Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I need to go back and read it all and will respond, but first I want to respond to this post and all the posts one at a time.

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

I never got a chance to ask my mom when she was living why my brother and I were adopted together. I know what my grandmother told me before she passed. She said that my mom was in an abusive relationship with my father and agreed to have her rights taken away with my father's if my brother and I could be adopted. Neither set of grandparents would raise us. So we were adopted together. I know we lived in foster homes together for years and came across the couple who were the ones to introduce us to our adopted parents.

I loved those people like they were my parents. Growing up I was refused contact with them. We saw them once in a while years would go by. When I was 18 and I moved up here to meet my real parents the original foster parents played a role in it.

It was very emotional. My father is still the same piece of shit he was when I was little. However my mom and I developed a really close relationship.
While my brother was still living at home with my adopted parents he wasnt allowed to see me or talk to me. Since I was told I was never welcome. He wasnt allowed to have any contact with me while he was under their roof. It tore me up. He and I were really close growing up. I watched my biological mom cry on a daily basis because she felt she made a mistake. One she could never take back.

I know she used to say when she had gotten her life together soon after we were adopted she became a cop because she wanted to search for my brother and I and find us and kidnap us back LOL and no one would have ever found us.

I watched her emotional agony and never really understood how much she hurt over that. I know that the day we were taken away finally by the state she was in the kitchen with her mom my grandmother who had a brain anurism and died instantly.

I have always admired her strength. To lose your kids and your mom in the same day. Most people would be locked away for the rest of their lives. My mom has said she kicked in survival mode at that point. She left my abusive father was a cop and the last few years of her life owned her own beauty salon.

I know in her heart she felt she didnt do the right thing giving up custody. She always would say if she had to do it again. She'd left my father and done whatever it took to raise a family. Up until the day she died she apologized to me she felt she couldnt forgive herself.

I was young enough that growing up I didnt remember her and as I explained before the only time I heard about her was to be told I would amount to nothing but trash like her.

When I met her it was hard on us at first. We didnt have a relationship. We fought and argued and I blamed her for all the abuse I encountered daily with the adopted parents. It wasnt until close to her death that we obtained a really close relationship. And it was an ex that helped me do it.

I guess the thing that I have never really understood is how I still feel close to the foster parents that I had before I was adopted. My name sake.
We are building a close relationship and recently came out to them and they were accepting. And they have the pics of me when I was little. And laugh and tell me about things that I did. Just like a mom or dad would.

What a difference 30 years makes. I dont feel sorry for myself because of all I had to endure. It has made me the person I am today and the better person I will be in the future.

Thanks for sharing Misty, we have a lot in common actually. My
biological Father became a cop in Dallas and may still be. My biograndfather on my mother's side was the sheriff of their town, I think it was Hobart, OK. My adopted mother, whom I loved more than I can put into words, died allegedly of an aneurysm (though that is not what her death certificate says).

I am so glad that you got to meet your mother and that the meeting went well, and even more glad that you seem to have a foster family who still cares about you and accepts you for who you are.

Do you get to see your brother now? How cruel to not let you see him. My heart goes out to you both.

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I need to go back and read it all and will respond, but first I want to respond to this post and all the posts one at a time.



Thanks for sharing Misty, we have a lot in common actually. My
biological Father became a cop in Dallas and may still be. My biograndfather on my mother's side was the sheriff of their town, I think it was Hobart, OK. My adopted mother, whom I loved more than I can put into words, died allegedly of an aneurysm (though that is not what her death certificate says).

I am so glad that you got to meet your mother and that the meeting went well, and even more glad that you seem to have a foster family who still cares about you and accepts you for who you are.

Do you get to see your brother now? How cruel to not let you see him. My heart goes out to you both.

I saw my brother when he graduated high school. I took my biological mom with me. We were asked to leave. I stayed. I felt she should see him graduate. I didnt see him until he joined the Army and came back from Afghanistan. Then my mom and I went down to Fort Polk LA to get him and his friend a week before she died. He only got to know her for about a week. A few weeks later he shipped out for a few years to Iraq. We have had a relationship off and on. Not of my choosing. But of his. He struggles with my being gay. And my adopted parents "claim" him as their son. So he is torn. Ive let him know that my door is always open and Im just a phone call away. We got to spend Thanksgiving together this year. That was great. He is supposed to go to Center Texas and see his boys. They live with my adopted parents. But yes. I miss the closeness that he and I shared when we were little

[NotAnAverageGuy]

You know what would be great, a BFP adoptees gathering

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Easton

Kelle went through all my parents paperwork, while selling the house. we sat on the floor in my old living room and didnt find anything.

Which was kind of weird, NOT a single piece of paper pertaining to the adoption.

My dad had to either get rid of it or gave it to someone for "safe" keeping.

I wrote to NYS, they will pass my information on if someone is looking for me, but i bet that will be a cold day in hell.

My birth mother would be 62 right now. After all my changes, shes looking for a "daughter" that dont exist.

I think the laws SUCK, so many groups are trying to change the laws in NYS, but i bet it will never happen. I do believe that the laws should change for health relations.

This is a great topic Jen.

That is weird that ther was zero paperwork on the adoption, he must have gotten rid of it at some point. My Dad had letters and domuments about our adoptions.

I'm sorry you can't find out more, how maddening!

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I received a phone call from one of my half sister this evening, she lost her house to a fire yesterday and was letting me know everyone is accounted for and safe.

On another note she had mentioned that our mother is sick, the flu stuff, for the 2nd time in less than month, I told my sister I stopped playing phone tag with our mother months ago because the old coot never called me back.

Nor will she answer any more questions, it's frustration city with that woman

Oh no, I am so sorry. And at Christmas.
I did not speak to my adopted dad for 11 years before his death last January. I get how frustrating it can be.

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

Interesting questions.

I found out I was adopted when I was 17. I had brought home a report card with a 'C' on it. My father and I were having our normal report card conversation and at the end of it, before we went inside, he said "oh by the way, you're adopted" then turned his back on me and went inside the house.

For the next four years we played what I call 'the adoption game'. The adoption game goes like this:

Me: Mom? Am I really adopted.
Mom: You've always been our child.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: We've always loved you.

After my son was born, I pinned my parents down by saying "I need to know for genetic reasons--am I adopted. A simple yes or no question requiring a yes or no answer." My father replied "yes, never bring this up again".

He and I never spoke of it again. I did not find anything else out until twelve years later, after my father was dead and my mother told me a little more. They knew my birth mother because she was a student at the high school in Alabama where my mother was a teacher and my father a vice principal at the time. After my mother died in 2007, my sister sent me what paperwork she could find which had my original name and some pieces of correspondence with the Alabama department of child welfare regarding the fostering and then adoption.

I have never met my birth mother although I would like to, if for no other reason than to tell her that I grew up okay.

Cheers
Aj

Perfect, you got C's and he tells you you are adopted. What a blow, I am so very sorry. I can completely understamd the confusion you must have felt!

People still have a hard time talking about adoption, I wonder why? I guess they felt threatened?

I hope you get to meet her some day.

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

I saw my brother when he graduated high school. I took my biological mom with me. We were asked to leave. I stayed. I felt she should see him graduate. I didnt see him until he joined the Army and came back from Afghanistan. Then my mom and I went down to Fort Polk LA to get him and his friend a week before she died. He only got to know her for about a week. A few weeks later he shipped out for a few years to Iraq. We have had a relationship off and on. Not of my choosing. But of his. He struggles with my being gay. And my adopted parents "claim" him as their son. So he is torn. Ive let him know that my door is always open and Im just a phone call away. We got to spend Thanksgiving together this year. That was great. He is supposed to go to Center Texas and see his boys. They live with my adopted parents. But yes. I miss the closeness that he and I shared when we were little

So glad you got to go to his graduation and that you spent Thanksgiving!
I have 3 half brothers and a half sister I have met, but don't know. Two of my half brothers would not even look at me and blamed me for messing up their Mom's life.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

You know what would be great, a BFP adoptees gathering

If we have a gathering, let's have an adoptee meet up That sounds great. We have so much to talk about.

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Perfect, you got C's and he tells you you are adopted. What a blow, I am so very sorry. I can completely understamd the confusion you must have felt!

Thanks hun. That's probably the most personal thing I've ever revealed in one of these public forums. You now have a real insight into why I move through the world in the way I do.

Cheers
Aj

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dreadgeek

Thanks hun. That's probably the most personal thing I've ever revealed in one of these public forums. You now have a real insight into why I move through the world in the way I do.

Cheers
Aj

I wonder what he would have said if you got a C-.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to not know till I was 17. Did you have zero idea?

[Bit]

omg... one C.... omg. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Aj}}}}}}}}}}}}} His timing would have seemed like some kind of cruel joke to me, some kind of twisted "punishment" or something, and such a rejection!! ....omg, it boggles the brain.

I wonder if he had already decided to tell you about your being adopted since you had turned seventeen, and was just guilty of horrible timing... maybe the reason they kept playing the adoption game after that was that they were trying to reassure you? or maybe trying to expiate his guilt over his insensitivity?

For whatever it's worth, Aj, I am so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve it; you wouldn't have deserved it even if you had been flunking. It should never have been done that way and I'm so sorry it was.

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I wonder what he would have said if you got a C-.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to not know till I was 17. Did you have zero idea?

None what-so-ever. My skin-tone is almost exactly what you would expect from viewing a picture of my father and my mother (my mother could, until she was in her 70's, almost pass for white and my father was the color of a cup of coffee with no cream in it). The shape of my face is close enough to other members of my family that, in the absence of any other information and based upon what felt, at the time, like the energy of a shameful family secret being kept, and given that there is a group of first cousins on my mother's side who were ALL old enough to be my biological mother, for a long time I figured that I was actually the daughter of one of my female cousins. I had two, in particular, who I thought I might be the daughter of.

As it turns out, though, the story is far more interesting (and vindicates my parents in a really amazing way so I will tell that part of it).

As I said last night, my biological mother was a student at the high school my parents were employed at. From what my mother said, she was a brilliant student. She had a full-ride scholarship to Howard University when she 'got in trouble' (as it was phrased in 1966). This was the late 60's, it was Alabama, there was functionally no such thing as an abortion and, given the morays of the time, for her to be known to be 'with child' would have been a shameful mess and resulted in her losing the scholarship. Along with being the VP my father was coach of the football, basketball and baseball teams. This was in Tuscaloosa. What this meant was that my father was *somebody*. He had won, in his career coaching, some 400 *straight* games so he had some serious juju. As I understand it what they did was 'made it go away'. They would take me on the condition that she was to go to college and never try to have contact with me. The birth certificate I grew up with showed that the people who raised me were my parents. (I did not know the name I was given at birth until late last year) My parents were part of the civil rights generation. There are newsreel pictures of them at the March on Washington and the Selma march. As such they were on a mission that we in the black community used to call 'uplift' (a term much denigrated now). This was just another bit of them doing their part to uplift the race.

All in all, given all the possible fates a black child could have faced in late 60's/early-70's Alabama, I won the adoption lottery. It doesn't make the bits of brutality that I survived better (and there was brutality, I laugh when people think that because I grew up with economic privilege that my childhood was lived in the land of milk and honey) but for all of that, I still feel like I got very, very lucky.

Oh and to answer your question--had I ever brought home a C- I would have been beat. The only reason I didn't get beat that day was because a year before, my mother had cracked a shovel handle around my ass and I had made it clear that days of my being hit with impunity were done (she hit my coccyx, missing my spine just barely. I had no stomach for being paralyzed before I hit 18 so I put a stop to the beating).

Cheers
Aj