Poly Relationships - Page 3

princessbelle · 08-31-2010, 02:04 PM

I know poly can work. I've seen it work. People in this thread and site show that it can work.

I was in a poly relationship that went wrong and I was hurt beyond any pain I could imagine possible. But, I do realize that there were so many things that were done wrong by my partner and by myself and by the other girl that it is no wonder it ended in disaster. It has taken a long time to heal, and parts of me are still in mourning, however getting better all the time.

So, even though I have been there done that and suffered through what I thought had destroyed my life, I have evolved from the pain to a stronger and more self nurturing person. I am open minded enough to realize that poly can be a very healthy, fullfilling, loving and a wonderful life for the right people.

Would I ever do it again? Doubtful, however never say never.

signed....

one who keeps all possibilities open when it comes to happiness....

Isadora · 08-31-2010, 02:35 PM

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.

girl_dee · 09-10-2010, 08:16 PM

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

girl_dee · 11-01-2010, 08:55 PM

anyone watch the series Sister Wives?

Jesse · 11-01-2010, 08:58 PM

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

girl_dee · 11-01-2010, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tranzman

I've seen it a few times, also watched the special the other night.

what did ya think of it..? I hear the first wife has been fired from her job because of the show...

Jesse · 11-01-2010, 09:19 PM

I think it's difficult to really show many of the positives of the poly lifestyle on a televised show. Sometimes they seem to angle it in such a way that it looks ugly...possibly they are more interested in the drama than in the reality of the 24/7 lifestyle. <shrug>

Not sure if she lost it or not but I do know there is talk of it, also they were drug into court due to the publicity from the 4th marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

what did ya think of it..? I hear the first wife has been fired from her job because of the show...

girl_dee · 11-01-2010, 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tranzman

I think it's difficult to really show many of the positives of the poly lifestyle on a televised show. Sometimes they seem to angle it in such a way that it looks ugly...possibly they are more interested in the drama than in the reality of the 24/7 lifestyle. <shrug>

Not sure if she lost it or not but I do know there is talk of it, also they were drug into court due to the publicity from the 4th marriage.

no kidding, all thats normally ever shown are the pedophile communes...

I am glad the show is being aired.. its showing the functionality and how much power the wives have, and their wonderful bond.

Jesse · 11-01-2010, 09:27 PM

Lol! Last night I watched the special. They were being interviewed, and he flat out told the interviewer that he is not the boss, except for when it comes to getting the kids to do their homework or something.

I find it interesting, but wonder if others who are in poly relationship see it as a mockery or as not a true representation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

no kidding, all thats normally ever shown are the pedophile communes...

I am glad the show is being aired.. its showing the functionality and how much power the wives have, and their wonderful bond.

girl_dee · 11-01-2010, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tranzman

Lol! Last night I watched the special. They were being interviewed, and he flat out told the interviewer that he is not the boss, except for when it comes to getting the kids to do their homework or something.

I find it interesting, but wonder if others who are in poly relationship see it as a mockery or as not a true representation.

lol i think he is right.. the sisterhood of the wives is so very real. They each get each other and each have a job to do. They function independently and as a collective unit.. I think its wonderful..

La Perla · 01-13-2011, 08:09 PM

I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

girl_dee · 01-14-2011, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by La Perla

I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

I personally think one has to be *wired* for poly. Not everyone is and that is ok.. It also takes one heck of a Head of Household to maintain the balance. I am glad I am not on that end of it.

Not sure what you mean by *freedom and responsibility* but exciting situations are what happens when you fall into the right PR.

La Perla · 01-28-2011, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

I personally think one has to be *wired* for poly. Not everyone is and that is ok.. It also takes one heck of a Head of Household to maintain the balance. I am glad I am not on that end of it.

Not sure what you mean by *freedom and responsibility* but exciting situations are what happens when you fall into the right PR.

I can imagine it would take a great deal of emotional maturity. I am happy that you found a wonderful family, and such a positive dynamic. What was going through my mind with freedom and responsibility? I was imagining that having a poly relationship would be a sort of freedom, at least from the cookie cutter "norm", and that feels inspiring to me. But I imagine that freedom comes with a need to be very responsible in dealing with your emotions and feelings in a way that keeps peace and harmony. Imagining being key here.

girl_dee · 01-28-2011, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by La Perla

I can imagine it would take a great deal of emotional maturity. I am happy that you found a wonderful family, and such a positive dynamic. What was going through my mind with freedom and responsibility? I was imagining that having a poly relationship would be a sort of freedom, at least from the cookie cutter "norm", and that feels inspiring to me. But I imagine that freedom comes with a need to be very responsible in dealing with your emotions and feelings in a way that keeps peace and harmony. Imagining being key here.

Ahhh I see... You are dead right about being responsible with emotions.. and acting on them.. It's quite a learning experience, learning to deal with lots of emotions and ascertaining whether they are old stuff or new stuff. Sometimes an emotion can catch us off guard and we don't know what to do with it.. The responsible thing to do is not react to it, think about it and not act emotionally. Easier said than done but it is something I strive for.

aurora · 02-14-2011, 02:58 PM

Like my Spirit sister Sassy, I have always considered myself to be wired poly. Our lovely family has come together after a few years of Syr getting to know Sassy fairly well. I have just had a few months of loving and learning to work with my dear sister. It is definitely a journey and a work in progress.

For me, one of the most important factors for the potential long-term success of this triangle of love and marriage is the fact that I was the one to ask for the permanent addition of Sassy to our home. That is the key for me in managing the insecurities and occasional PMS spin-outs. My deep 15 year love for Syr, and my love and dedication of my spirit sister, are kept clear in my mind at times of self-doubt by that knowledge.
I have heard from others that have had a new partner imposed upon them, and heard the pain and suffering that followed the shift in the relationship. I am glad that in this thread, there is a strong opinion that good clear communication, and full agreement within the family on such a change, is extremely important.

As mentioned before work and clear communication is soooo important. Compassion and forgiveness and a desire to admit being wrong is also very important. One of the greatest benefits for me is suddenly having a friend to talk with who thinks the way I think about many things. In D/s relationships our partner is often our polar opposite in many ways, so having someone to just do girl-talk with about things one would not want to bother Syr. Sassy and I are learning a lot from each other, we are similar in some ways but very different in other ways. We are using that as a strength to grow in the relationship with each other and with Syr. Between job sharing and friendship and love, the extra work that is required is small compared to the benefits we are finding in our every day life now.

girl_dee · 02-14-2011, 05:01 PM

great points Sister aurora.

It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to. I am glad this is not our case ( I would have never ventured into that). The marriage that I entered into was solid, I am an addition to that. No one was looking for another partner. It just happened. It all made sense at that point.

Not being *brought* in to fill a void, or fix anything has made me very willing to venture into this. It works. We are not perfect but a life without even the smallest challenges would not be growing.

Having the Sisterly bond with aurora is also incredible. We've always connected somewhat and this is the greatest level of that. Talking things out and connecting is a wonderful gift.

Martina · 02-14-2011, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to.

i really don't see this. i am not sure i have ever seen someone bring in a new person to a family without any preparation or negotiation, whether they "can" or not. i imagine it happens, but . . .

And most poly isn't D/s either.

aurora · 02-15-2011, 06:56 AM

Yes, indeed the Ds poly is a fairly small population in the community as a whole. And a successful poly dynamic is always based upon the feelings and needs of everyone involved. But within the BDSM community, where there are situations where the power exchange allows (with previous agreement) one member of the family to make choices for the others that would normally have to be negotiated continuously, there is the room for imposed additions. And, from what I have seen, even though the submissive members have given consent to whatever is to happen, it does not work out well if the new person is brought in without full, whole-hearted agreement from the more senior members.
Also, some of the Ds poly situations are more loosely-knit leather families where most live in other cities and are not in the same house...in this case the poly family members might feel a loss of extra communication with the Dom(me) when a new member is added, but are not in the day-to-day sharing the bathroom type communication with the other family members.

aurora · 02-15-2011, 07:26 AM

It also might be useful to chat about the different challenges and rewards that are found in online poly vs. in house poly. Many of the modern poly families I have met include a certain amount of online relationships, and this is a very interesting element to consider.

Tommi · 02-15-2011, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isadora

I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us.

I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL

A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship.

Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives.

It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible.

Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues.

Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me.

Refreshing the page and the thread

"""Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me."""

Thank you Isadora. . I enjoy reading and re-reading your posts and the link above[/B]

08-31-2010, 02:04 PM	#41
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I know poly can work. I've seen it work. People in this thread and site show that it can work. I was in a poly relationship that went wrong and I was hurt beyond any pain I could imagine possible. But, I do realize that there were so many things that were done wrong by my partner and by myself and by the other girl that it is no wonder it ended in disaster. It has taken a long time to heal, and parts of me are still in mourning, however getting better all the time. So, even though I have been there done that and suffered through what I thought had destroyed my life, I have evolved from the pain to a stronger and more self nurturing person. I am open minded enough to realize that poly can be a very healthy, fullfilling, loving and a wonderful life for the right people. Would I ever do it again? Doubtful, however never say never. signed.... one who keeps all possibilities open when it comes to happiness.... __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou Last edited by princessbelle; 08-31-2010 at 02:13 PM.

08-31-2010, 02:35 PM	#42
Isadora Member How Do You Identify?: Momma, Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Relationship Status: I am in love. Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: California Posts: 997 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 502 Thanked 2,127 Times in 559 Posts Rep Power: 2369288	I have been polyandrous for 10 years. Hawk and I had been together 12 years when we began discussion on a polyandrous relationship. It was not an easy thing to sit down and discuss. We read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and took a almost a year to talk about how it would work for us. I live, mostly, poly fidelity relationships. This means I have two primary partners and am faithful to them. I, however, have been open to others in my life at different times and at one time had five lovers. Yes, it almost killed me. LOL A lot of people claim to be poly but are really non-monogamist or actually serial monogamists. It is not easy. I have absolutely had my jealous moments and have experienced absolute anger over having sex/play with other people. Jealousy is a part of ALL of our experiences and working through it is hard. Hard. It is easy to talk about it is not so easy to have your partner walk out the door knowing they are going to meet someone else. When you come home with marks people may freak. I had one lover who when saw me marked from agreed upon poly boundaries, had such a look of anger and fear that it basically ended the relationship. Also, I have very real boundaries around friendship and poly. For example, I do not wish to know or socialize with most (not all) of my lovers partners or other lovers. So, I make it very clear that if you choose to be involved with a friend of mine or someone else, I will not invite them into my house. I will not hang in the room with them, I will not be part of their lives. It is my responsibility to make that very clear to potential partners as it is for hym to make sure hys chosen lovers know the rules I share with hym. It has caused many misunderstandings when all the boundaries are not clear. That said, I have also had amazing wonderful relationships with partner's loves and wives. It is all about the people involved on an individual basis. My point being remember to take care of yourself by being as clear as possible. Sometimes breaking up a poly relationship has nothing to do with it being poly and everything to do with lack of trust, breaking of boundaries, contracts, lies and deception. None of these is unique to a poly relationships any relationship can have these issues. Sometimes I choose non monogamy. The difference is the relationship. To me non monogamy is mostly about sex not building a love relationship. Polyandrous is about falling in love...at least it is to me. __________________ "I have a respect for manners as such, they are a way of dealing with people you don't agree with or like." Margaret Mead Read me! www.leatherati.com

02-14-2011, 02:58 PM	#55
aurora Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: The CronesCradle Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 100 Thanked 208 Times in 46 Posts Rep Power: 342171	Like my Spirit sister Sassy, I have always considered myself to be wired poly. Our lovely family has come together after a few years of Syr getting to know Sassy fairly well. I have just had a few months of loving and learning to work with my dear sister. It is definitely a journey and a work in progress. For me, one of the most important factors for the potential long-term success of this triangle of love and marriage is the fact that I was the one to ask for the permanent addition of Sassy to our home. That is the key for me in managing the insecurities and occasional PMS spin-outs. My deep 15 year love for Syr, and my love and dedication of my spirit sister, are kept clear in my mind at times of self-doubt by that knowledge. I have heard from others that have had a new partner imposed upon them, and heard the pain and suffering that followed the shift in the relationship. I am glad that in this thread, there is a strong opinion that good clear communication, and full agreement within the family on such a change, is extremely important. As mentioned before work and clear communication is soooo important. Compassion and forgiveness and a desire to admit being wrong is also very important. One of the greatest benefits for me is suddenly having a friend to talk with who thinks the way I think about many things. In D/s relationships our partner is often our polar opposite in many ways, so having someone to just do girl-talk with about things one would not want to bother Syr. Sassy and I are learning a lot from each other, we are similar in some ways but very different in other ways. We are using that as a strength to grow in the relationship with each other and with Syr. Between job sharing and friendship and love, the extra work that is required is small compared to the benefits we are finding in our every day life now. __________________ Owned and loved by my Sexy Syr Bebo, loved and cherished by my beautiful spirit sister Dee...what more could a girl want? Well...OK...maybe to have people check out my book Jasmine's Choice by Aurora Dominiqua in the site bookstore.

02-15-2011, 06:56 AM	#58
aurora Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: The CronesCradle Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 100 Thanked 208 Times in 46 Posts Rep Power: 342171	Yes, indeed the Ds poly is a fairly small population in the community as a whole. And a successful poly dynamic is always based upon the feelings and needs of everyone involved. But within the BDSM community, where there are situations where the power exchange allows (with previous agreement) one member of the family to make choices for the others that would normally have to be negotiated continuously, there is the room for imposed additions. And, from what I have seen, even though the submissive members have given consent to whatever is to happen, it does not work out well if the new person is brought in without full, whole-hearted agreement from the more senior members. Also, some of the Ds poly situations are more loosely-knit leather families where most live in other cities and are not in the same house...in this case the poly family members might feel a loss of extra communication with the Dom(me) when a new member is added, but are not in the day-to-day sharing the bathroom type communication with the other family members. __________________ Owned and loved by my Sexy Syr Bebo, loved and cherished by my beautiful spirit sister Dee...what more could a girl want? Well...OK...maybe to have people check out my book Jasmine's Choice by Aurora Dominiqua in the site bookstore.

02-15-2011, 07:26 AM	#59
aurora Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: The CronesCradle Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 100 Thanked 208 Times in 46 Posts Rep Power: 342171	It also might be useful to chat about the different challenges and rewards that are found in online poly vs. in house poly. Many of the modern poly families I have met include a certain amount of online relationships, and this is a very interesting element to consider. __________________ Owned and loved by my Sexy Syr Bebo, loved and cherished by my beautiful spirit sister Dee...what more could a girl want? Well...OK...maybe to have people check out my book Jasmine's Choice by Aurora Dominiqua in the site bookstore.

09-10-2010, 08:16 PM	#43
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,831 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	Lots of wisdom in this thread.. Thanks for sharing.. I am subscribing!

11-01-2010, 08:55 PM	#44
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,831 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	anyone watch the series Sister Wives?

01-13-2011, 08:09 PM	#51
La Perla Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme sensuelle Relationship Status: dating and enjoying life Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: This coast and that continent. Posts: 52 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 130 Thanked 126 Times in 31 Posts Rep Power: 410263	I too, have seen PR work remarkably well. Those of you that have the emotional maturity, and communication skills needed to create this type of relationship, have my respect. I personally am curious about Poly relationships, I am guessing freedom and responsibility can craft some remarkable, exciting situations.

02-14-2011, 05:01 PM	#56
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,831 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	great points Sister aurora. It is true, most poly relationships consist of one Dominant who will choose to bring a new partner in, pretty much whenever they want to. I am glad this is not our case ( I would have never ventured into that). The marriage that I entered into was solid, I am an addition to that. No one was looking for another partner. It just happened. It all made sense at that point. Not being brought in to fill a void, or fix anything has made me very willing to venture into this. It works. We are not perfect but a life without even the smallest challenges would not be growing. Having the Sisterly bond with aurora is also incredible. We've always connected somewhat and this is the greatest level of that. Talking things out and connecting is a wonderful gift.