Making Peace with Exes

WolfyOne · 11-07-2010, 04:13 PM

I happen to have a few ex's I've kept in contact with one way or another.

In fact, I just moved out of a house my ex and I shared. She ended the relationship, but not for any reasons anyone could imagine. She has chosen a spiritual path and wants to give her life to our creator. I didn't lose her to another person, I lost her to God. It's been quite hard for me, but I understand. We'll always maintain a friendship because she really is a good friend and cares about others like no one I ever met. I learned from her about wanting to be the best person I could possibly be. She has been my best friend for years now and going into a religious order won't change that. We fight, we make up, we've laughed and cried together. Isn't that part of what being friends is about? Rediscovering me and healing my heart doesn't mean we can't continue as friends.

I have a couple other ex's I keep in touch with via email as they both have children I happen to adore. With one, it took years to even get to a point where we could even be pleasant in emails, but time, distance and age has finally changed that. Another one I talk to twice a year, on her birthday I call her and she calls me on mine. It's something neither of us forget and have been doing it for 20 years.

Ex or not, they come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm thankful for those that have entered my life because it helped me learn more about myself. Sometimes relationships work better and last longer when you live apart. Maybe that's the reason some people can keep ex's as friends.

Nat · 11-07-2010, 04:39 PM

I'm friends with the majority of my exes, but not all. I think I've been lucky that most of my relationships have been mutually respectful and supportive and the breakups have kept that tone.

There are a few where friendship wasn't possible.

I don't hang out regularly with any of my exes, but we keep tabs on each other. Occasional texts or emails or calls, a few facebook friends. Just check-ins to make sure each other are okay.

DomnNC · 11-07-2010, 08:28 PM

I have to agree with the concept that it just depends on why the relationship ended. If it was an issue where a trust was violated, then no, I don't keep people in my life that I cannot trust.

There are a couple I talk to on the phone to catch up on our lives, maybe, depending on if I feel like dealing with trying to hear on the phone, lol. (Those that have spoken to me on the phone know the reason for that).

Of those left, I think I would call them an aquaintance now, after all, years would have passed, people change, so you really don't "know" them anymore. If I see them out and about, I'm cordial, ask them how things are going, etcetcetc, maybe, lol. But have them over to my house to sit down and visit for a spell, no, I wouldn't put that awkwardness on my wife (at that time).

sylvie · 01-24-2011, 07:16 PM

A few of my breakups have resulted in friendship..
And a couple haven't.. for me, depends on the situation, if there is a break in trust, or if i know that distancing them is better for my own well being.. i don't do well with intentional negativity..

But for the few i've been able to stay friends with, we actually make wonderful friends and it's a great thing.. No hard feelings, and i am friends with their significant others as well.. it's also a healthy situation for my children, in the sense they didn't have the bickering and well, their feelings were invested in my relationship with my ex too, they spent quality time with them and when we broke up, missed them.. so it's nice they still get to interact with them .. but it's never a close friendship either that we go hang out together or visit one another, that would be awkward for their significant other or one day, my significant other perhaps... i would always want my significant other to be 100% comfortable with me & anyone that i am friends with.. my significant other would come first..

But sometimes, friendship is just not in the cards with an ex, and distance is the better choice. i never wish them harm in any way, and always want the best for them.. but just know that friendship is not the right choice..

Erountree · 01-24-2011, 08:57 PM

i tried making peace with ex's it just got worse shit out of it so i gave up tryin

Brewcityboi · 02-04-2011, 11:29 PM

my two greatest loves are now my best friends. I have been through hell and back with both of them and they know me almost better then i know myself. i think friendship is absolutly possible with exes of all forms. Even though the relationship never worked out, we grow from them. These 2 exes of mine have seen the absolute worst in me and when i get to that point, they can bring me out of it. Im also friends with many of my exes.

I think the other members have a point when they say it depends on the break up itself. My one relationship with this psycho, was the worst breakup i've ever had. Not to sound harsh but she can jump off a cliff for all i care, because it would make better place. She ruined my life. She has hurt too many other people i know. If you hurt my friends, we have some serious problems. Will i ever make peace with her? Probably not. I'm perfectly fine with that.

sweetfemme247 · 02-04-2011, 11:56 PM

there is one thing I cannot do right now is forgive my most recent ex or even some ex's from years ago.... most of them hurt me very badly and I dont think they deserve to be forgiven right now......... most of them are decent people who I am still good friends with and some are just nasty and lie to much.

T4Texas · 04-24-2011, 07:18 AM

I am friends with all my exes. It hasn't always been an easy road to that friendship, but it happened. I believe that you don't stop loving someone just because you stop sleeping with them or you can't cohabit with them. There was something that drew you to that person to begin with and for me, as long as I knew in my heart they were good people inside, that was what mattered.
I think exes are a problem for a lot of folks. You either hate them or love them and sometimes have to explain to your new significant others why you are still friends with them. I have never let other people's insecurities influence my friendships with exes or anyone else for that matter.
I live with my first ex. Five years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to stop working for a long period, she had me come to live with her. She paid my bills and the truck note I had just acquired for over a year until I was able to return to work. During our relationship, we had fought like cats and dogs, but time settled a lot of that down and she stepped up to the plate even though she didnt have to. While there are times she still drives me crazy, I would never abandon her as a friend. Whenever I meet someone I always have to explain that situation to them and watch the eyebrows go up at the mention of living with your ex.
My second ex left me for a man. We had lived together several years and it was a painful breakup for me. I stayed angry for more than a few years about it, but finally let go of all those hate feelings. I have visited her and her husband and found in some ways I liked him in spite of myself. She and I stay in touch.
My latest ex and I are working through the friendship angle. I feel that since we were friends before and during the time we slept together, that the basis for friendship is already there and it should not have to disappear just because our relationship status has changed. It's not that you have to spend time with these people, but you don't have to purge them out of your life either, unless they have done something really rotten to you. I used to be pretty vindictive about people that hurt me, but I have learned to forgive. Sometimes that forgiveness doesn't come right away, but eventually it does when I know they are good people at heart. I also take responsibility for my part in whatever caused the split, a feat some folks are incapable of doing.
I know I am loved by these women, even though we may not have a close relationship anymore. When I have been sick or in the hospital, they have come to see me or the phone calls increase, so I know they care. Having someone in your life that does care is half the battle, ex or not.

Ginger · 04-14-2012, 09:52 AM

I deal with exes on a case-by-case basis.

One ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her girlfriend. I declined.

Another person wanted to be friends with me, but the things that made it self-destructive for me to stay in a relationship with her, would have still been there in a friendship. My commitment to happiness kept me from going there. Post script: I knew I was over this person when I heard she was dating someone new. Instead of feeling sad, I felt immediate alarm and concern for the new femme. Then after another year or so, I saw this ex at a dance. She forced a Hello and introduction to my friend. Later, I was startled when she suddenly appeared before me to say goodbye. I realized, I had forgotten she was there.

Another person, my "main" ex, someone I was with for ten years, wouldn't be friends with me because her new partner was jealous of me. That really hurt, and still does, though it's now been ten years since we broke up.

Another person was very angry with me when I broke up with her, and then a couple years later, died of breast cancer. That was hard for me, but as long as it was the best thing for her to keep me away, I'm okay with it.

My current partner has three close friends. One is an ex, which I don't mind at all. I like her and trust them both.

I noticed a funny thing back when I was dating. Several times when I started seeing someone, it seemed to trigger their ex's re-interest in them. I used to say, If you want your ex back, date me.

11-07-2010, 04:13 PM	#1
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,392 Times in 4,138 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I happen to have a few ex's I've kept in contact with one way or another. In fact, I just moved out of a house my ex and I shared. She ended the relationship, but not for any reasons anyone could imagine. She has chosen a spiritual path and wants to give her life to our creator. I didn't lose her to another person, I lost her to God. It's been quite hard for me, but I understand. We'll always maintain a friendship because she really is a good friend and cares about others like no one I ever met. I learned from her about wanting to be the best person I could possibly be. She has been my best friend for years now and going into a religious order won't change that. We fight, we make up, we've laughed and cried together. Isn't that part of what being friends is about? Rediscovering me and healing my heart doesn't mean we can't continue as friends. I have a couple other ex's I keep in touch with via email as they both have children I happen to adore. With one, it took years to even get to a point where we could even be pleasant in emails, but time, distance and age has finally changed that. Another one I talk to twice a year, on her birthday I call her and she calls me on mine. It's something neither of us forget and have been doing it for 20 years. Ex or not, they come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm thankful for those that have entered my life because it helped me learn more about myself. Sometimes relationships work better and last longer when you live apart. Maybe that's the reason some people can keep ex's as friends. __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

11-07-2010, 04:39 PM	#2
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender (DID System) Preferred Pronoun?: he/him or alter-specific Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Central TX Posts: 3,537 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,047 Thanked 13,968 Times in 2,589 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I'm friends with the majority of my exes, but not all. I think I've been lucky that most of my relationships have been mutually respectful and supportive and the breakups have kept that tone. There are a few where friendship wasn't possible. I don't hang out regularly with any of my exes, but we keep tabs on each other. Occasional texts or emails or calls, a few facebook friends. Just check-ins to make sure each other are okay. __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl

01-24-2011, 07:16 PM	#4
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	A few of my breakups have resulted in friendship.. And a couple haven't.. for me, depends on the situation, if there is a break in trust, or if i know that distancing them is better for my own well being.. i don't do well with intentional negativity.. But for the few i've been able to stay friends with, we actually make wonderful friends and it's a great thing.. No hard feelings, and i am friends with their significant others as well.. it's also a healthy situation for my children, in the sense they didn't have the bickering and well, their feelings were invested in my relationship with my ex too, they spent quality time with them and when we broke up, missed them.. so it's nice they still get to interact with them .. but it's never a close friendship either that we go hang out together or visit one another, that would be awkward for their significant other or one day, my significant other perhaps... i would always want my significant other to be 100% comfortable with me & anyone that i am friends with.. my significant other would come first.. But sometimes, friendship is just not in the cards with an ex, and distance is the better choice. i never wish them harm in any way, and always want the best for them.. but just know that friendship is not the right choice.. __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

02-04-2011, 11:29 PM	#6
Brewcityboi Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Trans/queer/lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: He, she, whatever. Who cares? Just don't be mean. Relationship Status: Bitten by the love bug. :) Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: milwaukee wi Posts: 43 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8 Thanked 72 Times in 21 Posts Rep Power: 57542	my two greatest loves are now my best friends. I have been through hell and back with both of them and they know me almost better then i know myself. i think friendship is absolutly possible with exes of all forms. Even though the relationship never worked out, we grow from them. These 2 exes of mine have seen the absolute worst in me and when i get to that point, they can bring me out of it. Im also friends with many of my exes. I think the other members have a point when they say it depends on the break up itself. My one relationship with this psycho, was the worst breakup i've ever had. Not to sound harsh but she can jump off a cliff for all i care, because it would make better place. She ruined my life. She has hurt too many other people i know. If you hurt my friends, we have some serious problems. Will i ever make peace with her? Probably not. I'm perfectly fine with that. __________________ "I am a witness to my resurrection" - Melissa Etheridge

02-04-2011, 11:56 PM	#7
sweetfemme247 Member How Do You Identify?: fem Preferred Pronoun?: femme, she, her, baby, sweetie Relationship Status: holding my heart close and putting back up a wall Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: california, palm springs Posts: 994 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 206 Thanked 719 Times in 350 Posts Rep Power: 4115671	there is one thing I cannot do right now is forgive my most recent ex or even some ex's from years ago.... most of them hurt me very badly and I dont think they deserve to be forgiven right now......... most of them are decent people who I am still good friends with and some are just nasty and lie to much. __________________ Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present. Jim Rohn

11-07-2010, 08:28 PM	#3
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	I have to agree with the concept that it just depends on why the relationship ended. If it was an issue where a trust was violated, then no, I don't keep people in my life that I cannot trust. There are a couple I talk to on the phone to catch up on our lives, maybe, depending on if I feel like dealing with trying to hear on the phone, lol. (Those that have spoken to me on the phone know the reason for that). Of those left, I think I would call them an aquaintance now, after all, years would have passed, people change, so you really don't "know" them anymore. If I see them out and about, I'm cordial, ask them how things are going, etcetcetc, maybe, lol. But have them over to my house to sit down and visit for a spell, no, I wouldn't put that awkwardness on my wife (at that time).

01-24-2011, 08:57 PM	#5
Erountree Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Genderqueer Lesbian Top Preferred Pronoun?: anything as long as its creative Relationship Status: Happily Married Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Salt Lake City Posts: 10 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 3066	i tried making peace with ex's it just got worse shit out of it so i gave up tryin

04-24-2011, 07:18 AM	#8
T4Texas Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Ready to play again! Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 233 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 436 Thanked 647 Times in 167 Posts Rep Power: 6739721	I am friends with all my exes. It hasn't always been an easy road to that friendship, but it happened. I believe that you don't stop loving someone just because you stop sleeping with them or you can't cohabit with them. There was something that drew you to that person to begin with and for me, as long as I knew in my heart they were good people inside, that was what mattered. I think exes are a problem for a lot of folks. You either hate them or love them and sometimes have to explain to your new significant others why you are still friends with them. I have never let other people's insecurities influence my friendships with exes or anyone else for that matter. I live with my first ex. Five years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to stop working for a long period, she had me come to live with her. She paid my bills and the truck note I had just acquired for over a year until I was able to return to work. During our relationship, we had fought like cats and dogs, but time settled a lot of that down and she stepped up to the plate even though she didnt have to. While there are times she still drives me crazy, I would never abandon her as a friend. Whenever I meet someone I always have to explain that situation to them and watch the eyebrows go up at the mention of living with your ex. My second ex left me for a man. We had lived together several years and it was a painful breakup for me. I stayed angry for more than a few years about it, but finally let go of all those hate feelings. I have visited her and her husband and found in some ways I liked him in spite of myself. She and I stay in touch. My latest ex and I are working through the friendship angle. I feel that since we were friends before and during the time we slept together, that the basis for friendship is already there and it should not have to disappear just because our relationship status has changed. It's not that you have to spend time with these people, but you don't have to purge them out of your life either, unless they have done something really rotten to you. I used to be pretty vindictive about people that hurt me, but I have learned to forgive. Sometimes that forgiveness doesn't come right away, but eventually it does when I know they are good people at heart. I also take responsibility for my part in whatever caused the split, a feat some folks are incapable of doing. I know I am loved by these women, even though we may not have a close relationship anymore. When I have been sick or in the hospital, they have come to see me or the phone calls increase, so I know they care. Having someone in your life that does care is half the battle, ex or not. __________________ Chivalry is when you meet a woman you would rather die for, than live with.

04-14-2012, 09:52 AM	#9
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,295 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I deal with exes on a case-by-case basis. One ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her girlfriend. I declined. Another person wanted to be friends with me, but the things that made it self-destructive for me to stay in a relationship with her, would have still been there in a friendship. My commitment to happiness kept me from going there. Post script: I knew I was over this person when I heard she was dating someone new. Instead of feeling sad, I felt immediate alarm and concern for the new femme. Then after another year or so, I saw this ex at a dance. She forced a Hello and introduction to my friend. Later, I was startled when she suddenly appeared before me to say goodbye. I realized, I had forgotten she was there. Another person, my "main" ex, someone I was with for ten years, wouldn't be friends with me because her new partner was jealous of me. That really hurt, and still does, though it's now been ten years since we broke up. Another person was very angry with me when I broke up with her, and then a couple years later, died of breast cancer. That was hard for me, but as long as it was the best thing for her to keep me away, I'm okay with it. My current partner has three close friends. One is an ex, which I don't mind at all. I like her and trust them both. I noticed a funny thing back when I was dating. Several times when I started seeing someone, it seemed to trigger their ex's re-interest in them. I used to say, If you want your ex back, date me.