Open Letter: Dear Femme

[apretty]

Originally Posted by June

Well. We let them open our doors for us, buy our drinks and hold our purses, why wouldn't they think they could also speak for us as well? And you know, I am saying this tongue in cheek, but there is some truth to it too, I think. I have seen Femme's give their power away to their partners. Come to think of it, I've seen it happen in all kinds of relationships, but we're talking about Femme's right now.

i bolded this portion because it was something that i was going to speak to on the 'exlusion' thread: femmes who defer to all things "butch", those that aggressively hand over their power as if subjugating herself were an art form (newsflash: that's totally weird).

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by apretty

i bolded this portion because it was something that i was going to speak to on the 'exlusion' thread: femmes who defer to all things "butch", those that aggressively hand over their power as if subjugating herself were an art form (newsflash: that's totally weird).

I think it may be weird if it is not a known TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship. I've been in those (with bio males and butches). Giving up the power is freeing on one hand but there is a loss of self if you and your Dominant are not careful.

I've seen some seriously kick-ass strong femmes in these relationships. They are not doormats. As someone else said (Snow?) those submissives were some of the strongest women I've ever known.

And I have also seen what the negative side of that turns people into--grasping, clinging, whining, can't make a decision to pee or poop by themselves. It's ugly. And there's no saving those types from themselves. They will keep going back to that type of relationship until they wise up and grow the spine necessary.

I know. I used to be one.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by Arwen

I think it may be weird if it is not a known TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship. I've been in those (with bio males and butches). Giving up the power is freeing on one hand but there is a loss of self if you and your Dominant are not careful.

ah, you're right and i wasn't clear--i meant to speak specifically about a femme who isn't necessarily connected in any way to the butch she's deferring to. but good point on the TPE.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by June

I've had people get so irritated with me because I truly believe that if I am a Femme (And I am) and I am fucking someone other than a Butch, I don't lose my Femme card and become Bi, Straight or, um, other? I am a Femme, regardless.

EXACTLY.

In my world, Femme is neither what we wear nor what we do--nor whom we do. Femme is who and what we ARE. Nobody--N O B O D Y--can take it away from us.

Originally Posted by June

No, wait. It was the time I said that anyone who sleeps with me is Queer. That pissed a lot of people off.

Omg, you're kidding! They didn't get that?!

Well, I suppose the context might make a difference on that one, come to think of it.... if I said that to a Transman, I don't think it would necessarily sit well, cuz yanno, Man + Femme does not equal Queer unless the Transman himself already identifies as Queer. But anyone else I might sleep with? Hell YES it would make them Queer to sleep with me... that's the societal definition of Queer, two females having sex, and I am definitely female--so YEAH, if other female-bodied people sleep with me, it means they must be Queer, whether they were before or not.

I'm picking up this undercurrent in your post, June, please correct me if I'm wrong... but this statement about people being Queer because they sleep with you, it's about power, right? It's about the subtle perception that only Butches, being masculine, have the power to claim sexuality, to "make people Queer" through sex? Am I reading you right that people were angry because they saw you "usurping" that masculine power?

If I'm reading you right, THAT is most definitely not only masculine-centric but also male-centric, since it would be derived from the cultural idea that sex belongs to males and females must neither initiate nor enjoy it.

Overthrow that stereotype! Claim that power, Sister Femmes! Viva la toaster oven!

[Bit]

Cara, hon, I wanted to answer you specifically.

Originally Posted by Cara

On a totally unrelated note, I spend an awful lot of time responding to posts and never actually posting what I've written because I am fearful of offending someone or not sounding academic enough. So, in a way, I guess I'm silencing myself.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cara}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I have been there, I have been there, I have been there. It is a most uncomfortable feeling for me, yanno? Usually it's a fear of offending people, although sometimes when a convo has been strongly academic I have thrown up my hands and walked away because I just haven't been able to muster up the energy to .......omg, I just almost said "compete" when I meant to say "participate"!!

That pretty much tells me about the threads where I have run into that--none on this site, btw--but oh, how telling!

Well, anyhow. What I mean to say to you is start slow. Take baby steps. Your post here is a marvelous start, very courageous. Speak from your heart, darlin, and the more you do it, the easier it will get.

Sometimes a person just has to break through that fear barrier one step at a time. Soon enough, you won't be silencing yourself any longer.

[Isadora]

Being femme is part of my internal identity. It is who I am not who I date. It is part of my locus.

I am unique unto the world, as is everyone one of us. Like most people searching for community we are thrilled when we find family, then more than a little disappointed when the "family" is different or does not live up to what I expected. Sort of like "Yay, I found b/f, my people! There are tons of people out there just like me!" Then "OMG, there are republicans, meat eaters, liars, femmes in tennis shoes, bullies, butches with long hair, crazies, players (fill in the blank) and people who don't like each other."

The other part I think I need to remind myself about is that disagreeing with you does not mean I don't like you. This leap is taken way to often. I may not agree with your politics, your sexual expression, your gnat size brain, your sense of humor but it does not mean I don't like you. I am amazed at the times I get "I don't think she likes me." People. Really.

If I don't like you I ignore you cause I am old and cranky and I don't like wasting my time on you. A very wise woman once told me, "Deb not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone. So, just accept it and be yourself."

The older I get the less I like people speaking FOR me. Anyone. Femme or Butch. I speak for myself, I am a big girl I can also handle being questioned or asked for clarification. I still speak for myself, not my gender, not my race, not my community, not my relationships...I speak for me. I don't appreciate, any more, any other form of being. Keep your damn self off my words and just ask me what I meant, don't interpret for me or assume. Sometimes I may ask someone to speak for me but I get to choose who that is for me. All this said, after all I am a hothead Aries, let me think about it before I answer. Give me a little time. I, also post with trepidation sometimes, because people assume they understand and react rather than think.

I evolve. I change. I listen, think and review my own beliefs, actions and thoughts. Just because I said it five years ago in a middle of a post does not mean I have not transformed into a new thought pattern. Jeeshhh, people change, ideas change, priorities change, life changes, I change. Be pretty damn sad if I didn't. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, I am not the same person I was five months ago...

[SuperFemme]

Anybody I have ever slept with is Queer. Mind you I have four kids. Why are they Queer? Because when I give myself or take somebody else I am doing so a a Femme. I don't care if it is a transman, a bio-man, the Fed-Ex guy/girl, or that one nun from high school. The act of fucking ME is also an act of queering the other person. I'm not a heterosexual. I'm not straight. When I hop into bed it is not as a straight woman, but rather a Queer Femme. So. I don't care if my fellow fuckee is a straight identified transman or any variety of man. They are engaging in a homosexual act.

Luckily there is only one person whom I fuck. I consider hym to be faggy.

[evolveme]

I love y'all, and I think I understand why some of you share this conceptualization around queering others by virtue of fucking them, but it doesn't work for me, and here's why: Although I hold an identity as queer lesbian (femme is my gender) my sexual orientation is more accurately pansexual. It would not work for me whatsoever if by having sex with a straight leaning male-identified fella, a straight heterosexual transman, or a straight bio male that any of these folks decide I were "straightened out" by the act of sex with them.

I think we have the capacity to affect one another on all kinds of levels when we engage this way, but never in the way that we identify, unless that mechanism is not held consciously by us.

See, if it's an act of taking back power for us to say that anyone who fucks me is queered by me, then I feel that power was artificial in the first place because it cannot work both ways. If it only works for me, and not him, then it's a lesser power. He'd think of it as trite, possibly.

I don't want a trite power. I want a whole one.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by evolveme

I love y'all, and I think I understand why some of you share this conceptualization around queering others by virtue of fucking them, but it doesn't work for me, and here's why: Although I hold an identity as queer lesbian (femme is my gender) my sexual orientation is more accurately pansexual. It would not work for me whatsoever if by having sex with a straight leaning male-identified fella, a straight heterosexual transman, or a straight bio male that any of these folks decide I were "straightened out" by the act of sex with them.

I think we have the capacity to affect one another on all kinds of levels when we engage this way, but never in the way that we identify, unless that mechanism is not held consciously by us.

See, if it's an act of taking back power for us to say that anyone who fucks me is queered by me, then I feel that power was artificial in the first place because it cannot work both ways. If it only works for me, and not him, then it's a lesser power. He'd think of it as trite, possibly.

I don't want a trite power. I want a whole one.

I feel one hundred percent whole in my power because the act of queering for *me* has always been consensual. Every. Single. Time.

I discuss before I leap, because I am sick and fucking tired of the world at large identifying me by whom I fuck. Nobody gets to do that to me.

Now I must confess I have had dialogue with those who would not consent with me, nor I with them. No clothes were removed after the dialogue.

The power within me is to remain Queer because it is who I am.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by evolveme

..... It would not work for me whatsoever if by having sex with a straight leaning male-identified fella, a straight heterosexual transman, or a straight bio male that any of these folks decide I were "straightened out" by the act of sex with them.

.......See, if it's an act of taking back power for us to say that anyone who fucks me is queered by me, then I feel that power was artificial in the first place because it cannot work both ways. If it only works for me, and not him, then it's a lesser power. He'd think of it as trite, possibly.

I don't want a trite power. I want a whole one.

Julie, these are my first thoughts and I'm not sure I answered everything you said in this post.... heck, this might even be a tangent, but it's what came to me.

Femme is at the bedrock for me. It's what kind of energy flows through this body to express this soul. It's NOT my sexuality--it's my gender.

Queer is my sexuality as well as my community. So yes, if I have sex with another female-bodied person, the very act of two females having sex together is Queer and it doesn't matter what the other person claims, Straight, Bisexual, Lesbian---if they're sleeping with ME, a Queer Femme (dating, or in a relationship--not talking about the merely curious straight woman who dabbles and is gone), then they're Queer in some way. If they weren't before, well guess what, they are now.... just as I was when I started sleeping with my first partner, even though I insisted LOUDLY I was still straight.

NOT, I say to that long-ago girly. NOT. *wry smile*

I'm not creating this Queerness in another person, yanno? It's already there or they wouldn't be having sex with me, just as it was already there in me or I wouldn't have been so wildly in lust with my ex. BUT what I responded to in June's post was the community reaction to the idea that a Femme might--or even could--own the power of sexuality enough to Queer someone. That's the Butch's province according to the unthinking assumptions prevalent in our society; Butches get to claim the toaster ovens for converting/Queering other females, because Butches are most like men and sexuality belongs to men. According to this unconscious idea, Femmes have no right to claim such things--and June ran smack up against that wall.

It was that unthinking masculine/male-centrism in the community that I was responding to.

Does that explain my point better?