PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning --to some degree,much less than before
• Elevated startle response --yes
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing --yes
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) --not to much
• Interruption of memory and concentration --yep,hate it cause it messes me up in being able to finish what i was doing.
• Depression --geneticaly predispositiomed for it,so far not to much,light therapy helps lots.
• Generalized anxiety --depends on how u look at it
• Violent eruptions of rage ...not in the lasr 20years
• Substance abuse --no way
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety --nope
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks --mild for of it
• Insomnia --on again,off again
• Suicidal ideation ..nope thank goodness
• Survivor guilt--yes.why my twin lived when she out weighed me by 3 pounds at birth

Thoughts?

thinking bout this.
Rockin

[Rockinonahigh]

AZ.
u are doing a great job of takeing it one day at the time,ive been in some of the places u have and know how hard it is to deal with or get past them.One step at the time ok..pm me if u want..anytime.
Rockin

[Andrew, Jr.]

Atomic and Ol'Jet,

Thank you for your kind words and support. I could rattle on and on telling you stories that would make the hairs on the back of your neck just stand up on end. Yes, my father is sick. I know and accept this. That is why I am at the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is powerful in and of itself. But like I said before I am working on this every day. It is like being online here - we can agree to disagree on whatever issue is being talked about. With my father, he had to be the one who was always right. I was wrong. In the end, does it really matter? No. It isn't a matter of winning every argument. For some, it is. And that is where the disfunction is.

Nobody deserves to be abused. No person, male or female or whatever gender id'ed. Never.

Peace,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I wanted to check in, and see how everyone was doing. I hope Christmas was good for everyone here. You all were in my prayers, and still are.

Be safe, be well, and be peaceful.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Christmas was stressful but thankfully is over for another year!

I have noticed that when other people act badly I feel like I need to change myself so they will maybe act better. Does anyone else do this?

[Andrew, Jr.]

No, I really don't.

When I was younger, and my father was in one of his moods and either verbally abusive and/or physically violent (like hitting me and leaving his handprint on my face, leg, arm, etc.), I wouldn't get emotional or acted out against him. Instead, I withdrew and became quiet and shy.

I too am glad Christmas is overwith. It is one less day I have to deal with it, and everything involved with my bio-family.

[TenderKnight]

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some reall signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responces to this thread and thanbk you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

[JinxdGirl]

PTSD is on my laundry list of brokenness. It affects my sleep more than anything else. The cause is simple, the same story so many have already shared, just a different girl. Just once I'd like to sleep through the whole night without waking up feeling as though I'm being suffocated. Just once I'd like to kiss someone deeply, passionately and not have flashbacks for the week + following said kiss. Just once I'd like to be less broken.

[Jet]

Thanks for your reps and comments everyone. I need to say this: I am Catholic and I have always believed overcoming difficulties and facing terrible odds could be done with God's help. But I am no saint or good guy by any stretch of the imagination. I scream at God because of the pain, and for things happening to me the way they did. I've told Him I hated Him. And you know what? He forgives it and we move on. But I'm mad, damn mad that I have to go through this again step by step, moment by moment. I fucking don't want to be here, its that simple. And there's nothing I can do about that because I am a Catholic.

Nowt we're reaching into the core of injuries where there is anger and bitterness and hatred for life because of the pain. At the core are the memories of what happened and a wound that needs to be cleansed. And none of this will be accomplished without facing the bitter details, the toxic shame, the villifying and subjugation that I endured one terrible night. It's all in my face now — memories that are thorough and, unfortunately, surfacing against my will.

This is a process.

I don't know if any of you will have to face or deal with your trauma in this manner. But the bottom line is getting to and dealing with severe injuries no matter how indignant or frightening or demoralizing. I have been afflicted physically, neurologically, mentally and I have lost my life as it once was. I'm pissed. And the entire purpose of this post is tell you that it's okay to be pissed and run the gamut of emotions because its part of being human and severely injured.

Do you honestly think God expects us to accept and move through our terrors and bagage with the pomp and peagantry of the guardsman at Buckingham Palace? Wow. Than I must be a child of a lesser god.

Life is getting worse as the core of this "thing" surfaces. I may not handle it,
but I am here wish you all the best in your journey.

[Witch]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:
Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response (check)
Blunted affect, psychic numbing (check)
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (check)
Interruption of memory and concentration(check)
Depression (check)
Violent eruptions of rage (check)
Substance abuse (check)
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety (check)
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (check)
Insomnia(check)
Suicidal ideation (check)
Survivor guilt
__________________

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Christmas was stressful but thankfully is over for another year!

I have noticed that when other people act badly I feel like I need to change myself so they will maybe act better. Does anyone else do this?

Yes. I do this so much that people get angry at me if I DONT. They all expect it of me. I was the scapegoat and the peacemaker. I was the black sheep and the go-to for help person. I have struggled with PTSD since I was 11 years old. My story is a looong one meaning the traumatic things were not just happening at home in my childhood.... it really means a lot to read everyone else opening up but I dont want to share mine right now.

I will wait until I am in "that place" already in my mind. No sense in triggering myself while I am dealing with this break up and this emotional abuse I am currently getting daily. So far, with said person at work, it has been emotionally relaxed day. When you get that peace you hang onto it and avoid the "victim" feeling and panic attacks if you can.

Threads like this one are a big reason I come to online community. I am not told here that I "am gay because of these traumas" by the people here. No one tries to fix me and make me want to be hetero here. My queerness was not a result or caused by my life. I would be asexual if that were true because the traumas werent caused by one gender, or even one race...

Thank you everybody here for that acceptance and kindness.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by Amelia

Yes. I do this so much that people get angry at me if I DONT. They all expect it of me. I was the scapegoat and the peacemaker. I was the black sheep and the go-to for help person... while I am dealing with this break up and this emotional abuse I am currently getting daily.

I totally relate to your state of mind. I had several abuses following my childhood and my father. I thought until I was in my mid-thirties it was my purpose in life to take on everyone's dysfunction to create 'peace' from chaos. Then I found myself. A 'me' that deserved and commanded respect from my family. I realized that I was taking on everyone else's stuff so I didn't have to deal with my own. I finally put myself first. It felt selfish and self absorbed at first, but in the end I have the respect and love of my family with all their quirks. I still deal with some of the tragedy. But I am determined I will die, in peace.