Question to butches and how they deal with differences in dating

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Bèsame*

Its all about timing and whether or not it's sincere. I can usually tell, if it's about the moment, something I'm wearing or was brought up in conversation. It's obvious if you pulled that compliment from out of no where. There is no face value, perhaps an ulterior motive would be suspected. But again, all about timing.

I think that's part of it for sure. If someone is wearing a tie I can't keep my eyes off, I'll say "that's a *cracking* tie you've got on" but I don't turn to someone in the morning and say "you look lovely today, my darling" just because they are standing there and I want to be nice. That feels awkward to be on the recivieng end for me - compliments to be gracious and positive and not deeply felt. Again, I hate excess of sentiment though and would prefer they made me laugh or giggle with a joke and a wink, if they want to be positive and make me feel good.

It doesn't mean I dont enjoy good manners, it means I wasn't taught that way and I don't fit into that formula of "how to be polite"

That's why when I date some one, compatible sense of humour is one of stop three traits I need in partner. Someone who understands I prefer wit, playful sarcasm, teasing and endearment rather than formal politeness, ritual gratuity, and sentimental outpouring. I know I don't fit into other peoples molds of "what girls like" but you know we are all individuals and I don't like people getting arsey because I don't fit into a math formula about "wot u do to treat girlz so they likes me".

Butches are blokey. Blokes like tools. I'm going to give a butch a saw cause that's what butches like, right? What do you mean not all butches want a saw? This is so complicated! Its like no one has old school values anymore.

I know the above is silly, but that's what it often looks like to me. How about, a butch is an individual person with individual family history and cultural upbringing as well as a personality. So I'm going to find out what that butch wants by talking to them and not taking it as a blow to my ego if I make a mistake. If they are a dick about it, then they can bugger off.

Edit to add: if they *want* me to verbally praise them I will do my best and find reason to. However if they want it more than what feels fun or natural to me and it feels like I'm trying to hard then its not going to feel good for them either. Just like me asking someone to " be more witty" is not going to really work. I do absolutely take my partners needs into co aideration, but again, if we are dating, rather than being a partner, it's going to be quite noticeable where something like this is really clunky in a way that won't jive.

Like one person I dated for a few weeks really wanted a lot of praise and reassurance. For me it was a lot. It found it to start to get on my nerves. To someone else, it may be natural to give that level. She also gave lots and lots of unasked for praise to me about stuff and again, I found that gave me a facial tick. It grated. Badly. Every time wed hang out shed tell me I was a "generous spirit" and I tried to get her to stop but she told me I didn't know how to take a proper compliment. And I'd better get used to it (boundary crossing alert...)

But I'm sire there would be others who loved it!

Again, for me, whole point of dating.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Every time wed hang out shed tell me I was a "generous spirit" and I tried to get her to stop but she told me I didn't know how to take a proper compliment.

I dated this woman once who constantly told me how kind I was. "You're so kind", "You have such a kind way about you", you're really a kind and compassionate person" and on and on and on with that "kind" thing. It got so I would cringe every time I heard a hard K come out of her mouth. I started thinking about what I could do to change her mind about how kind I was. I fantasized how the next time she said how kind I was I would punch her in the face. I figured that would do it. What I ended up doing is what I always do. I talked the issue to death. Whenever she would say how kind I was I would engage her in conversation about what she might mean by kind and how it is a bit of an abstract concept and how can a person be kind, they can act kind sometimes but I doubt they can just be kind like they can be blond. I told her ways in which I was not kind at all. I asked her to consider the possibility that she was more invested in thinking of me as kind than I ever was in being kind. And so and so on. She grew weary of me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Have I told you lately how kind I think you are Miss Tick?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Have I told you lately how kind I think you are Miss Tick?

Well now there's that generous spirit I've heard so much about!

[homoe]

Miss Tick, it was so kind of you to post and share~thanks

[homoe]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

Perhaps "romance" and "romantic gestures" are a bit like the rapidly dying arts of giving and receiving compliments, increasingly fraught with awkwardness and suspicion. Personally, I'd rather just gratefully enjoy the moment and (maybe) worry about what you really had in mind, later.

Gosh I sure hope this isn't so!

I love romance and romance gesture, both giving and receiving. And as I always say a compliment costs nothing to give and it could make a person's day.....

Sidebar: When I say compliment it could be something as simple as telling someone how becoming their hairstyle is on them, or what a striking outfit, shoe, purse etc etc, perhaps even a compliment on the color/shade of said items.