Caregivers and Stress

[Chad]

In March mom will be 89 years old. She has lived with me for almost 3 years. She can barely walk but she has most of her mind intact. I wish that we could have a birthday party but it is too risky.

[Chad]

A lot of folks have suggested that I put mom in a home but I just can't do that. Mom and Dad adopted me at birth. I come from Georgia blood. They gave me shelter, food, and safety for 18 years. I owe them a debt. My dad is gone but as long as my mom is alive I will repay that debt. She does not want for anything I provide her a good life.

Yes, it is hard sometimes and I struggle with it but if you think about it our parents struggled with us too.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Originally Posted by Chad

A lot of folks have suggested that I put mom in a home but I just can't do that. Mom and Dad adopted me at birth. I come from Georgia blood. They gave me shelter, food, and safety for 18 years. I owe them a debt. My dad is gone but as long as my mom is alive I will repay that debt. She does not want for anything I provide her a good life.

Yes, it is hard sometimes and I struggle with it but if you think about it our parents struggled with us too.

I understand, especially considering what some of those places are like. My mom had to put her mother in Central State Hospital in the Alzheimer's care unit, and she was there for nearly 20 years. My grandmother had become violent and there was no other choice; no private home would take her, and my mom could not defend herself. But my mom never abandoned her; she joined the board of the facility, and was a strong advocate for patient rights. My mom went to see her mother every week, and took her clothes home to wash; she felt that if she washed my grandmother's clothes, it was a strong message to the staff that someone was keeping a close eye on my grandmother. My mom continued to see her at least weekly until my grandmother passed away, even after my grandmother had completely lost all of her faculties and did not recognize my mother at all; for the last few years, she lay in her bed all the time and did not even talk. But my mom was there to make sure she was being rotated regularly to prevent bedsores and to wash her clothes.

As I've said here before, my sister and I will do our very best to prevent anything like that happening to our mom. My sister has a suite built in her home for our mom; our mom stays there overnight sometimes now, like when she has a hair appointment early the next day (because my sister is 45 minutes closer to her hair dresser); or like on weekends or at holidays, or just wants to get out of her own house. But, she never really wants to leave her own house, and my sister and I do everything we can to make sure she can stay there on her own as long as she wants. My mom has had the first of her Covid vaccinations, and as soon as I have mine, I'm going to stay with her for awhile. I can work from there as easily as I can from home, and it will take some of the work off my sister.

All this is to say, just hang in there, and appreciate the times with your mom while you can. Just like when we were children, being cared for by our parents, we will never get these days back again.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

I understand, especially considering what some of those places are like. My mom had to put her mother in Central State Hospital in the Alzheimer's care unit, and she was there for nearly 20 years. My grandmother had become violent and there was no other choice; no private home would take her, and my mom could not defend herself. But my mom never abandoned her; she joined the board of the facility, and was a strong advocate for patient rights. My mom went to see her mother every week, and took her clothes home to wash; she felt that if she washed my grandmother's clothes, it was a strong message to the staff that someone was keeping a close eye on my grandmother. My mom continued to see her at least weekly until my grandmother passed away, even after my grandmother had completely lost all of her faculties and did not recognize my mother at all; for the last few years, she lay in her bed all the time and did not even talk. But my mom was there to make sure she was being rotated regularly to prevent bedsores and to wash her clothes.

As I've said here before, my sister and I will do our very best to prevent anything like that happening to our mom. My sister has a suite built in her home for our mom; our mom stays there overnight sometimes now, like when she has a hair appointment early the next day (because my sister is 45 minutes closer to her hair dresser); or like on weekends or at holidays, or just wants to get out of her own house. But, she never really wants to leave her own house, and my sister and I do everything we can to make sure she can stay there on her own as long as she wants. My mom has had the first of her Covid vaccinations, and as soon as I have mine, I'm going to stay with her for awhile. I can work from there as easily as I can from home, and it will take some of the work off my sister.

All this is to say, just hang in there, and appreciate the times with your mom while you can. Just like when we were children, being cared for by our parents, we will never get these days back again.

I am sorry that your family went through that. My heart feels sad for your mom. I wish your family peace.

[Chad]

I am under a lot of stress this week because of the ice storm in Texas. We lost electricity and water. To care for us I had to heat the house using the fireplace and find water using ice and snow. We have electricity now but no water.

My job starts again on Monday but we still have no water. It is such a struggle.

[Chad]

Mom got the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

In a few days she will be 89 years old and wants fried chicken for her birthday meal. We are so Texan about food. Haha!

[Chad]

Mom got her second dose of the vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

Her body is failing. She can barely walk with assistance. We got a prescription for some ADA structures.

I don't think that I can go back to the office full time. I am her only help.

It is hard on me everyday but this is a debt and I always pay my debts. As long as my mom lives she will be treated as a queen. My dad started that and I will finish it

[Kelt]

My mother passed

She was very pampered and comfortable, going peacefully in her sleep as I had hoped she would.

I want to thank the folks in this thread who have been supportive of me for the last six years while I have been on this journey with her. You’ve been great.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom went to live in the nursing home today.

My sister took her alone. Several people advised us that the fewer family members that went to drop her off, the better. Too many people would just be confusing for my mom and would prevent her from settling in. The people at the nursing home also advised us to wait 5-6 weeks before visiting her. My sister said, "No way" and told me she was going to be there every day, even if it was just to put eyes on our mom while she was eating in the dining room.

The home is only six minutes from my sister's house. We both feel really lucky to have found a nice, appropriate place so close to my sister. My sister knows many of the people who work there (she knows everybody in her town - she was a teacher for many years and it seems like half the population ended up in her class at one time or another). There is low turnover in the staff. The home is clean and the rooms are nice. The food is acceptable. (Mom must have liked it, because they reported she "cleaned her plate" at lunch today.)

I've got more feelings about this, but I'll have to write more later.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

So, my sister did not wait even one day to go see our mom again. Right after she finished updating me, she went right back to take our mom some odds and ends she had forgotten to pack. Then today my sister went to visit Mom again. The staff reported that she had slept well. I was glad to hear this; it was one of the things I worried about last night at 4 am when I was awake thinking about her.

My sister said Mom seemed more settled today. This is surprising to me; our entire lives, my sister and I were made to promise to our Mom and our Dad that we would never put Mom in "one of those places". Our grandmother lived with us for awhile when she had Alzheimer's, and she eventually became violent. Because of the violence, the only place that would take her was the state mental hospital. My mother was terrified of ending up there one day herself.

This nursing home is much nicer than the mental hospital where my grandmother lived for 10+/- years. Still, Mom was always adamantly against living anywhere except her own home. It was a battle to get her to live with my sister for two years. On the one hand, I feel guilty for not finding some way to help my sister keep our mom in her own home, or at least at my sister's home. On the other hand, I feel angry at our parents for ever making us promise such a thing. After all, they had tried to keep our grandmother in our home and couldn't. But our mom was terrified, and our dad loved Mom so much that he would have promised anything she wanted.

I may be going straight to Hell.

(Luckily, I don't believe in Hell. But if there's a place for ungrateful, bad children, I may end up there.)

[MrSunshine]

Originally Posted by Chad

A lot of folks have suggested that I put mom in a home but I just can't do that. Mom and Dad adopted me at birth. I come from Georgia blood. They gave me shelter, food, and safety for 18 years. I owe them a debt. My dad is gone but as long as my mom is alive I will repay that debt. She does not want for anything I provide her a good life.

Yes, it is hard sometimes and I struggle with it but if you think about it our parents struggled with us too.

I came down to get my mom out of a home my sister put her in and it caused my mom a rapid decline. I got her out within months and she was gone after seven months of living with me. Putting her in that home just made her snowball downward. It really broke her heart and I would not suggest it.

It was really hard at times with my mom but I still would go back and do it again. She’s been gone a few months now and I miss her every single day even the bad stuff.
Yeah. hang on to her for as long as you have her. ❤️