Caregivers and Stress

GeorgiaMa'am · 03-04-2018, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chad

I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.

I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy!

Congratulations to your mom on turning 86! I hope she likes the idea of moving in with you. Hopefully the kind of trouble she has living alone is the kind that is easily avoided with two people in the house.

This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite?

Chad · 03-05-2018, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

Congratulations to your mom on turning 86! I hope she likes the idea of moving in with you. Hopefully the kind of trouble she has living alone is the kind that is easily avoided with two people in the house.

This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite?

Thank you ma'am. It was always our plan for her to have a cottage on my land. I built my home new and waited for mom to make the move before I built the cottage. We both need our space but having her at my ranch makes things more convenient.

girl_dee · 03-06-2018, 06:16 AM

i saw my mom yesterday

it was emotional

she looked better physically thank i expected (she has an odd color but i think its okay)

she is worse emotionally thank i expected

going to run errands for her today and see if i can get her out of her place

girl_dee · 03-07-2018, 05:45 AM

mom

My mom is back to my old mom. The rather ungrateful and demanding mom. i left in tears yesterday.

Not a fan of ungrateful, demanding mom. She is not as helpless as she wants me to believe. She’s enjoying her status a bit too much.

She’s basically resigned herself to her recliner. She could do so much more, and is fighting for her life, but what little quality of life she could have,
she doesn’t want it. i just don’t understand.

Will try again today. i leave tomorrow, so i pray its a better day.

girl_dee · 03-10-2018, 04:19 PM

it’s taken me a few days to even try to put an update into words.

When i got to NOLA my mom was still in her PJs late afternoon, not eating (she says she can’t eat and try to breathe at the same time), glued to her recliner and clinging on to the oxygen for dear life. She would not even open a window out of fear of breathing any pollen.

The *Hospice* label put her in a tailspin.

Even with all the grumbling, complaining and saying *i can’t * for even the simplest thing, i got her to go out and get her hair cleaned up. Her hair is an obsession. She was convinced she could not leave her apartment even for a haircut as the portable oxygen would run out. She is not dependent on oxygen but she was convinced she was. She said she nearly didn’t make getting a shower with the nurse as she was without her oxygen for five minutes. Of course none of this is true, but to her it is. i think what frustrates me is that she likes being afraid of everything, its her safe place.

She agreed to go *try* getting a hair cut. She says she could not walk to elevator, so i pushed her in her walker to the car. (While carrying oxygen tank and her things) . The whole time she complained that she was cold and wanted to kill me for making her go out and why am i doing this to her. She says i can’t drive her walker and i am going to smash her into a wall. My heart sunk but i kept moving her.. Got her to the salon and she refused to use her oxygen and walker. i was shocked, but realized her vanity is why she won’t use these things out in the world. So she lived through a hair cut without oxygen. Then she wanted breakfast. So i got her breakfast to last a few days. Her spirit lifted. i was very happy for her.

Then when we got back to her place, she again said she was going to kill me for dragging her out in the cold, but once in her place, she didn’t use the oxygen and even got on her scooter to go visit friends. She was like a new person. She told everyone who came in that i am leaving her.

She has a *friend* that she pays to do every little thing for her. This woman is very dominating and my mom likes being helpless. They feed off each other. She informed me that my mom is pretty much completely helpless. i asked my mom why she wants to be treated like a baby. There was tension.

She’s still doing okay, and i know there will be another episode but for now, she is holding her own. There will be good and bad days, until this is over. The bad days weigh on me as i know she suffers.

i left her in much better shape than when i arrived in only 3 days. It kills me that i cannot help her more, but for my own sanity, i have to keep the physical distance.

i’ll continue to contact her each morning and listen to her as much as i can. It’s the only way i can be emotionally close in any way.

Chad · 03-11-2018, 06:37 PM

This weekend I drove mom to Houston to celebrate her friend's 100th birthday. I must have driven 1000 miles all weekend from picking mom up Friday to taking her home today.

The party was sweet. Mom's friend and family remembered me from about 1975. They hugged me and kissed my cheek. It was a great visit and my heart is warm.

There is nothing like a southern party.

socialjustice_fsu · 03-11-2018, 10:53 PM

I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one.

What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀.
My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise.
Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace.

03-11-2018, 06:37 PM	#6
Chad Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Loved Caregiver Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 6,164 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,746 Thanked 20,311 Times in 5,677 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Caregivers This weekend I drove mom to Houston to celebrate her friend's 100th birthday. I must have driven 1000 miles all weekend from picking mom up Friday to taking her home today. The party was sweet. Mom's friend and family remembered me from about 1975. They hugged me and kissed my cheek. It was a great visit and my heart is warm. There is nothing like a southern party.

03-11-2018, 10:53 PM	#7
socialjustice_fsu Member How Do You Identify?: Feminine Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: It’s all good. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The gulf waters are sapphire blue and the beach sand is white as snow. Posts: 607 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,866 Thanked 2,155 Times in 439 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	March 7, 2018 6:20 pm I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one. What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀. My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise. Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace. __________________ If you are going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

03-06-2018, 06:16 AM	#3
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	i saw my mom yesterday it was emotional she looked better physically thank i expected (she has an odd color but i think its okay) she is worse emotionally thank i expected going to run errands for her today and see if i can get her out of her place

03-07-2018, 05:45 AM	#4
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	mom My mom is back to my old mom. The rather ungrateful and demanding mom. i left in tears yesterday. Not a fan of ungrateful, demanding mom. She is not as helpless as she wants me to believe. She’s enjoying her status a bit too much. She’s basically resigned herself to her recliner. She could do so much more, and is fighting for her life, but what little quality of life she could have, she doesn’t want it. i just don’t understand. Will try again today. i leave tomorrow, so i pray its a better day.

03-10-2018, 04:19 PM	#5
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	it’s taken me a few days to even try to put an update into words. When i got to NOLA my mom was still in her PJs late afternoon, not eating (she says she can’t eat and try to breathe at the same time), glued to her recliner and clinging on to the oxygen for dear life. She would not even open a window out of fear of breathing any pollen. The Hospice label put her in a tailspin. Even with all the grumbling, complaining and saying i can’t for even the simplest thing, i got her to go out and get her hair cleaned up. Her hair is an obsession. She was convinced she could not leave her apartment even for a haircut as the portable oxygen would run out. She is not dependent on oxygen but she was convinced she was. She said she nearly didn’t make getting a shower with the nurse as she was without her oxygen for five minutes. Of course none of this is true, but to her it is. i think what frustrates me is that she likes being afraid of everything, its her safe place. She agreed to go try getting a hair cut. She says she could not walk to elevator, so i pushed her in her walker to the car. (While carrying oxygen tank and her things) . The whole time she complained that she was cold and wanted to kill me for making her go out and why am i doing this to her. She says i can’t drive her walker and i am going to smash her into a wall. My heart sunk but i kept moving her.. Got her to the salon and she refused to use her oxygen and walker. i was shocked, but realized her vanity is why she won’t use these things out in the world. So she lived through a hair cut without oxygen. Then she wanted breakfast. So i got her breakfast to last a few days. Her spirit lifted. i was very happy for her. Then when we got back to her place, she again said she was going to kill me for dragging her out in the cold, but once in her place, she didn’t use the oxygen and even got on her scooter to go visit friends. She was like a new person. She told everyone who came in that i am leaving her. She has a friend that she pays to do every little thing for her. This woman is very dominating and my mom likes being helpless. They feed off each other. She informed me that my mom is pretty much completely helpless. i asked my mom why she wants to be treated like a baby. There was tension. She’s still doing okay, and i know there will be another episode but for now, she is holding her own. There will be good and bad days, until this is over. The bad days weigh on me as i know she suffers. i left her in much better shape than when i arrived in only 3 days. It kills me that i cannot help her more, but for my own sanity, i have to keep the physical distance. i’ll continue to contact her each morning and listen to her as much as i can. It’s the only way i can be emotionally close in any way.