Auntie Diva's Story Time

[morningstar55]

Originally Posted by Diva

Hello, boys and girls....

Auntie Diva's Story Time has arrived.....

Occasionally, something of an amusing nature will happen to your Auntie Diva and she will make a story from it. If you want to come and listen, I will bestow up you your "cousin name".....don't argue with me or your Auntie Diva will make you get a switch from her pecan tree.

So stay tuned, kids.....Auntie Diva went to the doctor this morning and there's a story right there! I'll be back to tell you all about it.

Auntie Diva may or may not embellish.


Signed,
Auntie Diva, story~teller for the children......

mmm .. umm . **innocent bashful look.... and in a quiet voice**... i like pecans

[Diva]

Good afternoon, boys and girls....its way past time for another story from your Auntie Diva!!!

Yes...it's been a long time, but there haven't been any stories to tell....ok, none that were FIT to tell the children......

But alas, I have one today, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva went to The Ikea....and mayhem ensued. Oh yes, it did, boys and girls.

Your cousin Tabitha and I decided to visit The Ikea (there's an acronym in there somewhere) for a little Retail Therapy, boys and girls. Can you say "Retail Therapy"? Yes! This is when you decide that life is getting you down and so you decide to go spend money that you probably shouldn't spend, ignoring the clear reality that, soon, that, too, will come back to bite your ass in a most unpleasant way.

But your Auntie Diva digresses.

Well....so the day before we were to go to The Ikea, your Auntie Diva was taking a shower (she does some of her best thinking there) and it occurred to her that she had double~booked!

OH NO! boys and girls, OH NO!

Yes, it's true.

Your Auntie Diva got a new dishwasher and it was to be delivered around the same time as your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva were to have breakfast ~ to gird our loins ~ before the grand shopping expedition.

So your Auntie Diva picked up the phone and called your cousin Tabitha to inform her that perhaps we could go a little later ~ the dishwasher was to be delivered in the morning.

Well, Rudy called me the next morning to tell me that the delivery would probably be "a little later....noon". That was ok.....The Ikea closes at nine. More than enough time to do some damage....I mean, get some good therapy.

You see what is about to happen here, don't You boys and girls?

Yes....the morning passed slowly. No dishwasher. At 1:27, your Auntie Diva decided to have some conversation with Mr. Rudy and he then informed me that Martin would probably not be there until between 4 and 6.

Was your Auntie Diva happy to hear this news? Oh no, boys and girls, no she was not. This could only mean that more therapy would need to take place.

Your cousin Tabitha decided to come over and we waited for Martin. Wait, wait, wait, boys and girls. There was just so much scratching of Lucy's tummy we could do. Then.....our eyes lit up because we hear the sound of a big truck coming! It was like Santa!

It was 5:20-ish. They brought the dishwasher....it was lovely.....I shooed Martin out the door and your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva made like a bat out of h-e-double hockey sticks for Therapy.

We made it to the Therapist's Office around 6....that still gave us 3 good hours, right?

We got inside and took a deep breath.....ah....the lovely scent of household merchandise......shop, Auntie Diva, SHOP!

We touched pretty much everything......the bath mats....the baskets....the candles....the magnetic spice racks and the coffee presses......but then, it was time to load up the serious stuff.....Auntie Diva was getting a book case.

There they were...all stacked up in the boxes....but could your Auntie Diva even budge that sucker? Oh hell no.

Just then, we saw a guy with his back to us in a bright yellow shirt. Your cousin Tabitha said, "Excuse me, could you help us?"

He stood up and turned around......

I do believe your cousin Tabitha and your Auntie Diva held hands and our collective drool ran from one corner of our lipsticked lips.....for there, boys and girls.....there facing us......even now, I'm holding my breath....facing us was one of the loveliest butches we had ever seen. We won't discuss the age of this gorgeous hunk of Universal creation, but suffice it to say the word "Cougar" MAY have crossed my mind.

So she came over to help us, and I'm pretty sure I decided I wanted 6 more of those bookcases....

It was a heavenly moment as we stalked ~ I mean followed her down the other aisle as she helped someone else.

Then, we checked out and decided we needed sustenance in the form of Cajun food. So your cousin Tabitha called cousin Charmer to meet us and off we went to the Razoo's across the driveway from The Ikea....in our weakened condition, we could not drive too far.

To be continued......

[Diva]

.....so......
we drove across the driveway and I let your cousin Tabitha out to get our name on the list. Of course, just as soon as I did, there was a parking place (your Auntie Diva has good parking karma, boys and girls) right there by the restaurant!

We had a 20 minute wait, but we got to sit on the bench by the door ~ inside and out of the humidity. We were also close to the hostess stand where all the cute little waitresses with their fake~bake tans would come and hang out.

One of them gave me the pager, but I swear, boys and girls, it looked like a taser gun! I may have remarked same to the girl who handed it to me....and she came back over and said she agreed and then she stuck her arm out for me to "taser".

I believe the tanning beds might add a bit of smart ass to one's personality, for she jerked her body around as though I DID taser her, which in turn, scared your Auntie Diva!!! They all laughed and made sport of me. But then i said...."You better watch out! I'm an old woman and I believe I just peed myself!"

For just a split second, she believe I may very well HAD peed myself and we may have laughed so hard then, I believe I might have peed myself then! LOL! It was a moment of levity, boys and girls!

So then we were seated. Your cousin Charmer had yet to arrive, but we ordered an appetizer of fried alligator and rat toes. Don't ask, boys and girls......but there are rats running amok on tiny little crutches somewhere....

I digress.

We also ordered some sort of frozen concoction which had melon and raspberry liqueur in it. It was worth it just to get the Mardi Gras beads, boys and girls! It was festive.

It HAD occurred to us to SAVE some of the fried alligator for your cousin Charmer....but we kept talking and kept eating until ~ OH NO ~ there was none left.....just as cousin Charmer walked in the door, your cousin Tabitha tripped a poor busboy and got him to carry off the evidence....I mean the empty plate.

The older I get, boys and girls, the more difficult it is to maintain a look of innocence. But it looked something like this:

We ordered our food then from our waiter, Val, whose most charming feature was to say "My pleasure" every 2 seconds. He rather looked like one of last season's American Idol top 10 contestants with the blond dreads and the guitar...remember him, boys and girls? Val ~ whose name, he was quick to inform us, was short for Valentino ~ didn't know who I meant, when I mentioned this to him. But his MOTHER would know as she watches it all the time.

At one point, boys and girls, we needed Val's assistance. Your cousins were sweetly waving to him, trying to get his attention. He was standing just outside the door, holding court with about 5 of the fake bakers.....after about 30 seconds of their genteel waving, your Auntie Diva said, "Oh please!" and cupped her hands around her mouth and ~ in her best middle school teacher, Toppy McTopperson voice, yelled, "VAL!"

He heard me.

We allowed Val My Pleasure to talk us into a bread pudding. We thought we might each get one, but Val My Pleasure said they were pretty good sized so we opted for one and 3 spoons.

It was a good thing we did that, boys and girls, as that bread pudding was THE SIZE OF MY HEAD! But it was ever so yummy! And a grand way to end our Retail Therapy!

We drove to La Hacienda, full as full can be....

It was a good day, boys and girls.....a very good day! And so ends another story from your Auntie Diva!

[Ms. Tabitha]

I do believe IKEA will NEVER be the same again.
My side still hurts from laughing so hard!
Great night and great shopping!!

[TxsCharmr]

Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA.
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!!
Cuzn Charmr

[Diva]

Originally Posted by TxsCharmr

Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA.
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!!
Cuzn Charmr

It was the fried alligator and the rat toes....just sayin'....

[Ms. Tabitha]

Originally Posted by TxsCharmr

Yes, yall, it was a most joyful evening with two spectacular ladies....but....As I arrived at the dinner table it was like starin at two rabid dawgs. They were both still foamin at the mouth from the encounter at IKEA.
It was indeed an experience and Razoo's gets two thumbs up for food and service!!
Cuzn Charmr

OK.. I don't know about that foamin thing.. seriously
I do know that I should stick to a glass of wine and NOT a frozen whatever-the-hell-that-was with mardi gras beads and a sword
Thanks to "VAL" and Chick Fil A, I now find myself wanting to say, "My pleasure"instead of "Thank you".
I wonder how that will go over on a 911 call?

[Diva]

Gather 'round, boys and girls! It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!

This is the multifaceted story of you Auntie Diva's Amazing Olympic Trial Audition for The Retail Therapy, combined with "Let's Learn Our Colors, cousin Charmer"......

So, as some of you may know, your Auntie Diva was turned down for a teaching job late last night. Perhaps it was that jail time she experienced for having led a counterfiet ring for those fake Mrs. Baird's bread bags.....I thought there was a market for it.....but your Auntie Diva was sadly mistaken.

Who knew?

But your Auntie Diva digresses, as she is prone to do.

OH! Your Auntie Diva said "prone".

But I digress again.

Oh look! There's a chicken!

Again.






ANYway.....

Your cousin Tabitha picked up your Auntie Diva at the a$$crack of dawn, wherein we proceded to The Kerbey Lane breakfast heaven.

Our waiter ~ I'll call him Skippy ~ was just a wee bit too perky for your Auntie Diva (having had no coffee at this point) and unfortunately, he was training a cute little tattooed girl how to be just like him. Run, little tattooed girl, run!

But alas....she did not listen to your Auntie Diva.

Following breakfast, we proceeded to go to the North Country....land of cousin Puplove and cousin Oilerhunk......and there, your cousin Tabitha had to go into a hospital where she had to give blood.

Your Auntie Diva stayed in the car (running of course, so as to be blessed with the conditioned air) so she could take a little catnap.

According to your cousin Tabitha, she walked into a room full of MeeMaws and PeePaws who were old enough to be your Great Aunts and Great Uncles! They saw her comin', boys and girls, and they charged up their little scooters and popped wheelies in their chairs....and surrounded her in a manner of Chief Sitting Bull at Custer's Last Stand......some of the men may have been drooling and the MeeMaws may have been smacking their gums together.....at least she THOUGHT those were their gums....

The "5 minutes" she was told, turned into over an hour.....translation: your Auntie Diva got a very lovely nap!

Then off we went to pick up your cousin Charmer down south and run a little errand. Drive, cousin Tabitha, drive!

That accomplished, we then proceeded as fast as the law would allow, to The Magical Heaven that IS The Hobby Lobby.

And....as The Universe would have it, there was a 50% sale for all things Scrackbook related. Did I mention "Heaven"? Yes. And we were Scrackbook Angels, boys and girls. Yes we were! And, it was perfect as we floated gaily through the aisles to the religious Muzak of "Just As I Am" and "How Great Thou Art"......It is very difficult to push 4 baskets at the same time, boys and girls.

My basket was immediately drawn to the clearance wall where much stocking of the basket ensued. Your Auntie Diva may have been heard to be singing along with the Muzak Hymns, as she loaded her basket with goodies! (There is an X~rated story in there somewhere, boys and girls.....)

This festival of buying completed, we loaded up the trunk with our goods and proceeded to a new little Asian restaurant ~ Rosie's Pho....boys and girls, your Auntie Diva is pretty certain that was a typo......it was really probably named "Rosie's Pho Sure.....but she is not 100% positive about that.

At first, there were not many people there....but clearly, some announcement was made ~ they heard we had arrived, and the throngs of folks entered, clammoring to sit next to us.

Of course, we ordered entirely too much food. Your Auntie Diva has enough to make it for 2 more meals!!!

Then, we had the discussion of the colors of the restaurant.....your cousin Charmer was fairly convinced that one of the doors was painted a rosy mauve ( ), howevere, the door was clearly brown. There was an olive colored wall ("green" to cousin Charmer) and then a pumpkin spice colored wall, which I believe your cousin Charmer felt was baby doo~doo mustard.

Throughout the course of the meal, we created 3 more colors.....#65, #66 & #67 in the box of 64 ~ Holy Mother of God, STFU and....in a moment of unmoralistic pottymouthesque behavior, cousin Charmer designated the color "I could suck on that all day long".....in regards to the sushi. We shall not travel down the road that is called Nasty Cousin Drive, boys and girls......

Suffice it to say that your cousin Tabitha may or may not have peed herself from laughing so hard.

I was trying to keep her from pointing at the various customers who were running out the door as fast as they could, as they witnessed your Auntie Diva stealing the neon Kirin Japanese Beer & Sushi sign for her dining room.

It was on the Pumpkin Spice wall, by the way.

And there is another installment from your Auntie Diva!

OH! I would be remiss if I didn't tell you the little PS of the story.....we stopped at a convenience store, where your cousin Charmer was mauled ~ I mean hugged (perhaps inappropriately) by a woman who was wearing a tablecloth dress......well....ok...it may NOT have been a tablecloth, though she DID have a turquoise hibiscus flower on her ass.



Signed,
Auntie Diva, Fellow Fish Sucker

[Gemme]

I can't wait to play a role in your Diva Dramas. Your stories are better than mom's old stories on the telly.