Caregivers and Stress

RockOn · 03-25-2019, 08:32 PM

Bless your Mom, your Sister and YOU.
Heart touching story! Thanks!

GeorgiaMa'am · 04-29-2019, 07:09 PM

This was not a great weekend with my mom, and now I'm exhausted. Just driving all the way to see her wears me out, and I usually try to take Monday off when I get back to rest up and get ready for the coming week. But no, I rolled in here late last night, and I had to get up early today to get ready for work (visit from the new president - three days).

She has now started obsessing over things she has to remember. She must have checked her medication 40 times on Saturday, to make sure she had taken it. I guess that's better than her forgetting it. But she fussed over it every time, full of worry. It's hard to see her feel so compelled.

She also cried over my dad - but the bad part is that she quickly stifled herself, not giving in to the tears, and berated herself for not being "strong, like other women". I know she still cries, which is sad, but it's normal I think. She met my dad in high school and they were together until just two years ago. He was her entire life. What's worse is that she's still grieving so deeply, and not feeling it's okay for her to do so, and she doesn't feel like she should share these feelings with anybody. I tried to be sympathetic and say the right things, but she doesn't really want my sympathy.

She wants us to go on pretending like everything is okay. Of course, everything is not okay. In addition to my dad being gone, her memory seemed to be worse this time. Even more terrible is that she beats herself up over it, as though she should be able to control this awful dementia that is taking her language skills and memories away.

We were able to have some good talks this weekend, and we ate some delicious food (that I prepared, with her "help". We used to be able to cook together, as long as she was only in charge of a single thing, but now even that is getting beyond her, and she knows it.)

I'm starting to miss my mom. And yet, she's still here. But in some ways, she's not.

GeorgiaMa'am · 05-21-2019, 03:59 PM

I saw my mom this weekend, and it was much better than the last time I saw her. She was a little more together, and her word mix-ups didn't seem to bother her so much. She has started a gigantic new flower bed project - probably 300 square feet. We had a good time looking up plants for it in her horticulture books - since I am in no way capable of helping her dig up anything.

She's quite pleased that two bluebirds have moved into one of her birdhouses. They are fairly rare in her area, and you have to have just the right accommodations to attract them to your yard.

We were able to cook together this time; she was able to help more than she could last time. We had some good conversations, and I gave her a back massage, which she loves. I guess we are in a phase where some times are just better than other times, and the times go up and down. I'm hoping so, I would much rather have it fluctuating than have the downward trend that I feared last time I visited.

I was able to take Monday off this time too, so it wasn't so hard for me to get back in the swing of things after I returned home. I'm just going to have to resign myself to going with the flow, and always taking a vacation day after each trip. Fortunately, I have a lot of them.

Femmewench · 05-22-2019, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

I saw my mom this weekend, and it was much better than the last time I saw her.

We were able to cook together this time; she was able to help more than she could last time.

One of the things I did when visiting my parents when they lived in their last house was not help at times. I needed to see what they were doing and how they were doing it. There were a couple of things I never knew.

My mom's routine was dependent on my dad's needs; once he went into the hospital one day ahead of her (both with pneumonia,) my brother found her in her nightgown at 8 PM having burned something in the microwave. She'd never gotten dressed that day. The tv was on a fuzz channel since she couldn't turn on the cable. We were so concentrated on my dad whose short term memory was gone, we didn't look at my mom.

Hospitals and skilled nursing facilities will work with you when both of your parents are incapable of making their own decisions. My parents both had powers of attorney, etc. These required that they be seen by their PCP and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist wasn't a problem. PCPs won't visit their patients in a hospital or skilled nursing facility. The patient has to go to them.

I hope your mom has all the needed paperwork to make it easier for you to care for her. I hope you also have this paperwork for yourself.

I hope she continues to remain in her home as long as it is safe and comfortable for her to do so and that any transition is smooth.

Best of luck to you.

GeorgiaMa'am · 05-22-2019, 06:56 PM

Femmewench, thank you for your thoughtful words and insights. It's a worthwhile idea to observe my mother when I'm not helping her; it's just so hard to watch her struggle and be frustrated.

I admit I've been remiss in getting all that paperwork completed for myself. Thank goodness we do have everything in order for my mom.

It is my and my sister's goal to have her live in her own home as long as she wants to and is capable of doing so. She already spends about a third of her time at my sister's house, living in her own suite. At some point, I expect she will get tired of bouncing back and forth, but for now it suits her to live in two places.

Best wishes.

Chad · 09-10-2019, 02:06 AM

My mom has lived with me for a year. I feel like I lost a little of me in this. I like my independence but that seems lost too. I had shoulder surgery and everytime she heard me get up she came running. I know it is sweet but sometimes I need to be alone. I was under the weather this weekend and she did leave me alone, I was grateful for that. It's hard because I like to be alone.

Kelt · 09-21-2019, 01:33 PM

Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it.

A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode.

I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal.

It still sucks.

03-25-2019, 08:32 PM	#1
RockOn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: sitting over there ----->>>>> :) Preferred Pronoun?: .... Relationship Status: .... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .... Posts: 3,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,081 Thanked 10,304 Times in 2,610 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Georgia Ma'am Bless your Mom, your Sister and YOU. Heart touching story! Thanks!

04-29-2019, 07:09 PM	#2
GeorgiaMa'am Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: Ma'am Relationship Status: widowed - involved, poly Join Date: May 2010 Location: Georgia Posts: 6,461 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,740 Thanked 28,529 Times in 5,831 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	This was not a great weekend with my mom, and now I'm exhausted. Just driving all the way to see her wears me out, and I usually try to take Monday off when I get back to rest up and get ready for the coming week. But no, I rolled in here late last night, and I had to get up early today to get ready for work (visit from the new president - three days). She has now started obsessing over things she has to remember. She must have checked her medication 40 times on Saturday, to make sure she had taken it. I guess that's better than her forgetting it. But she fussed over it every time, full of worry. It's hard to see her feel so compelled. She also cried over my dad - but the bad part is that she quickly stifled herself, not giving in to the tears, and berated herself for not being "strong, like other women". I know she still cries, which is sad, but it's normal I think. She met my dad in high school and they were together until just two years ago. He was her entire life. What's worse is that she's still grieving so deeply, and not feeling it's okay for her to do so, and she doesn't feel like she should share these feelings with anybody. I tried to be sympathetic and say the right things, but she doesn't really want my sympathy. She wants us to go on pretending like everything is okay. Of course, everything is not okay. In addition to my dad being gone, her memory seemed to be worse this time. Even more terrible is that she beats herself up over it, as though she should be able to control this awful dementia that is taking her language skills and memories away. We were able to have some good talks this weekend, and we ate some delicious food (that I prepared, with her "help". We used to be able to cook together, as long as she was only in charge of a single thing, but now even that is getting beyond her, and she knows it.) I'm starting to miss my mom. And yet, she's still here. But in some ways, she's not. __________________ -GeorgiaMa'am It's true that you are blessed and lucky It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. -10,000 Maniacs

05-21-2019, 03:59 PM	#3
GeorgiaMa'am Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: Ma'am Relationship Status: widowed - involved, poly Join Date: May 2010 Location: Georgia Posts: 6,461 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,740 Thanked 28,529 Times in 5,831 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I saw my mom this weekend, and it was much better than the last time I saw her. She was a little more together, and her word mix-ups didn't seem to bother her so much. She has started a gigantic new flower bed project - probably 300 square feet. We had a good time looking up plants for it in her horticulture books - since I am in no way capable of helping her dig up anything. She's quite pleased that two bluebirds have moved into one of her birdhouses. They are fairly rare in her area, and you have to have just the right accommodations to attract them to your yard. We were able to cook together this time; she was able to help more than she could last time. We had some good conversations, and I gave her a back massage, which she loves. I guess we are in a phase where some times are just better than other times, and the times go up and down. I'm hoping so, I would much rather have it fluctuating than have the downward trend that I feared last time I visited. I was able to take Monday off this time too, so it wasn't so hard for me to get back in the swing of things after I returned home. I'm just going to have to resign myself to going with the flow, and always taking a vacation day after each trip. Fortunately, I have a lot of them. __________________ -GeorgiaMa'am It's true that you are blessed and lucky It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. -10,000 Maniacs

05-22-2019, 06:56 PM	#5
GeorgiaMa'am Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: Ma'am Relationship Status: widowed - involved, poly Join Date: May 2010 Location: Georgia Posts: 6,461 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,740 Thanked 28,529 Times in 5,831 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Femmewench, thank you for your thoughtful words and insights. It's a worthwhile idea to observe my mother when I'm not helping her; it's just so hard to watch her struggle and be frustrated. I admit I've been remiss in getting all that paperwork completed for myself. Thank goodness we do have everything in order for my mom. It is my and my sister's goal to have her live in her own home as long as she wants to and is capable of doing so. She already spends about a third of her time at my sister's house, living in her own suite. At some point, I expect she will get tired of bouncing back and forth, but for now it suits her to live in two places. Best wishes. __________________ -GeorgiaMa'am It's true that you are blessed and lucky It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. -10,000 Maniacs

09-10-2019, 02:06 AM	#6
Chad Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Loved Caregiver Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 6,164 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,746 Thanked 20,311 Times in 5,677 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Caregivers My mom has lived with me for a year. I feel like I lost a little of me in this. I like my independence but that seems lost too. I had shoulder surgery and everytime she heard me get up she came running. I know it is sweet but sometimes I need to be alone. I was under the weather this weekend and she did leave me alone, I was grateful for that. It's hard because I like to be alone.

09-21-2019, 01:33 PM	#7
Kelt Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Beach Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: SoCal Posts: 2,751 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19,765 Thanked 15,274 Times in 2,538 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it. A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode. I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal. It still sucks.