Showing scars: what are your relationship fears? - Page 8

girl_dee · 04-04-2018, 03:55 PM

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

TL1 · 04-04-2018, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

Yes I know this feeling.

Except the butch of my dreams part

Bèsame* · 04-04-2018, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

That's how it's going to be for me. The rug is over there somewhere~~~~~~》

JDeere · 04-04-2018, 07:53 PM

Finding the right person at the wrong time but i think thats already happened.

BullDog · 04-04-2018, 08:26 PM

Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again.

After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave.

Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep.

clay · 04-04-2018, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again.

After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave.

Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep.

Ditto, Bully!

I am not "scarred" but broken in spirit! Those breaks do run very deep. It will be a while time before I open myself up again like the past ones....

Gemme · 04-05-2018, 05:55 AM

I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me.

I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone.

I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another.

Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science.

kittygrrl · 04-05-2018, 12:28 PM

i just wanted to say..reading your comments has taught me some things about myself..there is truth here and much bravery..i truly appreciate you. thank you

RockOn · 04-05-2018, 02:10 PM

hooking up with a self-centered liar and all the behaviors that go along with that ... I used to be such a truster and believer ... I keep my distance "safe" now. I choose this because I enjoy my life so much better this way ... I would describe it as a type of calm happiness.

Signmypapyrus · 04-18-2018, 06:48 PM

Hm, I guess since I’m relatively anonymous online I can state my fears... 🙈🙈
Like most people, I fear getting hurt, but I think because of some childhood issues which I posted about elsewhere, I’m incredibly wary of letting anyone close. My closest friends said it took *years* to get to know me because I keep people at a distance, or as my sister said, I’m “prickly.” I love being alone and I love my freedom, but I live with the terror I’ll go through that childhood stuff again.
In February, I made myself go out on a date and I actually liked the woman, but I just imagined all the awful things she could do so it turned into an awkward nightmare. I bet she’s a wonderful person and I wish I could apologize to her, but my brain sort of goes into panic mode.

introverted1 · 04-18-2018, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

This. This is my fear exactly.

girl_dee · 04-19-2018, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by introverted1

This. This is my fear exactly.

yes yes... i am glad someone understands... , i fear letting go and being totally confident that it will be the happy ever after that i didn’t think existed

cathexis · 04-19-2018, 03:46 PM

Fear of abandonment--Big Time.

Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back
when necessary.

girl_dee · 04-19-2018, 03:47 PM

i’ve lived a tough life, i fear being judged on it.

Signmypapyrus · 04-19-2018, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cathexis

Fear of abandonment--Big Time.

Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back
when necessary.

Yes, yes, and yes.

WheatToast · 09-09-2018, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirenManda

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

Seems like you'd be easy to deal with because you're so direct. I like that!
Anyway...
I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues.
I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am.
I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either.
Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars.
Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own.
To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous.
I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh.
What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single.

I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions.

Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva).

Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't.

Chad · 09-09-2018, 05:49 PM

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

Gemme · 09-09-2018, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

homoe · 09-09-2018, 06:17 PM

........

.......

girl_dee · 09-09-2018, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

((((((((( Gemme ))))))))))))))

i absolutely hear you. i absolutely adore you, too

This is the stuff strong femmes are made of.

04-04-2018, 08:26 PM	#145
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,693 Times in 4,464 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Fear that I have already risked all for love and won't be able to do it again. After spending so much time being bold and brave for love and giving it my all and getting seriously burned and scarred in the process, and then finding the person who truly loves me and treats me better than anyone else ever has but staying in the safety of my cave. Not being brave at the right time for the right one. I'm usually very bold in all matters but the scars do indeed run very deep. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

04-05-2018, 05:55 AM	#147
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,496 Thanked 108,181 Times in 25,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me. I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone. I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another. Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

04-05-2018, 12:28 PM	#148
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: wildflower Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in raindrops Posts: 9,220 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,543 Thanked 21,856 Times in 7,002 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	i just wanted to say..reading your comments has taught me some things about myself..there is truth here and much bravery..i truly appreciate you. thank you __________________ "MAKE AMERICA THINK AGAIN"

04-18-2018, 06:48 PM	#150
Signmypapyrus Junior Member How Do You Identify?: * Preferred Pronoun?: * Join Date: Mar 2018 Location: * Posts: 66 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 59 Thanked 181 Times in 53 Posts Rep Power: 1675671	Hm, I guess since I’m relatively anonymous online I can state my fears... 🙈🙈 Like most people, I fear getting hurt, but I think because of some childhood issues which I posted about elsewhere, I’m incredibly wary of letting anyone close. My closest friends said it took years to get to know me because I keep people at a distance, or as my sister said, I’m “prickly.” I love being alone and I love my freedom, but I live with the terror I’ll go through that childhood stuff again. In February, I made myself go out on a date and I actually liked the woman, but I just imagined all the awful things she could do so it turned into an awkward nightmare. I bet she’s a wonderful person and I wish I could apologize to her, but my brain sort of goes into panic mode. __________________ “(I)f we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.” --from Disgrace by JM Coetzee

09-09-2018, 05:49 PM	#157
Chad Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Loved Caregiver Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 6,164 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,746 Thanked 20,320 Times in 5,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Scars I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship. Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family. Femmes can be violent too.

04-04-2018, 03:55 PM	#141
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,862 Times in 13,915 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. shudders

04-04-2018, 07:53 PM	#144
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,845 Times in 9,708 Posts Rep Power: 21474864	Finding the right person at the wrong time but i think thats already happened.

04-05-2018, 02:10 PM	#149
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	hooking up with a self-centered liar and all the behaviors that go along with that ... I used to be such a truster and believer ... I keep my distance "safe" now. I choose this because I enjoy my life so much better this way ... I would describe it as a type of calm happiness.

04-19-2018, 03:46 PM	#153
cathexis Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Trotskyist, Anarcho-syndicalist Preferred Pronoun?: They, Them, Their, Sir Bitch Relationship Status: open Join Date: Sep 2016 Location: Great White North! Posts: 4,332 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,812 Thanked 4,710 Times in 1,605 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Fear of abandonment--Big Time. Finally able to let go of control, but also can grab it back when necessary.

04-19-2018, 03:47 PM	#154
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,862 Times in 13,915 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	i’ve lived a tough life, i fear being judged on it.

09-09-2018, 06:17 PM	#159
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,571 Times in 14,919 Posts Rep Power: 21474890	...............