Instant Turn-Offs

[Orema]

People who are habitually late.

[homoe]

people who treat waitstaff as their personal servants....

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Orema

People who are habitually late.

BIG one for me!

[CherryWine]

Someone who blows hot and cold. Either you’re in or you’re out. It’s just one early indicator of controlling behavior. In some instances, it’s indicative of a narcissistic personality. Regardless, it’s a sure-fire way to get me to run in the opposite direction.

[JDeere]

Someone who is not sure of what they are.

[clay]

Originally Posted by CherryWine

Someone who blows hot and cold. Either you’re in or you’re out. It’s just one early indicator of controlling behavior. In some instances, it’s indicative of a narcissistic personality. Regardless, it’s a sure-fire way to get me to run in the opposite direction.

Agree, Cdoodles! Watch my azz as I go out the door.....

[imperfect_cupcake]

"Blows hot and cold"

yeah, that does drive me a bit batty but also it brings to my attention what *I* believe is the attention I want. I've been accused of that since and I was very confused - I was enthusiastic about their company while they were with me, which is what *I* would want, but did not want daily contact because that's just not who I am in my life. I still felt exactly the same. They assumed I was blowing hot and cold. They argued with me about this and accused me of not wanting them, of being cold, of having walls...
So I put an end to it immediately. As much as I really, really liked them, and was sad about stopping it, actually fairly bummed out, I could see there was a huge discrepancy between our own ways and needs to demonstrate affection and closeness.

To them, they wanted frequency of quality time together, which was something I just couldn't give, along with the enthusiasm I showed when I was present.

I didn't want either of us to be hurt by a battle of very different needs and disappointments. I was already being accused of being cold. I thought it best to just stop there.

So be careful of accusing people of controlling or narcissistic behaviour. It may be your needs are just vastly different and it feels hot/cold to you - to them, they have the same feelings for you the whole time. But it will drive you nuts regardless - end it.

but it doesn't always have nefarious reasons.

[CherryWine]

I understand what you are saying, imperfect cupcake, and I think we are talking about two separate things. I am not confusing individual differences in needs regarding frequency of quality time with controlling and narcissistic behavior. I am very much an introvert and need time to myself between interactions to truly appreciate quality time spent with anyone. That goes for friends, family, and lovers. I definitely get that.

What I’m referring to is someone who...for example....immediately withdraws affection, seemingly without reason, but usually as a result of the fact that he or she felt slighted in some manner. When approached about the matter, they typically shut down and refuse to communicate. Then, once they decide that their feelings are no longer hurt (or you have served your due “punishment”), they are back to showering you with affection like nothing ever happened. I’ve discovered, unfortunately, that this typically comes from a place of deep insecurity and is a prelude to future controlling and manipulative behavior - hence, the reason I run in the opposite direction when I notice this behavior.

I’m definitely not talking about someone who is mature enough to say...”Hey, I need some alone time (space), so I’m going to spend this week doing such and such and we’ll catch up later.”

Come to think, this is not actually an “instant” turnoff per se, as it usually does take a bit of time knowing someone before it happens....but it is indeed a turnoff!

[Kätzchen]

I totally get what imperfect_cupcake and CherryWine are talking about. Thank you for articulating succinctly about controlling behaviors and what I call the 'push me/pull me' game (ie, manipulation ).

--- --- --- --- --- ---

Here's a few more Instant Turn Off behaviors that will turn me off:

Lack of compassion. Lack of honesty. Being unwilling to honor mine or another's boundaries. Those three things I've talked about many times over the years here in certain posts I've made in various forum threads..... As well as being chased or stalked. If I'm not talking to you, it's because I'm not interested in talking to you. I am very introverted, and I keep to myself. Also, Unwanted Contact is a huge deal breaker in my world.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by CherryWine

I understand what you are saying, imperfect cupcake, and I think we are talking about two separate things. I am not confusing individual differences in needs regarding frequency of quality time with controlling and narcissistic behavior. I am very much an introvert and need time to myself between interactions to truly appreciate quality time spent with anyone. That goes for friends, family, and lovers. I definitely get that.

What I’m referring to is someone who...for example....immediately withdraws affection, seemingly without reason, but usually as a result of the fact that he or she felt slighted in some manner. When approached about the matter, they typically shut down and refuse to communicate. Then, once they decide that their feelings are no longer hurt (or you have served your due “punishment”), they are back to showering you with affection like nothing ever happened. I’ve discovered, unfortunately, that this typically comes from a place of deep insecurity and is a prelude to future controlling and manipulative behavior - hence, the reason I run in the opposite direction when I notice this behavior.

I’m definitely not talking about someone who is mature enough to say...”Hey, I need some alone time (space), so I’m going to spend this week doing such and such and we’ll catch up later.”

Come to think, this is not actually an “instant” turnoff per se, as it usually does take a bit of time knowing someone before it happens....but it is indeed a turnoff!

That I understand, and I've had people who were *very* emotionally mercurial in personality drive me round the fucking bend with it - again, with them, they weren't intentionally trying to be a complete dick, but they were *very* hard to take. I had to walk off.
And I watched a succession of following gfs walking off.
I stayed friends because she is hella funny and fun to be with and I have ZERO expectations as a friend.

I also didn't mean you, in particular.

I sort of meant general "you".

Because I *have* been accused of blow hot and cold when the differences are just compatibility. Mainly because the other person wants compromise ( of myyyyyy end lol) and they haven't grasped that I don't follow a romance novel form of lesbian love.

I don't rush stuff, I don't want to live with *anyone*, I don't get immediately emotionally involved. However, I can enjoy the shit out of people I like while things cook to see what happens.

This confuses people who follow more mainstream ideas of romance and I get accused of things, no matter how clear I am.

because the whole "controlling/narcissistic personality disorder" thing has rather exploded and they skip the part about "love bombing" - to ME what "regular" romance feels like is "love bombing" its too intense, there's no room, and it freaks me out. But I know it's just perspective on my part. Its not *actual* Love bombing.

So I don't accuse them of doing it.

so it was just a general caution, really.