sexy, Smart, Quiet, Thoughtful, Respectful, Affectionate "Queen of my Kitchen" Femme that my partner adores. I recently joked with my partner... "I'm not Femme Top, I'm not entirely Femme Bottom... can I be Femme Middle?" lol

Hon, be yourself... turn your soul searching into a Journey to find what your identity means to you... in the process and struggle, be careful not to lose "Mishy".

We love, respect and adore you...Mishy... no matter what ID or label you feel comfortable with...

sorry I rambled, it was more than I had intended... but this subject and supporting you is very near and dear to my heart. Look me up any time... Much TLC,
S&C
ID: Queen of my Kitchen

[kassykit]

pace pace pace

must think on this, possibly sleep on this before i reply on your post

Thank you for the time and effort you put into replying, i will reply when i'm not so frazzeled, first week of the quarter is always a cluster****

Originally Posted by Sweet&Content

Dearest Mishy, you certainly are not alone.

I won't give my long life story to describe how I relate to you...I won't turn this subject into "all about me"... but I will support you with open arms and a warm understanding heart in your soul searching and hunting for answers....

My story shortened, my childhood was filled with much the same thing and MANY times I hid in the mountains and countryside, arriving home well after dark willing to take the whipping for missing dinner rather than be at home... I am also a Rape Survivor. I came out several years ago and have, until very recently, struggled very much with my femme/lesbian identity and "how do I fit in". One of my accomplishments in life was turning my feelings as a rape victim, into becoming a Survivor (in all senses of the word, and becoming a Domestic Violence Advocate). Being a Survivor (to me) does not allow my abusers or my rapist to re-victimize me or continue to abuse me, in any form...especially my mental/physical health state. I do not intend to down play anyone who is a victim (absolutely no insult intended)...after my abuse, I HAD to see myself as a Survivor, or lose my mind...

My struggle with "am I Femme?", came from not being confident of myself, not having much of a community here or mentors, my lack of knowledge of various identities and dynamics and my misconception that "Femme" meant my outside appearances only ...how I dressed, etc. I have many hobbies that are related to masculine activities/stereotypes (including all things mechanical)... at work, I am very much a "High Power Priss" in my "kick ass femmie clothes and sexy boots" (sometimes even wearing a beautiful corset & thigh highs under my black "stuffy" business suit)... but for the longest time, I questioned "Am I Femme?, what does Femme mean to me?... I'm not Top? I'm not always submissive so I didn't consider myself entirely bottom... am I Butch because I like to fix cars and am very aggressive in the boardroom at work?... etc, etc...does Femme mean just how I dress?"

Very recently I entered into a wonderful, very promising relationship with an AMAZING StoneButch...someone I took my time getting to know and respect. Someone who has gently and patiently guided me and stood beside me during my "identity crisis" and my journey to find what Femme means to me... after reading one of her posts on "the other site" and talking with her more, I suddenly and with much delight realized that I AM FEMME because Femme is what I am inside, not my outside appearances and I am NOT a "confused straight woman" (as I had been accused of being by a heartless person, I pass for straight and to the het world, am an "invisible Femme" because I'm not recognized or accepted as a lesbian or Femme..."they just don't get me".) ... I AM Femme because I am a Survivor and I AM PROUD of Surviving my hardships and PROUD of who I am... I am Femme while in my bluejeans and baseball cap with pony tail looped out the back when I go outside to bust my knuckles on the manifold of my car... I AM a FEISTY Femme as I stand in my boardroom and tell them how it is, my way or the highway... I am Femme when I come home and take my "boss hat" off, kick my boots off and proceed to kiss and greet my partner and turn into a Sweet, Loving, Content, Gentle, Cute, Sexy, Smart, Quiet, Thoughtful, Respectful, Affectionate "Queen of my Kitchen" Femme that my partner adores. I recently joked with my partner... "I'm not Femme Top, I'm not entirely Femme Bottom... can I be Femme Middle?" lol

Hon, be yourself... turn your soul searching into a Journey to find what your identity means to you... in the process and struggle, be careful not to lose "Mishy".

We love, respect and adore you...Mishy... no matter what ID or label you feel comfortable with...

sorry I rambled, it was more than I had intended... but this subject and supporting you is very near and dear to my heart. Look me up any time... Much TLC,
S&C
ID: Queen of my Kitchen

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by kassykit

pace pace pace

must think on this, possibly sleep on this before i reply on your post

Thank you for the time and effort you put into replying, i will reply when i'm not so frazzeled, first week of the quarter is always a cluster****

You are very welcome...Oh darlin', there's no need to feel pressured to respond...just find a little something today that makes your heart smile and makes you happy...that's response enough. Take care and best wishes.