The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Thank you for this post.

You experience with your friend on the other site struck a chord with me. Because I've been just like your friend. The first few years after acquiring a brain injury are the worst, because you basically have to say good bye to the person you used to be. Which means grieving, and that can take a long long time to process.

I know that when in that frame of mind, I didn't honestly want answers. I didn't want help. I wanted people to do things for me. Which looks a lot different that accepting real help. By that I mean the kind of help you offered. People doing things for me wasn't really help at all, no matter how well intentioned. I have gone from not walking, talking, paralyzed on one half of my body and unable to swallow on my own to being a full time mother and spouse again. I would NOT have made it to here had I not made the choice to get busy living.

I also think your response was absolutely perfect, because it is inevitable that you are going to get sucking into the abyss of helplessness and darkness that some of us get stuck in.

I guess I am just really invested in being the same as you. and you. and you. I know I am always going to be differently abled, but there are parts of me that CAN be the same. That can only happen if my consequences are the same, and my personal accountability is the same.

I'm not asking that everyone dogpile on the differently abled people. Not at all. I'm asking people to maybe think about being real with us, to try starting a dialogue when things get said or things happen that would result in you approaching any other person.

Of course be kind and empathetic and probably throw in a little patience, but don't let things slide always just because a person is differently abled.

Most of the people on this site that I know of are pretty open about their different-abledness and pretty open to hearing people.

I really appreciate what you are saying. These posts are all really a good learning tool. Also, I'm very glad you're here and posting.

[sweetcali]

What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me.

I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them.

I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage.

sweetcali

(I sure hope this came out right)

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by sweetcali

What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me.

I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them.

I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage.

sweetcali

(I sure hope this came out right)

I hope this doesn't mean that you are not going to fight fair in our upcoming wheelchair races.

We love you back, but I am so winning.

[Soft*Silver]

Cali, I loved it when you said "I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage". I so agree with you! I think thats what sets me off. I am so determined not to be called a victim of my disabilities. I am different now, but am not a victim by any means...

[SuperFemme]

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

[Soft*Silver]

great points you bring here...

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

[violaine]

superfemme wrote:

I'd like to have a discussion about this, and hear honest feedback, because I've noticed that sometimes we are given "passes" by our fellow community members (mostly in the spirit of caring/compassion) and I want to talk about how that can or cannot invalidate a differently-abled person.

Thanks.

i really don't know that in my case, i've noticed within this or any other online community, any "passes". my interaction is usually to the 'topic' and less posting back and forth to individuals, or groups of people. i do write from my own aspergian space mostly, because that's a way that feels right or natural to me, instead of using lots of 'we' or 'us' comments -so that may be part of it.



a note about adult services being difficult to come by, please. in some cases the only option is to start the group, if someone is able to do so, like i did for adults on the autism spectrum. otherwise, i would find numbers disconnected; closed groups/servies; or funding issues- as EZeeTiger listed.

[DamonK]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

First part, in reference to grieving:

It may sound odd, and I'll explain why in a moment, but I am 28 and at times I still grieve for what I don't have.

Hmm, funny that. I've been this way since birth. It's...awkward...to grieve for something that is the ONLY thing you've ever known. I don't know what it's like to see with two eyes, or to suddenly jump in a swimming pool on a whim. I don't know a world without checking my pockets before work, "Do I have hearing aid batteries?" In fact, last week, without thinking about it, I took 2 packs to work! I don't know a world where, in some instances, I politely nod, and read lips to finish a conversation, or a sentence, then say, "Could you please excuse me a moment?" then turn, and quickly change batteries, because my hearing aid is beeping at me and driving me batty, saying "Change me change me."

It's possessed. I swear it is.

Point is, I don't know another world, but these thoughts are what I have everyday, and situations I find myself in fairly often. Simple facts of my life.

Which leads me to point two:

I do NOT consider myself a victim.

I consider myself lucky.

You see, back then, with my situations... I shouldn't be alive today. My mom, around my birthday, calls me, crying, every year, still amazed and thankful that I pulled through -- 28 years later. And every year, there's one story she tells me. It's a story of grief, and resignation. But it's a reminder that miracles do exist. And I'll even share it.

My doctor's name was Dr. McGee. He was my doctor until I was about 7 I think. I don't know. I still remember sometimes he'd look at me with wonder on his face. Back then I didn't understand why. Now I do. Not long after my birth, Doc went to my mom's hospital room, crying. Doc was in street clothes, off duty... He told Mom how sorry he was and how he didn't think I'd make it through the night. I'd taken a bad downhill turn.

That is the only part of the story I remember. It connects the dots for me what I had to fight through to make it.

For me, at least, one thought crosses my head? How can I consider myself a victim when I know how lucky I am to be alive?

Then the annoyance over batteries seems quite insignificant when I remember....

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by DamonK

First part, in reference to grieving:

It may sound odd, and I'll explain why in a moment, but I am 28 and at times I still grieve for what I don't have.

Hmm, funny that. I've been this way since birth. It's...awkward...to grieve for something that is the ONLY thing you've ever known. I don't know what it's like to see with two eyes, or to suddenly jump in a swimming pool on a whim. I don't know a world without checking my pockets before work, "Do I have hearing aid batteries?" In fact, last week, without thinking about it, I took 2 packs to work! I don't know a world where, in some instances, I politely nod, and read lips to finish a conversation, or a sentence, then say, "Could you please excuse me a moment?" then turn, and quickly change batteries, because my hearing aid is beeping at me and driving me batty, saying "Change me change me."

It's possessed. I swear it is.

Point is, I don't know another world, but these thoughts are what I have everyday, and situations I find myself in fairly often. Simple facts of my life.

Which leads me to point two:

I do NOT consider myself a victim.

I consider myself lucky.

You see, back then, with my situations... I shouldn't be alive today. My mom, around my birthday, calls me, crying, every year, still amazed and thankful that I pulled through -- 28 years later. And every year, there's one story she tells me. It's a story of grief, and resignation. But it's a reminder that miracles do exist. And I'll even share it.

My doctor's name was Dr. McGee. He was my doctor until I was about 7 I think. I don't know. I still remember sometimes he'd look at me with wonder on his face. Back then I didn't understand why. Now I do. Not long after my birth, Doc went to my mom's hospital room, crying. Doc was in street clothes, off duty... He told Mom how sorry he was and how he didn't think I'd make it through the night. I'd taken a bad downhill turn.

That is the only part of the story I remember. It connects the dots for me what I had to fight through to make it.

For me, at least, one thought crosses my head? How can I consider myself a victim when I know how lucky I am to be alive?

Then the annoyance over batteries seems quite insignificant when I remember....

I love this post! I have to tell you that I evolved from being angry that a drunk driver "stole my life" and feeling sorry for myself to "This accident was a gift".

I am still here! Against all odds. I am no longer working 60 - 80 hour work weeks. I am enjoying my children 24 hours a day and they are not in daycare/school for 10 - 12 hours a day. So much to thankful for, that it makes me mad to be called a victim.

I may have wallowed in self pity for a while, but no. I am not a victim.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of gifts. Kind of like your batteries needing changing. You are here to change them! How amazing is that given that you were given such a grim prognosis.

Oh, and about grieving something you've never had. Absolutely. That makes perfect sense to me.

Have you ever had anyone call you a victim? If so, how do you (or how would) you deal with that?