Dating and Race

waxnrope · 09-21-2010, 10:00 AM

Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking?

Corkey · 09-21-2010, 12:55 PM

Dragonfly start at the beginning, your are confusing folks.

dark_crystal · 09-21-2010, 01:15 PM

i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

Ebon · 09-21-2010, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!

I think I can understand why this person said this to you.

jey_z76 · 09-21-2010, 01:54 PM

Conversations are one of the biggest keys to any relationship, whether it be friends or more. Sparking up a conversation is easier than you may think. If I can't think of anything to say, I normally ask an off the wall question to get that person thinking. Such as, If you had to choose to be an apple or an orange for a whole day, which one would you choose and why? Femmes normally choose apples because they normally have makeup that goes better with the color red. Think of a clever response, because once she answers, she will more than likely ask you the same. Eye contact goes along with conversations. Those who talk to you while not looking at you.... well, most likely they aren't into you or they may be shy depending on the rest of the body language. Now race should never play a part in the conversation at first. Just go with the flow and don't worry about all that. If you are dating someone of a different race, why would there be a conversation on racial differences? If you are dating them, then you obviously like them, right? So why even bring it up? Just saying.

The_Lady_Snow · 09-21-2010, 02:06 PM

I hate apples!

I do enjoy it when someone (be they
friend, lover, or mate) invests time
in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and
triumphs as WOC.

I would hope whomever it is DOES
do their homework on their own and
doesn't rely on said POC's to educate
and make it more comfy for you.

Hope this helps.

P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 01:58 PM

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about what type (I D) they are attracted to. Just great...

PinkieLee · 09-21-2010, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about I'd they are attracted to. Just great...

Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.

Ebon · 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM

Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question.

tuffboi29 · 11-23-2010, 08:16 AM

Hope you don't mind me dropping bye...

I read the first post you made Dragonfly, and it reminded me very much of this ya'fa girl I had crushed on so bad in my teen years.

I was raised in...(not an out an out) racist family, but growing up I heard more than enough. As I grew older and met this girl I would get so nervous about my background...afraid something would slip or the issue of race would come up and I would be exposed as the bigots who quietly hated as they raised me. Their views and mine were not one in the same but how can one explain away the actions and comments of their family?

It took me forever to ask this young lady out. And much to my surprise and relief race was the last thing either of us thought about.
We ended up in some very comfortable discussions (about race..ect..) that naturally progressed as we went along.

Glad to see things went well for you!!

Dragonfly · 11-23-2010, 12:39 PM

Thanks for stopping by! I can relate to your experience in a big way. Racism is a brutal cycle that has brainwashing effects in childhood. Our first group outing with her friends we had something come up. Though it was her friend I winced for her, and as she handled it in her own way so did I for that situation. Had it been my friend I would have acted differently. Instead of confronting her and dragging her inside to right her wrong... I walked away and made it right with my own money. When my "date" and I next spoke we had our first convo about racism, her experience and way to handle things and such matters that I will keep personal. Suffice to say that we may be different but we handle these obstacles similarly, with the same attitude.

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 01:18 PM

Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept.

Corkey · 09-21-2010, 01:27 PM

Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.

Dragonfly · 09-21-2010, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.

Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.

Corkey · 09-21-2010, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.

If you want to date them, date them you don't need our permission or advice. The person in question will let you know if you are their "type".
Try to relax, and just be yourself.

09-21-2010, 12:55 PM	#2
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,268 Times in 6,637 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Dragonfly start at the beginning, your are confusing folks. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

09-21-2010, 01:15 PM	#3
dark_crystal Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: jenny Preferred Pronoun?: babygirl Relationship Status: First Lady of the United SMH Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 5,445 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,532 Thanked 26,550 Times in 4,688 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person __________________

09-21-2010, 01:54 PM	#6
jey_z76 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Boi Preferred Pronoun?: I'm not picky Relationship Status: Still single Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Austin Posts: 28 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1 Thanked 17 Times in 8 Posts Rep Power: 15	Conversations are one of the biggest keys to any relationship, whether it be friends or more. Sparking up a conversation is easier than you may think. If I can't think of anything to say, I normally ask an off the wall question to get that person thinking. Such as, If you had to choose to be an apple or an orange for a whole day, which one would you choose and why? Femmes normally choose apples because they normally have makeup that goes better with the color red. Think of a clever response, because once she answers, she will more than likely ask you the same. Eye contact goes along with conversations. Those who talk to you while not looking at you.... well, most likely they aren't into you or they may be shy depending on the rest of the body language. Now race should never play a part in the conversation at first. Just go with the flow and don't worry about all that. If you are dating someone of a different race, why would there be a conversation on racial differences? If you are dating them, then you obviously like them, right? So why even bring it up? Just saying. __________________ *~ It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. ~*

09-21-2010, 02:06 PM	#7
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	I hate apples! I do enjoy it when someone (be they friend, lover, or mate) invests time in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and triumphs as WOC. I would hope whomever it is DOES do their homework on their own and doesn't rely on said POC's to educate and make it more comfy for you. Hope this helps. P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

09-21-2010, 01:58 PM	#8
Dragonfly Member How Do You Identify?: Queersexual Female Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: smiling real big Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: My Own House Illinois Posts: 330 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 871 Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts Rep Power: 645438	yeah thanks I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about what type (I D) they are attracted to. Just great... __________________ Stay Gold.

09-21-2010, 10:00 AM	#1
waxnrope Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 5/27/2011 Preferred Pronoun?: hy ho, hy ho; he, she, it, whatever Relationship Status: Going slow ... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: in her orifices ... la frontera Posts: 1,433 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,414 Thanked 2,957 Times in 952 Posts Rep Power: 0	Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking?

09-21-2010, 01:24 PM	#10
Ebon Senior Member How Do You Identify?: With my souls eyes. Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: lol Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Here Posts: 3,476 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,524 Thanked 11,142 Times in 2,757 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question. __________________ In Lak'ech Ala K'in I'm a Soul Rebel http://wannabereverend.wordpress.com/ Spirituality is not a belief system or ideology, it is the surrender of one's ego to the infinite wisdom and knowledge that is the universe.

11-23-2010, 08:16 AM	#11
tuffboi29 Member How Do You Identify?: Queer..in the queer deffinition of the queer meaning of the queer word... Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. SuperTuff Relationship Status: Things happen... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 483 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 894 Thanked 684 Times in 293 Posts Rep Power: 93006	Hope you don't mind me dropping bye... I read the first post you made Dragonfly, and it reminded me very much of this ya'fa girl I had crushed on so bad in my teen years. I was raised in...(not an out an out) racist family, but growing up I heard more than enough. As I grew older and met this girl I would get so nervous about my background...afraid something would slip or the issue of race would come up and I would be exposed as the bigots who quietly hated as they raised me. Their views and mine were not one in the same but how can one explain away the actions and comments of their family? It took me forever to ask this young lady out. And much to my surprise and relief race was the last thing either of us thought about. We ended up in some very comfortable discussions (about race..ect..) that naturally progressed as we went along. Glad to see things went well for you!! __________________ "Today we would pass through the scenes of our youth like travelers. We are burnt up by hard facts; like tradesmen we understand distinctions, and like butchers, necessities. We are no longer untroubled - we are indifferent. We might exist there; but, should we really live there?" ~Erich Maria Remarque "All Quiet on the Western Front" http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot..._4605968_n.jpg

11-23-2010, 12:39 PM	#12
Dragonfly Member How Do You Identify?: Queersexual Female Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: smiling real big Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: My Own House Illinois Posts: 330 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 871 Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts Rep Power: 645438	hey Thanks for stopping by! I can relate to your experience in a big way. Racism is a brutal cycle that has brainwashing effects in childhood. Our first group outing with her friends we had something come up. Though it was her friend I winced for her, and as she handled it in her own way so did I for that situation. Had it been my friend I would have acted differently. Instead of confronting her and dragging her inside to right her wrong... I walked away and made it right with my own money. When my "date" and I next spoke we had our first convo about racism, her experience and way to handle things and such matters that I will keep personal. Suffice to say that we may be different but we handle these obstacles similarly, with the same attitude. __________________ Stay Gold.

09-21-2010, 01:18 PM	#13
Dragonfly Member How Do You Identify?: Queersexual Female Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: smiling real big Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: My Own House Illinois Posts: 330 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 871 Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts Rep Power: 645438	okay Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept. __________________ Stay Gold.

09-21-2010, 01:27 PM	#14
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,268 Times in 6,637 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer. Who knows, ask the person you are interested in. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)