Bootsandheels...My blogs, and poetry

[Bootsandheels]

It’s been a wonderful Thanksgiving…as I lay here in my bed I hear soft snores out in my small living room as 3 men sleep peacefully, their bellies full. Three years ago we all shared an apartment together for about a year. We were family.

One is my best friend who is FTM, next is his 23 year old son who dreams of transitioning some day and finally a 22 year old adopted son who is now homeless and still battling alcoholism.

We are missing one more boy…the second son of my best friend who is off on an adventure with his boyfriend in Colorado, and finally my beloved german shepherd heart dog who was incredibly dear to all of us.

I am surrounded by boy energy and I am loving every minute of it…the stinky socks, the hair that needs a good cut, the clothes that need washing…bring it.

I love it and I miss it so much.

I am a fierce femme and mother of a 24 year old son whom I have not seen for 7.5 years because of his religious beliefs. Holidays can be especially excruciating. And yet…I have been given this incredible gift again and again of boy energy…young man energy flowing in over the years to help me not feel so lost.

For a few brief hours in my small apartment bursting with blankets and blow up beds, I am found. I am validated for exactly who I am and appreciated for my nurturing, my mothering and my complete and utter femme-ness in every way, shape and form.

I am grateful, I am thankful, and I am blessed…to know what it is to be lost and truly found.

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* for fans of the blog Thank you so much for the rep, PM's, support and encouragement! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[hopelessromantic69]

Originally Posted by Bootsandheels

It’s been a wonderful Thanksgiving…as I lay here in my bed I hear soft snores out in my small living room as 3 men sleep peacefully, their bellies full. Three years ago we all shared an apartment together for about a year. We were family.

One is my best friend who is FTM, next is his 23 year old son who dreams of transitioning some day and finally a 22 year old adopted son who is now homeless and still battling alcoholism.

We are missing one more boy…the second son of my best friend who is off on an adventure with his boyfriend in Colorado, and finally my beloved german shepherd heart dog who was incredibly dear to all of us.

I am surrounded by boy energy and I am loving every minute of it…the stinky socks, the hair that needs a good cut, the clothes that need washing…bring it.

I love it and I miss it so much.

I am a fierce femme and mother of a 24 year old son whom I have not seen for 7.5 years because of his religious beliefs. Holidays can be especially excruciating. And yet…I have been given this incredible gift again and again of boy energy…young man energy flowing in over the years to help me not feel so lost.

For a few brief hours in my small apartment bursting with blankets and blow up beds, I am found. I am validated for exactly who I am and appreciated for my nurturing, my mothering and my complete and utter femme-ness in every way, shape and form.

I am grateful, I am thankful, and I am blessed…to know what it is to be lost and truly found.

Thank you for hosting us all. Next year I will have a place big enough to hold Thanksgiving at my place. Hopefully the woman that owns my heart will be there also. Love ya big sis.

[Bootsandheels]

“So if your husband gave this to you would you like it?” He asked me…as he held the small diamond engagement set in his nervous rough skinned fingers.
I answered very sincerely…”I would be over the moon if he brought this home for me!” He smiled a little smirk of a smile and seemed visibly relieved and quite pleased with himself. I marveled how easy it was for me to answer like I was this straight woman that was waiting on him in my new holiday job at a retail jewelry store.

Ah…my invisibility cloak becomes useful and necessary once again!
I have learned over the years how to use it wisely now, when to bring it out to protect myself or my sexuality when I don’t feel like going through the long involved process of describing “Femme” to people when all they will really hear is “Lipstick Lesbian” or when I need to fit in like the chameleon I get to be as a very straight appearing queer femme as I like to call myself.

It used to be so painful and frustrating at first when I came out 14 years ago.
I wanted so badly to be SEEN by my own community and they just…couldn’t and sometimes even when they knew I was out…wouldn’t acknowledge me for who and what I had worked so damn hard to become and just be. Didn’t they know I what I had given up? My son, got divorced, lost a 9 year job, lost my dog…the list goes on but it was worth every single loss to find myself…and my true essence as FEMME.

It’s not so frustrating now because I get it…and I know exactly how to work it…this incredible gift I’ve been given as an invisible femme.
I can be anyone I damn well please. I can fit in when I need to, and I can surprise the hell out of cute butches that I may come across or work with and make them feel special by saying…”Wow it’s great to know family works here” or my personal favorite…”Nice to see a butch working here” as I sashay away knowing their mouth is hanging open behind me LOL.

I have also been able to protect my own butch when needed and soften a hard glare or two that is directed at us both. It’s a powerful gift and a tool that I do not take for granted or use lightly.

I thought what a great job…like a lot of femmes, I love sparkly things and I happen to know quite a bit about diamonds courtesy of my grandma Hallie who was married 3 or 4 times and from the time I was 6 taught me all about her many rings and things she had acquired all over the world. She loved them as if they were her kids.

I’ve been learning far more about diamonds and gems in my new job this past week and I am struck by the synchronicity of it all. I’ve always felt that we as humans are diamonds in the rough and that our life lessons, our experiences especially the most painful ones are often the facets that we endure to sparkle and shine. It’s the cuts that make us…the facets that shape us into the true brilliance, fire and sparkle that we have naturally within all of us, that show the true essence of who we REALLY are.

I rang the young man’s precious purchase up at the register and handed him the little bag with the tissue paper just so and placed it in his hands reverently. He gave me the biggest smile ever and I couldn’t help myself…I sparkled back at him. I gushed “Happy Holidays!” and covered my mouth with both hands and giggled…imagining him…imagining her…and their moment on Christmas morning. Love is love is LOVE. Sparkle on you beautiful diamond...

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* for those who have been waiting for the next one...and thank you for all the rep and sweet comments!

[Bootsandheels]

My gorgeous femme bi tango instructor starts the lesson “It’s your connection...to the floor, to your body and to your partner…

I have always wanted to try tango and I finally did this spring with a queer tango class. I was bitten by the tango bug and signed up for more-this time a mixed class with fear and trepidation of having to dance with men.

It’s been a lonnnnng ass time since I’ve been in man space and I seriously was not sure how I would handle it, like it or how I would feel. Just the thought of having to be that close to them, smelling them, dancing virtually cheek to cheek…omg.
I was almost hyperventilating and looking for the ladies’ room.

Don’t get me wrong…I do like men, mostly gay men and they are whom I have spent most of my life dancing with as a former ballerina and teacher. It’s the straight ones I am not so sure I’d really like to be around much, but in the tango world everybody dances with everybody-at least in a tango class setting.

I realized that I wouldn’t be recognized as a FEMME. I would be seen as just another straight woman learning tango in the room because of how I look and present. I was not in the comfort of a queer tango class which Seattle is blessed to offer and where I can at least be seen for one hour a week by my community.

I was in the straight zone, learning and dancing with straight men AND women…and I had to get over myself right quick if I was going to be serious about learning this amazingly beautiful, intimate, sensuous dance called tango.

So besides loving the art form…loving dance and being a pretty good dancer, I asked myself what the "F" am I doing here anyway? To say I was uncomfortable was an understatement.

Connection? To whaaa? (floor…my body…my partner)

Oh…it gets better.

You see in tango…you start by looking at someone’s eyes as a check in to see if they WANT to dance with you…and you want to dance with them.
(ok…butch across a crowded room we spy each other… connection…check. I can relate… just hold that image!) Breathe…move!

Then the embrace…
You meet, a hand is offered and you decide on how close you will be dancing together…open embrace (arms wide holding forearms only), semi-open (hand on shoulder and waist but no close body embrace) or closed (full on embrace torso against torso) oh god just take me now…


“Tango is about the connection…to the floor, to yourself and to your partner” she says again.
After the first coed classes I realized this was why I was so damn uncomfortable. I had to dance heart to heart with most of the people in the class and it was not easy. Yet this was exactly why I needed to be here…to break open my heart and feel again after much heartbreak and disappointment.

I needed to touch and be touched and learn to open my heart again. I needed to let down the moat and break down the castle walls that I had built up over the past few years if I was ever going to love someone again…and make sure I could actually do it.

I would go home and cry after class and show up the next week and begin again…floor…myself…my partner…connection…connect…breathe…connect…MOVE…
Let go…relax…so he’s a straight guy…if you can do this you can do anything!
“Beautiful walk!” she complimented me…I thought it was just the fact that I got to wear heels and dance but I was…finally…finally getting it.

Connection…to the floor, (ground myself and feel it)
Connection…to myself (open my heart hear it beating and feel it)
Connection…to your partner (get ready to feel it again-a new partner is coming).

The walls have crumbled down revealing my beautiful femme heart is still alive and well and tango has given me a gift…Hope.

[Bootsandheels]

*Bump* for the fans...new one! 💃

[Bootsandheels]

Last *Bump* for the new one...