The Psychology of Online Dating

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by knight

... There seems to be this interesting stigma (again I speak only from experience) when it comes to dating in the Butch/Femme world.
Again regardless of preferences within the dynamic of Butch/Femme… dating seems to be an “ugly” word. ...

Knight, It isn't clear to me what you mean by this. What experiences have you had that led you to feeling that dating is considered ugly?

[CherylNYC]

My own experiences dating someone I met online have been negative. I met two women that way and I doubt I'll try it again. it's easy for a person to present the best of themselves when they sit down to write or speak on the phone, (or Skype or FaceTime), and my usual tools to sniff out a liar or someone who is flat out nuts, for example, aren't deployable until I've already established a connection. At that point the connection, especially when there's already been sexy talk and deep conversation, easily overwhelms my voice of reason. I'm far better able to sense danger in person.

Both of the above failed relationships were with extraordinarily handsome and photogenic butch women who wrote well. Those qualities made them even more attractive online and further disabled my 'sniffer'. I like this community for many reasons. One of the biggest draws for me is that being a stonefemme here is an accepted and an acceptable identity. I'm pretty isolated outside of this little bubble. Even though it would save me plenty of time as well as a world of humiliation and rejection, I doubt I'll put myself out there online again.

[gotoseagrl]

I think what was meant was that sometimes the status of dating - just to feel things out & see how it goes with time - is looked down upon because some people want to skip into the full on relationship expecting everything to be etched in stone from the start. That is unrealistic, in my opinion, and I feel anyone in their right mind would want the chance to let time reveal if its something they really want. Just dating at first can provide that opportunity. And sometimes even after we think we are have it figured out, we can still realize we made a mistake and choose to either stay or move on. Regardless of anything, only time tells. Words arent everything, time and the various situations life presents are.

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Knight, It isn't clear to me what you mean by this. What experiences have you had that led you to feeling that dating is considered ugly?

[knight]

First I am sorry for taking a long time to respond, I had no idea that this thread would have so much interest. I wanted to give people a chance to comment..

What I meant by "ugly" i think from experience that there is a misconception about an individual that is open to dating people online with the understanding that this is a tool to learn about a person. It is not necessarily a tool to find a wife/partner but it can certainly lead to that. I am not speaking here of a person that is cheating or dating several people the same time and lying about it. I speak here about being completely honest with needs, wants, and capacity. Knowing and preparing oneself for having to possibly date several people at different times to find that special person. To me its the "normal" part of dating. Of course this results in hurt feeling and disappointment, but its not an intentional thing. It is simply the result of two people finding out that they are not for each other.

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Knight, It isn't clear to me what you mean by this. What experiences have you had that led you to feeling that dating is considered ugly?

[Lyte]

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Yes, going dates is to learn more about a person but the inherent meaning behind going on a date is that the goal of the parties is to see if they can be ... more than friends. If either individual is not spending time with the other with that goal in mind... can we be more than friends... then that person has an obligation to be make it very clear... this is not a date.

Originally Posted by knight

What I meant by "ugly" i think from experience that there is a misconception about an individual that is open to dating people online with the understanding that this is a tool to learn about a person. It is not necessarily a tool to find a wife/partner but it can certainly lead to that.

[knight]

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

Originally Posted by 2qt

I feel there is just too much stigma given to the words Online/Real life, local/LD.... Dating I think is just how one views it... Some consider it just online dating whilst others see it as something much deeper & much more personal to them...

Why can't we just name it.... Getting to know someone? The word dating seems to box it into this little square of perception that dating is only possible if it's done in real time or if they live within x amount of miles from me.... I don't feel that to be true... You often can't control who you fall for... Love is just love...

For me it was much more personal then just an online date thing... I was spending the same amount of my real time quality time getting to know my potential partner then as I would in my real life...

If you want something to work it's like anything... Effort needs to be made & you need to know what it is you're both reaching for & you're both on the same page otherwise it will never work...

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Yes, going dates is to learn more about a person but the inherent meaning behind going on a date is that the goal of the parties is to see if they can be ... more than friends. If either individual is not spending time with the other with that goal in mind... can we be more than friends... then that person has an obligation to be make it very clear... this is not a date.

[2qt]

I hear what you're saying & agree to some extent...

It's all really our own perceptions I believe...

To me when I go on a date with someone, it has no stigma attached to it, IE... I am not dating them to marry them or uhaul myself into their home, I am not dating them to be their partner at the end of that date, I date to get to know the person I am feeling attraction towards etc & to see where things lead...

But I guess the hope would be there for this to be something more if we hit it off very well for it to be long term partners/marriage.... Otherwise I would just consider it a friendship.....

I have never considered dating a friend as a means to get to know them or myself....My friendships have been pretty much developed known from the start it would be nothing more then a friendship...

Originally Posted by knight

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Lyte

I'm a tad confused.

If two people are on a "date" or are dating... shouldn't the safe presumption that each is ... in the long run... or at some point... looking for a wife/partner?

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

[Lyte]

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Originally Posted by knight

Absolutely not for me. I think its impossible to constantly have capacity for something that is long term. In my opinion, dating is a great way to discover yourself and to grow as a person. I do not believe that in a lifetime that we should always dive into the idea of a marriage. How does one truly understand their need without experiencing life in that way?

I think its great for others that are on a constant search for that one and to be in a position where they can always have capacity for the possibility.

For me it does not work that way. There are stages in life where I feel people have no business diving into a long term relationship.. When do we grow as humans, when do we find out what our truth is.

No right or wrong answer here... but that is my feeling on the matter.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

I honestly don't know why this was posted. Please enlighten me?

Everyone knows what the general idea of dating is but not everyone leads a 'general' life. I understand WHAT you are saying, but I'm fuzzy on the WHY and why is it that you specifically addressed the posts of poly folks. Is that part of your point?

*confused*

[Lyte]

Sure!

I was responding to knight and dee's response to my previous post. I believe they had the impression that I believed ... or was saying... that the sole or primary purpose of dating was to find a life partner. That's not what was saying. That's not my belief. So, I was clarifying that I understand that the sole/primary purpose of dating is NOT to find a life partner. However... and even so... lol .... I do believe that going on a date does have an inherent ... or historical... meaning for most people. Therefore it's incumbent upon those who see dating differently to articulate to those they are dating exactly what dating means to them. N'est–ce pas?

This is why I asked this question elsewhere ... why does "getting to know someone" require going on a date?

Have I better clarified my clarification??

Oh... and... I have no idea who the "poly folk" are on BFP. I wasn't even aware poly relationships had entered the discussion.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I honestly don't know why this was posted. Please enlighten me?

Everyone knows what the general idea of dating is but not everyone leads a 'general' life. I understand WHAT you are saying, but I'm fuzzy on the WHY and why is it that you specifically addressed the posts of poly folks. Is that part of your point?

*confused*

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Lyte

Oh yeah... I get that date/dating has different meanings/motives for different people. BUT... it's important to realize that there is a generally understood/accepted meaning/motive to date/dating ... even if it doesn't apply to us.

A quick Google of the definition ...

1. establish or ascertain the date of (an object or event).
2. indicate or expose as being old-fashioned.
3. go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

Or WIKI...

"Dating is a stage of romantic or sexual relationships in humans whereby two or more people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship that consists of social activities done by the couple."

So... as long as one verbalizes to the other party ... in advance... that their particular definition does not follow/align with the generally accepted definition of date/dating... I say go for it! To do otherwise will very likely lead to a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Do not agree here. if i go on a date with someone, i am under no obligation to disclose my intentions. If they are seeing a life partner, thats on them. If i KNOW they are looking for a wife, i do disclose that i am not interested in that.




i also found a simple definition of a date...

date1
dāt/Submit
noun
1.
the day of the month or year as specified by a number.
"what's the date today?"
synonyms: day, day of the month, occasion, time; More
2.
a social or romantic appointment or engagement.
"a college student on a date with someone he met in class"
synonyms: appointment, meeting, engagement, rendezvous, assignation; commitment
"a lunch date"

[Lyte]

I don't understand this. Please clarify.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Do not agree here. if i go on a date with someone, i am under no obligation to disclose my intentions. If they are seeing a life partner, thats on them.

We are in agreement here. If you want something different than the person you're dating, you let them know.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

If i KNOW they are looking for a wife, i do disclose that i am not interested in that

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Nope... i want to date, not settle.down...

Same with me Dee, I'm looking to date not to settle down by any means...