Communication 101: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

[Daywalker]

I think it's important to keep certain things at the forefront of
your mind when engaging in Communities such as this one.


For me, one of those things is to always remember is that while I am
celebrating and basking in the company of this vast variety of folks here
(and am grateful to be privy to), I've also developed a 'custom' set of
filters, as this vast variety factor can also mean that shit can
get hella icky in the blink of a cursor.


I always keep a mental post-it in front of my mind when reading/replying
to threads ~ one that reminds me that my opinion can and will vary from
others, and mine is not the only one that matters. Like, for example...not
everyone likes Koolaid, I love the stuff but that doesn't mean
people who don't like it are wrong.


It means I've just been exposed to another side of things,
a different perspective n what have you.



It's not always a 'right' or 'wrong'.

It's not always a 'us' vs 'them' or 'me' vs 'you'.


When we're growing up we are curious, and observant of other peoples
likes, dislikes, opinions, reactions, moods...all that stuff, it's how we
'grew up' ~ it's how we gained our knowledge. Somewhere along
the line, probably in our know-it-all years...this ritual of observation
got lost on a lot of folks. Learning about people and how to communicate
is the same for adults as kids. I hope that made sense. I guess we get
caught up in our own passions and opinions developed over the years
and cling to them as if...well, as if they are the 'right' way, the only way.




I knew I shoulda waited to fire up this doobie,
now I've lost mah train of thought.






Oh, yeah...also wanted to say that the style of delivery can be everything.


However...it can be daunting to folks who have no prior knowledge of
particular styles of delivery and communication that some of the long time
members possess; for example if Chancie were to tell someone to 'Sit up
straight', those of us who know her also know how endearing the intent
of that phrase is, those who do not...might respond defensively or whatever.

Anyway, now I've rambled and I blame Medusa.

And Juney. Just because.

[Nat]

I was listening to a podcast about add/adhd the other day, and the hosts were talking about social/communication problems we have. I know I can't be the only affected member, so I thought I would go ahead and post them here.

We aren't always aware when we are communicating too much or too little. We can make ourselves a pest when we are communicating too much. We can hurt people's feelings by forgetting about them for long periods of time. Time is experienced very differently for many of us, and we tend to get entirely involved in the thing that is right in front of us. We can have poor impulse control. We forget to close loops in conversation - so we often don't complete a conversation the same way others might. We have trouble categorizing or differentiating "important" details from minutia. We have a lot of trouble with follow-up and follow-through. Our minds don't stay on topic, and we may often veer or pingpong from one topic to another. A third of us display some OCD tendencies, and many of us struggle with depression, anxiety or are bipolar. We can be very inattentive listeners and readers. I myself am a very slow reader and often I will impulsively respond to something half-way through reading it.

We are generally accepting and liking of others, though more formal and rigid rules of friendship are often impossible for us to understand or maintain. Through years of living with add/adhd, many of us have developed a learned helplessness in response to the negative results of our unintended behaviors. We reach overwhelm quickly and many of us carry around shame regarding the results of our neurological differences. Many of us grew up being told we were lazy, that we just needed to apply ourselves, that we should understand how to follow the rules, that we need to listen better, that we need to stop talking or daydreaming and pay attention, that we need to organize our whatevers.

Anyway, I thought I would put this here because it's a neurological difference that leads to different communication approaches and styles, and it's a relatively large amount of people who have it.

Oh, and we often forget things, which can really irritate people too.

One thing I really like about this site is the existence of the reps and thank you buttons an visitor messages. Having a brain that's always telling me to respond respond respond respond, these multiple options give me more access to being able to respond without disrupting or derailing a thread, and the thank you button has especially helped me be a better listener/reader.

[Hack]

What I personally find interesting is that I seem to have a different communications style at work than I do in my personal life. At work, I am ham-fisted blunt and I sometimes interrupt people. I mean, to the point where I have written on the back of my hand "shut up and listen" before I go in to a meeting. My job is to steer the communications/public relations image for an entire organization, so when I see people veering off the path I have put us all on that's when I become the interrupting, way too direct prick, I think. And when dealing with certain members of the media, I am the same way. Yet, it seems to work for my boss, who heads up the entire organization, and prefers that I am pro-active and aggressive -- interesting that this is the way she sees it, though, compared to how I view it, right?

In my personal life, I am just the opposite. When I meet someone, they usually tell me how quiet I am.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have spent the last 4 years in therapy working on communication issues. What I have come to learn is that so much of how we communicate is shaped by experience since birth. I was brought up in a house where shiny, happy children were seen, but not heard. And then given no basis for emotional intelligence as a child, I found myself behind the learning curve as a young adult. While I am still painfully shy, I find it much easier, thanks to therapy, to communicate my needs, desires and to tell people no. "No" is one of the first words we learn, but it is often the most difficult to say. The other big part of communicating, of course, is listening...and I think a lot of people forget that. It's just not about talking, but being an engaged listener as well.

Jake

[deeperstill]

Great thread Medusa. I don't think I saw this noted yet (apologies if someone's already mentioned this), but the Center for Nonviolent Communication (cnvc.org) has an interesting perspective on communication:
"NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies—whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that each of our actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs." The website actually has a list of needs and a list of feelings -- the exercise is to identify the feelings that arise when our needs are being met and the feelings that arise when our needs are not being met. The very first day I skimmed the lists I experienced a shift in perspective that allowed me a greater capacity to hear other people.

[WolfyOne]

I must have missed this thread when it was started.

I'm really enjoying reading the posts here.

My communication skills aren't always the best. I can however communicate better online than I can in person. Online I get a chance to digest what I read and post accordingly. In person, I have hearing loss and if I miss part of a conversation, I'm lost unless someone repeats what they said.

I guess I'm going to say it has to do with the difference between hearing and understanding online just as it does in real life. The skills you bring to an online discussion has to do with how you absorb what you read. Kind of like, did you hear me if we were holding a conversation. The key to both is the understanding. So, even though you heard me, you might not have understood me. Lets not jump the gun or get angry because you read it differently than I write it even if I can't convey it the same way if you were in front of me. Now we're at body language and you can't see me behind my computer screen. How to make my online thoughts come to life as I would in a conversation? If you can think it or say it, write it down and reread it. If it looks the same on the screen as you feel it would by coming out of your mouth, post it.

There are days I struggle with words and am thankful for friends that know me and can back me up when I miss a step or two. I'm sure we've all had days like that. Good, bad or ugly, we need to be responsible for our words once we hit the send button for the world to see. Coming back to clarify a post someone has a problem with is imperative. Without it, other posters will start to make assumptions over the post and we all know where that leads. I think if you can't be responsible for your actions, the rest of us need to learn to let go of that post because the poster may have just done what they set out to do. Pit us against each other and kick back and watch.

Lastly, the way you see it, may be different than the way I see it, but it doesn't mean we have to attack each other. A simple, can you expound on that should be suffice without an attack of words. Without the proper tools to communicate, I'd be afraid to post anything or even talk to others.

Notice I didn't use June as an example.......what the hell is wrong with me

[suebee]

Originally Posted by WolfyOne

<snip> Coming back to clarify a post someone has a problem with is imperative. Without it, other posters will start to make assumptions over the post and we all know where that leads. I think if you can't be responsible for your actions, the rest of us need to learn to let go of that post because the poster may have just done what they set out to do. Pit us against each other and kick back and watch.

Lastly, the way you see it, may be different than the way I see it, but it doesn't mean we have to attack each other. A simple, can you expound on that should be suffice without an attack of words. Without the proper tools to communicate, I'd be afraid to post anything or even talk to others.
<snip>

I wonder how different the conversations would be if we ALL asked for clarification when we read a post, and came back to clarify when someone questioned ours? Wow! I wish that could become a habit for the site!

[WolfyOne]

Originally Posted by cybersuebee

I wonder how different the conversations would be if we ALL asked for clarification when we read a post, and came back to clarify when someone questioned ours? Wow! I wish that could become a habit for the site!

Some of actually do ask
And usually it's before the can of Whoop Ass comes out, lol

[suebee]

Originally Posted by WolfyOne

Some of actually do ask
And usually it's before the can of Whoop Ass comes out, lol

Yeah. I'm on a diet though. I can only handle Whoop Ass Lite.

[Medusa]

A question for folks:

Is understanding the responsibility of the person wanting to be heard or the responsibility of the person listening?

Thoughts?