Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Janstevie]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient "down there."
They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?"
The husband said, "I'm not sure, she just started to choke.

[rlin]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

[Glenn]

I went to Italy for the holidays with another butch who said she knew a lot of people there. As we were walking around the Vatican, one of the guards shouted, "Jo, it is you isn't it?" Jo said the friend offered to show us around the private apartments, and to arrange a special audience with the Pope. I laughed and said "Jo, now you've gone too far. Your full of s*** . Im going back to the hotel." So I walked out and there was huge crowd waiting for the Pope to come onto the balcony. Then, I heard them all suddenly fall silent and slowly start muttering in Italian. So I asked a woman standing next to me, "What are they saying?" Then she pointed to the balcony and said, "Look up there! Who is that person standing on the balcony with Jo? Do you know?"

[Janstevie]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. xxx


Oh, PS: YOUR GIRLFRIEND PHONED.

[afixer]

me standing outside this morning after work warming up several co-workers cars in our sub freezing weather talking to a gaggle of women when one of my co-workers sends me a text that says...


flirt!

[Janstevie]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest baby you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Starbuck]

Little Johnny come down for breakfast one morning but hadn't done his chores yet. His mother asked him, "have you done your chores yet?" Johnny replied, "no". His mother promptly told Johnny "you know you can't have breakfast until your chores are done." This upset Johnny. So off he went to do his chores. When he fed the chickens, Johnny kicked a chicken. When he slopped the pigs, he kicked a pig. When he milked the cow, he kicked the cow. Now after chores, Johnny was very hungry and he was looking forward to some eggs, bacon, and some cereal. But when it came time for breakfast, all he got was some dry cereal! "Mom, why is do I only get dry cereal?" Johnny asked. Johnny's mom replied, "I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs for a week; I saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week; and I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week." About that time Johnny's dad came down stairs for breakfast, mumbling, and kicked the cat. Johnny looked at his mom and smiled and said, "you want me to tell him or do you want to?"