Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by christie0918

I was adopted at one day… well; actually 33 days if you count the first 32 were spent in the hospital considering I weighed in at a hefty 3.02 oz… quite a feat for 1970 in that I survived.

My parents told me I was adopted at about age 5. I remember running across the street to my aunt’s house, bursting through the front door and interrupting my cousins’ board game of Probe, “Did ya’ll know I am A D O P T E D?!?!?!?” My aunt’s jaw hit the floor; apparently my mother had neglected to tell her they were going to explain it to me. I went on to explain, “I am special. I was picked out. They chose me. They had to take Lonnie (my youngest brother) whether they wanted him or not.”

I was the answer to my mother’s lifelong dream of a “little girl.” My brothers, their natural children, were 16 and 15 when I arrived on the scene. You can tell from pictures that it was more that they “put up with me” as opposed to sharing in my parents’ exuberance.

My mother often tells the stories of literally hiding me when strange cars would pull into our drive that first year – because she just knew that my birth mother had changed her mind and decided to take me back.

Two years later, my youngest brother arrived… my mother had thought she was in menopause rather than that she was pregnant. My oldest brother married that same year, and in effect, we had “two families.”

Over the years, my mother (an undiagnosed bipolar) reminded me umpteen times how much expense and effort they endured to have me. It created an unspoken internal pressure in me to excel… in sports, in academics… you name it – I had to be the best.

It also made me feel defective. If only I had been _________ (fill in the blank), my birth mother (unwed teen) would have kept me. Couple this with the early realization I was gay…well, I have spent most of my life trying to be, prove something.

It was also apparent that I was a rotten brat. In as much as I felt at the time there were double standards between what was acceptable for me vs. what was acceptable for my brother, I can look back today and realized that I was just incorrigible in so many ways. If I didn’t get my way, I would merely start to pout and when the crocodile tears started rolling down my cheeks, I would say something about, “If I wasn’t ADOPTED…” O.M.G. I woulda buried me in the backyard.

I found my biological family when I was 23. I was pregnant with my son at the time. I had been on the “list” (in TN, there was (maybe still is) an Adoption Search Dept within the Dept of Human Services) since I was 21 (the legal age to search).

My story is slightly different than most in that my biological parents went on to marry and have two other children. We are all exactly 18 months apart in age. My sister (3 yrs younger) and I are as close as we can be… sometimes more so than others. My brother and I don’t speak at all. Our Uncle had told my sister when she was about 18 that I existed, so she wasn’t surprised when I surfaced. My brother, who up until that moment had been the oldest, would have the first grandchild, etc… well, he was less than pleased. Our noncommunication is a mutual decision. I have met him – even attended his wedding… but the bottom line is that we have no commonalities except we were born of the same two parents.

My birth parents and I… well, its almost like a penpal relationship. We communicate really well through my sister! LOL I think they and I both keep some distance out of respect for my parents.

My sister… oh my sister… She is the living breathing younger (straight) version of me… we look alike… and when we are with my bio mother, its like looking at the same woman at three different ages in her life. We speak alike, using the same patterns and expressions… even though she was raised in Florida and I in TN. My handwriting is nearly identical to my bio mother and even she has trouble telling my sister and I apart on the phone.

I never went looking for another set of parents… or even siblings. I looked for someplace I belonged – somewhere I fit. My parents and brothers… I never “fit” – my brothers all looked like my father… all had olive skin, brown eyes and hair… and then there was me… redheaded, freckles, buck-toothed as a beaver and so very tall…I liked Blues music and have an aptitude musically… They all like old Country or Southern Rock and can’t play any instruments… They all are very gifted artists… can draw most anything and my stick figures look like that of a child’s. They love wet, dripping saucy ribs and I want dry ribs…

Then I meet the bio family. I was born in Memphis. My grandmother still lived in the family home. When I drove down to meet them all for the first time, my Nanny Hazel looked at me, hugged me tight and said that she had waited for that day for 23 years. She then looked at my son’s father and said, “I don’t know who the hell you are but you look like a son of a bitch to me.” HA!!

I FIT!!! She led me to the dining room where my bio father was playing a blues tune on the upright piano and low and behold, there was a platter just overflowing with DRY RIBS from Bozo’s BBQ!!!

I FIT!! I really fit!!

Nature? Nurture? *shrugs*

I know this has been lengthy, but in as much as we have baggage from being adopted… and not all reunions are like Oprah… I think that the mediocre stories need to be told too.

Christie

Thats a great story Christie (Avocado) I am so happy you found a place you fit!

It all comes down to BBQ in the South doesn't it?

My biological grandparents were the ones who made my bio-mother put me up for adoption, so I never met them. Two of my bio brothers (half) would not even look at me when I met them so I get it about your brother.

My biological father says he did not know she was pregnant, but bio mom says he did. He was sent early on to Vietnam, so was there when I was born.

I also have felt the pressure to prove something, to overachieve. I completely get that.

My sister and I are both adopted. She also from Oklahoma. She has not been contacted by her birth parents.

[Jet]

I'm 53 and way past the point of wanting anything further to do with adoption stuff. Like I said, I found my bio dad at 28. I called him on his shit and then I had peace. My father was a con in and out of prisons all through the 50s and early 60s.

My dad who adopted me when I was 5 is my dad and always will be.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

I'm 53 and way past the point of wanting anything further to do with adoption stuff. Like I said, I found my bio dad at 28. I called him on his shit and then I had peace. My father was a con in and out of prisons all through the 50s and early 60s.

My dad who adopted me when I was 5 is my dad and always will be.

I get that completely and thank you for sharing what you have with us.

I am 46 and going through therapy as a trauma survivor and had never thought that the adoption stuff made any difference in my life. As I look into it, it explains so much about my anger inside. For me, my anger is not beating a dead horse.

For me, it is a good thing to process. I thought all my anger was from more recent trauma, but the trauma started before I was born.

I hope it will help with my anger and with my family phobia. Maybe my nightmares will stop, maybe I will feel whole.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I get that completely and thank you for sharing what you have with us.

I am 46 and going through therapy as a trauma survivor and had never thought that the adoption stuff made any difference in my life. As I look into it, it explains so much about my anger inside. For me, my anger is not beating a dead horse.

For me, it is a good thing to process. I thought all my anger was from more recent trauma, but the trauma started before I was born.

I hope it will help with my anger and with my family phobia. Maybe my nightmares will stop, maybe I will feel whole.

We need to start another thread on trauma survival. I am a trauma survivor; sever trauma. I'm game if you are. Mine is/was in the form of severe PTSD except in this case the "S" stands for shock not stress.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

We need to start another thread on trauma survival. I am a trauma survivor; sever trauma. I'm game if you are. Mine is/was in the form of severe PTSD except in this case the "S" stands for shock not stress.

Start it and I will post! Ha, I've said all this here, why not!

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic
yeah,those nightmares can and are hell.I have some that are so real its scary,most mornings I roll out of bed in a sweat heart raceing others I barely or dont remember at all,the ones I do remember are mostly about abuse,loss as well I some like im on the outside looking in on what like should have been..then theres one nearly like I describe just a bit diffrent,my therapist calls it a rescue dream.I hear the voice,feel the presence.smell the sents...just never see the face...really weired.
Gotta go for now,be back on later...yall take care.
Rockin

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

apocaliptic
yeah,those nightmares can and are hell.I have some that are so real its scary,most mornings I roll out of bed in a sweat heart raceing others I barely or dont remember at all,the ones I do remember are mostly about abuse,loss as well I some like im on the outside looking in on what like should have been..then theres one nearly like I describe just a bit diffrent,my therapist calls it a rescue dream.I hear the voice,feel the presence.smell the sents...just never see the face...really weired.
Gotta go for now,be back on later...yall take care.
Rockin

I wonder if it is a memory from before or right after you were born....

[Diva]

My heart goes out to those of You who have experienced trauma throughout all of this adoption process.....

I consider myself pretty fortunate, in spite of the fact that I have a lot of hindsight over the way my Mom's extended family treated me.

I have to laugh when I think on it......we see it all the time, don't we? Here's a whole field of sheep and then there's that cute black one over there (me) who is SOOOOOOO not like any of the others. I'm not sure how my parents dealt with how different I was! <giggle> All of the cousins were all quiet and plain and .......forgive me....BORING. And here is this child who lived with such happiness and would bound in a room and be so full of glee and say the first thing on her mind....and say it LOUDLY! (My joke has always been that my Dad's favorite word for me was "Shhhh!!!".)

Here lately, I have had to make the difficult decision to "divorce" myself from future contact with my bio 1/2~sister for her toxicity and passive~aggressiveness. Some of the things she has said to me ~ out loud and in writing ~ has been outrageous.

I just don't have time for crap like that.

This thread is SOOOOOO interesting...finding out just how many of us have experienced chosen families.....thanks, Jen, for starting it! It's a difficult topic sometimes.......and took a lot of courage to open up the discussions!

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic
Before or after birth dreams...never thought about that.I do know im the oldest of twins,born ten sceonds after midnight (if that means anything,not to me but did to my grannie who was old world to the letter) premmie all of one pound 14oz.Grannie said I came hear holloering like a banshee,my twin didnt make it..or so they say cause I cant find out anything cause of closed records.My grannie told me I was a throw back to her younger days in the old country,said I would have made a good gypsy cause I had the heart and soul that her mother would love.

Diva I so get u on being the odd one in the family,then add queer to it,yep u got, it a barrel full of sh--.I was the first one to try about anything,go where I wanted,do what I could get a way with.I was born into a staunch italian catholic family where a girl child grew up to make more little catholics to be bidable and follow the rules.One cousin went into the priesthood,one of my widowed aunts became a nun.In truth my femele cousins were anything but saintly and the male couisins drunks,abusers and doper..all coverd up in a bright shiny package of reapectablity.Actually even with all I have gone threw I feel so blessed not to have ended up any worse that did.Heck all it took was for me to just grab bags and walk out of the mess,them get help while I rebuilt my life.
Rockin

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I checked them both out.

Link one makes more sense to me than link 2 and has a lot of good info I found in the books I have been reading.

Link 2 talks in part about myths of adoption and how it is a myth that adoptees have problems often. I do not agree with that at all.

If there must be an adoption, I side for Open Adoptions where there are zero secrets.

I am not totally for open adoptions due to the fact they can be tested in court, I recall the story of an open adoption where a child was adopted out and then the real mom changed her mind and got the kid back.

But I am not fond of closed adoption either due to the records being sealed

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Logically we know we will die of old age, but every time I have a pain, I wonder if it is because of some disease I don't know about.



Did it change your life when she told you? Are you angry about any of it?

I agree I wonder if its a disease that I don't know about

[christie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thats a great story Christie (Avocado) I am so happy you found a place you fit!

It all comes down to BBQ in the South doesn't it?

My biological grandparents were the ones who made my bio-mother put me up for adoption, so I never met them. Two of my bio brothers (half) would not even look at me when I met them so I get it about your brother.

My biological father says he did not know she was pregnant, but bio mom says he did. He was sent early on to Vietnam, so was there when I was born.

I also have felt the pressure to prove something, to overachieve. I completely get that.

My sister and I are both adopted. She also from Oklahoma. She has not been contacted by her birth parents.

It really IS all about the BBQ...

I don't want to give the impression that I had the Waltons kinda childhood... quite the opposite. One of those deadon examples of how things aren't always as they appear.

Momma was undiagnosed/unmedicated till I was about 16. She once was on her way down the hallway in between our (my younger brother and I's) room and hers with my father's favorite .38 in hand, going to "go ahead and kill them so they don't have to grow up in this world." It was fortunate that my father intercepted her.

She was chronically suicidal when my father was away for military crap. My oldest brother, his wife and children lived in the basement apartment of our home and Daddy felt safe leaving us. I remember no less than 5 times before my 12th birthday that Momma had swallowed a handful of pills and had to be forced to vomit by my brother.

Mental health issues weren't talked about... they were whispered about and heaven forbid if you sought treatment.

I know that she did the best she could given the "tools" she had. I know that her issues are chemical in nature (for the most part) and for the last 24 years or so, she had led a relatively "normal" life.

I can't tell you how robbed of a childhood I have felt. I can't describe the anger, hurt and abandonment issues I felt towards my father. My sister, when we are speaking (in those closer than other times) often laugh that a judge, two attorneys, the TN Baptist Children's Home and a couple social workers thought that I would be "better off" raised by my parents.

Then I look at the pictures of my folks when I was a baby. They were SO happy... so proud... and honestly, couldn't love me more than if I had been naturally theirs.

I tried therapy to deal with some of my issues regarding being adopted in my early 20's. I quickly came to the conclusion that I could spend years and thousands of dollars and still not be "whole."

I admire those willing to delve that deep with a professional to resolve the issues. I think that for me, I have chosen to acknowledge that they are there... and find "workarounds." Several years ago, I had a time of soulsearching, analyzing and "me work". I know that a lot of folks haven't yet had that... and maybe never will.

Maybe its like putting a band-aid on a spurting artery. Maybe its that "primal wound" that will never be healed.

For me, even "less than whole", I think that I'm pretty well functional. If my adoption issues continued to cause me distress in my daily life, I would be hunting them down and killing them.

I think in a lot of ways, I'm lucky that I've evolved into the person I am today.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by christie0918

It really IS all about the BBQ...

I don't want to give the impression that I had the Waltons kinda childhood... quite the opposite. One of those deadon examples of how things aren't always as they appear.

Momma was undiagnosed/unmedicated till I was about 16. She once was on her way down the hallway in between our (my younger brother and I's) room and hers with my father's favorite .38 in hand, going to "go ahead and kill them so they don't have to grow up in this world." It was fortunate that my father intercepted her.

She was chronically suicidal when my father was away for military crap. My oldest brother, his wife and children lived in the basement apartment of our home and Daddy felt safe leaving us. I remember no less than 5 times before my 12th birthday that Momma had swallowed a handful of pills and had to be forced to vomit by my brother.

Mental health issues weren't talked about... they were whispered about and heaven forbid if you sought treatment.

I know that she did the best she could given the "tools" she had. I know that her issues are chemical in nature (for the most part) and for the last 24 years or so, she had led a relatively "normal" life.

I can't tell you how robbed of a childhood I have felt. I can't describe the anger, hurt and abandonment issues I felt towards my father. My sister, when we are speaking (in those closer than other times) often laugh that a judge, two attorneys, the TN Baptist Children's Home and a couple social workers thought that I would be "better off" raised by my parents.

Then I look at the pictures of my folks when I was a baby. They were SO happy... so proud... and honestly, couldn't love me more than if I had been naturally theirs.

I tried therapy to deal with some of my issues regarding being adopted in my early 20's. I quickly came to the conclusion that I could spend years and thousands of dollars and still not be "whole."

I admire those willing to delve that deep with a professional to resolve the issues. I think that for me, I have chosen to acknowledge that they are there... and find "workarounds." Several years ago, I had a time of soulsearching, analyzing and "me work". I know that a lot of folks haven't yet had that... and maybe never will.

Maybe its like putting a band-aid on a spurting artery. Maybe its that "primal wound" that will never be healed.

For me, even "less than whole", I think that I'm pretty well functional. If my adoption issues continued to cause me distress in my daily life, I would be hunting them down and killing them.

I think in a lot of ways, I'm lucky that I've evolved into the person I am today.

Ahh yes, the TN Baptist Children's home, I have had dealings with them too.

I've worked on other stuff in therapy, but it never occurred to me that some of my issues come from the lies and secrecy around my adoption.

I am pretty successful too, but the past year have been really rough with the death of my adoptive father from who I was estranged. In dealing with that, I find he was not my only issue.

[christie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Ahh yes, the TN Baptist Children's home, I have had dealings with them too.

I've worked on other stuff in therapy, but it never occurred to me that some of my issues come from the lies and secrecy around my adoption.

I am pretty successful too, but the past year have been really rough with the death of my adoptive father from who I was estranged. In dealing with that, I find he was not my only issue.

(insert great big gay hugs here)

I know you are pretty successful... You are an amazing woman and I'm glad you recognize what others around you know... you rawk.

Sometimes, things come forefront, at least for me, when I least expect them to... perhaps the timing of "now" for your adoption issues is more that you were in a place to be open to the idea that it "might be more"... sometimes (again, at least for me) its easier not to acknowledge something as to not breathe life into it. *shrugs* but then, whatdoiknow? LOL

I don't think it matters when you deal with them... at least you are moving forward... making that effort.

Its hard. It hurts. Its especially difficult for those of us with entrenched trust/openness issues to be that emotionally vulnerable. With our loved ones... with our partners... let's not even talk about with strangers.

For me, the resolution to some things is that there is no resolution. It just is.

I've got good listening ears if you ever need to talk.

Christie

[Jess]

Originally Posted by christie0918

(insert great big gay hugs here)

I know you are pretty successful... You are an amazing woman and I'm glad you recognize what others around you know... you rawk.

Sometimes, things come forefront, at least for me, when I least expect them to... perhaps the timing of "now" for your adoption issues is more that you were in a place to be open to the idea that it "might be more"... sometimes (again, at least for me) its easier not to acknowledge something as to not breathe life into it. *shrugs* but then, whatdoiknow? LOL

I don't think it matters when you deal with them... at least you are moving forward... making that effort.

Its hard. It hurts. Its especially difficult for those of us with entrenched trust/openness issues to be that emotionally vulnerable. With our loved ones... with our partners... let's not even talk about with strangers.

For me, the resolution to some things is that there is no resolution. It just is.

I've got good listening ears if you ever need to talk.

Christie

Not being an adoptee, I hope this is not seen as intrusive.

I do think sometimes the issues that our partners face or have faced need to be seen by us and appreciated. I have had two partners now who were adopted and it is amazing how very differently they have each dealt with the issues that come with it.

I also am a firm believer in the notion that the universe never gives us more than we can handle and that it works with divine timing. Meaning.. when the stuff surfaces, it is usually exactly when it needs to, as we have become ready to address it.

I am very grateful for this thread and will back out now to not distract. You all are incredible folks! The willingness to share is nothing but pure strength and grace. Thank you.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Jess

Not being an adoptee, I hope this is not seen as intrusive.

I do think sometimes the issues that our partners face or have faced need to be seen by us and appreciated. I have had two partners now who were adopted and it is amazing how very differently they have each dealt with the issues that come with it.

I also am a firm believer in the notion that the universe never gives us more than we can handle and that it works with divine timing. Meaning.. when the stuff surfaces, it is usually exactly when it needs to, as we have become ready to address it.

I am very grateful for this thread and will back out now to not distract. You all are incredible folks! The willingness to share is nothing but pure strength and grace. Thank you.

Thanks for posting!

I think for those of us who have been abandoned in a huge way early on, having an understanding supportive partner is a wonderful and very important thing!

I like the idea of things surfacing when we are ready to handle them.

Again, thanks for posting and being so supportive!

[bigbutchmistie]

Yes they knew that's where I was sent ar 18 to meet with a bus ticket.

Some people should adopt and others should never be allowed to.

I know this sunject is hard for everyone hugs all around