Things you should never say on a date.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by WheatToast

That was hysterical!
Here's mine.
Blind date, running late, so I waited for her in the restaurant foyer. She had said before we met, "I 'spose I'm more femme than butch, whatever that means..." (Uh oh).
So, in she comes, with a face like Al Franken only more masculine, and a bobbed, moppy Tony Home perm that had lost its spring months earlier, dyed a putty-ish beige.
She wore a black cowboy shirt tucked into black Wranglers, super pointy black cowboy boots and a thick black leather belt with a giant cowboy belt buckle. It was spring, so the all-black was a rookie mistake for this big old gal, an Ohio native. I didn't mention it.
She also wore about a pint of generic sandalwood oil, covering each pulse point from her ankles to her ears. I could see the scent waves, it was so strong.
She was gruff, another trait I rarely seek in a lady friend, and when the waitress came to take our drink orders, she announced in her booming bass voice, "SEPARATE CHECKS, PLEASE."
(Really? :::eyeroll::: )
She had ordered some kind of boiled shrimp thing, served with the heads on. She made a dramatic presentation out of yanking the heads off, tipping the brains toward her lips and slurping them up so loud, I cringed and gagged at the same time.
By then, I was chugging down a dirty gin martini so fast, the observant waitress didn't have to ask if I wanted another.
Besides her non-stop talking about her ex-lover, "the horrible witch who done her wrong" (yes, she said done, not did) I finally jumped in and asked how recent their break up was. "Seven years," she said. "No, wait, it'll be eight years on the 27th of next month."
By then I was gin-brave and annoyed, so I sighed and said, "Jeeze, lady, maybe you ought to consider hypnosis or something."
She kept forgetting to stop talking about the ex, so I said, "When I raise this finger, it means you're back on your ex."
Finally, she looked up from slurping her remaining shrimp guts and eyeballs, looked me over and said, "Heyyyy, you look pretty dern muscular, that's great. You can help me move some heavy furniture upstairs in my new place."
I did not request a second date, nor did I visit her new place with a dolly and winch.

Years later, I was browsing through a lesbian dating site, looking to see if anyone had poked me.
Yep, there she was again, she'd poked me with her massive, sandalwood soaked finger.
I wrote and said we'd already had the pleasure, and she (probably) grunted as she typed, "Yeah, well, okay then, never mind."

I never saw Ms. Slingblade again. Yet.

Gee Wheat and here I thought I had handled myself so well on this date...........

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by homoe

Gee Wheat and here I thought I had handled myself so well on this date...........

God, wouldn't that be embarrassing!

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Not always. There are many flavors and expressions of butch, thank goodness.

It could be from a different dyke manual. I used the 2014 edition, bound in red leatherette. You?

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

"Could you please eat a little faster. I'm meeting my ex for drinks at 8 ."

Egads!
There was a woman I chased for months before she'd go out with me. The date was fun, and when she asked me to stay over at her place that night, I was thrilled. She tells to me to make myself at home while she's in the bathroom, so I shucked off all my clothes and got into her bed.
When she crawled in next to me, she said, "I hope you're not expecting any hanky panky."

S H I T.

I waited till she fell asleep, then I very quietly got dressed and got the hell out of there.
Twenty years later, I hooked her up with my recent ex who didn't like hanky panky much, either. They really hit it off...I guess.
When I hit it off with someone, there's plenty of hanky AND panky--that's why we hit it off!

[JDeere]

LOL

This one takes the cake for me.....

Just so you know, I am on probation/parole.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by WheatToast

It could be from a different dyke manual. I used the 2014 edition, bound in red leatherette. You?

lol

That must be it. I'm more of a pamphlet given with a flower in an airport kind of girl.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by Gemme

lol

That must be it. I'm more of a pamphlet given with a flower in an airport kind of girl.

Oh, that must be it. You got the Hari Krishna guide to butch designations. They are indeed more fluid than the official guide.

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by JDeere

LOL

This one takes the cake for me.....

Just so you know, I am on probation/parole.

Which begs the question...what for?

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by WheatToast

According the dyke manual, "tomboy" is from babyhood to age 16. From age 17-21 the term is Baby Butch. From 22-100 the term is Butch

There's a dyke manual? I detest the word dyke so maybe that's why I'm not in the know. I was never a baby butch. I can accept that I was a tomboy, but not the baby butch.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

There's a dyke manual? I detest the word dyke so maybe that's why I'm not in the know. I was never a baby butch. I can accept that I was a tomboy, but not the baby butch.

I understand.
I don't use the word dyke around straight people, but I've read several lesbian articles and spoken to many more, and they agree that we queers should take the word 'dyke' and make it our own--like Dykes on Bikes in the San Francisco Pride parade, or Alison Bechdel's iconic comic strip, "Dykes to Watch Out For (started in 1983!).
If you want a similar case of a disenfranchised group reappropriating an offensive word, look at the African American community, when they turned the N word into "n*gga" which is used in music, as a term of endearment, etc.
A black friend of mine once asked me if I was her n*gga.
I said sure, but can I ask you if you're my n*gga?
She said, "Yes, but not around anyone else. And don't use that word around black people, you'll get your ass kicked."
I hope that helps you, buddy.

[MaddieRobbie]

Let's see...

There was the "Let's meet for a drink" where the conversation at the bar in this very nice restaurant was going really well, the flirting was lively, and just after my date made a break for the bathroom the bartender leaned over the bar to tell me my charming date was here just last weekend and celebrating her 10th Anniversary...with her very pregnant wife.

(Phone rings) "I have to take this. It's my ex and she has the kids". I think to myself "OK, that seems reasonable". I soon find myself sitting there in front of my date who's saying threatening things to her ex about lawyers, custody, and restraining orders. The phone call ends abruptly. "So, what looks good...besides you?"

"I'm packing. Can you feel it under the table?" I said, yeah...that's kind of sexy...and guide my hand under the table to my date's pants and she says "No. I unzipped already and something happened. It fell out under the table. I think it's near you." (that was actually kind of funny...and my date was adorably horrified.).

[Lyte]

For the most part and for at least the first few dates... I avoid all the topics that one should avoid in the workplace: religion, politics, sex or past relationships, money, and family or health issues.

Conversely ... I don't usually date someone until I've known them for a little while (ala friendish first) so by the time we get around to dating one or more of the above topics has already come up in conversation.