Obituaries

[Kobi]

Having been in health care for so long, I got into the habit of reading the obits. It was always an eye opener to see the lives of those I had cared for but knew little about unfold in print.

It used to be that obits were a compilation of facts. Nowadays, many seem to be more personalized, more of a tribute to the person by those who seemingly knew them best.

But, I wonder how the folks in our community are represented in obits. Here in Mass, I have seen spouses of our community members do both a narrative of facts or a tribute or a combination of the two.

I have seen those without spouses whose family of origin has elected to stick to the facts.

I am troubled by the latter. A case in point is a member of our own site, Lieslgrrl or LieslKate, who died a couple of weeks ago. Her obit was what I expected to be written by a family of origin. It was factual but did little to reflect the person I knew.

As an older, single person, I have taken care to be sure "my house" is in order. Now, I am thinking it might be best to write my own obit, so it reflects what I would want it to say.

I am wondering if others have any thoughts on this or if they have encountered similar feelings.

[Blade]

I don't know about other areas, but around here most obits are a service the funeral homes offer. It's a regiment of questions they ask and fill in the blanks. Was this person a veteran, would you like to use the phrase formerly of....city, was this person a member of any social group, volunteer of some kind, preceded in death by, just a whole bunch of questions like that. Typically the family handles funeral plans I guess this is why obits sound as they do most of the time. However anyone can post an in memory tribute, at the time of death or at any time.

I really like your idea Kobi of preparing your own obit, but again if the funeral home doesn't have your "words" in hand when the obit is prepared, it will just read as the regiment of questions they ask of everyone. The only way I know of to ensure that what you have prepared as your obit, to be published, would be to have your funeral plans made and paid for before you die and for them to have a copy of your special prepared words attached to your file.

I know several older folks who have paid for their funerals in advance but I don't know any who have written their own obit, but I gotta say I love the idea.

[SuperFemme]

I've written my own obit, so that way it's not left to my family and my spouse won't have to try to be wordy in a time of deep depression.

[T D]

Well having written my step dads obit in April, it made me think about the same sorts of things. I have not however done a thing about it. On the other hand, my mom who came close to dying during the same time period that my step dad died wants to put some facts on paper and place then in her safe which I think is a good idea. Things like which groups she belongs too and for how long, when she graduated from wherever, things of this nature. It was a bit difficult piecing all of this together when my step dad died, and I'm sure we didn't get it all in. I did personalize the obit quite a bit, but did this even more so for the memorial service. There's usually a memory card (for lack of a better term) handed out during the service, and that's where I got a bit more personal.

Interesting thread. Thanks

[Diva]

Very good thread, Kobi, thanks!

I have started planning so my daughter or Shari won't have to do this. The music ~ which is so important to me ~ is just about done. I don't want a sad affair....but rather a celebration.

That being said, my obit has not been written, and I guess I'd better do that....thanks for the reminder!

[Diva]

And yes, Kobi.....cookies will be served at my service!

[Boots13]

Poignant Lessons

I spoke at my fathers funeral and having been estranged from him could only reflect on the high points and appreciation I had for this man through the eyes of a 9 year old. He shared so little of himself.

I was designated Administrator and organized my grandmothers funeral Mass but argued with my extended family in carrying out her final wishes. My cousins and sister no longer speak to me, in part, because I tried so desperately to carry out my Grandmothers final wishes. And in the end, even though I conceded to their overwhelming pressure her words still ring in my ears. "Don't burn me. I don't want to be burned". She was cremated and I don't know, in retrospect, how her service stepped so far from her desires.

Its so important to let your loved ones know exactly what you would like as a service or a final resting place. I think its equally important to outline your own personal successes and greatest accomplishments, not only what other people remember about you.

And on that note, I dont have anything written re; an obit.
This is a tough, but important thread. Thank you for starting it.

[Kätzchen]

The power of our own rhetorical narrative guides the process of healing for those who have lived side-by-side with us during our existence of life on Earth.

I just happen to be studying Narrative as Rhetoric and Walter Fisher (communications theorist and scholar of the 70s) argued that: "audience members check and test story material to see if it "rings true" with "stories they know to be true in their own lives" - describing this connection as Narrative Fidelity (Pierce, 2003: p. 199).


In addition to the above, Dan Pierce (2003) summarizes 6 key functions that narrative, in all of it's forms, does for us (p. 197):

• Narrative helps us to organize information, places, people, and events into understandable messages.
• Narrative helps us evaluate information, places, people and events.
• Narrative helps us form indirect knowledge about things, places, peoople and events about which we have no direct experience.
• Narrative helps us to reduce uncertainty about information, places, people and events.
• Narrative helps us to work out conflict.
• Narrative helps us to make decisions.

The process of our own spoken and written narrative facilitates cohesion and fidelilty of the story of the life we have lived and it warms my heart that Kobi made this forum thread as a way for us to be cognizant of our own rhetorical power.

Thank you to all the prior members who have posted about their own experience in aiding and preserving the memory of those who are no longer with us! (side note: SuperFemme? I miss you here! Sending big hugs and lots of Femme love to you today, where ever you are!)

~D